Broken leg - now know friends and family don’t care

[Currentlylaidup]

I broke my leg a couple of weeks ago. It’s been horrendous. I live in a townhouse so lots of stairs. Trying to get to the bathroom with a cast has been awful. Trying to do anything has been awful.

I have 2 dc and a DH. DH has had to take time off work because although 1 DC can walk to school the other was being driven by me everyday to a different school. I obviously can’t drive so DH has to do it.

My mother lives literally round the corner from me as do other relatives including my brothers. I had to beg my mother to drop my DC at school and pick them up 2 days last week. She is 65 retired and healthy. Even though she lives round the corner I haven’t seen her in days. When I got back from hospital she did drop in a sandwich for me once and that was it.

Ive had text messages from various relatives saying how sorry they are. No offers of support. Nothing. Lots of lovely messages from people who I thought were good friends but that’s it. No practical help.

I feel so alone. I can’t weight bear so can’t do anything practical and DH is run ragged working full time, looking after the DCs and trying to stay on top of the housework. How lovely I keep thinking if we had some support from our families.

I know I’m feeling sorry for myself but it’s times like these when I wish I was surrounded by a loving family who want to help. If it was my grown up daughter going through this I’d be there for her.

My next door neighbour walked my daughter to and from school every day with her child and various women popped in with soup and crumbles for me during the day.

And the wimmin did your housework too, despite your 'lovely husband' living with you.

My late husband would've been mortified if these women thought he couldn't/wouldn't look after his own wife, home and family.

But each to their own.

It's understandable you're feeling a bit sorry for yourself, but there are quite a few more things you could do sitting down other than just staring at the TV such as reading, sewing, food prep, etc.

I broke my arm recently which is perhaps easier to manage than a broken leg, but I live completely on my own and didn't expect people to be queuing up with offers of help (which is probably a good thing, as they weren't!).

Have you asked your mum directly if she'll come round?

I'm sorry that you are injured and struggling and then also limited support from family.
It's a big adjustment to make and you do get tired because your body is trying to heal as well.
I hate asking for help but I think you have to reach out to people and ask them to pop round for a cuppa etc. Even recommend a film or book to keep you occupied.

And is that reasonable behaviour? Who suffers, in that case?

I can't help but think you're one of those posters who always says it takes them 30 seconds to change a bed, and can make a chicken last 10 meals, and implies if you can't, you're lacking in some way.

Let me spell it out for the under-thinkers - suddenly having to do twice as much work is difficult at first for most people. Obviously superwomen like @LadyLooo don't struggle with anything. Meanwhile, in the real world, there's an adjustment period. OP doesn't say her husband is shirking, she says they both need help.

Exactly. I’m a single parent and do that every day. I’m not run ragged. If he truly can’t cope with working and doing normal adult life then get a cleaner in for a few weeks, buy ready meals etc. It can’t be that hard.

^ this with bells on!

Come on people, have a bit of sympathy!

Op, I think you're going to have to bite the bullet and ask for help. Some people are just dense and thoughtless about offering, especially if you're normally very independent and self sufficient. When my DH had a stoke during COVID, I got the same reaction until I actually asked for help. Family and friends then were brilliant.

If the husband is tired after a day at work, having to prepare a meal is a chore, and I’m sure more a lot than 20 minutes of housework is needed! It sounds as if he is doing his best. The mother shouldn’t need to be asked to help, she sounds rather mean.

You should be asking for help because you are the one who needs it. People won't necessarily understand how limiting a cast is, then work out that looking after yourself, the house and the children will be difficult with DH working full time. Just ask your family and friends if they can offer a little bit of help, eg with a school run, unloading an online shop, making you a lunchtime sandwich, coming for a chat and a cuppa - anything really.

It's easy to read just the part you want, but I understood that the poster was demonstrating that there's a range. Some need plentiful support, some need minimal and the people around you won't know which end you're at unless you tell them.

And there's no pride in needing no help, or shame in needing some. Every break is different!

I understand that you're in pain and pissed off but if you're dismissing people the way you are dismissing genuine advice here, I'd leave you to it too.

Oh OP, it feels like you're getting a rough ride on here, and you have my sympathy. The world is divided into different camps of people, and I'm with you, I struggle to ask for help or what I need or want. For others, who are much more comfortable in asking for help, we can be seen as martyrs, or expecting people to be mindreaders, when that isn't the case, we just operate differently.

I'm definitely learning that I need to vocalise the things I want and need rather than wait for things to be offered or suggested but it's not easy. In your case, through necessity, I think you might need to be brave and look at different things you can ask of people so you're helped, and your DH too, and you can mentally switch off from the continual problem solving.

For your mum, she's local and more than able, can you delegate some specific stuff - can she collect DC from school, run them to any activities and maybe sort out dinners a few times a week? Could you she take your DC to her house for an evening or overnight? Could you ask her over for a coffee and while she's there, could she do a couple of loads of washing? Or, could she take some with her? You can even say that you don't like to ask for help, but you're finding this really hard and you wondered if she could help for the next few weeks with a set pattern, so you're both clear on what you need and what she can sort for you. She may be delighted to help, or she may not - and if it's the latter, then that stinks but you know where you stand.

As for friends, could you ask if they can help with DC with school runs, kids activities or playdates once or twice a week for the next few weeks - there is an end date, it's not a massive ask, and people will be happy to help.

Foodwise, could you do an online order for something like COOK? The food is tasty and nutritious, and your older DC or DH can just put them in the oven without having to do much prep. Takeaway twice a week to lighten the load?

You're frustrated, in pain and feeling hurt - all of those things will add up to one big emotional mess, and I'm not surprised you're upset. Everyone has their own stuff going on, and I would imagine most people would love to lend a hand if they know you need it. Don't see it as asking for help, see it as giving your friends and family a chance to support you.

