Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption Tearoom - open for business

483 replies

MediumPretty · 10/06/2011 12:58

or maybe a place for me to talk to myself Smile. Not as glamorous as the One Child Families tearoom, just somewhere to have a cyber cuppa and chat.

I went to pick DD (adopted from China) up from school yesterday. Whilst waiting in the playground I got chatting to the grandma of one of her classmates. I find playground chitchat hard work sometimes and I made a lighthearted remark about life since we adopted DD. The perfectly nice Grandma said "it's hard bringing up a child who isn't your own". She said that 30 odd years ago she had fostered two boys for what should have been a few weeks but they stayed with her until adulthood - one was still living at home.

I told her that we think of DD as "our own".

Silence followed then (as the bloody school bell still hadn't gone), I said something inane about enjoying having a daughter and Grandma said "I feel closer to my daughter, than my two sons who are not mine".

She didn't mean any harm with her remarks but it was an insight into how some people view adopted children as somehow less than a birth child and I felt a bit deflated

Just wanted to offload - will nip to M&S for some scones in case any one pops into the tearoom.

OP posts:
MediumPretty · 18/07/2011 21:44

I don't have your generosity of spirit, Mary. I'm quite happy to mouth the party line that DD has four 'real' parents and I wish she would be able to meet her b-parents one day but in my heart I don't mean the last part. Or rather, I wouldn't mind her meeting them for a Q&A session that might put her mind at rest but then I'd wouldn't want DD to have a relationship with them (sorry if that makes me sound like a heartless sod but I'm saying in the tearoom what I would never be able to say in real life).

I'm like Kew's sister - have no interest whatsoever in family history. I have tons of cousins that I haven't seen childhood and have no desire to see. I was very close to my late mum but can take or leave my siblings (feeling is mutual!). I don't think blood is thicker than water - I know it's not.

Obviously, my DD is entitled to feel differently but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to some relief that it is highly unlikely she'll ever be reunited with her birth family in China.

OP posts:
Lilka · 18/07/2011 21:46

I'm not going to flame anyone for feeling something! Besides, I'm hungry, and I wouldn't therefore want to flame the person holding the cake Grin

But, I totally agree with Kew. I understand far more where Isis is coming from than MP. I'm also fascinated by family history, how my ancestors lived. And honestly, I'm not adopted so I can't say for certain, but I think if I were adopted, I would not be very interested in my adoptive family history past a generation or so. I would love to hear a story about 'how mum did such and such and couldn't sit down for a month afterwards!' But I wouldn't be interested in greatgreatgreat anythings, because that wouldn't affect me any. It would be my biological family who would interest me. Where they came from, what interesting characteristics anf features they had- all things that make me, me in other words. Sure, environment hs an impact, but genetics plays a very big role in who you are

And I guess, the way I see it is, no one asks a small baby if they want to be adopted. They just have to be, and are expected to deal with it, and expected to just graft from one family to another with no issue. But it's not as simple as that, because, although you can't predict how they will feel as an adult, some people find their genetics hugely interesting. And aside from that, their biological mother is the one who created them, who they bonded with for at least nine months, and who they probably share quite a few core characteristics with (not always, but quite a lot of the time)

It's not that anything is missing from the relationship with their parents. It's that knowing where you come from is a basic human right, and it's one that you adoptive parents can't give you. I can't show my kids where they got the eyes from. I can't give them that. Their biological mother could. She can provide something i never can. I cannot be their bioliogical mother, I cannot replace her. She cannot replace my relationship with our kids. She cannot be the mummy they have had. I can provide their basic needs such as food,m warmth, love. But she can provide a basic right that I can't. And in that way, we complement each other - we are not in competition. I never want DD2 and DS to feel they would have to choose between us - they can have a relationship with two mothers

Now, if DD1 wanted to go back past her biological parents, and do some family hisotry research, i would happily support her. If she wanted to meet them, i would be very upset and feel very hostile. That is NOT anything to do with how i feel about reunions in general, its to do with her situation. Why would she want to meet people who abused her so badly? (she doesn't. She's scared of them, and hates them pretty much)

But in general, no one can be loved by too many people. I believe almost any woman who gives birth is a mother (excpetions for those who abuse their children horribly) Same for any adoptive mum (same exception as before). Two mothers, who must learn to share that title, and come to terms with that. And hopefully, if any child would come to their AM and ask for help, they would be helped and reassured, because ultimately being a mother involves putting aside your own feelings for your childs fulfillment and happiness (no one has the right to tell you how to feel in the first place, but you have the respnsibility to take care of how you express that. On a safe forum is a good place IMO) :)

Maryz · 18/07/2011 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 18/07/2011 22:13

would reply on a serious note but am to busy p'ing msl at brans totally inappropriate and socially awkward post Grin

Maryz · 18/07/2011 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hester · 18/07/2011 22:35

bran's post is genius Grin

On the more serious point, dd is still only 1 so I have many years ahead for my feelings to evolve on this issue. Right now, I'm at a place of being supportive in theory but really concerned about what she will find if she looks. Put bluntly, they're rough and I worry they will appeal to her as she goes through a teenage angsty/identity crisis/ reject my suburban middle class parents thing, and she'll get involved with stuff she can't really handle.

I'm really interested in what you said, Maryz, about feelings about this evolving as your child grows. I suppose it makes sense that, at the stage our children are small, we are geared to managing their environment to minimise their exposure and risk, and the exclusive mother-child bond is healthy and appropriate. As they get older, though, they become their own person, our claim on them loosens, and the job becomes more about how and when to set them free. I'm blathering; trying to say that I hope these feelings are natural and will grow and change in the right way at the right time.

