Adoption Tearoom - open for business

[MediumPretty]

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself . Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

I've no advice or experience to share, PP, I just didn't want to read and not comment. Firstly, congratulations on the adoption being completed, you must be so relieved.

Kristina's advice above makes a whole lot of sense to me. It sounds like you feel you're being pulled in every direction by all the different social workers. You need to be very clear about which of them is advocating for your dd and listen only to that person. Other people's agendas are not your problem. What do YOU think is best for your dd? Nobody cares about her more than you, understands her feelings more than you, so you know best what's right in the situation.

Just a wee update

spoke to my link worker today and explained I was not happy sending dd2 to contact that is taking place in a different venue than what she is used to, with sw's she doesn't know and also with a police presence (wouldn't let dd1 do it either) and he agreed with me

He spoke to collegues and contact is off

Turns out that m and d have had altercations since the ruling has came through, he did add that we could do it in the future and I said no, tbh I can't see how that situation is going to change

Just have to wait now and see if they try n pressure me at the post adoption meeting

Thanks for all your advice

thats a result purple, well doen for sticking to your guns

if they do try to pressurise you, you can just say that you will keep the situation under review and if you feel DDs needs woudl be best met by contact at soem time in teh future then you will of course consider it

you are not closing the door to contact forever, just saying that its not in her interest at this time

that doesnt commit you to anything

Sorry for not replying sooner my internet wouldn't work last night

Thanks KristinaM more brilliant advice which I will use and I have also got my lawyer on speed dial She doesn't mince her words

Just tentatively loitering by the cakes, smiling and trying to look friendly

Interested in adoption but not quite ready to start the journey yet as our house is too small and DD has only just turned 2. But hoping that a house move and some more investigation on adoption; this might be something we feel able to do in the future.

Do help yourself to a cake. Pul up a chair and let me pour you a coffee. More purple people always welcome

Hi everyone, im in need of soem handholding.

Dds partner has just come to see Dh and i and basically asked our permission to propose to DD!

I cant tell you how mnay issues i have with this. As i feminist i cant handle all this asking permission rubbish. Dd is not our property.

I thinnk she is too young, only 25. They have only been together two years. More importnatly, this is Dds first relationship. I dontbmean first serious relationship or first person she has lived with. I mean first EVER.

Most of the discussion was all about the wedding. I domt care about the wedding, they shoudp do whatever they want. Its their day. I am worried anut their relationship and dds future.

All thsi talk about Dh givimg her away makes me cringe..... I know this is about me and my vakues and nit abut her ut it freaks me out

Please help me deal with this. Its a big secret so i cant tell amyone in rl

Hi PurpleCrazyHorse, do stay, we're very nice over here

Kristina! Oh dear lord.

Reading your post I was taken back to when I was 16, announcing my engagement to my poor feminist mother, who just visibly gulped. Difference was, I was only 16 and we didn't have a penny and I couldn't really put the plan into practice. (Also, the fiance was a git and even I knew that, deep down.)

Gut level: how serious do you think this is? Is it possible she just wants to get engaged to assert her adult identity? (That was definitely my motivation.) Or are they really intending for it to happen in the not too distant future?

What do you think of the partner? Would it be a disaster?

Her partner is a lovely girl. They seem very well matched and seem to have a good and stabel relationship. If they had known each other longer, were older and had more experince then i think we would be happeir.

Their reltionship seems very patriarchial . All this proposing, asking for our persmimssion etc. Her dp wants her to give up work and be a housewife. Have kids and dogs, live in the country. This is how i live ( wel kind of, i also run a busineess) its the opposite of what DD used to want.

Oh im confused. Can u tell?

This is serious. Her dp has chosen a venue and has a date in mind. They bought a flat together a year ago, theybjoth have good jobs. Her DP works in finnace and is very Sensible about money. Thats one of the many ways i can see she has bee a good influence on DD. She has also encouraged her to travel. Befroe they met Dd had only been on holiday with famiily!!!

Imm not sure whats going on with dp and her famiily. She only came out tp her father a few months ago, although she says her mother has known for a while. ( dont unferstand myslef how one could know but not the other)

Dp hasnt told her family anythijg about these plans.

Not sure if its about proving soemting or not. Adult or sexual identity?

I relaise this probably seems over reacting toa woman who got engaged at 16

I would cringe at the permission thing too! how weird and partriarchal - but OTOH 25 is not young really is it? and together 2 years is a pretty stable relationship - particularly as you think the dp has been a good influence on her. Do you think on some level you might have been hoping that being a lesbian was just a 'phase' - and this has made you confront the reality?

I would also cringe a bit about 'permission'! DD and SIL were married when she was 22 and he 24. They are 25 and 27 now. She was fine by that age, and they do make a wonderful couple - I feel so blessed she has managed to have such a happy marriage. They have been together since she was 18, and have a great relationship

Beforehand, it was DD who came to talk to me, not SIL. It wasn't a surrpise engagement or anything

Will be back soon, dinner calls

If it's the opposite of what your DD used to want, maybe you could covertly gage her current opinion? When you next speak to her, ask how she's liking work, send some feelers out about that and about whether it would be nice to have kids etc?? Without being too obvious hopefully

Dealing with her family might be quite hard for her atm, hope that works out. My parents came to terms with it quite quickly, as did my siblings, it was the wider family who gave me trouble. I just restricted my contact with them, and had to cut all contact with one person. Much harder when it's your parents. How have they taken the news? Are they bothered by her sexuality? It might be very difficult to choose what to share and when if she's afraid of losing part of her relationship with them

