Adoption Tearoom - open for business

[MediumPretty]

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself . Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

Hi not been on here before and not too sure what Im doing, hope this works!

Regards to CTF with our ds, I had to ring somewhere that holds all the info. I had to provide proof we had adopted him then they told us where his had been invested etc. We then contacted them and got it all changed to our surname and address. This was 5 yrs ago so Im sorry its not much help, I cant remember who we rang!

hi flo and welcome

Hi flostar, nice to have you onboard

Kristina, thanks so much for your very kind message. Am about to reply...

Well still no news from judge

Meant dd2 had to go for contact today but it actually went ok considering a different sw (she has met her before) had to take her as bm verbally abused the usual one at traffic lights during the week and she didn't want to risk dd2 witnessing anything at contact.

Ruling should be in by 8th sept but hope it comes sooner

sorry to hear that purplepilow, its a stressful time

how are your kids settling at nursery / school?

They are loving being back at school and nursery

Dd1 has 2 teachers this year and the main one is the "cool teacher of the school" and had them all in stitches all day, makes a change from the teacher she had last year

Oh so shes still in p7? I thought she was in high school now. My 11yo has just started s1. So far she loves it. Inam a nervous wreck. She has gone from local village school where we knew nearly everyone to enormous high school. She i s v young emotionally and also feb baby.i keep waitimg for adolescence + adoption issues to hit all at once [cowers behind sofa]

Hope sheriff gets a move on. Do you still have to go back to Panel?

She missed going into the year above by a month so still at primary It's quite a big school (around 400 pupils) so academy shouldn't be too bad next year

I am really lucky though as dd1 is quite mature and a real mother hen and dd2 idolises her already

There are a few meeting that were arranged but have been put back until the decision has came through, childrens hearing for contact and lac review, but they will be cancelled as long as sherrif decides the right way.

It's been so long I'm going to have to re-stock the cupboards and fridge..anyone care to join me for cake and tea? :)

PurplePillow - is the ruling in now? I hope it was good news for you all

Things are pretty good here. We are back to school now. DS is enjoying himself although he has become very clingy again. DD2 has settled back into a routine, although she has started refusing to go to bed every single night, which is getting very stressful now. Even worse, her new favourite song is 'Whip my hair' and we are being subjected to it on repeat for up to an hour at a time........

Saw this in the paper yesterday. Anyone surprised...no?....didn't think so :( Well, other than being suprised that the Daily Mail would print it, considering how anti adoption they usually are. I suppose directing hate at judges is almost as good a goal as directing hate at SW's mind.

Hope everyone is doing well :)

Hi Lilka, I've been waiting for this thread to revive... (why didn't I revive it myself, I'm now wondering).

Well, our big news is that the final adoption order is through. About bleedin time! We're very very happy. dd2 is now talking pretty well, with lots of "I love oo Mummy".

I've realised I need to get cracking on with life story work - not so much for dd2 (though it's time for that) but urgently for dd1, who has started saying things like, "dd2's real mummy must miss her very much - do you think she'll take her back?" Eek - of course we have to explain to her, and script her for what she will be saying to dd2 in the future...

Lilka, that report was really really depressing. I hope it was read by some of the posters who regularly pop up suggesting that children are being taken into care for ingesting Fruit Loops...

Congratulations hester Officially mummy, very exciting indeed!

Hi Lilka, we still don't have our ruling

It's been 5 weeks (35 days) now and am starting to think it's not going to go our way, stupid I know, although my link worker keeps saying "why would we move dd2 when she is flourishing so much with you?" but it's so very hard

Fingers crossed we get a ruling soon

I'm so sorry PP :( I will keep you in my thoughts and hope the ruling comes quickly

Hi Lilka,

I finally got the ruling through today at 4:20 pm

Lawyer was reading me the email as she read it and the adoption has been aproved and no more contact :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O

Dd1 and I cried and dd2 has since said when she's so happy she doesn't have to go to contact anymore [shocked] but :O

Thank you all for the hand holding and all your positive thought

I love you guys :O

That was supposed to be a whole lot of 's

Oh PP that's wonderful! So very happy for you

Fantastic news

Thanks hester and kristinsm

heading to bed as not slept very well for the last 5 weeks but dog tired now probably just the relief setting in

Congtatulation

congratulations hester and PP!

I'm back for more support this may be a bit long

Next episode is that one side of sw are saying there needs to be a final contact so dd2 can say her goodbyes to birth parents and the other side saying under no circumstance is contact to go ahead and another part saying that it has to happen

They have also said that if it does happen rather than just 1 sw being there, there will be a few of them but also there will be a police presence either in the building or just outside.

I have spoken to my lawyer and she has said that as her legal mummy and as the sheriff said in his ruling that there was to be no contact, I have the final say.

Has anyone ever been in this sort of circumstance before?

If you have an adoption order, you are the legal parent. The sherrifff presumably didnt order contact, rather than saying there is to be no contcat. Basically she/he is leaving it up to you. Its v unusual for adoption orders in scotland to make contcat mandatory.

So its entirely up to you. You must do what you feel is in DDs interets. What your dds ex sw and her birth familys sw want is not your resonsibiity. They might have given undertakings that they should not. Thats their problem.

Do you feel that Dd needs to Have direct contcat at this point? Presumably her birth family are not disappearing off the face of the earth, if she wants to see them later or have some sort of letterbox contact its perfectly possible ( as lomg as they agree).

Hiya kristinaM,
I'm not sure of the actual wording as I am still waiting for it to be posted to me, Lawyer read ruling to me over the phone from an email late on thursday and was waiting for the actual ruling to be delivered to her, it is on route to me now.

To be honest contact has never been in dd2 best interest as bm is very unpredictable and unfortunately dd2 has learned to read her body language and goes really quiet when bm in not in a good mood

since we have been at court she has verbally abused the sw who normally supervises contact on two occassions so another sw supervised the last contact. with her being so volatile over little things I am just so worried for dd2 especially when they are talking about police needing to be near by

I suppose what I really want to know if there is anyone who has been through something similar and did they manage to stop the contact without being pressured into it by sw?

Yes of course, lots of adoptive parenst have different views about contact from the Sw dept. The SW for Dds birth mother is there to advocate fpr her client. She might also be interetsd inmaking her own life easier or delivering on a promise she made " yes of course you will be able to see her to " say goodbye"" etc etc. Your DD isnt her client

SHE is not the one who has to deal with the effects on Dd, long amd short term

Its easier to say no to the SWDept of you are notplanning to adopt again.if you are, you might need to compromise and let thme have their own way.they really REALY dont like clients who have a mind of their own.

Remember that the worst sin to a SW is not abusing or neglecting your child. Its disagreeing with " professional opinion" . This only means Sw BTW, teachers, lawyers, psychologists or doctors dont count, as tney are too " aligned with the client". So mo point in using them to back up yournposition

So choose which Sw you agree with and tell everyone you are following the advice of that person