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Adoption

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Original poster

To not want to take 2yr old in?

711 replies

MrsRyanGosling15 · 07/01/2018 12:09

Long story short and will change a few bits but here goes. Have a 2yr old half sibling. 1 parent dead and 1 parent with realistically not long left. Both parents had addiction issues. I have spent my life going above and beyond for the parent that myself and sibling have in common. Lots of help with addiction and serious mental health issues. I have another sibling my age with 1 dc I have 4. It seems to be assumed that myself and DH will take her in.

I know we would offer her a better home, we have a 6 bed place. I'm always there for school runs etc. I feel we have a more stable family life to offer. But this is what makes me feel so bad AIBU in the fact that I just don't want to? I have 4 and that is tough and financially a stretch. My kids would never have a holiday again. Think of all the school uniforms, birthdays, dance classes, school dinners not to mention the fact this little one may have fetal alcohol syndrome and all the unknown issues that come with it.
Deep down I know I'm not too good with kids. I love my own and I love this one as a sibling but if I'm being honest I love my own kids more and dont want them to miss out. To admit that has me so upset and makes me feel horrible guilt that I am a terrible person but it's true. I think if my other sibling took her in it would end her marriage as her DH wouldn't support it whereas my DH loves her like one of his own.
How do I look her in the face as an adult and tell her I just didn't want to have her?
Also I think the anger I still feel for the dead parent is still affecting me. I can honestly say I hate her even though she is gone. I predicted this whole situation before she died and the fact I couldn't stand her when she was alive makes me feel like I shouldn't have to sort out her mess she has left by dying when it was all her fault (overdose)
So I do t know what I'm asking? AIBU this horrible selfish person I think I am? Can u take a child in and sacrifice things, not just money but time etc with your own? What should I do? And please be nice, this has been a year from hell that has had me at the brink and i dont think I can take 1 more kicking. I just want to be a good dsis and a good DM but I don't think I know how. Sad

OP posts:
Leigha3 · 09/01/2018 23:51

Sadly she'd be better off being put up for adoption and taken in by a family that wants her then a biological family that doesn't. I'm shocked child protective services hasn't already intervened.

PugonToast · 10/01/2018 00:43

@Leigha3
Here's an idea - why don't you fuck off with your judgemental, ignorant and incorrect assertions?

HannaSolo · 10/01/2018 00:57

@Leigha3 SS are already involved RTFT......

HmmHmmHmmHmmHmmHmm

FireCracker2 · 10/01/2018 02:11

Because people think differently to you doesn't mean they are goady or haven't read the thread.It isnt that the op hasnt thought it through, it is thst she hasnt got the experience and insight to understand how this will , in all probability pan out. Even without special needs, bringing an adopted child of 3 ,4,5 into the family is very different to them aquiring a new born sibling.Especially when the children are a similar age.If is DAMAGING and when the adopted has SN the effect is magnified 100x.I think the op is imagining the situation is about getting X percent less attention or fewer toys.No the effect is much much deeper than that and she should be prepared for her own DC going off the rails and long term damage to their relationship with her.I cannot stress enough that you need to seek out people in real life who
have knowledge of similar age and sn
adoptions.You are throwing your own kids under the bus and creating a situation which is not going to be great for the little girl.She would be much better off being the only child in a family who will adopt of foster her long term rather than possibly spending her childhood feeling like a burden
if he other children had been much older than the situation might be worth trying.

Saffronwblue · 10/01/2018 03:46

OP you and your family sound really lovely and I feel for you in this awful situation. You must feel that the impact of your dad's addiction is continuing to massively affect your life, where you and your DH have worked to create a loving stable family unit.

I'm not qualified to comment on the impact on your family of taking in this little girl. I do think it would be huge and I can completely understand your reservations. Try not to act out of guilt or anticipation of future guilt. Sit with your DH and try to map out what all your lives could look like in 10, 20 and 30 years time with and without your dsis living with you.

Original poster
MrsRyanGosling15 · 10/01/2018 04:04

firecracker I have not ever, or would ever 'throw my children under a bus' Do not dare to ever think that my dc are anything less than my top priority. Ever. Funnily enough I don't have experiance of having an alcoholic step mother drop dead and leave a young child to be looked after. Thankfully its not an everyday occurrence. And to the idiot that thinks I'm only thinking about toys, learn to read dear. My whole point is that I'm terrified of what this will do to my children and the family life I had expected us to have.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRyanGosling15 · 10/01/2018 04:06

leigha Yes I'm doing all I am so far because she is clearly so unwanted Confused

OP posts:
MrsWhirly · 10/01/2018 04:09

Sorry, but all I could think of when reading your post was 'that poor, poor baby'. No chance in life

Pannacott · 10/01/2018 04:24

No no no.

