Partners grief ruling their life

[Outnumberedby4]

What is a ‘normal’ timeline for grief. Current situation… partner lost mum 8 years ago, around anniversary and various other times of year every year, they become insufferable and negative mood gets pushed on to everyone around them. There is no effort to pull and keep themselves in a better headspace, Chooses to stay living under the dark shadow, is this normal? Should others around them still really suffer so much this much time later? It’s like walking on eggshells waiting for the inevitable explosion. And yes before you come for me, I have also
my fair share of grief trauma and loss

@Outnumberedby4

I agree with PPs. Some people never get over their grief. BUT, that is no excuse for being abusive to others at any time.

If DP simply had difficulty during 'special times' that's one thing. There's nothing wrong with feeling sad or even a bit more 'rubbed raw' emotionally during what were happy family times. But becoming abusive is unacceptable. And if DP will not seek help for the unreasonable behaviour, you are justified in ending the relationship, if that is what you want to do. TBH, I probably would. I would never choose to live with abuse, no matter what the reason.

At this point, if you don't want to leave (and I respect your right to decide) then it may help you to seek counseling. Partly to learn tools to help you deal with DP's grief and resulting behaviour and partly to help you understand why you are choosing to stay, to be sure you're making the right decision.

Grief is not a reason to be nasty and angry with those around you on anniversaries. It isn't at the time and it certainly isn't many years later, although allowances are properly made early on.

I actually don't care if anyone piles on me. I've lost virtually everyone in my family, my first DH in my 40s after a long marriage and several very close friends. I know that grief can come back and catch you unawares many years later but it is not an excuse for being abusive. My kindest suggest is that your husband needs some counselling.

A lot of bullshit answers here that seem to be focusing on the fact that you’ve said they’re grieving but not that they’re being a cunt.

there is no timeline for grief and it could come back randomly, one Tuesday 30 years later. That being said, there is absolutely no reason for you to be walking around on eggshells and be negatively impacted on a regular basis by their behaviour.

you need to work out what your limits are and then stand by them. If you’re not willing to put up with it, which is fair, could you leave? Could you come up with a plan they go elsewhere during this time? Can you offer any assistance that would be similar to therapy and get their thoughts in order?

id ask ChatGPT how to word it effectively and softly but I’d be telling them their behaviour is not acceptable.

No its not ok for them to act like that, they are using it as an excuse to play victim and because you wont rescue them they abuse you, this is to do with his( if male) relationship with his mother and nothing to do with you, i would say to.him you are not his punch bag and he needs to go for counselling and that its not your job to help him with his grief or be abused, tell him next time he abuses you thats it end of relationship,.im assuming you havnt lost a parent but i can promise you when you do he wont be there for you he will make it all about.him, ...

Next time they abuse you tell them to leave, why would you stay with someone who abuses you..they wont change

This is called complex grief, I have similar 12 years on after my father’s death. I was triggered by all questions on death, my kids being naturally curious sent me in a spiral. Grief counselling helped. See if you can get them into an NHS talking therapy program, you can self refer. Therapy helped me tremendously.

There is no timeline really, and it’s pretty normal for people to struggle around certain times of year, anniversaries etc…..But that doesn’t mean he should be having ‘explosions’ that frighten those around them and cause them to be on tenterhooks all the time. That’s unacceptable whether it’s eight weeks after the loss or eight years. Does he acknowledge this is a problem? How’s his mental health generally? He should probably seek support from his GP.

There is empathy then there is 8 YEARS of causing emotional harm to others what sort of legacy is that to leave a child? My nan died and my parent abused me because of it

And im saying this after my father (who i was close to) died in January this year he would be devastated if I made his grandchildren feel less than because he died

8 years is a long time and plenty of time to process or seek help to do so. A nice phrase I like is "if you don't transform your pain, you transmit it to others". As adults I feel we have a duty to work on ourselves so we don't transmit pain.

This is exactly it,I lost my Father over 30 years ago in pretty tragic circumstances, I’m obviously sad that my children had to grow up without what would have been a brilliant grandfather but myself my sister and my mother have never made others walk on eggshells around us.
I could understand overwhelming grief after the loss of a child but still no excuse for his type of behaviour

20 years since my mum died when she was 41. You learn to live with it but it's true that the body keeps the score in some ways and its easy to be triggered by unexpected things or for anniversary dates to be difficult even if ive not consciously realised the date.

