To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

Just read some more posts.
We found a GP referral to a paediatrician got a diagnosis very quickly on facial characteristics. I suppose you can’t do this though if SS have parental responsibility. The only help we were able to access because of it was at school. Other things like speech therapy came through a GP referral.
A CAO was very easy to get, but again we did not have SS involvement. Got a form from the court, filled it in, took it back and paid £100. A court date in around 2 months. Birth parent was invited to attend but didn’t. CAO was granted easily in a very friendly court.

I have a family member in foster care, to have her I have to go through a full fostering assessment & at the moment I can only see her supervised. If she is adopted rather than with me I have been told I cannot have contact. So It's not guaranteed you'd get the contact you want if she goes into the system.

My heart goes out to you as I'm going through similar myself

I feel for you OP. I was in a similar situation a few years ago.

My cousin was a single parent, and an alcoholic, and has a son who's a year younger than my youngest. I'm also a single parent, and at the time my kids were little (2 and 5). I informally looked after her son on a few occasions, and he stayed at my house while she went on week-long benders. Social Services never got very involved, because she always pulled herself together just in time, and had her son back.

Then she got worse, ended up on the liver unit in hospital, and I got a call from SS asking if I'd take in her son for the foreseeable future. I felt terrible but I said no. He was basically a sweet kid, but my younger son had found it impossible. My cousin's son broke his toys, was incredibly needy, took most of my attention - and it broke my heart to see how sad my younger son became. It was basically an impossible dynamic. I also work, so juggling childcare was a nightmare.

I felt terrible for saying no, but I honestly didn't think it would benefit any of the 3 kids involved if I agreed to it.

There's a happy ending of sorts for me. After a few months with a lovely foster family, my cousin's son went home, as my cousin had sorted herself out and met a truly lovely man, who she's still with years later. She's still a bit of a mess and prone to mini drinking binges etc. But her lovely man is essentially the little boy's dad, so he'll always be well cared for.

It was a very difficult time, and I'll never forget how it felt to be pulled in so many directions, knowing that whatever decision I made I'd potentially regret it.

I have 4 DC, none of whom have learning difficulties or any additional needs. It’s still fucking hard work and adding a child with irreversible brain damage from FAS would limit the time I get with them individually. It would also be largely my burden - I work part-time to DH’s full-time and logistically most of the extra work would fall on me and I wouldn’t want that, selfish as it sounds. I’m busy enough already. Like you, we could afford it financially but I couldn’t afford the time and emotional energy. If you say no, it’s not you being heartless, it’s being aware that your time and emotional energy and mental well-being is not an infinite resource.

MrsRG, part of your problem is exactly that you are a good person, a very good person, and have taken on tne responsibility of so many people’s failings .

One person simply cannot take on the love and care of all.

I know someone with a child (adopted) with FAS, and it is no picnic. She had to give up work to manage the child’s medical needs. Thankfully her DH earns just enough, but the commitment needed over her Ds’s health and social needs is all consuming. Needs that continue to emerge and evolve and were not evident at 2 yo.

Simetimes the greatest love is to let someone go into a family where they can get the most care and attention. Simetimes that is the greatest gift.

There are some very very naive and ignorant (as in they just have no idea) people on this thread.

I send you love. Whatever you decide you can do it with a clear conscience.

Hi OP. I am very sorry about your dad. Wanted to say that I think you have done an absolutely amazing job of looking after both your sister and your dad and advocating for them both.

I have read the whole thread and my feeling is that you would probably be better off having full custody of your sister because I think you love her too much to accept her not being with you regularly. If she went to foster or adoptive parents, you cant guarantee being a part of her life on a frequent basis and I think that would hurt you more.

If you do go ahead, I think you should do it wothout any expectation of help or support from ss. They are overstretched and once they know dsis is safe with you, their priorities to help will shift elsewhere.

My other thought is that maybe your grown up sister needs to make other childcare arrangements. Given that you have a yoing family of your own, plus your baby dsis with you, taking on childcare for your nephew is too much. He has 2 parents - he is the child that does not need you to be responsible for him. I think your adult sis and bil are putting on you a bit really, given all your other pressures.

A lot of posters seem to think that 'the care system' is similar to the orphanage in Annie. It is not. Yes, statistically children leaving care are less likely to go into University or have top end jobs, but they are damaged from their years of neglect/abuse before they went into care - in most cases their prospects wouldn't have been brilliant had they stayed with their birth families.

When my 2 came to me they weren't attending school regularly and when they did they were described as being like caged animals suddenly set free. They were angry, emotional, violent and they were very behind where they should be. 4 years on and they have 100% attendance, the youngest has just about caught up where he should be and the oldest is still behind but is accessing the same curriculum as his peers. They behave in school, they go to clubs, they have hobbies. Yes there are sometimes issues that crop up but I dread to think what they would be like now if they hadn't been taken into care. I'm pretty sure that at least one of them would have ended up permanently excluded from school by the age of 8. And actually, their parents aren't too 'bad' compared to a lot whose kids end up in care. My kids are now scoffing their way through a mountain of Easter eggs and this afternoon we're off to a local activity. Tomorrow we're off bowling, and next week we're going on holiday. So please don't think that all children in foster care have terribly sad lives. There are lots of brilliant foster homes (not saying mine is but I do aim for it!) where children excel.

