Partners grief ruling their life

[Outnumberedby4]

What is a ‘normal’ timeline for grief. Current situation… partner lost mum 8 years ago, around anniversary and various other times of year every year, they become insufferable and negative mood gets pushed on to everyone around them. There is no effort to pull and keep themselves in a better headspace, Chooses to stay living under the dark shadow, is this normal? Should others around them still really suffer so much this much time later? It’s like walking on eggshells waiting for the inevitable explosion. And yes before you come for me, I have also
my fair share of grief trauma and loss

He hasn’t got used to it. He’s being an arsehole to OP and doesn’t care about the impact on those around him.

It is NEVER ok to behave like this to a partner no matter what the reason. This is abusive. And you are in an abusive relationship. And have been for years.

Let them. Let them behave like this but let me walk away and live life as I deserve to live it love and cherished.

Agreed. I think in the early days of the bereavement it’s fine to cut them some slack, but 8 years later? In my experience people who still act like a dick to others this long after their parent died are a bit of a selfish arsehole in general.

Exactly this.

a) why are you using they/them? If this is your husband, say so.

b) please quote people when you're replying

There is no timeline for profound loss and grief.
My experience is it never ever goes away,it just has to be lived alongside.
Anniversaries and special dates causing dysregulation seem common.

I lost my DH aged 48 yrs 8 yrs ago and there are still times that the pain is unbearable.(less frequently with time though) i have learned to handle these times better through counselling and putting strategies in place that help. EG: planning for significant anniversaries with time ,space and remembrance if possible. Taking your agony out on loved ones isnt acceptable or helpful though .
What do you do when your partner demonstrates the agony they are in?
Id say: i can see you are in pain and im here for you. Is there anything i can do to help?

No it's not OK. This is what you call "male grief". They're very good at using it to be abusive pricks, notably against their wives and children. Bet he doesn't do it to work colleagues or mates. My husband dropped dead in front of me 10 years ago at the age of 47. He was bleeding from his eyes and ears, it was beyond horrific. Did I treat anyone in such a vile way afterwards? No I bloody didn't and quite frankly I don't know anyone that would've continued to speak to me if I had. Your DH is just using this to be a total cunt.

If you are being insufferable to people around you 8 years later, that's not grief. It's serious mental illness, or a controlled, manipulative selfishness that you enjoy deliberately executing and pretend is because of grief. Yes, you can grieve for years, but not a totally uncontrollable way unless you chose to.

What is a ‘normal’ timeline for grief. Current situation… partner lost mum 8 years ago, around anniversary and various other times of year every year, they become insufferable and negative mood gets pushed on to everyone around them. There is no effort to pull and keep themselves in a better headspace,

DF died in November 1967 when I was 13. I'm now 72 and there are still some days in November that are better than others, and I always mark the day. I'm sorry you find someone's grief insufferable, maybe let them find a partner with a bit of empathy and understanding.

You don't get over grief but come to terms with it However there are some people I've noticed, use it as an attention seeking tool especially when years after the event.

They need therapy, you should make it a condition of a continued relationship. My parent died just before Xmas and most of my life (pretty much until my 40s) I hated Xmas. But I knew that was a me thing and I’m sure I didn’t take it out on others. Grief is normal and changes character rather than going away but being mean to others is absolutely a choice for everyone. He sounds like he is of poor character.

Im in the same position OP.

My DH doesnt explode but the joy has gone out of birthdays and Christmas as he will say, “It just reminds me that my mum isn’t here.”

He puts on a fake smile but whats enjoyable about that for me and the children? He also takes himself off on his own as opposed to spending time with us. He says he finds it hard to force himself to pretend to be happy when he’s wishing his mum could be celebrating with us too.

It’s been just over 12 years now since his mum died.

I haven’t lost either of my parents so I can’t make a judgement but it is hard when any family celebrations (especially Christmas) are always over-shadowed by his sadness.

