Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Random vent about Things Other People Say

204 replies

ColdfeetPinksocks · 21/08/2013 15:04

I've already decided to try to not get cross when Other People say things like we're brave doing this or my children will be lucky to have us (really? lucky??) or mention their 'real mum' meaning someone other than me. I reckon that trying to edumucate most people on those things will just lead to me being snappish and that whilst they're ignorant of a lot of stuff about adoption they mean well.

But I am so, so, SO bored of hearing about how 'we won't know what's hit us'. Yes, believe it or not we did give it some thought. Quite a lot of thought actually. I'm aware that becoming a parent will alter my lifestyle. GAHHHH!!

(They don't say this to pg people do they? If they do, I'll eat my random venty hat.)

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 08/09/2013 13:49

I have only had "I couldn't feel the same way about a child I hadn't given birth to" on MN...

"how sad - but yes I can see that might be true in your case" or what I actually said
"your lack of imagination doesnt actually influence how I feel about my children thankfully"

In fact I don't get particularly stressed about what other people think about the possible bond between adoptive parent and child. What they think doesn;t change how I feel and you can never explain it to someone who doesn;t get it.

In real life I have had (quite regularly) - "oh its so much easy adopting" - I don't bother arguing anymore - back to Smile and nod and sometimes "Yes it was a breeze". Passive aggressive generally works much better IME!

2old2beamum · 09/09/2013 18:24

Devora no my remark was genuine I love your honesty and I don't do sarcasm I am crap at it!

TallulahBetty · 09/09/2013 18:37

So (forgive ignorance) but what is the correct term instead of "real mum"?

I have a new friend who is adopted and would hate to put my foot in it.

Kewcumber · 09/09/2013 18:41

the correct term is "mum"

TallulahBetty · 09/09/2013 18:43

Yes her mum is who has brought her up. I mean her biological mum who gave birth to her, someone upthread said "real mum" isn't correct (which i understand why) but what is?

2old2beamum · 09/09/2013 18:53

In this family we are mum and dad and they have birth mum and dad,
might not suit all families but all mine have SN and it suits them

mouseymummy · 09/09/2013 18:59

This thread has been enlightening, I've never realised people can be so ignorant. Well, actually, I did, I just thought most had more tact... Obviously not!!

A friend of a friend is currently going through the adoption process (i think she's just been matched but its not certain yet) and I've asked her loads of questions as I never realised its so complex... Don't ask me how I thought the process worked, it just never occurred to me.

I'm very glad that she is the sort of person who would say if I asked something insensetive and I wouldn't dream of asking her 99% of what you have been asked previously!!

Can I ask something here though, I have heard that sometimes, as an adopter, you are 'allowed' to request to meet the birth mum (if that's the right terminology, if not, I apologise). Did anyone do that and find it helpful. The reason I ask is my friend is in two minds about it and is unsure if it will help the process or prolong it.

Kewcumber · 09/09/2013 19:00

you need to ask her if she's a good enough friend and if she's not then I don't see there's any need to know what she calls her birth mother.

My DS calls his birth mother by her real name but will also call her birth mother with others but very, very rarely will he raise the subject. He would be very confused if anyone refered to her as any kind of "mum" because he doesn't remember her at all. Other children who were adopted older may well be comfortable with calling them mum/dad or some other name.

Birth mother/father is an acceptable term but I'd avoid talking about it unless its raised by her and then it'll be obvious what she calls them/her.

TallulahBetty · 09/09/2013 19:08

Thanks, I think i have explained wrong. I am.not planning on prying into what she calls certain.people. I only wondered how to refer to her for example she mentions a sister that her "birth mum" has had since,.so it's not that she doesn't.want to mention that side of things.

TallulahBetty · 09/09/2013 19:08

Sorry for random punctuation, typing on phone one handed Confused

Kewcumber · 09/09/2013 19:11

sorry I think I am confused - if your friend has raised the issue herself then use whatever term she's used.

TallulahBetty · 09/09/2013 19:17

Haha she has but I haven't really taken much notice of the exact term she used. When I saw this thread I realised that certain terms are wrong so thought I'd.ask what is the accepted term, that's all.

