Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Original poster

Random vent about Things Other People Say

204 replies

ColdfeetPinksocks · 21/08/2013 15:04

I've already decided to try to not get cross when Other People say things like we're brave doing this or my children will be lucky to have us (really? lucky??) or mention their 'real mum' meaning someone other than me. I reckon that trying to edumucate most people on those things will just lead to me being snappish and that whilst they're ignorant of a lot of stuff about adoption they mean well.

But I am so, so, SO bored of hearing about how 'we won't know what's hit us'. Yes, believe it or not we did give it some thought. Quite a lot of thought actually. I'm aware that becoming a parent will alter my lifestyle. GAHHHH!!

(They don't say this to pg people do they? If they do, I'll eat my random venty hat.)

OP posts:

Devora · 11/09/2013 22:38

Wigeon, don't give yourself a hard time! I look back and cringe at dozens, nay hundreds, of insensitive things I have said before life experience taught me otherwise. (It is of course thousands but I'm not clever enough to have realised them all yet...)

I've also been guilty as a new adoptive parent of over-sharing with people who asked questions, and then realised later how I really should have kept it buttoned.

Learning curve for us all.

Kewcumber · 12/09/2013 09:29

Oh god, the over sharing!!! I felt like I didn't have an off switch at times (some would say I still don't but believe me, I've improved!)

Don't worry too much about it Wigeon, we've all said things we regret in various areas - the fact that you are still friends means that its likely she either doesn't remember you asking or that she's forgiven you... and has probably heard it from many other people who didn't stick around to be friends so you've probably redeemed yourself

Happiestinwellybobs · 12/09/2013 13:15

Glad it is not just me who over-shared! I still cringe and wasn't fully prepared for what people would think it okay to ask.

It was the one piece of advice I gave to a friend who adopted. People ask the most intrusive of questions. I've been asked was DD's mum a drug addict, an alcoholic, was she abused, where has she come from - all in front of her (she was 1).

Even when I've clearly avoided the question, they've pushed for more information.

Then I've had the lovely people like DD's new key worker, who said to me the other day, that she didn't like to ask anything as didn't want to offend. I told her I wouldn't answer anything I didn't want to, and all of her questions were fine :)

lemonruggles · 12/09/2013 21:56

Gosh some of these examples are really thoughtless. I haven't adopted but had my second child via surrogacy after horrific complications post birth with my first child.
On letting my HV know about dc2 arrival she said "that's really great news as you are a fantastic mother so it wonderful that another child will get to experience that".
I know she was just being nice bit it was just a really weird comment I thought.

Inthechelseahotel · 12/09/2013 23:17

Thought was a nice comment lemon

After visiting my dad with ds aged 4 dad said "my goodness he has landed on his feet, that one!" How come he didn't say that when older ds was born!

Kewcumber · 13/09/2013 11:30

I wrote a blog whilst going through the adoption of DS and an MN and RL friend of mine made a comment that I'll never forget I thought it was so nice:

"Y'know we've been saying on Mumsnet how lucky Daniel is to have you adopting him, but now that I've met him, I think you may be the lucky one after all".

Amen!

aboyandagirl · 13/09/2013 14:20

My best moment was out for my birthday dinner and my best friend - I'll say it again - my best friend said 'I don't think a child could ever love anyone as much as they love their birth mother'.... Then a bit later her OH said ' I say this with love H, but will your children be mentally handicapped' I wish I had walked out of the restaurant but I was too polite. 4 years and 2 adopted kids later, I tend to brook no such shit.

Inthebeginning · 13/09/2013 19:23

aboy that's horrific! Is she still your friend? My grandma keeps going on about when we adopt a child it'll be "damaged" I'm going to have to talk to her!

MoJangled · 14/09/2013 22:42

MIL, on hearing we were having fertility problems and doing IVF: 'who's fault is it?'

We haven't told her we're embarking on adoption yet; I'm going to play Crap Comment Bingo with my favourites from this thread and treat myself to a pedi when she's got them all

namechangesforthehardstuff · 14/09/2013 23:33

Oh Mojangled that's brilliant. I have a similar MIL and am half dreading telling her about this and half looking forward to seeing how she manages to make the worst most crass comment ever.

Can I PLEASE use your idea?

MoJangled · 15/09/2013 18:27

Namechanges I'll race ya. First one to get 'they'll be damaged' 'I know someone who adopted and the child burned down the house' ( or similar ) and 'real mum' wins a bottle of wine in a bubble bath with a box of chocolates.

My MIL - who is actually heart of gold - specialises in the stage whisper (as in, to me while overweight soon to be BIL was on the other side of room, 'He's promised to lose weight before the wedding'. So I'm standing by for 'she must get that from her real mum' in piercing hiss at any demo of poor behaviour. I think I should get a bonus cream tea for that one. What bonus do you claim?

