Random vent about Things Other People Say

[ColdfeetPinksocks]

I've already decided to try to not get cross when Other People say things like we're brave doing this or my children will be lucky to have us (really? lucky??) or mention their 'real mum' meaning someone other than me. I reckon that trying to edumucate most people on those things will just lead to me being snappish and that whilst they're ignorant of a lot of stuff about adoption they mean well.

But I am so, so, SO bored of hearing about how 'we won't know what's hit us'. Yes, believe it or not we did give it some thought. Quite a lot of thought actually. I'm aware that becoming a parent will alter my lifestyle. GAHHHH!!

(They don't say this to pg people do they? If they do, I'll eat my random venty hat.)

dd's been a bit overwrought all week - birthday and started school, plus new CM, so too much going on all at once. So a bit hard to separate out from that. Tonight she is having a terrible time - I've been up and down stairs every 40 minutes since 7pm - but I think she's sickening for something.

At the time I just said something like, Nonsense, I'm dd's mum for ever and ever. After, I tried to explain to friend. She just didn't get it. I said, look, that thing you threatened has ALREADY HAPPENED TO HER. She knows it as a reality. The last thing she needs is to hear grown-ups saying that it could happen again. Friend then said snappily, "Well, I'm not an expert on adoption, am I?"

No indeed.

I am wondering what I can tell friends before an arrival of a new one to avoid this type of thing happening! I am already mentally preparing a word or two to tell to my church so that people will not be too interested in new little one when I show up with them and we have not even been matched!!!!!!!

Devora, that's dreadful. Sorry. Did she eventually get it?

We should keep this thread alive forever to moan about Other People on.

My current bugbear is after having carefully explained to people why/how adopted kids may not be quite like other kids, people then saying 'but yours will be alright, though, won't they?'

Well, no. Probably not. That's why I'm taking the time and trouble to try and explain this to you. Even if there is nothing else unusual at all about them, they've still already lost 2 sets of parents/carers/homes and are being packed off to live with near strangers!

And then explaining why I'm taking a year off work and not putting DCs straight into nursery. ('My kids were in nursery at that age'. 'Yes, your kids knew who you were by that age.')

OTOH, whilst I was doing the shopping today I threw a couple of toys in the trolley. And then had a lovely conversation with the lady at the checkout who asked about my children. Didn't mention adoption or matching or the fact that I've not bloody met them yet (or that the whole of the rest of my trolley was wine and two steaks ), but just told her how many and how old! Felt like a mum.

IAmColdFeet you ARE a mum! How fab!! Hooray. Please do tell us more when you can, when they come. I need all the advice I can get!

Cake to Maryz, well deserved.

Yes. Cake for Maryz. Huge cake (because she deserves it and says she's going to share...)

Definitely cake for Maryz

Flicking back through some past posts of mine, and remembered this lovely gem -

I was talking to a parent on the playground years ago (picking up DD2), mentionned I had an adult DD1...

"Oh really, I didn't know that? What's her name?"
""
"??!! Oh...um...that's very unusual , how did you come up with that?....all my children have proper names, you know

delightful woman....

Was it Katie Hopkin's Aunty?!

Quite possibly!

On the theme of Devora's comment, I had an adoption SW at an event for adopted children say (more than once) that she was going to take DD home with her... Thankfully DD was too little to be bothered by this, but if she was older... If the adoption professionals can't get it right, what hope is there?!

Maiyakat wow, appaling!

Can I add a couple of new ones?

Oh, you're adopting from X country? Surely children from there don't need adopting (yes, they do, for exactly the same reasons that children from the UK need adopting - I will actually tell friends who are professionals in the field that little boy would have been adopted had he lived in the UK, but I'm not telling you, nosy person!)

Oh, do you have to meet his birth family? (Well, we could have said we'd see them in the future, but go back on our word, but actually, we want to see them, because we want him to know people he's biologically related to)

Oh, why does he need extra X check/treatment from he HV? What's he getting? (Wife of no 1 asked that! I pretended I hadn't heard but it was related to risk factors I'm not telling her about!)

Oh he'll be fine, he was placed at birth, nothing bad has happened to him! (Erm... Yeah. Fortunately his key worker does not say this when I refer to his bad start in life. And a few people I think suspect stuff but are kind enough to assume I'm referring to his slight prematurity)

Oh but surely the birth father must have given his medical information? Don't they HAVE to give that? (From a HCP. I ask you! For a start, does she have no imagination?)

