Partners grief ruling their life

[Outnumberedby4]

What is a ‘normal’ timeline for grief. Current situation… partner lost mum 8 years ago, around anniversary and various other times of year every year, they become insufferable and negative mood gets pushed on to everyone around them. There is no effort to pull and keep themselves in a better headspace, Chooses to stay living under the dark shadow, is this normal? Should others around them still really suffer so much this much time later? It’s like walking on eggshells waiting for the inevitable explosion. And yes before you come for me, I have also
my fair share of grief trauma and loss

I don't think there is a timeline OP but I do think it's easy to get "stuck". When the anniversaries comes up for my daughter I know it's going to be hard so I take steps to cushion the household from my upset. I don't do angry though.

I don't even know how you can address it apart from laying cards down that if life is to carry on as a family then bereavement counselling needs to happen. Then together find a way to mark these anniversaries that doesn't have the household treading on eggshells.

Grieving is one thing, depression is another I was in an absolute mire for a couple of years after my child died. I did have therapy which was really helpful.

I still feel really miserable on the anniversary of her death and her birthday, I need a bit of a quiet time but I do not take it out on others around me. But there is a persons personality as well and I’m a glass half full, type what were they like before their Mothers death?

Your partners level of grief has tipped over in to some sort of depression but you have to ask yourself do you want your future ruled by their depression.

@gamerchick same here I know it’s coming, I do not arrange anything to do and need a day alone the day before the actual day.

Would they be open to seeing this as something which needs therapeutic support? Even though this would fit into the category of complex grief it might be challenging to find NHS services who may pick this up (I could be wrong).
Cruse is a 3rd sector organisation who support those who are dealing with grief, I believe their provision differs between areas. You could have a chat with them, or the GP.
https://www.cruse.org.uk/

my dh lost his mum 3 years ago but we celebrate her life rather than grieve her death, he lost his dad when only a young adult so that was long before we met. We celebrated what would have been his dad’s 100th with his siblings and champagne. We lit candles on the Ganges not long after his mum died (we aren’t Hindu) which again was a lovely way to celebrate and commemorate her but no dark depression or bad behaviour from Dh on birthdays or anniversaries, we remember them living, therapy can help get to this

NO NO NO!!

There’s really no excuse for being an arsehole to your loved ones. It sounds like he’s using ‘grief’ as an excuse to be abusive and I wouldn’t put up with being treated like that and treading on eggshells on a regular basis.

You’re not his metaphorical punchbag. Sounds like the time has come to separate permanently and leave him to it. You owe him NOTHING.

This is the problem with keeping the sex neutral. Why are people assuming the partner is a bloke?

It doesn’t get any better, but it does get easier.

This, really.

It's normal for parents to die. I know I sound hard hearted. But if people aren't coping after 8 years they need to take action. Therapy or something.

If it was particularly traumatic or upsetting then I can understand them being stuck, but taking it out on their family is never ever acceptable.

They sound abusive tbh.

I wonder whether he is holding on to the pain because it has become such an integral part of his identity that he no longer knows who he is without it. Maybe, on some unconscious level, he also gets a kind of advantage or some kind of psychological gain from remaining in that position. His suffering may give him a sense of entitlement or provide an excuse of avoidin confronting other issues or justifying his behaviour.

What I find particularly frustrating is his unwillingness to explore any of this or seek help. Grief deserves compassion but it shouldn't become a long term justification for hurting the people closest to you.

I've met people like this in my life and I find them irritating.

Yeah this is how I feel.

You have to move past it eventually, for other people’s sake. Otherwise we would have entire generations of grief stricken emotionally stunted people past ‘parent losing’ age.

I would have to wonder whether this really is grief. I know that there is an anger stage in grief, but it really is not normal to be unpleasant and aggressive to everyone around you, especially 8 years later. If he genuinely can't stop himself, he really needs to be going to therapy for his own sake and that of the people around him. If he won't, I would be thinking seriously about whether I wanted to stay with him.

It’s ridiculous to let this go on without some therapy.

I am coming up to four years and my mum was my best mate, I’m fine….now. It’s been hell and I’m not being heartless, I fully understand the devastation.

I realised about two years in just to bloody zip it and not bleat on and on and on, I don’t want my kids to be raised with a miserable mother and knew my husband needed a break from me moaning and crying and gnashing my teeth. When I get upset now I just have a micro weep in the lavvy and get on with my day….. I am trying to model healthy grieving behaviour because one day my kids will be in my shoes and they need to know that life goes on and the world doesn’t end

This is very true

OP posted…“Me as their wife, our sons etc”

That’s why I assumed it was a man. However, my reply wouldn’t change regardless of the sex of the perpetrator.

Grief never really ends. You just learn to live with it most of the time but then certain dates and memories can bring it back.

He shouldn't be taking it out on his family though, you need a serious chat once he's 'back to normal'.

After eight years? We all grieve differently, but getting in a foul mood and making your family's life a misery like this is completely unacceptable.

There is a huge difference between grief which can overwhelm you even years later, and shouting at and abusing your family. In middle age we all gave grief to carry, but we also learned to cope with it, not by pretending there is no grief but by putting support in place, whether that be therapy or coping strategies.

Your DH is abusive, and like people who use their Mental Health issues or Autism or ADHD or any other stressor, the problem is not the grief, it is his abuse.

I think that she/he really needs help. While it is certainly true there is no such thing as normal when it comes to grief, if it is badly affecting your life and causing you to behave abusively towards your loved ones there comes a point where it has to stop.

If s/he won't entertain therapy then your choices are accept their abuse or leave.

I would leave.

There is no such thing as a definitive timeline. Grief affects different people in different ways. Some days u might feel okish, the next awful. I remember reading something that said grief is like a wave, sometimes u are dipping your toes in it and other times it comes crashing down. As for your partner's behaviour around anniversaries etc it is not fair for you to have to deal with this in the way ypu describe. U can be sympathetic, but should not be a verbal punching bag. He should remove himself from company if possible. Maybe there are unresolved issues he needs to deal with- is counselling something he would consider?

Either he needs therapy or this is just an excuse for him to act like an ass.

I would probably say something like (if this is true) you miss your mum at Christmas because she always made it special. Your son's won't miss you at Christmas because you always make it miserable.
Its harsh but he might need some tough love if he's not simply a dick.

I wouldn't have put up with shitty behaviour like this for a year let alone eight. Grieving and being sad is one thing, behaving in a way that has the whole family walking on eggshells several times a year is another and not excusable. Tell your husband/wife to shape up or ship out because their behaviour is unacceptable.

I've lost so many dear relatives (child, mum, sister, gf, aunt...) that I have no patience. I respect people's grief but that's it, their grief. If I can grieve in private after so many losses without affecting other people, so can anyone. Eight years is plenty of time to put things in perspective - by all means, of course your partner will be sad and a bit moody around the anniversary but not to make you feel uncomfortable and walking on eggshells.

I agree with previous posters that there is no real timeline for grief. I experienced a very traumatic loss of a parent and it took me 20 years just to fully process it and recover to a certain extent. I don’t think anybody around me has a clue though.

I don’t think anybody should be using grief as an excuse for this sort of behaviour around anniversaries.

I don’t really get anniversaries and loss. I found it just as painful on day 72, day 203 and day 365. It’s just hard. That might just be me though.

No, it’s not acceptable. They have turned from grief to abuse.

A friend once said to me “You never get over it, you just get used to it”. So true.