Adoption

[Lancome]

I didn't know where to post this, but can anyone tell me if it's possible to Un- adopt a child. Give up all parental responsibilities?

[doitanyways]

I mean that when adoptions break down it isn't because someone has got bored, it's generally because being in a home environment is putting the child or others in danger.

[hereiamagain22]

It is like that.

we don't know how old the child is. The child (who could easily be a teenager) has decided they wish to live with their other parent. This is obviously hurtful for the parent who had main care. I felt quite a few pangs when my son at 17 went to live with his Dad for a year. What I didn't do is turn round to my son and say 'fuck you then, you are no longer my son, I am no longer your mother, I never want to see you again'.

I find this an utterly appalling reaction. She can't actually love the poor kid at all. It's plain sick.

[Lancome]

Vixxfacee Please R.E.A.D through. Your comment is unnecessary.

[Vixxfacee]

It is not that situation though.

A couple adopted a child. He or she is now their child.

Couple get divorced, child sent to boarding school, child decides to stay with dad.

Why would the mother decide to unadopt because she is bitter, angry or feeling rejected? That's not motherhood. You don't decide to give back when you have had enough.

I think the child has made a pretty good decision actually.

[Lancome]

The child is 14

[Vixxfacee]

I've read op. What part do you think I am not understanding.

This is not okay.

[DragAct]

No, she can't. Once a child is adopted, the situation is exactly the same as if the child is her birth child. Adoptions do 'disrupt', but the adoptive parent/s retain parental responsibility, even if the child lives elsewhere.

Has she accessed all possible post-adoption support? The Mn adoption board will be more knowledgeable.

[Lancome]

Vixxfacee- You know the whole story do you?, please like I said, your comments are not helpful.

Where did I post that the mother feels bitter, angry and rejected?!!!

[DragAct]

Oh, I missed the update. Agree adoption is irrelevant here. Ignore my point about post-adoption support.

[Vixxfacee]

Are you the mother?

[DragAct]

But my point still stands. She cannot abrogate parental responsibility.

[PerpendicularVincent]

I understand her feeling upset, but she can't just reverse the adoption. He's been her child for years and it would be a terrible thing to do.

Does she know why her son feels this way?

[catsrus]

you don't stop being a child or teenager's parent because they choose to live with the other parent . You deal with it, dealing with it might mean letting go for a few years but making it clear that you are still there for them when they want to re-engage.

I agree with Vixx - if this is the mother's attitude then it does sound like the child is making the right choice.

[Spero]

If the mother does NOT feel 'bitter, angry and rejected' then I struggle to understand why she thinks 'unadopting' her child is the solution.

I am afraid it reads exactly as if she is overcome by her own emotions and wants to lash out in the most hurtful way possible.

I am sorry if I sound unsympathetic as I am sure she is in a lot of pain.

BUT. She is the adult here. children say and do all sorts of stupid and hurtful things because they are CHILDREN - they lack emotional intelligence, a sense of perception/maturity etc, etc.

I don't know the back story here. But if her reaction to rejection from a child is to reject right back, in the most brutal and final way possible, short of killing herself, then I am sadly not surprised the child doesn't want to be with her.

[Vixxfacee]

Charming.

[PerpendicularVincent]

I don't think telling a poster to 'fuck off' is the way to get advice, OP. You will receive a variety of posts and viewpoints, which aren't necessarily what you want to hear.

[VashtaNerada]

Agree the adoption is a red herring. It's one thing considering this for a child who has recently moved in and there have been unexpected catastrophic events that mean the child is no longer appropriately placed there. This is completely different, it's the equivalent of a child living with their birth parents and then when they become difficult as a teenager the parents try to hand them over to social services. The mother clearly needs support but I very much doubt 'un-adoption' is the solution

[Duckdeamon]

It's not Ok for her to reject her DC because she feels hurt and rejected by the DC! (In favour of DC's useless adoptive father). Doubly not OK for adopted DC who are likely to fear rejection.

[Lickitysplit1]

Interesting case.
OP, I come from a family where all the siblings are adopted-from different families.
My DB was adopted later, and although he is a dote he is also a massive gobshite.
Never once, never once have our parents intimated that they regret adopting him. He is their son. They deal with issues as they arise and deal with them as they would their own child.
The fact that your friend even feels this way shows that something is wrong somewhere.
Someone isn't evil because they fail to bond with a child, be it a biological or adopted child. It happens.
But thinking they have an opt out at this stage shows to me that they are an idiot.
She needs professional help to deal with her issues. Then she might be able to deal with being a parent.

[namenamename]

This sounds like cutting off your nose to spite your face to me. And in the worst possible way where an adopted child is concerned.

[Lancome]

I think for her it's because she feels she's on an emotional rollercoaster that she needs to get off.

Also, because she has another adopted child, she feels very protective towards her, perhaps fearing that this will impact on her negatively- I don't know!

[DotForShort]

I know a family with four adopted children. Two of them were previously adopted by other families and came to them after the first adoptions disrupted. In fact, the youngest girl actually experienced two failed adoptions before coming to my friend's family. The emotional impact of being rejected by their first adoptive families has been enormous and very damaging, especially for the youngest child. My friend and her husband are amazing parents but they are really struggling with how best to support her.

I don't know the legalities of disrupting an adoption in the UK (my friends are in the US), but the emotional fallout will be intense and possibly not something the boy can recover from. If his mother would not take this extraordinary step with a biological child, she should not do so with an adopted child IMO. She clearly needs support. And if the boy wants to live with his dad for a bit, that might be a good option while she accesses support.

[honeyroar]

Why would she need to formally un adopt the child (which undoubtably would make the child feel hurt, rejected and left with issues for years) whatever the mother says)? If the child doesn't want to live with the mother anymore then she can step back and let the father take over. I agree with most other people, it just smacks of the mother being upset and lashing out. I have the adopted brother from hell. He has put my parents from hell over the years, but my parents never gave up on him.

[FATEdestiny]

This is horrendous.

OP - how do you think the child will feel about being un-adopted by Mum?

I assume Dad would stay as Dad?