No flaming Pretty, how you feel is how you feel!
I would like DS to be able to meet his BM if he wants to but I do wonder how much of that is that I sadly know that he is never going to be able to. Although it took a lot of courage (as I didn't feel secure enough at the time to deal with a birth parent) I did do a birth paretn search and know that the detials she gave the hospital were totally false and although I do plan to do a couple of newspaper ads over the next few years in case her circumstances change and she is able to come forward, the chances are that he will never be able to meet anyone genetically related to him (except his children!).
So its a bit disingenuous of me to say that I would liek him to meet his birth parents as I know its not a realistic scenario.
Yes it does make me slightly sad to think that there may come a time when DS has a hankering to know about his birth family, that I am not quite enough for him. But that may well be the way it is - and like your feelings - his will be perfectly valid if he feels that way.
I do understand it because I think I would feel the same way despite adoring my mum. I am fascinated by history, family trees, how my family have a strong "look" which you can see in earlier generations, it fascinates me how our family came to be the way it was. Genetics must play a part in that. My sister on the other hand couldm't be more differnt and I suspect she would be supremely uninterested in meeting any birth family. She lives in teh moment, everything is about today or tomorrow, she couldn't care less about where our family came from or how like my greatgrandmother my mother is (spookily similar!).
I also don't think its entirely fair to draw a parallel with an adoptive parent being entirey happy about the situation and therefore expecting an adopted child to feel the same way. They just aren't comparable in my mind.
- I chose adoption, DS didn't (OK it may have been hobsons choice but there were some other choices for me - he had none)
- I know where I come from genetically, I know I look like my mother and my sister and my great Aunt. I know my family have a long line of intelligent (but impoverished) women (less so the men for some odd reason!). I take it for granted. DS knows nothing except when and where he was born. We can't even be 100% certain of his ethnic mix as depending on who you talk to he looks either 100% Kazakh or Eurasian
- and my genetic child is a figment of my imagination, there really is nothing to wonder about whether they would look like me or have similar skills or the same sense of humour, because they aren't real. Ds's birth parents are real and probably alive and they will probably have more children who will in all likelihood grow up with one (or both) of them.
In many ways I think having a poor relationship with your adoptive paretns and finding your birth paretns is in some ways the worst of all worlds - if your birth parens are lovely and have sorted thier life/lives out then you might be left with a whole lifetime of "what-ifs", if they aren't what you expected and/or the contact ends badly then you're saddled with two disfunctional sets of paretns which must do your head in.
At least if you have a loving and close relationship with your adoptive paretns you are probably searching for a very different reason and hopefully can deal with the conflicting emotions contact would no doubt bring.
My Aunt was adopted within the family so she knew who her birth mother was from a very young age (a very close member of the family) and it doesn't seem to have made a very big differnce to her relationship with my grandparents. In fact her relationship with my grandmother which was always chaotic and disfunctional (they didn;t speak for 10 years!) hasimproved dramatically and she is now her main carer. She doesn;t consider anyone other than my grandmother to be her mother even in her most turbulent times. More reassuringly I know how disappointed she is not to have ver been able to find any information about her birth father. WHy reassuring? because I know how much she adored her father - utterly and totally and though he has dead for 10 years she will go to her grave being 100% sure that her paretns were her paretns despite her birth. The curiousityshe has about her birth father is not in any way impacted by the depth of her love for her father. My father (her brother) doesn't see this at all - he is blind to it all his attitude is "but she became our family when she was adopted the rest doesn;t matter" . But it does matter to her, so it does matter and it might matter to your DD.
You know who your birth parents are, could you really hold it against her if she wants to know too?