Your own children are so young. Your infants are not getting the attention and love that they need, and that you were expecting to provide. I don't know why this isn't troubling you more. They are at critical ages, neurodevelopmentally, especially the little one - read 'Why Love Matters'.

If one of your older children had been so damaged, I'm guessing you wouldn't have gone on to have more, as it obviously wouldn't have been fair to choose to provide such limited attention to your other children. Read some of the threads in relationships about how damaging it can be growing up with a chronically ill sibling.

Similarly look at divorce rates in families raising a chronically ill child / child with developmental problems or special needs.

This child does not sound like it is going to have a normal developmental trajectory. They do not sound likely to be able to support themselves and live independently. You will be providing care for the rest of your life. When you die, the responsibility will then fall to your children.

I imagine that your DH's traumatised response to his childhood issues is colouring the picture very much. 'Saving' this child will not change his past. It may well damage his children's childhood and family bonds though.

And everyone whose heart is breaking about the poor innocent sister - of course it is terribly sad. Since you all have no compunction about guilting the OP into accepting this dreadful situation, I am super pleased to hear that you are so moved and feel so much compassion that you are all signing up to become therapeutic foster carers to the many damaged, abused, chronically unwell children out there desperate for love and support.

Want2bSupermum · 10/01/2018 04:46

OP I really feel for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would ask SS to look at specialist foster care for the short time as you have four young DC. In 12-18 months you can reassess. In the meantime I think you should speak to someone about your relationship with your parent who has addiction issues.

I get where you are coming from and have two SN DC myself. It's a lot of work and someone is always missing out. Sometimes you have to be 'cruel' to be kind. I say 'cruel' because I what I actually mean is that you have to do what is best for your family and it would be cruel to adopt her only to resent her.

Isetan · 10/01/2018 05:41

This child needs a level of emotional support that you simply are not in a position to provide. Your unresolved issues with this child’s parents coupled with your existing parental demands means that taking them in, could do them more harm then good.

Maybe it’s time to work through your existing issues, not add to them.

LakieLady · 10/01/2018 07:35

OP, please don't be guilt tripped into looking after your sister.

This is a decision that will affect your whole family. The impact of another child, who may well have significant SN, will be massive. The whole family would have to take these needs into account when making any decisions, from what to do on a family day out to where to live.

Think ahead. Your sister is close in age to your three youngest. How on earth would you cope with 4 tempestuous teens, one of whom has SN that may affect her behaviour?

Your own children will grow up and one day be able to live independent lives, your sister may never be able to do that. At 2.5, her needs are already significantly greater than those of your own 2-year old, at 40 she may still need significant care and support.

I think you've been very brave to share your concerns on here. You are clearly a very kind and thoughtful person. I doubt if anyone who knows you would think a decision not to care for your sister was taken out of selfishness or thoughtlessness.

Your own family must come first.

LakieLady · 10/01/2018 07:39

OP, please don't be guilt tripped into looking after your sister.

This is a decision that will affect your whole family. The impact of another child, who may well have significant SN, will be massive. The whole family would have to take these needs into account when making any decisions, from what to do on a family day out to where to live.

Think ahead. Your sister is close in age to your three youngest. How on earth would you cope with 4 tempestuous teens, one of whom has SN that may affect her behaviour?

Your own children will grow up and one day be able to live independent lives, your sister may never be able to do that. At 2.5, her needs are already significantly greater than those of your own 2-year old, at 40 she may still need significant care and support.

I think you've been very brave to share your concerns on here. You are clearly a very kind and thoughtful person. I doubt if anyone who knows you would think a decision not to care for your sister was taken out of selfishness or thoughtlessness.

