Adoption

[Lancome]

I didn't know where to post this, but can anyone tell me if it's possible to Un- adopt a child. Give up all parental responsibilities?

No, she can't give up her child because she's bitter! What a genuinely shocking post.

I am very puzzled at this mother's assertion that she feels she's "invested too much". How much does she feel would be appropriate then? Is there a sliding scale? Are there tables for suitable Return On Investment, based on age x years x amount of love given?

Surely, as a parent, she has invested everything? I mean, that's what parents do isn't it? Or am I doing it wrong?

I don't hold something back 'just in case'. My daughter needs me to invest everything in her, it's the only way I can prove to her that I am the one she can rely upon, that I am her mother, that I won't let her down like her birth mother did.

What's with the rude attitude to Vixx OP?

If you want legal advice then google "how to unadopt".

Posting something here like this will of course make people give varying points of view - which may be highly emotive or completely off the mark, especially if their replies are based on very limited information.

Lickety, that's a really upsetting case - what awful people

Lancome, you're in a very difficult position, trying to do the right thing by your friend, but abusing vixx wasn't ok.

If I had a friend like that I'd be distancing myself tbh. She sounds appalling, waiting to return the kid like he's a faulty washing machine. Thank heavens this child has a dad to turn to.

Basically, no you can't "un-adopt".

You can admit you can't care for your child, and involve SS.

It sounds as though your friends needs family therapy, but if she really can't cope, what is the issue with the child living with Dad and going to boarding school. The mother can then engage as little as possible with the child.

Of course parenting a 14yo is an emotional roller coaster. You can't just give your DC away though, unless you are really struggling, and have no friends or family members willing to take on the child.

And if she's bonded with and loves the child, she wont just stop loving them...but it sounds as though there may have been bonding issues, which is totally understandable.

I would imagine that if this child has been sent to boarding school there are already some significant issues in the mix here perhaps wrt his behaviour or relationship (or lack thereof) with his mum.

While on the surface the idea of adopting a child and then potentially unaddopting it when the going gets tough seems shocking and selfish beyond words, in reality adoption is often not the utopian road to parenthood which is perceived by those who have never adopted.

The reality is that adoption breakdowns are incredibly common, and although children who are adopted cannot be unadopted, many do return to the care system for various reasons, often relating to the past which brought them to the adoption system in the first place.

I know of a couple who sent a child to boarding school after they had adopted him because his behaviour was so difficult that he put his siblings at risk. The alternative would have been to return him to the care system, but this way he went to boarding school, and the structure gave him greater stability in his home life, and prevented him from becoming a failed adoption statistic.

I imagine that the "going to his dad's and then not wanting to come home," is just the last in a long line of issues this mum has dealt with with him, and perhaps rather than feeling rejected she feels that she is no longer equipped to deal with the issues he has. Remember we know nothing about this child, the relationship with his parents, or the circumstances which meant he was placed for adoption in the first place.

I would think that un adopting isn't necessary, if the teen has gone to Dads and wants to stay there, then maybe the best thing to do would be to let him stay there. I doubt he'll like it there long if it's the Disney Dad thing going on, the Dad will get fed up and send him back. That or he'll get over it once he returns to school.
She should just back off and leave them to it.

wannaBe- Thank you. I honestly think you 'hit' the nail on the head.

Disruption is actually less common that it was previously believed - it 3%. People used to quote 25% but this was revised from a research study. However, teenage years are frequently a trigger point in disruptions.
OP, has your friend received any support from the post adoption support team in her LA? Are there any diagnosed attachment issues?
If you can share more detail, there at be experienced posters who can advise.

Absolutely disgraceful your child/children are for life how this person has been able to adopt is crazy. Poor child

thefamilyvonstrop- My friend has not, to my knowledge, received any post adoption recently. The support she received was soon after the child was adopted- which is years ago.

The child desperately adored her and she him-the lad did want to go to boarding school and she did her best to send him to boarding school, close to home- (Top in the country). Sadly not good with his grades etc.
It's possible (and I believe it's teenage years) as you say-as knowing this family well- the child has 'changed' in the last 12 months- very very indecisive!!.