Italiangreyhound · 15/09/2013 18:30

lemon that was a really lovely comment from your health visitor.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 15/09/2013 19:32

I want a slice of nutella and banana layer cake from our local bakery for 'Are you infertile?' and a half day at a spa for 'Is her real mum a druggie?'

I used to work with vulnerable teens and she always refered to them as 'the little shits' so I should imagine she'll be rolling out the same brand of high quality empathy and support. Although given the way DH feels we might not let her know till after placement anyway

Good to know I'm not alone

KristinaM · 16/09/2013 22:31

Ha ! I have already been asked " was her real mum a prostitute?" . Not by MIL, but by a HCP

MILs best was " of course you don't know what it is to love a child until you've given birth to one " . While I was sitting bleeding aftre a miscarriage, with adopted toddler beside me .

I claim the slice of cake AND a back massage

Vijac · 16/09/2013 22:59

I don't see the problem with some of the comments, especially the lucky one. They are just trying to compliment you. I am adopted and consider myself lucky to have such a great family. Why is it offensive? Would you rather people just said nothing or 'right, well enjoy' or what?

Kewcumber · 16/09/2013 23:12

Because birth children are rarely expected to feel lucky by random strangers.

If ds choses to feel lucky to have me as his parent one day then I'll be thrilled but I won't put up with someone questioning his adoption and telling him to feel lucky that I took him on (is the usual phrase).

I imagine it's particularly insensitive when the child in question can remember just how terribly unlucky they have been so far!

It's a matter of expectations foisted upon a child - "you're lucky she took you" is not an appropriate thing to say to a 7 year old child. Can't people really think of something more appropriate to say - in fact why would you feel the need to discuss their adoption with a child anyway

WeAreSeven · 16/09/2013 23:22

I tell the ds's how lucky they are that I gave birth to them all the time. They just look at me like this

Lilka · 16/09/2013 23:37

I agree with Kew 100%

I feel lucky to have all my kids. My DD1 has expressed on several occasions that she feels lucky that I'm her mum and not someone else. You can imagine how wonderful that felt!

BUT I won't put up with anyone telling my children or even implying to them that they are lucky I adopted them. The expectation on them to be grateful for something they have no control over, but ESPECIALLY the implication that they are unwanted rubbish and they can't expect anyone to want them as a child, is very upsetting to me. "You're lucky she took you in", I mean the only message I can sense in that, and the only message most kids will get from that is "Kids like you are not entitled to a home and love, so you should be thanking her on bended knee for doing you such a big favour that you don't deserve"

FWIW, my adult DD1 can't stand being told she is lucky that I adopted her, even though she actually does feels lucky that I was chosen as her mother. She senses the same judgement towards her that I do.

I'm not talking saying "you're lucky your mum lets you do xyz", or even "I think you're lucky to have a mum who is so xyz because my mum isn't" but "you're lucky she took you in"

Lets add to that "you're lucky to be adopted"

No. Just no. Needing to be adopted is not my definition of lucky. (My adult adoptee daughter feels the same way again). That statement completely disregards everything she went through that necessitated adoption in the first place. It also disregards all the losses that adoption has brought into her life, including but not limited to being legally completely seperated from her siblings whom she loves with all her heart and lived with for years. It's one of the most ill thought out statements possible

If you have to say anything to my kids, say "I think your mum is really lucky to have you as her child" That's a positive, self affirming message. It's also far more truthful. Funny how NO ONE who says "you're lucky she took you in" would ever think to say what i just suggested. It's very telling, actually

Vijac · 16/09/2013 23:49

Interesting, yes 'you're lucky she took you in' (unsaid, you little shit), is horrible. I didn't even think of that tbh, I just thought of - op 'I am adopting a little girl', op's friend 'she will be very lucky to have such lovely parents'. I think that is fine, and indeed nice and I assumed that is what the original poster meant.

WeAreSeven · 16/09/2013 23:56

I suppose it would be worse if someone said "God, they're so unlucky to have landed you as parents" I think ds1's teachers thought that about me

Devora · 17/09/2013 00:19

Sheesh, Kristina, that is truly awful

namechangesforthehardstuff · 17/09/2013 16:37

and [back massage] for Kristina

Devora · 21/09/2013 23:23

Can I make a late return for another vent? Just today, old friend - good heart, but no empathy whatsoever - came to see us, and within 3 minutes said jokingly to my dd2 (just turned 4): "Haven't you got a mean mummy? Shall we take you away from her and find you another one?"

This is the friend who said to me, when I had a bad 20 week scan with dd1 and was told I was at high risk of serious genetic abnormalities: "Oh well, at your age there was always going to be something, wasn't there?"

As I said, no empathy What So Ever.

Lilka · 22/09/2013 00:32

that's awful

if she'd said that to my son at that age, he'd have had a complete meltdown

is your dd okay?

Italiangreyhound · 22/09/2013 00:37

Devora Oh no how stupid!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Swipe left for the next trending thread