Your own family must come first.

picklemepopcorn · 10/01/2018 09:46

My DS was telling me last night that he thinks fostering shortened his childhood, that he had to be mature and sensible much too young. Don't underestimate the effect of an SEN child on the family. That said, one of your children could develop a high level of need at any time, and you would cope. You could argue this is the same.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 10/01/2018 10:01

I assume the child has a social worker? I suggest you speak with him / her, to discuss all the options

I think it's very easy to have a knee-jerk reaction that children must be taken in by members of their extended family, rather than going into the care system. Generally, the outcomes for children who grow up in family are better than the outcomes for children who grow up in the care system

However, when push comes to shove, the reality of taking an extra child and all the responsibility it brings mean that it's not a commitment that should be undertaken lightly

LaurieMarlow · 10/01/2018 10:07

That said, one of your children could develop a high level of need at any time, and you would cope. You could argue this is the same.

I don't think you can argue that actually.

The OP is not the legal guardian of this child. She didn't bring her into the world. At this point, she absolutely does not have the same responsibilities for this child that she has for her own.

Original poster
MrsRyanGosling15 · 10/01/2018 10:37

It's not a knee jerk reaction in the sense that at the moment she is living with her df. This is me trying to look ahead, maybe months, maybe years. It is because of all the unknowns and the repercussions that it could have on my own children, that I need to explore all my feelings about the situation. It would be incredibly stupid and naive of me not to do that. If I had no children or only had 1, there would be no question at all.

And to the poster saying she has no life ahead of her. Who do you think you are to say that? To completly write off a child at 2? I think she stands in a hell of a better position now than she did when social services decided she should live with 2 parents with serious issues and one ended up dead.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRyanGosling15 · 10/01/2018 10:43

I don't know why this isn't troubling you more I can 100% assure you from the moment I found out about this pregnancy I knew this was going to happen. Nothing in my life has ever caused me to worry more, cry as much and live in a permanent state of stress and anxiety that any min my phone will ring and the remaining parent will have went on the drink again and plans will need put onto action asap

OP posts:
TalkinBoutWhat · 10/01/2018 10:45

Oh OP, what a terrible situation for both you and your poor DSis to be in.

Your parent really fucked up monumentally, didn't they?!

Please take all the help available, and listen to the educated advice of those who have been in similar situations. (And ignore the goady fuckers.)

Are your DSis' additional needs severe enough to indicate she may not ever be able to be self supporting or independent?

Original poster
MrsRyanGosling15 · 10/01/2018 10:54

It's hard to say. She is coming on so much recently. She can follow any instruction you give her so her understanding is there. It's hard to know when everyone involved seems to be dragging their feet regarding a diagnosis.

OP posts:
TalkinBoutWhat · 10/01/2018 11:04

Well, one of the good things about her being 'in care' with you, is that you would be able to pick the most appropriate school for her needs, because most schools give priority to children in care, over and above sibling places. But to know which school will be the most appropriate, you need more of a diagnosis I guess.

and Flowers for you. A tough road, whatever decision you make.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 10/01/2018 11:22

OP, when I referred to a knee jerk reaction, I wasn't clear, sorry. What I meant was that for most of us, the instinctive response to hearing of a child who can't live with birth family is that OF COURSE they should be placed with extended family if possible

However, I was agreeing with other posters who have acknowledged that it's just not as simple as that

In your case, the situation is more complicated, because you aren't talking about a child who needs alternative care now, but you are (sensibly) planning ahead for care which the child may require in future

I think that if the child was removed from the care of her current parent at this stage, it's likely that the social work department would try to place her for adoption, if she couldn't live with extended family. However, as she gets older, it would become increasingly less likely that she would be placed for adoption. In that case, long-term foster care might be appropriate

In addition to speaking to her social worker, you could also approach adoption agencies, Barnardos etc to get more info about how life might turn out for her if she were to be adopted, having more information about possible outcomes might assist you in your decision making

magimedi · 10/01/2018 11:24

I've followed the whole thread & would just like to say what an awesome woman you are, MrsRyanGosling.

I am sure that whatever you decide to do, whenever it may happen, will be the best thing for this young girl. She is very lucky to have you.

Flowers
Tistheseason17 · 10/01/2018 12:03

Keep your head up @MrsRyanGosling15
Be proud - whatever you do will be the right thing as you are so kind and considerate Flowers
You are doing a great job already and keep us updated about progress. No judgement here as I have no idea what I would do as I am not in your situation. x

ForgivenessIsDivine · 10/01/2018 12:03

Repeating someone else's post again: Ignore the goady fuckers.

You are right to think this through.
You are right to consider all the options.
You are right to talk about your fears.

There are no fairy tale endings here, you can only what you feel is best.