No-one wants to come to 10yo's birthday

[MyChildHasNoFriends]

Just venting really. There's nothing I can really do about it.

DS is turning 10 in a few weeks. He's excited and wants a party. Unfortunately, not one of his 'friends' hitherto wants to come. None of them has invited him to their parties this year.

The ones I know well (because they all attend an activity that I run) have all invited one another, except DS, to birthdays, family gatherings and playdates. Their parents try to shush them but it's pretty obvious what they're talking about - and it comes out when the parents aren't around. The parents have all made vague excuses about being "busy" in mid November - when we have traditionally invited them all over to our house for the activity, followed by afternoon tea for DS' birthday. It's kind of worked the last 4 years, but it's obvious this year that the other kids in the activity (aged 11, 11, 12, 12, 13 and 14) have outgrown DS and find him annoying. They still do the activity sessions, because their parents make them: it helps them with their studies and I run it all for nothing.

Similarly the two families we know from other stuff have gone out of their way to be too busy to meet any time soon. It's also been obvious this year, during meetups that I've organised and paid for, that their kids close to DS's age find DS annoying and boring and that the only one who likes him is the 16 year old.

Family are all overseas. Similarly utterly uninterested cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

I guess DS needs new friends, and something interesting to happen on his birthday that distracts him from the idea of a party.

There are two things going on here. Firstly puberty. The others who are 11, 12 and older will feel suddenly older than your 9 year old. I have two boys two years apart and they were best friends and did everything together except for a period when the oldest reached puberty and suddenly wanted nothing to do with the younger one for a couple of years.
Secondly his interests don't align with his peers. It's something he could work on. He may not be particularly interested in the usual football but does he do any sport? It's not a bad idea to find something he can do or doesn't hate, not just for making friends but also for health and fitness.

My eldest was a complete nerdy geek and yet yearned to be accepted by the "lads". He played football even though he didn't love it and was somewhat accepted by them. He always had more female than male friends. Still does as an adult. Also not all girls go through that unpleasant cliquey stage.

Yes but it IS possible to be interested. I'm not sure why you are dismissing that possibility out of hand.

There's nothing wrong with your son. Kids his age can be very fixed and rigid wrt other kids' ages. Mine always had friends in a wider age range because they were home educated and not stuck in one narrow year group.

It sounds like everything will blossom for him when he gets in to the youth orchestra age. That worked well for my DC as a social setting.

Meanwhile it sounds as though your plan for a museum sleepover etc will be really lovely and make him feel special. Better than corralling guests who don't really want to be there.

It’s not sad, it’s the truth. Children are not adults.

No matter how bright a 10 year old is, they are still 10 years old, and their life experience is naturally limited.

I love children, have 3 of my own, but I have no interest in a 10 year old’s perspective on a city, other than how my own children may enjoy it. I’d politely listen to them, of course, but we are not operating on the same level of understanding.

I’d be interested much in the same way I’d be interested if a 10 year old was telling me about their favourite football player.

There is nothing a 10 year old, no matter how bright, could say to me that would actually peak my interest. It’s just dishonest to pretend otherwise.

My daughter is autistic and she finds social interactions with some peers a bit difficult, especially when their interest are different. In situations like these and when the kids don’t have much in common to talk about, the worst thing you can do is have the party at your house where there is not much to do but eat and chat. These kids are older than your son and have different interests so I really wouldn’t take it personally. If he wants a party what I would do is book an activity outside of your house (bowling, trampoline, nerf gun fight, etc)…something where the party revolves around the activity rather than the chatting and lack of common topics to discuss. I have done this for years and it has always been successful. I would definitely be inviting some classmates though…they build relationships based on things they experience together, rather than just because they have common interests. Maybe worth considering.

This.

My eldest child and his friends are bright kids. They all play instruments well, but none of them are having conversations about classical music. Why? Because they’d rather be playing football.

It doesn’t make them stupid - it is completely normal for their age.

His father is a classicist and his mother an art historian, and, quite honestly, he had more to say of interest about where they had been than a lot of adults. In terms of "naturally limited", there might well be posters on here who would have less to contribute to that conversation.

I daresay he'd struggle to impart much of interest about how to navigate peri-menopause, but that's the point: we all have different things to offer.

I think you are stigmatising.

If everyone is avoiding your child, the only thing I could think is he has been mean to these kids.

This poor child 🙄

It's "pique my interest," not peak.

This is one of the snobbiest posts I've read for a while. The child is not better than other children because his parents have middle class jobs!

To be honest, I think the posters saying 'of course adults can have equal conversations with children' are the sort of people who struggled socially, thought they were above their peers and talked to adults instead, without realising they were being humoured.

Someone I know, diagnosed autistic as an adult, had a horrible shock when she realised that her early ability to read, reading full books before she started school, was not, as her parents had told her, a sign of genius, but was actually hyperlexia associated with her autism. She has struggled as an adult.

I suppose instead of 'dumbing down' we can say 'feign mainstream interests to achieve greater chance of social connection'. As an adult, I often do so to not make the other person feel awkward, e.g. pretending to know who x reality star is. I know men that pretend to be interested in football, checking results of teams they've never seen play on a Monday morning, to be included.

Does mainstream music, film, TV bring us happiness and allows us to learn something? Of course.

I am very interested in contemporary culture myself - my playlist is beyond corny - and I work with children where I encourage their interest in contemporary culture so they can go down deeper rabbit holes, e.g. learning about Korea/ the wider world.

In the same room, I can always see a few kids who have no interest in these things, and I ensure to make sure they feel equally included, and bring their interests to the forefront, too.

Where I take an issue is that youth culture now is capitalism/ consumerism at its finest.

It sells the idea that you need to change/ become someone that you may not be in order to achieve social acceptance. If you don't, you're often rejected.

