Adoption

[Lancome]

I didn't know where to post this, but can anyone tell me if it's possible to Un- adopt a child. Give up all parental responsibilities?

[Devora]

OP, there surely must be a lot, lot more to this story; it doesn't make sense as it stands unless your friend is, frankly, such a piss-poor parent that she shouldn't have been allowed to adopt either child.

dibly is right that we desperately need improved post-adoption support. I think ongoing support should be the norm, not the hard fought-for exception.

And Kew is right that it is beyond irritating when people get all sanctimonious about disrupted adoption as though adoptive parents just play at parenting and don't take it as seriously as the 'real' McCoy. Once you adopt, you have exactly the same legal rights and responsibilities as any other parent. There are parents who are, frankly, not up to the task and should have thought it through more carefully before conceiving or adopting. And there are also parents struggling to parent deeply traumatised children who deserve a lot more understanding and support than they currently get.

[Spero]

This is a really good group for parents of traumatised adopted teens - I have met some of the members and discussed the problem of section 20 voluntary accommodation for their children, which often seems to be the only response when the adoptive parent is struggling with the child's behaviour.

thepotatogroup.org.uk

The point they make, as Devora has said, is that parenting a traumatised child with attachment difficulties can be really hard and is often just not understood - not by the parents and not by the social workers either.

[Devora]

That's a really helpful link. Thanks, Spero.

[EskiVodkaCranberry]

You have some funny posts OP. Agreeing with mybloodykitchen

[mybloodykitchen]

That's fucking horrible about the trophies.

It shouldn't come as much of a surprise that adoptive parents aren't supported to understand attachment. I have yet to meet a social worker who thinks attachment is really anything beyond 'child will sit on parent's/foster carer's lap eating a banana without screaming'.

We spent most of our time pre AO actively hiding some of our attachment parenting and being asked when we were going to send dc to nursery. Dc was under 1 at placement and I don't work, so nursery was clearly a priority.

[Spero]

Understanding of attachment is utterly woeful.

What really upsets me is when a social worker says that because a child is attached to his foster carer, this is a positive because he will then be able to 'transfer' this attachment to adoptive parents.

They never, ever seem to address the fact that the child will mourn the loss of the foster parent so I am guessing there won't be much support for adoptive parents to help a child make sense of that.

[Devora]

You're so right, Spero. I remember review meetings with the social workers just going "Lovely, she's well bonded, we're on our way" because dd was clinging to me. Looking back at photos of the time, she looks scared and woeful in every single one, but I was too overwhelmed and self-absorbed to really grasp that and nobody challenged me to. I feel sick with guilt about that now, and the social workers really should have known better. I was never challenged to be a better mother to her and, frankly, I wasn't good enough.

[thefamilyvonstrop]

I agree kitchen. I've seen so many sw reports that talk about attachment in terms of the child appearing compliant with a primary carer when outsiders are present or the child seems sociable. When adopters have talked about the child being rejecting in private or too sociable, they presume it's something the parent is doing wrong.

[mybloodykitchen]

Overwhelmed is right devora - self absorbed? Obviously I have no idea but I'd guess that like the rest of us you were glad to hear the 'they're doing fine' messages because you want the best for them and because introductions and early days can be bloody traumatic for adopters as well as everyone else.

At three months in if I talked about doing anything to build attachment dc's sw would look at me as if I were completely mad and say 'but s/he's fine'. Of course s/he wasn't bloody fine. How could he have been? They know nothing and they have no idea how ignorant they are.

[Devora]

I say self-absorbed because I was so completely overwhelmed and self-pitying and more than a little ambivalent. I think I went through the motions of good parenting but it wasn't nearly enough. I'm not beating myself up too much for that - I think it's understandable, and I was much the same after my birth child was born (?PND and PAD? I'm never sure). But I think a kind, wise, challenging social worker walking beside me a bit, challenging and reassuring and giving me new insights, would have helped ENORMOUSLY. I'm sure many parents of birth children might say this too, but the stakes are far higher in the early months after placement.

[Spero]

This is so depressing.

Members of the Potato group told me that invariably they are blamed if their children end up going back into care.

I think that acknowledging that early years trauma can be a really big deal (especially when child hits adolescence) is swept under carpet to a large extent to promote the wish of successive governments that adoption figures should go up.

I don't think any adoptive parent should beat themselves up. If you weren't getting guidance/support from the social work team, what on earth could you do? Particularly if the mantra is pushed at you that 'love is all you need'.

What I do think is very sad however, is to react in ways that further reject the child (as this op's friend is (allegedly) doing).

[Devora]

I think the right response is to accept that 'normal' parenting is often not enough for our children, and to take on the challenge to keep learning and developing empathy and being open to new ways to strengthen attachments. I hope the OP's friend has done that, or is doing so now. I'd be very happy to talk with her on here or offline about what has helped me, and I'm sure other adopters on here feel the same.

If she has tried everything and still feels the adoption is disrupting, I think we are the people who will understand that, too, and offer support.