Explosions aren't acceptable but equally give them space and empathy and maybe they'd have less reason to be explosive. I need a lot more space and understanding sometimes and although hopefully don't explode I probably could be snappy at times or have to walk away (eg I was a teenager when it happened so listening to friends all complaining how annoying their mums were was tough sometimes- these days its the opposite and people saying their mum is their best friend/helps with childcare etc that is hard)

Pretty much this.

I would be done with this shitshow. It's unacceptable.

You can't do right for doing wrong though as you are now shoehorned into the position of asshole.

I would be planning to separate now. I would not tolerate one more 'round' of this.

I've lost both my parents and close family and friends but I've never abused people around me when in the pits and I'm wondering if he is using this as an excuse to work something off in your direction that is totally unrelated to loss and grief but by doing so, it keeps you in place to continue taking the brunt out of guilt.

I know someone like this, they are like that and worse. They are like that most of the year and after spiralling ended up in hospital 2 years running, still suffering the consequences of their condition for the first one, I think they actually died on the operating table, and the second one, they were lucky they didn’t kill someone including themselves. Police and mental health services involved. I have no answers but they are supposed to take medication for mental health and they keep deciding they don’t need it. Adult child of my husband and I’m sure that’s what has brought on his heart condition. Just coming up to the anniversary this year and hoping they don’t spiral again this year.

grief is never an excuse for abusive behaviour. I lost my dad tragically when I was going along with other close family members and I’d never dream of acting the way your partner does around special events. It is difficult and he is entitled to his feelings but what you are describing feels very unacceptable to me.

Has he thought whether his mum would be happy with his grief ruining you and your children's special occasions?

I know that my late mum in law and my dad would be absolutely horrified at that.

My MIL's funeral just before a holiday, and my dad a few days before Christmas. We talked about how they'd want us to enjoy both, and threw ourselves into making sure that we did.

No, I definitely don't think that's normal.

What do you think they are trying to do @Outnumberedby4

This behaviour is unacceptable, grief or not. I lost both parents and my spouse in less than a decade, the last of those 8 years ago, and had 2 young children to bring up. I have grieved so much, with the weirdest things setting me off, and I do find certain dates very difficult. But if I was selfishly focusing on my own grief, to the point of making my family walk on eggshells around any potentially significant dates, I would spend much of the year in this state. That is not fair to anyone, and very unhealthy mentally. I think the suggestion counselling or therapy needs to be put forward again, and unless it is seriously considered and undertaken, I would be looking again at the relationship. As things are, it would be very difficult to continue putting yourself and children through it constantly

People handle grief differently, but you shouldn’t be suffering due to it. If he isn’t making an effort to deal with it and there is no end in sight - then it’s not a conversation about him dealing with his grief and being supported - but you getting the help you need to take care of your own mental health and start thinking about whether or not you see your marriage being able to survive this if he’s that miserable.

Being consumed by grief 8 years on and consciously taking it out on those around you is not okay. He is sacrificing his current family for a family member that has passed. It's not on at all and not fair to ruin all events and occasions because of it, im sorry but that is so selfish. If he can't choose his current loved ones and make the effort to help himself with his grief, then you should leave. Its already been 8 years, don't waste another 8 years on someone refusing help.

This "there's no wrong way to grieve" trope is very inaccurate. It gives people like OP 's DH license to behave poorly. And it also leads to people who are completely stuck in their grief many years afterwards, to not seek help, because 'there's nothing wrong with it'.

I really wish that organisations and therapists would stop trotting it out.

I think some people esp men! find it hard to process grief .However 8 years is a long time .Was she very ill? or young to die ? Maybe you can start by saying you feel for him (dont say you know how he feels!) and gently suggest some counselling maybe .Do his siblings feel the same ?

Not sure that's fair. In the early days of grief, one's grief is obviously going to have a negative impact on those around you, unless you bury it completely.

Should your grief still be dominating family life years later - no, of course not.

There is definitely no time limit on grief but it is absolutely NOT ok to make your family suffer. It’s up to him whether he wants to seek coping mechanisms for his grief but it’s totally up to you whether you choose to leave him for a safer & more peaceful life. Do what’s best for you & your children.

All depends. Is he using his grief as an excuse to be a dick? I know someone like this. He's lost his mum. His partner has also lost her mum but his grief is oh so much worse apparently 🤦😬🙄
He needs counselling or therapy if his actions are having a negative effect on everyone around him.

After 8 years I would have expected them to have had some bereavement counselling or other help and not to inflict their grief on the rest of the family.