I don't think it's a problem its your DD's first relationship - DD1 has never had a relationship with anyone else, and still has problems relating to men owing to her past experiences. 2 years isn't a huge amount of time, but plenty of people get engaged after that long, and it works out just fine. I think you have to trust them to know when they are ready to get engaged and married (marriage or civil patnership? I'm so happy DC wants to legalise marriage here. Just don't see why he needs to waste time on conculting the church first aaargh)

Ah, it's a girlfriend. Forgive me making assumptions

OK, my instinct is that you are dead in the water if you try to stand in the way of the marriage. But I do think you could air your views on the wisdom of your dd giving up her financial independence. It sounds like the two of them are a bit in love with the idea of being a 'proper married couple', but maybe you could talk to both of them - as a feminist, rather than a mother - about how important it is for women sustaining their careers and earning potential.

Thamks everyone for your thoughts

We havet tried to stand in the way at all, we told dp that we were very happy for them.we figured that it was going to happen anyway with or without our blessimg so we mihgt as well give it

Its only dh who knows of my resevrations. I think its worse when it goes around in your head and your cant talk to anyone to get soem perspective.

You are right of course, 25 isnt that young. And they are talking about getting married in 2 years so she will be 27.

Catsrus -you are right, her dp defo has been a good influence on her.she is v clued up about money, she is the one who pushed to buy the flat rather than waste money on rent. And she had saved up for teh deposit while dd had no savings ( they both have gpod jobs). Dp is also much better with the younger kids than DD, who lies on the sofa saying how tiirng they are. While dp plays football with them in the garden ( they live at the other end of the counrty so only vitist a few times a year)

I dont think we are in denial aout dd being gay, we have suspected since she was about 15-16 and known for sure since she was about 18 so i think we are pretty used to it now. We have other close family members whp have been happily married for years so are a great role model for dd ( sorry i mean they are a same sex couple too)

I think im worried about 3things

That dp is using this as a way of getimg her family to accept that she is serious aout her sexuality and her relationship

That there seems to be a very unequal balance of power in their relationship. Somehow this is disguised by their both being female.

That dd is signimg up for a lifestyle that a few years ago she said was the last thing she wanted.

And i guess that they wiill Have to work out these thijgs for themselves. I will try to do the " smile and nod" thing. And not roll my eyes when dp asks if my Dh will " give dd away"

Soon i will be on the style and beauty pages askimg for mother of one of the brides fashion tips

Kristina, I am about to PM you.

Thanks hester

you don't really want advice, do you. BEcause you know perfectly well that there is sod all you can do whatever your misgivings and although 25 might sound young to you, I was a manager for a big six accountantcy firm (just about) by then and would have been really cross if my mum had suggested I was too young to do anything I wanted.

Of course now I know better and realise 25 is practically a teenager!

Do you not think that the whole very traditional askig for her hand giving her away etc is just a reaction to the fact that they now can? For so many years gay & lesbian people were denied the right to "marry", don;t you think its OK for them to have the same ridiculous bridezilla'y notions as many of us had at 25?

Had I married then no doubt I would have gone for the whole 9 yds - fluffy frock, being "given way", soup as a starter, almond favours... etc though at my advance age it strikes fear into my heart!

I think you do need to focus on the "giving up your job and being dependent on anyone is a big move" as everything else is (IMO not really on to stick your oar in however much it grates). Future financial instability is fair game for a parent to express a view about, walking down the aisle on the arm of her father probably not so much!

but pmsl at hesters assumption

100 lines for you Hester - "I must not make stereotypical assumptions"

I HAVE been doing the smile and nod bit about the weddimg plans. The weddimg /civil partmership bit is just a day. Im more concrned about the marriage /relationship and dds future happiness

Although i suppose im wonderimg why its dh who has to give his daughter away rather than Dps father giving her away? Just shows you how much nonsense it all is really.....

Anyway, as soon as they annouce they are having a traditional wedding, all the small dcs will be lining up to audition for bridesmaid /page boy parts. Plus dps nieces and nephews

Btw you do relaise that all this discussion about wedding plans is with Dds gf? We are not allowwd to discuss it with dd, its all a secret. Dp is planning it all herself. So ive nt had a channce to have a tanrum and shout

" over my dead body will yiu be allowed to marry at 27"

Come to think of it, dp is an accountant. Maybe that explains a lot.......

Re the " bridezilla notions we all had at 25"

Thats a good point. I think i struggle with all of that because i NEVER had any of these ideas at all. I was a Feminsit even in my 20s and was determined that i would never marry. Took me years to relent on that one

Thats why i find the rather bossy and controllimg dp a bit hard to take. Although she is charming. If it was a bf everyone would agree he was abit much. But because she a woman its invisible. Like female against male DV or parenst who are abused by their teenaged or adult children. ( not saying that being bossy is the same as dv BTW)

oh I was a feminist when I was about 7 (just didn't know what it was called then!) but at 25 I must confess to a silent hankering for a fluffy white frock

No I thought when you said it was a secret it was a secret form the family at this point not from DD. Well its the kind of planning which will either be deemd "romantic" or go down like a lead balloon.

But as you say - smile and nod, smile and nod

well its a secret from everyone, including dd. Her dp is going to propose when they are next away on holiday.

its an even bigger secret from all of Dds colleagues and school friends and ( she thinks) extended family because she has told them her gf is her flat mate

in fact most of the family have known for a while. they either drew their own conclusions or they asked us direct.