Or did every 10-yo in the world one day decide that they like Spice Girls and Coca Cola? No, it's a packaged marketed product sold at a highly susceptible audience. The children are too young to realise they're being sold to and the majority will buy into it anyway, so what I was saying was that they do not need further encouragement from parents.

I'm not sure how old you are but was saying 'I don't like Britney Spears' social suicide in year 7? Yes, it probably was.

If a child decides not to go along with whatever the latest marketing or toy craze is put out there by marketeers, that's ok.

Just scrap the party idea and take him away on his birthday for a night. Visit some places you know he’ll enjoy and book a restaurant he’ll love, hotel with nice pool if he enjoys a swim etc etc

Does he want a kid-style party? Or just a party?

A few of our young acquaintances who are similar to your son had the sort of party to which you might have invited your extended family of all ages if they were nearby and interested. Maybe your son would enjoy something like that? Invite his adult acquaintances from church, all your neighbours including elderly people and families with much younger children, your friends from work. You'd be surprised how many people will want to come, either because they think it would be fun or because they want to brighten your son's day.

Have a party at your house with plenty of interesting food and some games to liven it up. One lad liked to run a tombola for his guests. Another had sparklers in the garden. You could do bingo, Jenga, pin the tail on the donkey, and other traditional parlour games. "Name that tune" with some well known classical pieces as well as pop music and film theme tunes.

I initially went because I didn't like to think of the poor kids having no one at their parties, but it always turned out to be much more fun than I expected. The birthday child put a huge effort into the party planning, which I think they enjoyed nearly as much as the day itself.

Do insist on an RSVP. Make sure everyone knows that it will not be a big party and their presence is important. The last thing you want is for people to say they will come and then not turn up. But most adults are more considerate than that, especially if they understand the situation.

Thanks for that.

I’ve just had a 3rd baby, and have suffered with serve memory loss, specifically word recall and putting sentences together both in text and verbally.

Hope that made you feel better about yourself, though.

No he isn't better than other children. But he IS very bright, and the fact he likes to discuss things other than football doesn't actually make his social skills somehow lesser.

You don't know this boy. There is an awful lot of stigmatising of children who don't fit the run-of-the-mill profile on here.

I think that particular poster wants to feel better about their social skills by making themselves feel intellectually superior, I wouldn't pay any attention.

Congratulations on your baby!

Going forward, does your son play a musical instrument, or would he be interested in learning one? When my daughter was in primary school she joined the junior section of our local youth orchestra; plenty of youngsters who sound just like your son there. He would find like-minded friends. Just an idea!

Thank you so much - he’s an absolute dream!

I just noticed other kids are older than him. That explains their reluctance. This activity they are all doing together is academic and you mentioned his interests are more grown up. It’s sad that he has no friends. You should encourage him to take part in fun activities for his age where he can meet other kids. Friendships are important for children and helps in their development teaching th social skills.

I'd say it's the complete opposite actually: people rushing in to call the op's son "lesser" because their own dc only like to discuss football.

Prejudice and stigmatism can cut both ways - and no, it isn't nice when it cuts against you. Which is worth remembering.

Doesn’t matter who is saying what. It’s better for a child’s mental development and long term mental health that they go through age appropriate experiences. Having adult like interests might sound impressive to some and of course child will enjoy the praise from adults in family for being so bright. Reality is he is missing on so many important things. I say this as someone whose brightness and intelligent interests as a child gave a lot of pride to adults in family and who was pushed in that direction. And as an adult I hate that such important stage of my life was directed to fulfill weird adult ambitions and egos.

It sounds like DS has very different interests to his peers, because he's on a different intellectual level for his age (indeed for many ages, by the sound of it!!). His people are out there, it's just finding them.

I'm not sure there's much OP can do except look for a secondary school that nurtures such kids, hang on until Uni - and meanwhile continue to explore what milieu might be best for him.

She's already said that he plays in 3 orchestras, sings in a church choir and plays organ for church services, but the same problems arise: the choir is mainly girls who ignore him, he probably stands out uncomfortably as the 'star talent' in the orchestra, and he feels more at ease talking to the older people in church. So maybe that's a lesson learned - local is probably not going to cut it, you might have to try to get him into a cathedral choir or something.

You're doing all the right things OP, and I agree, probably best to drop the 'free activity' for other kids now. DS's time will come!!

Some of that is a bit snide, @ElleintheWoods. ‘Mid-market’? That’s a thoroughly unpleasant way to grade other people.

I’m a novelist, and lots of my friends are writers, artists, musicians, architects, run galleries, music or arts festivals, etc etc. But I’m from a poor WC background some of my friends and family also work in retail or drive cabs or work in pubs or as postmen or cleaners or lorry drivers . And both lots get married, socialise and throw parties which are not that measurably different from one another!

And I can tell you that the artists when they are at my house are just as likely to be bitching about not getting arts council funding or complaining about the cost of studio space or chatting about 90 Day Fiancée as they are to be discussing the Biennale or Kierkegaard. I teach writing in a university department where everyone (including me) has a doctorate, and are discussing Celebrity Traitors in the same breath as Faber withdrawing Sally Rooney’s books from the UK market.

I’ve had some of the best conversations of my life about poetry with a local cab driver who also does performance poetry and is incredibly well-read, and the favourite tv show of a colleague and friend who has a monograph just out with OUP is Married At First Sight. An ethereal famous elderly artist I know slightly reads pretty much exclusively Harlan Coben and Lee Child. I write at the more literary end of literary fiction and have a yen for old fan fiction from Stargate Atlantis (a series I’ve never watched),

People are various! There isn’t some core of people who exist solely in a realm of “‘elevated’ activities while the ‘normies’ drone on about soap operas and their kitchen extension.