@lollipoprainbow (another mumsy post, and yes, {sigh}, I am old enough to probably be your mum!)
As a parent of grown up ND kids, it will and does get easier! That no consolation now and ND kids, like NT ones, can be right little CF’s. But, all you can do, is what you are doing, as far as your DD is concerned!
As far as you are concerned, where is the kindness and compassion towards yourself? As a mum, you need to allow yourself some time out!
You know, I keep giving up smoking and then starting again. Why? Because, even when I lived in the north of England, where it took me longer to put my coat, gloves, hat, wellies on to have a smoke, than it actually took to smoke, it’s my “time out”. And I am absolutely not telling you to start smoking, I hate it, hate the smell and it’s an awful addiction to have! DH annoying me? I can go outside and have a smoke. Kids annoying me? Same. It’s gives me a few minutes to reflect and think about what’s going on and then to decide how I want to react without just reacting, iyswim.
ND kids, like NT kids, fall in to 2 categories - really neat and tidy from a young age and awfully messy and chaotic from a young age. No parent that I’ve ever known has been able to make a neat kid messy, or a messy kid neat!
Is DD’s room absolutely so dirty that you need Kim and Aggie or is it just the usual detritus that comes with messy kids? If it’s the former, then yes, a battle will commence that won’t be over until DD leaves home, the victor of the war. If it’s the latter, then take a breath, close the door and walk away. You’ll find it will get to a certain point and then she will tidy up. Simply because she can’t find things or her friends will come over and peer pressure her! Don’t allow her though to have plasticine, slime or anything like that. Your carpets will never forgive you!
ND kids, as you probably know, cannot really process a long list of things and actually, genuinely do forget things by the 3rd item - I’m ND and sometimes I’ll tell my psychiatrist things and she laughs like a drain then says “poor DH”. Poor DH indeed! Luckily he’s the yin to my yang.
When you want to tell/ask DD to do something, ask for one thing at a time. Don’t say “go and put your PJ’s on, clean your room, clean your teeth, your room's a complete sty”. Say “DD, I’m asking you nicely to go and put your PJ’s on”. Make sure you’re down on her level and she’s totally focused on you (which is hard for ND people, but please do persist as eventually it will work). If/when she refuses, you can use a carrot such as “ok then, don’t put your PJ’s on. I’m writing to Santa”. Don’t engage in arguments, she’s a child! And no is always a complete sentence.
I used to use Santa, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, whatever religious celebration or birthday was coming up. As they got older, I used sleepovers (hah, your room is so messy, where can anyone else sleep?? And make it a proper question, like really? Where?).
I’m probably telling you things you already know, but patience (and giving yourself a timeout from the ridiculousness of arguing with a child) is needed because you’re using a different way of parenting and you have to find what works for you.
I also hope I’m not coming across as condescending as I’ve had 37 years of parenting ND kids and I can really only speak for what worked for me. And all the kids were different so needed a different approach but getting down on their level, keeping calm, and giving them 100% of my attention as I told them something, worked for all of them. And only one instruction at a time. Even now, my 18 y.o. still needs that and my 17 y.o. still lives in a sty! If I knew how to upload pictures, I would show you her room, as it was after I’d finished decorating it (she’s had it down twice, complete with new furniture as well - and that’s in 7 years, whilst my room seems to be the dumping ground all the time!) compared to how it is today, with her existing living in it!
It’s also okay to ask your family for help - be it babysitting for an afternoon or overnight, or practical help!
I’m afraid I’m the type of mum who goes around to her children’s houses, or friends houses and I tidy or clean. Not because I’m judging them but because it’s what I do, it’s a way to make me show them how I value them and they all take it in the spirit in which it’s given. With love and also understanding that they all have busy lives, young children and cleaning is and should be the last priority when you have children that want to have fun with you!
So ask, don’t be proud and don’t think that if your house isn’t immaculate then people are judging or you don’t want people around. My house, even when I had the 7 kids at home was always immaculate. Why? Because both my husband and I are clean freaks, like everything in it’s place and have a system so that we don’t have to spend hours a day cleaning but do it as we go along. And because we came to learn that we can close the children’s bedroom doors and leave to how they want to live! Plus I find cleaning, along with decorating, very therapeutic and it kills me that I can’t do it so much now due to physical issues.
Find the place that you are happy with in terms of parenting and then go with it🌹