Then, once things are easier, look at ways to support yourself while you heal. Focus on great TV programmes and films, read brilliant books, listen to podcasts, tackle the stuff you've been meaning to for months/years or catch up with admin or look up your family tree. It's crap that you've broken your leg so badly, but also try and see this is an enforced rest from the usual To Dos, and see what can you do with the time that will make you feel good.

Sending lots of love and healing.

I think it would have been extremely difficult for her to do those things even with “ just” a broken arm!

Yes I broke my leg a few years ago. I found out who my real friends were.

speedy recovery, Op.

A different situation to yours OP but I was caring for an elderly relative and felt like I was drowning. I couldn’t understand why no one was offering to help me. Eventually I hit crisis point and I blurted it all out, told everyone that I was not coping. I was amazed by the response and almost immediately people began to help me. It is hard to ask for help but if your family is otherwise normally loving, please just try and tell them. Tell them you’re struggling and feeling isolated and would really love some practical support.

I've never heard of a family avoiding someone as much as your family seems to avoid you, even when you could probably use a bit of help.

I wonder what the back story is.

I don’t agree the poster is being dismissive. It’s pretty obvious to me that someone in her position would need a lot of help and support, and it wouldn’t have hurt OP’s friends and relatives to have phoned or called round to see what is needed. Can’t believe the cold hearted views of some on here! Can only assume they haven’t been in pain and unable to function, which is mentally and physically draining.

My late husband didn't struggle with cooking an evening meal and doing approx 20 mins housework after work when I broke my leg, no 🙄

OP I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad break and are struggling, that must be rotten. I can totally understand why you’re feeling sorry for yourself, and want a bit of a vent - that is understandable. But, gently, you posted on here saying you were struggling with some practical things and that you’re hurt friends/families haven’t offered more by way of practical support. Lots of people have suggested maybe they don’t realise that, and have said therefore you need to ask, and give people specific examples of what would be a huge help. You have repeatedly said you don’t like to ask for help, and I get it, I for some reason find it very difficult but this is one of those times. And lots of people have given your friends and family the benefit of the doubt and suggested why they may have thought you’re managing ok. So yes, whilst it would be nice if people rallied round with exact offers of specific things, sometimes people, whilst meaning well, just genuinely don’t appreciate what the specific issues are and therefore what would be challenging and what would be a useful bit of help to offer, if they’ve never found themselves in that scenario.

so you really are just going to have to ask!

But also people have offered lots of practical suggestions. Because this will presumably take a long time to fully heal, so there will be some things you’ll need to get on with, once the immediate pain/discomfort has subsided and you’re feeling a bit more yourself. if your DH is run ragged, as a family you’re going to have to have a plan. Various things to do with the household will have to just be let slide for the immediate, only the bare minimum. Are you able to get a cleaner in temporarily if you don’t already have one? Do very very easy meals e.g. Bighams / Cook etc.. A bag on a long cross body strap is useful for e.g carting your phone / book / remote etc to the place you’re going to be sitting. Cups of tea are tricky - can you get a trolley/stroller thing? Those sort of suggestions are all helpful. Yes, you’re feeling sorry for yourself and that’s understandable and perfectly ok to have a little wallow. No one is suggesting you should just be managing as normal. But take the suggestions, and ask for help! Good luck OP.

I'm sorry to hear about your broken leg!
It sounds like a difficult situation, and painful.

If you don't like to ask other people for help, can perhaps your husband ask people for some help instead?

I agree with everyone saying you have to ask for help. My best mate has broken multiple limbs (osteoporosis) and I do help her with stuff like shopping, looking after her pets etc but she does need to ask me. People have busy lives of their own, kids to run around after etc. They're usually too busy with that to wonder if they're needed elsewhere.

That said, your mum sounds a bit shit. I sympathise. Mine is similar. Are you seen as a 'coper'? If that's your role in the family, then you'll be seen as someone who just gets on with it even if you're wrestling with broken limbs, depression and addiction (yeah, been there!).

Hi mum/sis/friend!
Completely bored on the settee until DH comes home. Can you spare an hour tomorrow morning to come and cheer me up? Bring cake!

If your dh is struggling with doing everything around the house surely it’s up to him to ask for help?

I don’t think anyone knows how something feels until they’ve dealt with it themselves. On the other side of it they’re probably thinking well if she can do everything so can her dh. Maybe they think of it as a man teaching moment kind of thing.

Totally agree. This really shines a light on people.

I was in hospital 4 months, no walking in that time, home steep stairs. A couple of friends were amazing ...family far away.

The others would message me...about going to IKEA for a wander literally passing my house and didn't ask if I needed anything. I broke 3 months later put a beautiful image on Facebook where a dear friend had got me out and how precious that was.

They dear "good people" friends saw the post, asked if it was a pointed remark. I said yes...thought we worked it through and discussed. Resolved to move on. Nope. They ghosted and took other 2 pals with them (of whom I had zeeo expectation of help). Not sure how they explain it, even to themselves.

I always met up with them near THEIR homes, took food parcels in covid times.. they were no friends at all it turns out.

An injury seriously shows who is a true friend, caring relative.

The results are surprising

Full solidarity OP 💐

Loads of lovely injury / fracture specific Facebook groups for validating support

Communication is key. You have a husband who is 'often' in the office (so not always: get him to do more when he's there) and a mum round the corner. Anyone else probably thinks it's totally covered! Ask for what you want. And don't go running when your mum needs any help in future.

You're quite right, as evidenced by lots of posters here who haven't been in that situation.

I'll offer help but you'll need to be specific about what you want from me. A lift somewhere, some shopping done? No problem but I am not a mind reader.