Oh, how could she give him away? (I'm sure she didn't want to, but she actually made a pretty brave decision, given the circumstances and that she knew she couldn't raise him, which she knew would be best for him)

Of course, add away

People are unbelievably nosy

Did you also get the old "but there are loads of children here in the UK, why aren't you adopting them??" chestnut?

Yep!

And we might actually adopt again from the UK, so people don't understand why we didn't in the first place.

When I was going through the adoption process the first time, 1995/1996, 'The Dying Rooms' was shown on TV, and several people immediately told me I had to see it and then asked me why I wasn't adopting one of those poor little baby Chinese girls. I tried to explain that no, I wasn't interested in international adoption, and also - I was already approved for a UK adoption. I was approved for a 3-12 year old, not a baby! I didn't want to adopt a baby. But it fell on deaf ears, they just couldn't understand why I wasn't going to China to scoop up one of those babies.

Guess how many off the people who said "why aren't you adopting one of those poor little darling babies from China", themselves adopted from China? Yes, that's right!

Oh yes everyone assumed we were adopting from China when we first said we were adopting internationally. This was at a point when the wait was about 5 years!

(I've just looked at the Rumor Queen website and people whose dossiers were referred in 2006 are still getting placements. 7 years ago!)

I'll add some MN ones - I've seen several adoption threads (on AIBU/chat etc) where crazy statements get written and then accepted by everyone reading

This one I've seen quite a few times - "It's so difficult to adopt in the UK, people have to go abroad because they are too old/single/middle class/ gay to adopt in the UK".

Gay. Right, let me get this straight, so couples who live in a country with equal rights for gay people, including full equal adoption rights, have to go abroad to adopt, when most 'sending' countries class being gay as a mental health problem, and don't permit any of their own gay citizens any equal rights whatsoever? You really think such countries will permit foreign gay couples to adopt their children? Engage brain for two seconds please. If you are gay, your options are the UK, the US, or no adoption after all. Not hop on a plane to China, helped by the friendly, rainbow flag waving Chinese adoption officials.

Oh and ye olde (I'm making this one up, but you get versions of this a lot) "my cousins neighbours best friend's parents wanted to adopt a child aged 4-5, but they got turned down because they already have two children aged 1 and 3, and the adopted child would need to share a bedroom with both those children because they don't have a spare bedroom, and they only wanted a child with no special needs or additional issues whatsoever, no worrying background factors, no history of abuse or neglect and zero contact with the evil birthparents. And the evil local authority turned them down. How unfair is that?! The poor child they won't be able to adopt is now stuck in care forever"

No point even trying to educate

Yes, Lilka! Things that DIDN'T get in the way of me adopting my baby girl were:

• being gay
• being old (45 when she was born)
• being middle class
• having a history of depression and eating disorders

But most galling of all is your last example, the complete failure of thoughtfulness about what a child might need, as opposed to the sense that nice people have some kind of right to adopt.

Yes, exactly, no one is entitled to adopt, you have to be offering something a waiting child might need.

I did see (for real) on MN, a woman post on a thread, who was disappointed and I guess not a little upset/angry because she and her husband had been turned down to adopt. They wanted an older school age child, and they were turned down because their birth child was 3 I think. People were outraged on her behalf. No one seemed to have any understanding of why the adoption agencies would not do an adoption out of birth order. People were just furious that a nice couple were turned down and this imaginary child in care would miss out on a family.

I couldn't help thinking what an absolute disaster it would have been if I had had a small birth child and then adopted DD1 or DD2!!

Things that didn't (majorly) get in the way of me adopting

• Being single
• Being gay (this was actually a slight issue and one which caused serious concern to at least one of the panel members, but you have to consider this was 1995, so I was probably extremely lucky that most people did think I would be a good parent. Also I guess my being single was a factor)
• Not being wealthy

I hear you guys about the " being gay or single isn't a barrier " thing.

But, with respect, neither of you were not looking for a white newborn baby with guaranteed no issues . You wanted " hard to place children " eg older children, those with SN, mixed heritage, sibling groups

I'm it sure how many gay /lesbian couples or single people have been able to adopt a white healthy newborn , they mostly end up going to the white straight married couples I think

Kristina I am aware of quite a few single foster carers who've adopted a newborn (I've not asked what colour they were) who was initially placed with them for foster care. I'm not aware of ANY healthy, no risk factors newborns placed with AMY families just for adoption - married or otherwise.
Although this has changed, another couple who were approved for adoption from the country we adopted from ended up adopting a relinquished child from the UK (an unusual ethnicity). Relinquishment at 6 weeks, placement at 9 months. That's quicker now, but it's not newborn.

Thats very interesting dr spouse. I'm glad to hear that some of these prejudices are finally breaking down.