Similarly, adoptive families. Children can and do thrive in them and in lots of cases adoption is the best outcome for the children.

Hopefully when you do meet with SS your sister will have been assigned a sensible social worker who can explain all the options to you and work with you to decide on what's best for your sister and the rest of your family.

I echo others, there is no perfect option here, I think you have to think about a least-worst option. Thinking of you.

I have to agree with IWannaSee here re. your nephew, almost regardless of what happens with your toddler sister.
Your sister and her husband need to step up and sort themselves out here, especially if you find that you do end up with your toddler sister for any length of time - why on earth are you having to take on responsibility for their child as well??

No. While you have your toddler sister with you, your adult sister can sort out her own child herself. That's one less worry on your plate!

But still leaves you with the tough decision re. your toddler sister. for you.

Great post by KitsAndKids

The stats given earlier in the thread for outcomes for children who have been in care are given in a very misleading way as though it’s the fact that the kids have been in care are the sole reason for the poor outcomes.

Here are some more up to date stats GOV.UK

Sorry for poor grammar

I think she should be put up for adoption.My Dsis and her DH, after a long wait, adopted a then almost 2 yo with special needs.That was 5 years ago, they are wonderful parents and she is doing really well.
This is the besyt outcome for this child, to be brought up in a family who really want her and she is much younger than the other DC so gets all the attention she needs.

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through with your Dad. You’ve done so much for him, but he seems to have hit the self destruct button & sadly I don’t think anything you do is going to change that. I have no idea how you’re supposed to come to terms with that, but I think you just have to, because no matter how much time, energy or whatever you expend, it’s not going to change decades of this being who he is.

Sadly, I actually think that him crashing out now has been the best thing for your Little Sister. Despite you doing your very best and having her a lot, she was still in his, very unstable, care. You alluded to it earlier, and I agree, she was in danger living with him.

A lot of posts have said similar to this...

The children went to loving adoptive families where they are the centre of all things. The new mums and dads have time and energy and a huge capacity to love these children. Their joy and their pride at their children is a truly wonderful thing. The children have every opportunity and the full attention of their new family and extended family. Adoption is not a second best choice, IMO. Its a brilliant choice for children from difficult backgrounds

IF you could be sure this would happen, then yes, I could see that being a great option, especially if you could find a couple who would love you to be very involved.

Sadly, once you hand responsibility for her over to SS you lose all control of how/where she’s placed. They might decide that ‘no contact’ is what she needs.

I can totally understand the absolute resentment you feel for having to deal with the various issues arising from her feckless birth mothers, and your fathers, actions. I would be too. These things can & do affect our bonds with their children.

Because I would have no control over who or how she was adopted or fostered, I would keep her. It would affect my MH worrying that the she was in the worst of the situations in the care system and that I had lost control over her situation.

If the fostering/adoption went really well & she quickly ended up with her forever family, for all of their sakes you’d have to take a massive step back. If it’s a good situation for her, they’re not going to want you having her at Christmas, Easter & being involved in choosing schools etc. At best, I’d say you could aim for the sort of relationship you have with nieces & nephews who live the other end of the country.

As I say, I don’t trust our fostering/adoption system enough to lose control of her to them, so I’d keep her.

Obviously it’s going to be incredibly difficult (understatement) & you and DH would have to talk, a lot, about how things would need to work.

Whilst some things might not be ideal, I’d look at doing whatever it takes to make it work, such as a childminder 8-6 M-F even on your days off. Each of you having a rota of 1:1 with each of the 5 kids, even if it’s just an hour or two.

Your youngest ones won’t remember a time when she didn’t live with you and hopefully the eldest understands. Also, with being so much older, at least they should have some evening time alone with you.

Perhaps you Mum and your sister can have various ones some weekends & holidays.

Why are you caring for your nephew? What do your sister and her DH do for you?

You’ve said you couldn’t see her going into care & you’ve said your other sister won’t have her, so I don’t see you have any other option but to work out how to have her with the least impact on your MH & your other kids. Your DH sounds lovely & like he understands the commitment this would be...he needs to understand, totally, how much of this will be falling on your shoulders.

I’m really, really sorry about your other bereavement. It’s so very hard to lose someone who was always there for you and that you could properly talk to 💐

....so you are planning to look after 5 children under 5, including one with FAS. This is not realistic OP, not for your 3, and not for your dsis - getting 1/5th of the attention when you are little may lead to some of your kids having attachment issues.

And when will your 12yo ever get a look in? He or she is about to hit puberty, and I have found that pubescent children actually need just as much, if not more attention than the littlies. They are just tots with more money.

And you will still be responsible for another "child", your father, in that time.

ANd doing all of this while your husband is unavailable and you are struggling with your mental health.

I predict you will last a year, maybe 18 months before a breakdown. ANd then where will ALL your children be?

You sound amazing, OP. Unfortunately the same doesn't appear to be true of your adult sister who's adding to your workload and taking no responsibility for your half sister. It seems very unfair that all the worry and hard work is falling on your shoulders.

