To not want to take 2yr old in?

[MrsRyanGosling15]

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how.

So very sorry mrs

I’m so so sorry OP, this situation is heartbreaking. Thank God you love her because she doesn’t seem to have a lot else. I’m sorry your parent couldn’t be strong enough to look after you or your sister, and you’re having to parent both of them. I hope this works out for you all in the best possible way

Poor little mite. I wish her happiness and you peace, OP.

Oh OP.I wasn’t on the thread earlier but have read it all, and I just wanted to say I think you are doing great.I’m so sorry your dad is in the position he is,no matter what has passed I am sure it must be so difficult to see him in such a state. For now I guess all you can do is take things a day at a time,be kind to yourself, do bare minimum in terms of cooking/cleaning etc and let the kids have screen time. It sounds like you will need all your energy over the next few days. Best of luck with it all

I can only imagine it must be. Try not to under estimate yourself and all that you have achieved for your sister and your father. No matter what happens or what you decide to do it is clear to see that you are juggling everyone's best interests, be kind to yourself, don't forget to include your own best interests in with everyone else's, you are important too

I'm so sorry to hear this.
This is an unspeakably hard situation but you are an amazing mother and sister.
Whatever happens next, in the future your little sister will understand that you did the right thing.

So sorry op. just be kind to yourself as much as possible. Afraid your dad is a lost cause, unless he goes to aa you can only withdraw with love. If someone can make sure he eats that may be all that can be done. Alanon may help you and your sister.
Hope ssd will have family conference.you need to decide whether you can foster your sister long or short term, whether she is adoptable or you should become guardian. Ssd should help financially, maybe with respite care.
Makes me think of bob geldof adopting his exes child, which seems to have worked out tho peaches was so damaged by her mother.
No easy solution, any path is going to be hard but you have time.

I haven't read the whole thread but see you mention finances , I know this isn't the only issue but my friend has just taken custody of her 3 grandchildren ( similar situation- fucking drugs) and she gets quite a substantial allowance for them .

I hope it all works out for you X

OP you are so very brave.
You are doing the right thing in keeping your little Step Sis away from your Alcoholic father.
Hopefully you and your Dsis can work out some shared care between which is going to be a far more stable situation than she has had with her father.
You, your DH and Dsis are doing a fantastic job given the devastating circumstances

mising that is so strange because I was thinking about her a while ago. How cycles repeat themselves and dysfunctional families can just continue through generations. I need to break the cycle. If it turns out I can't give her a home I still owe her the best possible chance of normality even with odds stacked against her. I'm working tomorrow evening so my mum is coming up to mind them all. She broke down in treasure saying she feels responsible because she met him and she wish she never did sometimes. He is just such a sad, sad person and so unwell. Physically is isn't good at all. He can hardly breath.

I'm so sorry to hear about all this. Have you tried contacting MIND?

I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this OP. You don’t deserve it and didn’t ask for it but you are having to sort out the mess made by others, it’s so desperately unfair.

You are strong enough to get through it all though. I know it’s unfair you should have to but you will cope, you will hold it all together and you will be ok.

Is there anyone that can offer you some respite for a few hours during the day at all? Sometime for you to clear your head a bit and work out what you want and need to do next?

My heart goes out to you Op X

I’m so sorry, such an awful situation

Read the whole thread Mrs and I think you’re extraordinarily brave. You’re doing your best in a completely fucked up situation. Take each day as it comes and know that far from being a bad person you’re a bloody kind and courageous person.

MIND is a good suggestion actually. The branch were we live is actually run by a man that my dad met in hospital many many years ago when they were both sectioned. This man turned his life around and has always tried to keep an eye out for my dad.

Hi. I also haven't read the whole thread. We have an adopted daughter who has FASD although we didn't know that for sure when we adopted her.

We then went on to adopt another child (not related).

A year later we were contacted by SS as 2nd child's mother was pregnant again. We were asked if we would adopt the new baby.

We said no as our existing children needed all our attention. As they have got older, this has proved to be the right decision.

We are now friends with the other family who adopted his half sibling and it's all worked out really well.

I realise that the background situation is different but the point I am trying to make is that you need to do what is right for your existing family as well as this child.

We knew that we wouldn't be able to support everyone how we would want to. The new child is now with a family who can which is also better for her. FASD is difficult to deal with and it is a lifelong condition so you need to feel comfortable that you could deal with that on top of everything else.

It's an awful situation for you to be in but go with your instincts. You will know what you can or can't deal with.

