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Adoption

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Original poster

To not want to take 2yr old in?

711 replies

MrsRyanGosling15 · 07/01/2018 12:09

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

OP posts:

FireCracker2 · 10/01/2018 14:12

Repeating someone else's post again: Ignore the goady fuckers.

stop being so childish! There is no 'goading' on this thread.Ther are people who disagree with the Op having the child.But the OP asked for opinions and she got them.

BlueSapp · 10/01/2018 14:21

IMHO I wouldn't let part of my family disappear out of my life if it was possible I could take them in.

Shes two, just a little girl and none of this is her fault either, she needs love and direction and not cold shoulders and put into care.

Like i said this is my opinion and I'm not critising what you are thinking

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 10/01/2018 14:30

OP, your children are your priority. Having a Mother who is at breaking point is not responsible and would be letting them down.

It's awful that your little sister will be parentless but that is not your fault, you can facilitate a wonderful relationship with her without having to take her in.

By sheer numerical volume, you shouldn't have to take her or bear the financial burden of another child when your sister has one. If she won't take her, why should you?

I suggest both of you sit down with social services and your partners and have a very frank and honest conversation.

You are not the bad guy for wanting the best for yourself and your kids and this is not your responsibility alone.

Pannacott · 11/01/2018 03:43

OP, just to clarify, when I said 'I don't know why this isn't troubling you more', I specifically meant 'I don't know why the impact of the care you are providing, and considering providing in the future, on your own children, isn't troubling you more'.

It is very clear that the overall situation is troubling you deeply and you aren't taking it lightly at all. But it does seem like your own children's needs are being terribly overlooked in the face of your sister's more obvious needs. They don't seem to be equally weighted.

Your sister had additional needs, but the importance of your children's (4 of them!) needs being met, are equal to the importance of hers being met.

HaveAWeeNap · 04/03/2018 10:54

Any update, OP?

Original poster

MrsRyanGosling15 · 31/03/2018 23:06

Don't know if anyone is still here but just an update. So it has finally happened. The disaster I have been waiting for. Other parent had complete mental breakdown and now drinking again. He will never get her back after this. He is physically and mentally very unwell. Mental health services and social services are shameful. I don't know how they can sleep at night. They know and have all skipped off for their long weekend only saying we will schedule a meeting in the next week or 2. She is in our care. I'm so so bloody sad and broken. Other parent refusing any help or hospital as he doesn't want to get better. He just wants to die.

Just so fed up of dealing with the serious ramifications of a whole shit storm that really shouldn't be my responsibility. He is my parent too, I have fought with everyone to try and get him help before. So he is suicidal at home alone, drunk. Dh away and I'm at home with 5dc. No one to help him as mental health team "won't assess with alcohol on board" like it's that easy to get an alcoholic to sober up. Fuck the social services, fuck the mental health teams, fuck drink. Just screw the lot of them. I hate living in this situation and I'm fed up of just feeling so bloody sad. Dsis is is safe and happy but I look at her and it just breaks my heart. She's basically an orphan and she's only 2. I feel like a horrible person because I'm just not strong enough to deal with all this. I'm going to lose my dad, I just know it.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/03/2018 23:15

Bloody horrifically sad

Idontdowindows · 31/03/2018 23:16

Hun, I am so sorry. Nothing any of us here can say will lift that burden off your shoulders and it will remain a burden whichever decision you eventually take regarding your little sister.

You are a good person and don't let anyone tell you any different. The very fact that this torments you so tells you that you are.

Nobody in their right mind will blame you if you find your sister a foster home specialised in the care she is going to need.

You take care of yourself too, please.

Megs4x3 · 31/03/2018 23:17

I can only offer virtual hugs but my heart weeps for you. Im so, so sorry that your having to deal with this. ((((Hugs))))

Schmonday · 31/03/2018 23:19

I'm so sorry :( my heart breaks for you all :(

Andro · 31/03/2018 23:19

OP, that sounds so incredibly hard. You are not horrible, you are hurting and at/near the end of your own emotional rope. I would suggest an appointment with your GP at the earliest opportunity - and yes, I would class it as an emergency!

Will your DH be back soon? Will your other sister help you out?

butternutsquashe · 31/03/2018 23:21

I’m so sorry. I have addict parents who can’t look after my younger sibling. I totally feel for you.

butternutsquashe · 31/03/2018 23:22

If you are anywhere near Bristol I can help out in whatever way you need.

BackAwayFatty · 31/03/2018 23:25

I'm so sorry! Is your other sis about to help at all?

Prestonsflowers · 31/03/2018 23:26

Just read the whole thread, my heart goes out to you.
This is a terrible situation for you, your DCs, your DH and your DSis.
I have no advice to offer but I just wanted to say that I think what you’ve done is amazing.
💐💐

SilverBirchTree · 31/03/2018 23:27

Mulberry72 · 31/03/2018 23:28

I’m sorry for the position that you’re in, I cannot begin to imagine how hard this all is for you.

I’ve no advice but am sending unmumsnetty hugs and best wishes to you all xxxx

AdelicaArundel · 31/03/2018 23:37

Ah MrsRyanGosling I lurked on your thread in January and I'm sorry to hear that things have come to a head as you predicted.

You sound so sad and worn out... take care of yourself first. Hugs.

CapnHaddock · 31/03/2018 23:39

Oh gosh I've just read this for you.

I'm so sorry that the support services are letting you down, that your dad is so crap and all this is landing in your lap.

Namesarehard · 31/03/2018 23:42

Lots of love to you. The little one is lucky to have you currently. It's an awful lot to lose at such a young age. Heartbreaking.

Original poster

MrsRyanGosling15 · 31/03/2018 23:42

Thank you everyone. Putting her to bed earlier whilst feeding the baby and arguing with crisis team on the phone who won't come out. Apparently you only get help if you are suicidal and sober but definitely not if your suicidal and drunk

After I put them all down I spoke to him he started saying oh I just need to get off the drink and get her back. He got very angry at any suggestion that it's not that straightforward. She will never be back. He disclosed a few things, thoughts etc which are too painful to put down but I will be telling social services. She doesn't deserve that life with him. It's not a life. Social services so far have seemed far too concerned with the rights of a parent to be with a child not the rights of the child to have love and stability and a safe happy home. I honestly have never felt so lost in all my life, ever. I do not know the answer or what will happen. My heart breaks for him and for her.

MY Dh is in Canada as party of a charity trip. Stupid us thought things were stable enough. He turns down so many things so we r always available. I should have known the shit would hit the fan as soon as he left. Home Wednesday.

My sister took some of my kids earlier but with Easter in the morning I wanted them all here and I think she needs the stability of sleeping in the same bed each night.
I cannot imagine the sheer pain and saddness he must be feeling. I can't fully explain the depths of his mental illness. I truly think the only way he will ever find peace is when he dies and that alone breaks me.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 31/03/2018 23:42

Oh I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this

No words of advice, just offering a virtual

LampHat · 31/03/2018 23:50

So sorry it’s all happened like this. She’s very lucky you are there for her right now, and to push for the right outcome for her and your DF. I hope he eventually gets the support he needs, and you do too if you end up looking after her in the longer term.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 31/03/2018 23:52

I have no useful words or advice op but I have read each of your replies and I just wanted to tell you that I think you are lovely person, an amazing mother and sister, a strong person, a caring daughter, please don't give yourself a hard time, I couldn't imagine dealing with all that you are. You are your dh sound like such a great couple. I wish you, your sister and all of your family the very best

Original poster

MrsRyanGosling15 · 31/03/2018 23:55

nocabbage thank you so much. Hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes.

OP posts:

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