Partners grief ruling their life

[Outnumberedby4]

What is a ‘normal’ timeline for grief. Current situation… partner lost mum 8 years ago, around anniversary and various other times of year every year, they become insufferable and negative mood gets pushed on to everyone around them. There is no effort to pull and keep themselves in a better headspace, Chooses to stay living under the dark shadow, is this normal? Should others around them still really suffer so much this much time later? It’s like walking on eggshells waiting for the inevitable explosion. And yes before you come for me, I have also
my fair share of grief trauma and loss

I don't know about normal (as others have said that is difficult to define when it comes to grief), but this certainly is not healthy for him or for the family. Fine to feel sad around these anniversaries, but not fine to be unpleasant and irritable around family.

I am still grieving my OH after 6 years - but it is a grief that I carry inside and alongside me and I definitely do not allow it to be a problem for my family. On anniversaries the family message and send hugs, and I have my sad moments, but I do not cause pain to those around me with irritable behaviour.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain "I'm sorry you find someone's grief insufferable, maybe let them find a partner with a bit of empathy and understanding."

I doubt that he'd find anyone to put up with inevitable explosions, having to walk on eggshells and insufferable behaviour because his mother died 8 years ago. That's just abusive behaviour towards his wife and family. Should the OP live the rest of her life creeping around her husband's foul temper in constant deference to his grief?

Firstly, I don’t think there’s a “timeline”. I’ve heard it compared to ocean waves. Sometimes they threaten to swamp you and you have to fight to get through them. Other times it’ll be more of a ripple, as a memory flashes by.
Secondly, regardless what anyone is going through, they do not the right to make their family feel as if they are walking on eggshells, waiting for the explosion.
What I would like to ask, is when do you try and address this? I’d suggest that if there are predictable events throughout the year, you avoid this conversation during those times. And then acknowledge that you understand that they are grieving, but that this is how their behaviour is affecting YOU (and you children). Suggest therapy/ grief counselling. Failing that, I’d be tempted to book yourself and the children some time away.

Very similar situation here. FIL died 9 years ago and exDH completely withdrew from family life and was very unpleasant to be around but I gave him time/space/sympathy for 2 years. He then decided to punch our 8 year old after I'd asked him to get some help as life for all of us was miserable (our kids said they wished their DF had died instead of FIL) - marriage over.

He now bounces between therapy and antidepressants, quit his job, has a limited relationship with the kids and has a victim mentality. I don't think he will ever improve. Ironically MIL, who was with FIL when he died and had to do CPR until help arrived is getting on with life.

I actually agree with this take. The "no wrong way to grieve" approach means complicated grief can get missed and can be allowed to run on for years, and it really muddies the waters in a marriage about what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. Yet it has somehow become taboo to say that sometimes yes, grief can become destructive, and spouses and children shouldn't have to become collateral damage in someone else's grief process.
I've been living with a situation similar to OP's for the past five years and since my FIL died.
It has pushed my marriage to breaking point. I don't think it can be much fun for DH either being so stuck and angry but he doesn't want to address how he is showing up as a husband and father and, crucially, doesn't feel he should have to.
OP, I'm so very sorry to hear that you are dealing with this situation. No words of wisdom from my side I'm afraid but this thread has actually been quite validating for me.