I would also like to say that people who have been very quick to judge my friend so harshly are out of order and there is no need for all the aggro!

thefamilyvonstrop I also think the child has Dyspraxia however I haven't mentioned this to my friend - I don't know if I should

Is there a long history of difficulties in their relationship (mother and son)? How has he settled with his dad? It sounds like your friends son is trying to find his way in the world and for young people who have suffered early trauma it can be very hard. As mentioned above, teenage years can understandably be hard as they try to come to terms with their past, mixed together with all the other crap teens have to go through as the develop into adults, it's such a difficult period for them.

There should be support available from LA-mediation, counselling etc and it would be a good idea for your friend to track this down. I think you've received some harsh comments on here but I get the feeling we're only getting a tiny bit of the story as you are asking on her behalf. Adoption UK might also be worth contacting for support.

Very sad

Being a parent means I will stick with you no matter what

No matter means just that

I wonder if it were her birth child and they wanted to live with there dad as many children do would she be asking the courts to take away her parental rights

Sorry but you need to tell your friend 3 things

Shame on you

poster NigelLikesSalad

Sorry I don't agree if a mother came on mumsnet and said I had a really bad time with my child there being awful and wants to live with there dad

So now I want to sighn over my rights she is getting off lightly in my view

You would never ask this of a birth child you would just have to deal with what chikd you got

tamponlady People give up birth children too - unable to cope, unwilling to parent, under stress or illness.
Clearly, there is more going on here than the very simple explanation given.

Tamponlady you are right, I'm not disagreeing but we are only getting a tiny bit of the story from the OP who isn't even the mother. Might just be some random friend who doesn't know the half of it themselves......

OP Adoption UK would be a good start point for your friend to discuss how she's feeling.

The fact that this happens, however rarely, shows the very real need for more accessible post adoption support for families. As an adoptive mum I know far too many people who are totally committed to their children, but who are floundering trying to get meaningful help to support them. It shouldn't be a battle, and there needs to be a far greater awareness from professional services, friends, family and the wider public that raising children who have experienced early trauma can be extremely challenging.

I knew of one family who adopted siblings - they were never keen on the older one but were told they had to take both. They sent the older one back a few months after she was placed with them. And kept the toddler.

I appreciate it must have been hard for them - they didn't bond with the older child at all, and I should reserve my anger for the idiots who assessed them and allowed the placement to go ahead.

But my sympathies and sadness are entirely for the older child. She lost her birth parents and now her sibling. And she was old enough to know she had been rejected.

I don't agree with the Bristol research that says adoption breakdown is only 3%. I will have to check how they define 'disruption'. But I know of 100s of families who adopted very traumatised children who are now no longer living with them because their behaviour become so disruptive.

So whether this is the plot of some crappy novel or not, it's still something worth discussing and shining a light on. Adopting traumatised children can be very, very hard and I am not sure the support is out there when needed.

But as an adult if you make a decision to bring a child into your home, by birth or by adoption, I think it is a wicked thing to do to tell that child that you don't want them anymore. You may not be able to cope, you may not be able to live with your child but WHY would anyone dish out more rejection and trauma in this way? Only, I think, if they are quite troubled themselves.

People give up birth children too - unable to cope, unwilling to parent, under stress or illness.

Thanks - I was going to say this.

I irritates the tits off me when this type of post generates the "you can't give up on your birth children so you shouldn't give up an adopted child" posts.

Anyone can "give up" on their child. There are 90,000 ish children in care in the UK (roughly can't be bothered to google) they are all there because their parents were neglectful. Many will be there because they can't cope with their children and the state is having to care for them.

You haven't described the situation well OP - if this childs father is prepared to look after him then the state isn't going to put the child in care. Let him stay at his fathers, it seriously would be better than foster care (even if SS would consider taking a child from a legal parent to put them into care).

Then get some family therapy and post adoption support - it would be cheaper than boarding school.

Spero, I believe the Bristol study focused on disruption post adoption order. I guess that potentially there is a group of disruptions that happen pre order although I can't imagine it would explain the fluctuating numbers that are quoted sometimes.
Sir martin narey uses the 3% figure in his communications (although potentially he has a vested interest in positive adoption messages)

I must go and read it again - the 3% just doesn't make sense. All previous research put adoption breakdowns at between 20-25% which certainly fits better with what I have heard about, particularly from parents of adopted teens.

There was a particularly sad case where the parents just didn't get the help they needed understanding attachment difficulties. But what really leapt out at me was that when they were upset with their daughter they gave away all her Irish dancing trophies - she never forgot and never forgave this.

she went back into care and I don't think her parents ever heard from here again.