Random vent about Things Other People Say

[ColdfeetPinksocks]

I've already decided to try to not get cross when Other People say things like we're brave doing this or my children will be lucky to have us (really? lucky??) or mention their 'real mum' meaning someone other than me. I reckon that trying to edumucate most people on those things will just lead to me being snappish and that whilst they're ignorant of a lot of stuff about adoption they mean well.

But I am so, so, SO bored of hearing about how 'we won't know what's hit us'. Yes, believe it or not we did give it some thought. Quite a lot of thought actually. I'm aware that becoming a parent will alter my lifestyle. GAHHHH!!

(They don't say this to pg people do they? If they do, I'll eat my random venty hat.)

@Kew

I've just had a thought though... we are constantly reminding DS2 how lucky he is - in comparison to us when we were his age. Stuff along the lines of, 'I only ever went camping (me), to Butlins on church camp (DH)'... do you realise how lucky you are to have nice holidays like this/someone to take you to all your training/matches AND stand and support you... my mother let me cycle in the rain by myself/ nice clothes... my parents used to buy mine from jumble sales at school and everyone would know where they'd come from...' Monty Python, Four Yorkshiremen',type thing.

I hope he's never thought that we mean because he was placed with us... I often forget we adopted him, he's been here since the day he was born.

He usually laughs at our old fogeyness, so I'm guessing he doesn't think that, but I must be careful.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of TELLING an adopted child they were lucky. I do see what you mean. Sorry for being crass - I didn't mean it the way it came out.

flossy "what? you're going to tell him he's adopted? Awwww, that's not very nice"

^^Yes.
Me (in my head): "No, we thought we'd save it for his 18th birthday party". Also, uhm, he remembers?

kew beautifully articulated. Thx.

Hey, I'm going to trump the lot of you. I've been pregnant and I've adopted, but for sheer brass-necked shameless voyeuristic cheeky questions, you try being a pregnant lesbian. People want to know EVERYTHING.

Oh. You totally win.

Devora you win but bloody good luck to you and yours,

Ha ha devora! When we were having fertility treatment we were asked all kind of questions by our friends. They had all kind of tips about sexual positions etc that they would always finish with "....that's what we did" I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

I also think that some people just love being smug, whatever / however you have made your family. My personal favourite is when you mention your child is walking / potty trained / starting school / going to a university (insert milestone) and they say, "Oh, you think this stage is hard, just you wait until......(insert the age of their own child).

Mine are now teens. So much easier than babies but to hear people talk, you would think their life was over at practically every stage.

I think people just like sounding superior and experienced.

Ha

Oh Devora... if only you were black too

Other half is, though, so that must count for something. GLC grant's in the post [cultural reference lost on anyone under 40].

Devora you restore my faith in humanity

It never ceases to amaze me how people think its an open opportunity to talk about your sex life...

I have a birth and adopted child and gave had all sorts if questions..,

'Ahhh can you not have kids'
'Have you tried IVF'

Not to mention the dumb ass questions and comments when I was expecting..

Why is it that childbirth or adoption brings out the best and worst in people..

One of the best () comments I had when I told a friend I was adopting was 'are you going to get one that's house trained'

flipping WTAF

'Oh didn't you realise, I'm adopting a child not a dog'

Years ago, a playground mum who saw DD2 having a bad day asked me why I hadn't adopted a lovely little baby girl from China instead. But I expected nothing less from her, she was/is not a nice person full stop. I pity her children

2old, you being sarcastic?!

Actually, while pg with 1st, that's pretty much all I heard - 'Life's about to change for you, you won't know what's hit you'.
I got so bloody fed up with hearing it!
There's no real comeback, either. 'Thanks, I know' doesn't really cut it.
Grr. It still winds me up 4 years later!

Good luck!

oops should have read the rest of the thread first, I see you ate your hat some time ago.

I've heard the 'they're so lucky' and the comments about having a child of our own (that grates after a while) but the one that really infuriates me is 'you'll never love them as you would your own' ...that just about sends me nuclear.

@smile, ate my hat and changed my name. :)

@andro, really? They really say that? I'm going to have to practice contained nuclear apparently.

When people first found out I was adopting I had several people ask "where is your little one from?". I would reply "erm, England". They wold then go on to ask "yes, but whereabouts in England". I really didn't (and still don't) understand why they wanted to know? A number of people were shocked I wasn't adopting an African or Chinese child.

Also had the "I admire you, I couldn't bring up someone else's children". :o!

Also had lots of "do you get to choose or do they just give you one". I often told them there was a lovely catalogue from which we could choose. "really?!" they would ask. "no, not really" I would reply!

Just before little one arrived I had people asking "when do you get him then". Very calmly I would tell them "we have been told it could be any time between 9-6' but they'll call us on the day and let us know if it will be morning or afternoon". Again this would be met with wide eyes and "really?"!

Indeed - but don't you want to have your 'own' - errr, they are my own daughters... even more bizarre because my girls have become a huge part of my life before they came to live with me (for various reasons)...

I can understand why people who've adopted might get frustrated with daft questions, but at the same time there's a lot of people who haven't gone through the process and have absolutely no idea what it involves. I think it'd be much nicer to actually give helpful and reasonable responses to their (genuine) questions to help people understand a bit more.

Genuine questions are fine, assumptions that my family is somehow second best aren't!

I am very happy to respond to genuine interest in my children, just like any other mum when someone shows interest in her children.

But interest in their specific adoption and the soap opera aspects of their previous family is very different from interest about adoption in general.

Absolutely yokoloshe . Do people really imply you're family is second best? That's really shocking to me!

I always give a helpful and reasonable response to reasonable questions (on any topic not just adoption)

People asking my 7 year old what he would say to his real parents if he met them haven't earned the right to a reasonable reply IMO. And even them we just try to smile and nod and leave which frankly is more than they deserve.

I have taught DS "people are often interested in adoption because its unusual to them, and that OK. Its OK to be curious about things you don't understand - but just because they are curious doesn;t mean you are obliged to share with them".

DS has two practiced responses:

"my mum says I don't have to talk about that if I don't want to" (kindly supplied by a parent on MN)
Or my own:
" that's private - if you want to tell me something private about you then we'll discuss something private about me"

Would any normal parent walk up to a 7/8 yr old they barely knew and say "Do you still wet the bed at night? Why do you do that - how unusual and fascinating. Tell me more about how that makes you feel."