ChildofIsis, I'm finding your posts really interesting and moving and am learning a lot from them.

Kewcumber · 18/07/2011 22:37

hester - have you read the lesbian quarrel thread - so funny on so many levels!

Maryz · 18/07/2011 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hester · 18/07/2011 22:48

Lesbian quarrel thread?! - now that I have to see.

Back later...

Lilka · 19/07/2011 06:22

Lesbian quarrel thread? I'm off as well now Grin

Great post from bran! A new puppy is lovely :) And why not have introductions hey?!

ChildofIsis · 19/07/2011 11:45

I decided to sort out our 'toy R us' living room last night instead of being on MN. Shame on me!!

I've been very interested to read the discussion posts.
Most have said what I feel.
I don't have any biological link with the older generation. I know who I am but not where I come from.

I don't have anyone in my life that I look like. I am a 'fish out of water'

To find those things after so long has been fantastic.

My biological family are not a replacement. They don't want to be and they never could be. I love my Mum and Dad and don't want another set of parents. Not least because I'm 43!

This search is not about my relationship with my family. It's about me and my search for self.

It's one thing to say that you don't bother with your family, it's an entirely different thing to not know who they are.

I'm very proud of the way my Mum has handled this, she's had the odd concern but that's been more about her fear for me than for herself. She always knew this day would come.

In a way she's the reason I'm doing this now. She was incredibly ill last year and it made me realise that if I was going to find Shirley then I wanted to do it before anything happened to Mum or her.

Maryz · 19/07/2011 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChildofIsis · 19/07/2011 12:08

You've hit the nail on the head Mary.

I'm looking forward to being part of a much bigger family who hopefully will get on ok with each other.

I can see that if I were younger then Mum may see it as me looking for a new mum.

I share a lot of traits with Shirley (bm) and am thrilled to find that her thought processes are the same as mine. Finally someone who thinks along the same lines as me.

Whilst growing up I had lots of problems due to having a very different outlook on life than my family.
Nurture can only do so much. Nature comes out eventually.

hester · 19/07/2011 22:16

Well, the lesbian quarrel thread was a gently surreal experience Grin

Maryz · 19/07/2011 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 22:32

that thread (or at least the OP) tickled me on so many levels though I do have a bizarre ense of humour.

I mean talk about a random string of facts in minute detial that really weren't relevant at all to the question OP was asking then the question itself which was surrounded in fog it was so vague.

It still makes me giggle to think of what the relevance of 1) being a lesbian couple 2) not having tarrgon 3) eventual use of oregano and basil had on the rumination about th esubsequent argument which she wouldn;t specify what it was about other than it wasn't about either 1, 2 or 3 above Confused but Grin

Maryz · 19/07/2011 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kewcumber · 19/07/2011 22:59

Well Maryz I do the cooking, buy the Tarragon, pay the bills and put out the bins all myself. And I manage to fall out with myself about it.

Lilka · 30/07/2011 22:06

How are you all doing then? :)

Having a relaxing-ish day (there never is a fully relaxed day with my lot, but this was what DD2 would call 'chilled')

DD2 said she likes her name a lot, and so I mentionned they'd published the baby names list. We looked up hers - less than 20 'DD2's' both this year and the year she was born. Couldn't find DD1 anywhere at all. She pointed out her favoutites - and then I pointed out mine. For the first time I think she actually understood what I could would have named her had I had that privelage Grin

Enjoying an extremely good book right now alongside laptop - '1000 years of annoying the French' Very funny and lighthearted summer reading. Anyone got any other good recommendations since I will have finished this very soon?

TimsterC - I'm pretty sure things must be hectic Grin , but I hope things are going really well and would love an update when you're finally able

Lilka · 30/07/2011 22:10

I should add after that first grin - she was really not amused!

Maryz · 30/07/2011 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hester · 30/07/2011 22:38

Is that the 'guess what my neighbours are building in their back garden' thread? I'm going to wander over and take a look.

Both dds' names were high up in the top 100. Too high.

Kewcumber · 30/07/2011 23:13

Hi - I went off to a wedding for a couple of nights sans-child a couple of weeks ago and I really enjoyed it though somehow I wish I had enjoyed it more. There was a part of me that just started gettting a bit fidgety after teh first night. Can't decide whether I didn't want to take advantage of my mum by leaving DS there too long or if it was just too odd to be there without him (lots of other children).

Whislt tehre the friend who got married made me feel a bit odd as she (more than once) pointed at two of her freinds children and said to me "they;re adopted too you know" and beamed at me happily as if she;d pulled a rabbit out of a hat! "Shame your DS couldn't be here".

Bless her she is only in her 20's but these childrne were around 9 or 10, American and one was mixed race black/white. I'm not sure why she thought a 5 year old would be somehow feel blessed with an interaction with these children. I know (because you could tell) that she was really pleased wth herself, but I did find the (repeated) insistance on telling me quite odd. I just can;t quite articulate why!

Made me wonder if DS has a lifetime of being forcably bonded with other adopted children.

Or am I being odd for feeling a bit odd about it?

KristinaM · 31/07/2011 20:01

im going to be annoying , kewcumber, and suggest that the bride meant well. she probably thinks its the same as saying

" kewcumebr, these are my friends John and Mary. John is a rugby fan as well and mary is an accountant"

its just a way of making an introduction or establishing a common point of interest. because she doesn't know many adopted children, she maybe thinks that your Ds doesnt meet any. Especially ones as charming as her friends children Wink

did you resist the urge to ask her about her vaginally delivered mother and her caerarian section brother? Wink

Maryz · 31/07/2011 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.