It's not even the alcohol that is the primary issue to be honest. It's the serious deterioration of his mental health. I believe he need to be in hospital. For both his physical and mental health. We have been left drowning by services that aren't fit for purpose. Texted me a list of numbers that are useless. I've been here a million times before. I drove him to the offices of the crisis team before and had a sit down protest. Didn't budge for over 3hours until someone helped us. I was sobbing and begging for someone to help him. He was hearing voices telling him he was jesus and needed to show sinners the way. He's not even religious! I probably looked like the one who needed sectioned. I got him a bed in the end tho. I can be one hell of a force to be reckoned with when I need to. But honestly, I don't have the fight left in me anymore. I feel like I can only fight for her or him. And it's always going to be her that wins.

OP - I’m so sorry. Social care NEVER EVER put the best interests of the child first. NEVER! And I say this as someone who deals with them almost daily. They will
ALWAYS side with the ‘rights of the parent’ - they are too fucking scared to do anything else so please be aware that if he decides he wants her back - social services will agree. Every time. They are a disgrace. They’ll be hoping she stays alive till she old enough to become his carer so they don’t have bother at all with any of it - because it’s all a bit too difficult. I absolutely agree with the fact that you don’t have to be her permanent carer but please do fight social services to get her a long term foster placement. If he decides he’s ok (no matter if the whole world can see he’s not) they will send her back her father - I guarantee. If he doesn’t want her/admits he can’t cope, they’ll still try to force the issue and insist he can and if that fails, they’ll lean on you. If it’s not to be you then resist and insist on long term card and escalate (magic word in sc) until you get to court.
Best wishes

YANBU. Its your life and your children come first. If you cant do it then you just cant do it. Its not your fault or your responsibility.

However have you looked into long term fostering? I have friends who do this. The birth parents are not coming back, my friends have no intention of giving the little boy up and have had him for 6 years (since he was 1), but somehow still have him under the fostering rules. Meaning they get large payments for him including household expenses and holiday help. No idea what special circumstances there are with it though, but may be worth looking into if you are worried about your own children missing out financially if you do end up taking DS.

fatbird I know it's a wide range of things but do you think you could just try to quickly tell me what it's like having a child like this? What are the main issues and what is different about a child like that as opposed to a child that doesn't have those issues? Its the unknown of it that utterly terrifies me.

OP, I've not FTFT, just skimmed the first couple of pages of your posts.

I'm a pragmatist, and no, you can't take this child on. I have a child with ASD, she's mine and I love her more than anything, I sometimes gaze at her and am consumed with such love. But if I could chose a Daughter without her struggles? And the impact it has on the family?

Your sister is an individual who is not responsible for the people who made her as she is, but neither are you, your children or your marriage.

No.

Sometimes in life very hard decisions have to be made, and sometimes they're not of our making. But you have to make the best choice for the children you have, not the one you didn't.

And you must feel NO guilt for any choice you make.

I feel terribly for the child, it's a shit situation, but, ultimately, your children shouldn't suffer (and they will if you take on a child with complex needs), for someone else's bad choices.

effic what terrifies me is I think you are right. Myself and my Dh will go to the papers, go to court, anything to make sure that doesn't happen. You know when you see parents that have killed their children and themselves. And after there are all sorts of reviews and lessons learned? Deep deep down this is a serious concern of mine. I can not ever let her go back. Even if it kills him.

@MrsRyanGosling15 firstlyI just want to say that you sound like youre doing a great job for your family, you soubd like a fantastic sister and mother. So sorry to see the new updates about your father.

I second previous posters' suggestions that you look into heconing your sisters long term foster carer - its similar to adoption except you get both financial help as well as practical help, including being able to access a certain amount of respite days each year where social work/ the fostering team will help arrange childcare.

I also feel you should speak to your adult sister to get her more involved. Even if she and your mother were to take all the kids out once a week or every second week for a few hours during the day, so you could have sone time to yourself, could make a huge difference for you.

Hope things work out for you and your family.

Fat bird raises another option. If you’re sister were to be placed for adoption or long term foster care you could still have contact it doesn’t have to be that she disappears
If she’s going to stay with you then;
You could look to have her child benefit paid to you
Have A special guardianship order which may help you gain financial security and autonomy for your Dsis living with you it also opens up her accessing services if she needs them
Has she spent time as a looked after child because this is a factor in School places and sometimes accessing certain health services including CAMHs
Social services may not be your key to the services she’s entitled to they may be dependent on the budget and the SW and I mean no disrespect to children social workers they do I believe do what they can in the department they are in.
I think what you need is a children’s lawyer to help you navigate options and next steps and possibly to represent your youngest sister
But mostly don’t feel bad if you choose not to raise her many adoptive parents and foster carers will tell you parenting a child with a chaotic first two years and possibly FASD is hard and you need to be honest about what you can do not just what everyone wants you to do.
I wish you all the very best but please ignore the nasty comments they have no idea what you are facing