OP, you are so brave.

@MrsRyanGosling15

I took on my 8 week old great nephew 15 years ago.
He has autism and LDs. We knew that the likelihood of these things was very high even back then.
Within a year of placement our DD was diagnosed with cancer. She became very disabled before she died.

People are probably fed up of hearing my story on MN but I am telling you this so you know I have some experience of what you are going through.

If you want to talk about it via PM I am happy to do that. I will be honest.

No pressure. I won't be offended if you don't want to

you sound like an amazing, strong and resiliant person. I think in your heart of hearts you want to keep her.

For what its worth I think your family could make it work, But you need support

Securing Looked after Status (LAC) for her will gain you access to more support
If you work, you may have to rethink whether you can continue, use that for leverage with social services for financial support ( you would still be cheaper than foster care)
claim DLA, if you do have to give up work, you would be entitled to carer's allowance
Buy in support - cleaner, ironing service, au pair etc
your sister needs to step up, at minimum taking responsibility for her own child care.
It will be tough but I think you could do it

If you say no, it’s not you being heartless, it’s being aware that your time and emotional energy and mental well-being is not an infinite resource.

This ^^ from nolonger is spot on I think. OP, you are clearly a wonderful mum and a very caring and strong woman. Please look after yourself so that you can continue to be all these things.

I've just read your post about your children's ages. So in your house some days you have an under 1, 2 year old, two 3 year olds, a 4 year old and a 12 year old? Hats off to you, you are amazing coping with them all and your dad's issues. I don't think I could do it, without something (probably my mental health) having to give. Do not let anyone pressurise you into doing something that will not be right for you and all of the children in the long term. And I would definitely tell your sister that she needs to find new childcare for her son - you have enough on your plate!

I can't advise you as to what you should do about your sister because I have no idea what the best outcome is. Heart breaking situation .

But you need to take a massive step back from your dad who is affecting your own mental health and is in no place to care. I really feel for you.

I've experienced the heart ache of an alcoholic grandfather and father. Fortunately they were generally functioning alcoholics, so I've never experienced anything as devastating as what you have described and what you are going through right now. but when they drank it was so sad and sometimes frightening to watch, with one having an explosive temper and prone to violence after a few drinks. Anyway I know how destructive it is, and when I lost my father, I felt so sad that he had ruined his final years by pushing us all away and drinking himself to an early death; and all because his father had been an alcoholic and inflicted such terrible things on him growing up. I really am sorry you are going through this and I can't imagine what I would do in your position in relation to your step sister. But you're right, she must get away from this situation now, before it inflicts any more damage on her. I'm not familiar with the impact FAS has on a child's development, but I can only assume it would be a huge undertaking to get her the help she needs as she grows up. Overall, how do your children currently interact with her? Do they have a strong bond and friendship? What is her current behaviour like when she stays with you? She is very young still, but all of this must have had an impact on her ability to trust and love, alongside any development challenges from the FAS. Also it may be a hard question to answer, but do you love her enough to be a mother figure for the rest of your life? Tough questions to answer in these circumstances I'm sure. I think I would be frightened to let her go into the SS system, but equally you have to put your own family and children first. I guess if you, your husband and children could really love her and unconditionally accept her as part of the family, then you should try to make it work. But if you really think you won't be able to do that, then maybe you need to let her go and give her a chance at finding a family who can give her the love and support she needs, and who aren't conflicted by the emotional baggage of having an alcoholic parent.

if you, your husband and children could really love her and unconditionally accept her as part of the family, then you should try to make it work.

It's not a question of love and acceptance, is it? It's whether op and her dh, who already have four children, three of them very young, are the best people to give this little girl the care she will need. It might be that the most loving thing the op can do is acknowledge that she is not in the best position to do that.

But I agree with pp, op should tell her adult sis now that she must find alternative childcare.

I can’t add anything but I wanted to send you my best wishes and hope that everything goes as well as it can for your whole family ❤️ Please take time for yourself x it’s not selfish - if you don’t look after yourself you won’t be able to look after everyone else and make informed decisions x

It's not a question of love and acceptance, is it?

I agree. You already clearly love her very much and want to be able to accept her completely. If only it were so simple. And yes, for her it could be that the very best situation would be for you to throw open your heart and home and scoop her up and surround her by loving biological family for the rest of her life.

BUT (and it's a massive BUT) she is only one of seven people whose needs are equally important (your dcs, your dh, you and her). If by scooping her up your other dcs suffer disproportionately by sharing their lives with a highly challenging, needy disabled dc then you need to weigh up all their needs not just hers. If your mental health is likely to take a knocking (and whose wouldn't?) and your relationship ends up under strain you need to weigh up your and your dh's needs against hers. The unfortunate reality is that a marriage is more likely to break down if a child has disabilities.

At the young age of two, with a high likelihood of brain damage her future best outcome and your family's future best outcomes are most likely if she is adopted into a smaller family who can devote their full time to her.

It's not selfish to put your dcs and yourselves on the list of needs to consider. It's selfish not to.