TallulahBetty · 09/09/2013 19:17

How many times can I say term.in one sentence?!

Kewcumber · 09/09/2013 19:38

Three apparently Grin

You probably won;t go far wrong with "birth mother" probably

Kewcumber · 09/09/2013 19:38

how many times can I say probably Hmm

TallulahBetty · 09/09/2013 19:41

Thank you Kew Smile

stephrick · 09/09/2013 19:44

My kids say LOL alot. I've tried my JIC "just in case", can mumsnetters please start this in the vacob, I told them that this will catch on

Devora · 09/09/2013 22:30

mouseymummy, I was offered the opportunity to meet my daughter's first mum and said yes. I knew it would be difficult but could see such huge benefits from doing so.

Sadly, she didn't turn up to two planned meetings, and as I was a long way from home I couldn't make another appointment. I fully understand why she may not have felt able to come, but I am still sad that she didn't.

mouseymummy · 11/09/2013 13:40

Thank you for your reply devora, I shall pass that over when I see my friend next week.

I wonder if its quite common to have the birth mum/first mum not turn up. I can imagine how hard it must be on both sides.

Devora · 11/09/2013 20:22

Yup, I would not be surprised if it happened a lot. It must be painful beyond imagining Sad

KristinaM · 11/09/2013 21:00

I would strongly recommend meeting the birth mother ( or other birth family member) if you have the opportunity. The " worse" your child's background is, the more important it is IMHO

I don't know anyone who has done this who has regretted it, although of course it is very hard .

As Devora says, many don't turn up, so you need to be prepared for this.

Wigeon · 11/09/2013 21:29

A school gate acquaintance adopted a four year old girl about a year ago. When she mentioned it in conversation I said something which in retrospect was hugely inappropriate, basically asking about the little girl's background/ how she came to be adopted - just making casual conversation. I think I had a romantic notion that adopted children came from single teenage mothers who were basically good people but who decided to adopt. Or something. The acquaintance was clearly pretty shocked I asked and there was an awkward silence and she changed the subject without answering.

Having read more about adoption since, I am still deeply mortified that I even thought of asking. It was entirely due to the fact that I knew nothing about adoption really. I don't think many people do. That doesn't excuse the insensitive comments, but I think it might help explain some of them. And I am trying to be much more sensitive / thoughtful now.

Incidentally, her DD just started Reception and was Star of the Week in her first week for good behaviour and good colouring in! Grin Her mum (who thank goodness still speaks to me) said that her DD had never been given a pencil / crayon before she came to live with her. How fantastic is her Star of the Week award? Smile

Italiangreyhound · 11/09/2013 22:16

Wigeon it's so good you learnt from your comment. I had years of infertility and got a lot of comments like 'relax' and it will happen naturally! Which made me feel very unrelaxed! I am sure I also have made very inappropraote comments and asked silly questions to people and said things which are not suitable in the face of all manner of situations. It is great you are friends with this lady still and that her child got such a good accolade having come from a more challenged begining.

I am preparing myself for all kinds of questions, I think forewarned is defintely forearmed.

Italiangreyhound · 11/09/2013 22:16

Wigeon it's so good you learnt from your comment. I had years of infertility and got a lot of comments like 'relax' and it will happen naturally! Which made me feel very unrelaxed! I am sure I also have made very inappropraote comments and asked silly questions to people and said things which are not suitable in the face of all manner of situations. It is great you are friends with this lady still and that her child got such a good accolade having come from a more challenged begining.

I am preparing myself for all kinds of questions, I think forewarned is defintely forearmed.

Italiangreyhound · 11/09/2013 22:16

Wigeon it's so good you learnt from your comment. I had years of infertility and got a lot of comments like 'relax' and it will happen naturally! Which made me feel very unrelaxed! I am sure I also have made very inappropraote comments and asked silly questions to people and said things which are not suitable in the face of all manner of situations. It is great you are friends with this lady still and that her child got such a good accolade having come from a more challenged begining.

I am preparing myself for all kinds of questions, I think forewarned is defintely forearmed.

Swipe left for the next trending thread