[thefamilyvonstrop]

Devora, you definitely won't be the only adopter to look back and see things with retrospect that we missed early on. The first 6 months of (many) photos of my LO show a staring, unsmiling child sandwiched between two grinning, ecstatic parents. I sometimes can't look at them too long because the blank, dead eyes are just too upsetting compared to now where there is animation and humour. Yet, every professional told me how bonded we were, settled, attached...
Don't judge yourself harshly, I suspect you will need the head space for yourself and your child in the years to come.

[Devora]

Thank you, thefamilyvonstrop. We are a few years in, and definitely dealing with some of the problems! I don't think I'm beating myself up too much, but obviously guilt comes with maternal love - and I do now love her, hugely. I'm also doing a fair bit of therapeutic work at the moment, so it's all at the front of my mind. I think a little guilt keeps you on your toes, so to speak - but you're right, wallowing is a luxury we simply don't have time for

[mybloodykitchen]

Well if you don't spend your life wracked with guilt that you're doing it all wrong it's probably not parenting at all is it...

[tokoloshe2015]

Be careful of the potato group - I became a member when DD1 was going through a very difficult phase (and ended up back in care - but is still very much part of our family). I am the moderator on another adoption support site and warned someone by PM that the info they had posted was quite identifying. I then lost membership of the potato group because I had 'made a long standing, personally known member feel uncomfortable'. Presumably she would have preferred the info to remain public...

All very unpleasant when you're already going through a stressful and painful time as your family falls apart.

[VeniVidiVici786]

tokoloshe2015- First of all- what a brilliant username - I'm imagining a short creature with red piercing eyes through my door in the dark of the night.-hahaha.

Anyway back to the thread. While people are giving the OP some useful information regarding the issue, I just find it crass of some of the posters vilifying the adopter without knowing the full story. Who are we to say, ''she's an unfit mother who shouldn't have adopted in the first place?''- what would you say to the thousands of birth mothers whose children end up in care? She's had the child from the age of 2 the child is now 14 . Surely it could be that it's a teenage, puberty issue- and oh, she also has an adopted younger sibling to this 14 year old. (read thread from the start).

[tokoloshe2015]

Thanks veni , I hope I don't give you nightmares

I think the issue is wanting to 'unadopt' - a child needing to live elsewhere is one thing (I've been through that). Letting go and placing boundaries around contact - all completely reasonable in certain circumstances. But those are all very different from wanting to 'unadopt'.

[Spero]

I think a birth mother losing a child in care proceedings is (usually) an entirely different thing from a mother who says - I don't want you any more. I don't want any legal responsibility for you any more.

It doesn't matter that this isn't possible legally (unless child is adopted by someone else). Its the very clear message of absolute rejection that gives to the child.

Almost all the parents I meet in care proceedings have very strong emotions for their children and do not want to give them up. They often have very serious problems in keeping their children physically and emotionally safe, but that is an entirely different problem.

[tokoloshe2015]

The trouble with adoption stats is how you define 'disruption'. Is it any time after placement, or only after AO (bearing in mind birth family have the right to oppose at AO, when child may have been placed for months). Is disruption a return to care? What if the return is temporary while family therapy & support are provided? What if child lives in foster care, but has regular contact with their family? (E.G. my older daughter, who spends the weekend with us every few weeks, was with us for Xmas, has even been known to phone for my advice occasionally... but she couldn't cope with being a full part of a family).

[Ohyesiknowwhatyoumean]

I think it's the wanting to unadopt that people are reacting to, not to the harsh reality of adoption disruption with teens. My dsis's adopted teen can no longer live with her due to dn's dv against dsis (all now emerging as dsis begins to tell everyone the full story ) but she's up to her eyes in meetings with CAHMS and SS to try and get some intensive therapy in place for DN should she be willing to accept it. DN is once again back with the Disney version of the birth family has had another major fall out with dsis but maintains friendly contact with other members of the extended family - Dsis has been hospitalised by this teen but still talks about hoping for a time in the future when she can be her mum again .

My dsis is not a saint by any means, and I can be privately quite critical of some decisions she made wrt to DN but she loves her and has a commitment to her.

I'm furious with SS ATM - it all now emerges from the files that they knew at the time of the adoption things that DN later disclosed - major therapeutic work should have been in place for DN right from the start. . DN is an emotional time bomb but she's still part of our family.

[Jesabel]

Wanting to unadopt because the child has chosen to live with his dad and the mum feels rejected is what people are reacting to.

If this thread was about an adopted child needing to go back into care because he couldn't live safely within the family it would be different.

[3point14159265359]

I think, Jesabel, it's fair to say that the OP doesn't really tell us very much about what's actually going on.

I suspect many adopters reading this will be reading 'boarding school' and thinking 'residential care for child who can't be in family home'.

[Jesabel]

Between a residential school and living with the father there is even less reason for the mother to need to officially/legally reject the child.

[Spero]

Yes, that is what I am reacting strongly against. The wish to 'unadopt' the child seems to be all about the mother's own emotional reactions and is not in any way directed at what might help the child.

I am not saying the mother isn't allowed to feel upset and deeply hurt if she thinks she has been rejected. But as the adult and as the parent I think reacting in this way is immature and spiteful.

She can maintain her necessary emotional and physical boundaries without giving her child this clear message of rejection.