Partners grief ruling their life

[Outnumberedby4]

What is a ‘normal’ timeline for grief. Current situation… partner lost mum 8 years ago, around anniversary and various other times of year every year, they become insufferable and negative mood gets pushed on to everyone around them. There is no effort to pull and keep themselves in a better headspace, Chooses to stay living under the dark shadow, is this normal? Should others around them still really suffer so much this much time later? It’s like walking on eggshells waiting for the inevitable explosion. And yes before you come for me, I have also
my fair share of grief trauma and loss

There is no "normal" time line for grief.
Everybody deals with grief differently.

Ime feeling the grief acutely at certain times such, as birthdays and other occasions which are special reminders, is perfectly natural and there is no time limit.

I hope you aren't actually telling the poor guy to pull himself together? That is horrendously insensitive and cruel. Surely giving him a bit of support and understanding at these special times is a much more humane approach and might actually help him into a better head space.

Edited to say: Sorry I realise I have assumed you are a woman talking about a man and I see you have actually been very unspecific about this so I have probably made an incorrect assumption. But the general point I have made still stands regardless

There's nothing 'normal' about grief, it's as individual as your fingerprints.

It might be worth recommending a few sessions with a grief counsellor on the run up to the anniversary of the death.

I don’t think there is a “normal” but it’s also not ok to keep everyone else walking on eggshells. Have you experienced your partner behaving “normally” prior to the death of their mum? Is there any attempt from them to understand the impact on others and adjust their behaviour to be less impactful on others (even if the grief is still there), say by seeing a therapist or attending a group?

Sorry I want to add that I am acutely aware that grief patterns come in all shapes and sizes, I may have worded my original post wrong; essentially I should have worded it more is it okay to be completely projective nasty, and volatile, dismissive, angry etc etc towards others all this time later. I was really hoping and expecting by now that they would be able to come forward and voice something like I’m really struggling at the moment. Give me some leeway or can you help etc.

I don’t think that’s okay. How long would we we talking per event? A month at a time
Do you have this at Mother’s Day, Xmas, birthdays?

There's no "normal" timeline really.

However, if you are being made to walk on eggshells waiting for your partner to "explode" then that is not acceptable either.

That is not acceptable behaviour.

Yes all events surrounding family, or things their mum would’ve been active in eg Christmas, Mother’s Day, birthdays, new year, etc etc. I’m sorry it sounds selfish but the truth is it casts a dark cloud on all events now forevermore for others. Me as their wife, our sons etc

No therapy just refusal or empty promises to try it

Grieving is one thing. Allowing that grief to negatively impact those around you is selfish.

Good and bad I guess like most

Have a bit of empathy

That black cloud can be debilitating. Many years later still floors me at times. Grief is not the same for each loss. The hardest ones never diminish in so far as that loss will be felt until it’s our turn. Saying no effort to effectively snap out of it shows a complete lack of understanding. Not right to take it out on others but I can understand why he sometimes needs to withdraw and work through the pain. Not having someone to understand and get in the trenches at those times likely a factor too. He must feel extremely alone. Asking what the timeline for grief is in a way asking when will he stop loving and missing his Mum and that answer is never, but what would be good would be to support him getting to a place he can cope better. Do you speak about her and the good times, do you do anything on the special days to acknowledge her? Trip to lay flowers then get on with celebrating here and now? If not that could help. He’s clearly suffering.

How old was his mum?

8 years is a long time to be expecting everyone around you to accommodate being treated like shit once a year.

My DP lost his GF well over a year ago now. We are a pretty new relationship and I was worried how I’d handle things around special times they had. It would have been her birthday last week and on that day he was quiet and withdrawn and sad. But at no time did he take it out on me.
has your DH had counselling or therapy. He sounds caught in a grief loop

There isnt a timeline at all. It never gets any better.

A lot of people just don’t know that. Yet.

I would not be putting up with this. This is emotional abuse, with an excuse. Saying this as someone with experience of grief. It's selfish to make others to suffer because you suffer. Unkind and selfish to rule the house moods because you're struggling as an adult to regulate your emotions. And whats worse, not seeking counselling. Utter selfishness. Leave when you still can if you can. This will never change and it will spoil every time of what should be happy memories

This. After 8 years they absolutely should be seeking some kind of therapy if their behaviour is impacting other people to this degree. You don’t necessarily get over the grief, you just have to learn how to live alongside it.

💯 🫶🏻

Whilst there is no normal, 8 years is definitely quite extreme. Professional help is definitely a good idea to help them channel their grief and emotions surrounding this. As I say it’s not a case of after 1 year, 2 years or whatever it goes away, it doesn’t and some people do find key dates quite upsetting but you shouldn’t be walking on eggshells after 8 years. Guide them to seek what will long term help them get to the point where they can remember their mum with love and affection without the upset

He shouldn't be taking it out on you after this long, it's not fair on you or your DC.

for perspective I'm 18 months widowed and lost my parents in 2020 and 2021 so have been through a lot of loss.

Did she die in unusual circumstances or was it old age? Because I could maybe cut him him some slack if she had been 50 and was brutally murdered but if she died in her bed of old age at 78 I'd be a lot less sympathetic. So it depends on that really.