So he got to enjoy birthdays and Christmases with his mum before she died. But now it’s his kids turn to enjoy birthdays and Christmases with their parent, their dad is dragging his arse around and ruining it for everyone? What a prick.

He’s not a prick.

He just finds it really, really hard.

I usually find him hiding away somewhere in tears.

He and his mum were very close and she died in very awful circumstances and very unexpectedly. It hit the whole family very hard.

I don’t know what the loss of a parent feels like but I certainly don’t think he’s a prick because of the grief he still feels. I have considered suggesting Counselling but I’m pretty sure it would go down like a lead balloon.

You deserve better. I would wait for a moment when there isn't a triggering event and have a firm conversation. Something like: "We need to talk about how we can best honour your mum. At the moment things have spiraled out of control - everytime a significant day comes up you feel her loss more acutely, which is understandable, but you are turning that hurt in to abuse of your family. There's no other way to describe it . I've tolerated it to this point as I thought it would soften over time, but it hasn't. I want to support you, but not in this way any more. So either we have an open conversation about this, and you get some sort of therapy booked in today, or I will have nothing to do with you during the days when you behave like that. This would mean christmas, birthdays etc spent separately. I don't want that, but I refuse for me and the kids to be told things like xyz anymore just because you're in pain. So I need you to listen to everything you've put us through because i think you arent even realising how nasty you've been, and then we find a way for you to honour your mum each time a meaningful day comes up so that you can be present and decent to the family you have here. If you cant mange that then this Christmas we will be doing things differently. Enough is enough."

Yes, have some for the poster, who is clearly struggling.

Your post is basically telling her to shut up.

See, I would separate the nastiness from the grief.

There is no time limit on how long he needs to/will grieve.

It is never acceptable to treat family members abysmally/abusively and he shouldn't be using the memory of his mother as a 'cover' for this.

Call him out on the behaviour every time but don't allow him to connect it to his mother's memory. If he does, just continue to say, on repeat, "It's not acceptable to be rude/treat us like this etc.)

I lost my mum in February, it’s going to be a sad Christmas but I am determined to make it extra special for my family . She was elderly but she was extremely young at heart and very missed .

I suspect this is an area where I may be a little bit cold although I’m not generally.
I really struggle with people who collapse in grief for evermore over anniversaries etc.
I knew someone who turned their house into a shrine for their loved one. They basically didn’t function around the persons birthday, death anniversary etc.
It caused a lot of damage to the rest of the family and was a source of pressure and gloom which never lifted, years later.

I find it all a little performative and icky to be honest.

I understand people are all different and grieve in their own way but it feels excessive and ghoulish sometimes.

I also dislike the implied judgment that can sometimes come with it that if you don’t grieve in that way you didn’t experience the same loss or love them as much etc because it’s complete bullshit.

Grief is indeed personal and takes many forms.

Anyone who uses their grief to dismiss and denigrate the people they claim to also love/are in their daily life is abusing that relationship.

People can be devastated by a death and miss someone forever, however if that loss means they no longer care about or cherish the people still in their lives, they might not be so attached to those left behind.

I wouldn’t stay around someone who had no regard for me because someone else they loved had died.

Grief isn’t an excuse to be an arse for ever.

”Johnny.”

“JOHNNNNYYYY”

Your partner sounds selfish. It's possible to grieve without bringing down the whole family and ruining special occasions. Are you sure he is not using it as an excuse to check out of family life? Maybe it's time to rethink this relationship. If you stay with him you have another decade of this ahead of you.

Anniversaries and special dates always bring pain. As long as it's not every day, it's normal. 👍

I think he is a prick. It’s been 8 years. He’s depriving his kids of the joy HE enjoyed with his mum as he has Main Character Syndrome. Women generally have to pull themselves together as everyone relies on them to ‘produce’ a Christmas, men can just mope about feeling sorry for themselves.

The first year, understandable. The second year, maybe a little. After that? Nope. Selfish.