No-one wants to come to 10yo's birthday

[MyChildHasNoFriends]

Just venting really. There's nothing I can really do about it.

DS is turning 10 in a few weeks. He's excited and wants a party. Unfortunately, not one of his 'friends' hitherto wants to come. None of them has invited him to their parties this year.

The ones I know well (because they all attend an activity that I run) have all invited one another, except DS, to birthdays, family gatherings and playdates. Their parents try to shush them but it's pretty obvious what they're talking about - and it comes out when the parents aren't around. The parents have all made vague excuses about being "busy" in mid November - when we have traditionally invited them all over to our house for the activity, followed by afternoon tea for DS' birthday. It's kind of worked the last 4 years, but it's obvious this year that the other kids in the activity (aged 11, 11, 12, 12, 13 and 14) have outgrown DS and find him annoying. They still do the activity sessions, because their parents make them: it helps them with their studies and I run it all for nothing.

Similarly the two families we know from other stuff have gone out of their way to be too busy to meet any time soon. It's also been obvious this year, during meetups that I've organised and paid for, that their kids close to DS's age find DS annoying and boring and that the only one who likes him is the 16 year old.

Family are all overseas. Similarly utterly uninterested cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

I guess DS needs new friends, and something interesting to happen on his birthday that distracts him from the idea of a party.

I agree it is a mismatch at this point and has outlasted it's usefulness.

But I do think where there are formalised groups - eg bookgroups - it is bad manners to all privately organise something and leave out one member.

I disagree tbh. I think its even more important for bright kids to be able to chat to other peers, otherwise they risk turning into arrogant adults who think other people are stupid/thick/less than them, for not sharing their high brow interests.

Just because he's bright, that doesn't preclude also being interested in popular culture?

Being able to read a social situation with peers is important. Its easier for a child to talk to an adult as often as adult will do the difficult bits for them, and will tolerate stuff politely that a child wouldnt it. Kids need to learn how to spot that a peer for eg is getting bored with the topic of conversation - an adult will often politely avoid showing they are bored but instead will carefully steer the conversation away in a way the child may not notice. Thats not social skill on the childs part its the adult 'managing' them a bit.

And i say that as a parent of just such a boy with these sorts of intellectual/high brow interests that can see them socially isolated. You have to ensure you are fitting your child with the skills for the world they live in - this boy has 8 years of school left to go, its going to be a whole lot more pleasant for him if he learns to fit in better and develops friendships with peers.

I agree about developing skills that suit his peers. I am just saying I don't feel there is merit in labelling his skills as lesser. They are different.

I was feeling sympathy for your son when i read your title , i still do but also relief when i read that his friends are older and it's not a 'bullying' situation - hopefully!.
My daughter was in a similar situation re friends ages a good few years ago when she did an activity, she was the youngest.
I think it's just a natural transition with kids and the older ones just outgrow the younger ones.
Taking a cake is a really good idea then on his birthday do something that's special just for him.
I hope he has a lovely birthday.

Does he not go to school if he does thats a bit weird as all the kids usually get invited, why are you organising his life? Usually kids say i want to do this and invite these friends, weird that you seem to be choosing his friends

But his social skills are lesser.

That's not too say he is lesser as a person, he clearly has above average musical ability and is intelligent, and sounds like a lovely boy.

But pretending his socail skills are fine and it's everyone else who is the problem, they are all evil bullies while he is just better than everyone won't help him at all. If he works hard at social skills, which he seems (from the OPs post) to find difficult and not be as natural able in this area, he could make a real difference to his life and happiness.

Yikes, there’s a lot of weird judgment and stereotyping in these comments.

There is a place for social skills training for some children, if they genuinely lack social awareness and conversational ability. There’s not nearly enough information provided by OP to determine if that’s the case for this child. He may or may not be able to maintain a conversation, be aware of what it takes the maintain a reciprocal friendship, take others’ perspectives etc.

Having interests in things different to the peers in his immediate circle will make it harder to make friendships whether or not he has these skills. Kids naturally gravitate to others with similar interests. It doesn’t actually seem like his interests are incredibly restrictive. “Books,” for example, if he is reading about a variety of topics, is very broad. It’s not unrealistic to expect he might find another 10 year old who enjoys reading and discussing books. why should he need to skill himself up on Pokémon and K-Pop just to fit it?

If his peers can only discuss Pokémon and K-pop, is that not restrictive? Does it not show a lack of flexibility on their part that they don’t seem able to read or discuss books or classical music? Such a double standard.

Is he autistic?

The information that you have given strongly points to autism.

There is no indication that the group functions other than an activity they attend at the Ops house
Op has said he has not been invited to their parties this year and he/ she has not socialised with the parents
Pretty standard if your DS is 9 and they are 11-14
Her DS is in primary school, they are secondary

You are being really unreasonable to expect a load of secondary school age children to come to a primary school aged child’s 10th bday party. By that age they don’t go to birthday parties anymore. I think in a few years you will think back on this and understand.

Do something different he will enjoy like the museum trip.

No-one is pretending that the others are evil bullies. Or certainly I wasn't.

I was just saying that, while he needs to work on taking more of an interest in topics his peers are interested in, often bright children like this have already moved beyond other "age-appropriate" forms of interaction, meaning yes, there is a mismatch, but it is just that, a mismatch, not a poor or good thing.

The idea that every very bright child is just being "tolerated" by adults who are subtly trying to shut them up is just not fair.

I had a group of my dc's friends for a party a while back. One is clearly very, very bright and quite charming and fascinating to speak with. But he was not so interested in a topic the others were gabbling on about. Neither was I to tell the truth. At one point he and I happened to catch each other's eye and he broke into a smile. I knew exactly what that meant: how do they even find this interesting? He didn't say out loud it was boring, he just didn't join in. And yes, maybe he would find things easier if he did. Definitely he would look more typical for his age. But his social skills were not lesser, just different.

Exactly.

Agree with this. Theres no point sugaring the pill, if his social skills were fine he'd have some friends, and he doesn't. He attends music groups with other kids with shared interests and nonetheless hasnt managed to forge a connection, so something is going wrong here and its better to accept that and try to take action than to pretend his social skills are fine just 'different'. Fine if you want to call them 'different' but right now his social skills are fundamentally unsuccessful, so he needs help.

But the child you mentioned had friends and was at a birthday party. That is completely different to the OPs son's situation

Oh OP this is heartbreaking! You and he both need new friends, these people sound awful. For this year I would concentrate on a special activity/treat out just for him and any family who can commit. And moving forward he needs helped to make a few same-age friends, whether that’s at school or through maybe a club/extracurricular.

Nobody is suggesting he must conform only to talking about pokemon and kpop, and absolutely if other children were only able to do that theyd equally have as much difficulty socially.

But i can assure you there are plenty of socially well rounded kids out there who can talk about books and share in interest in classical music and news, but can also navigate a conversation about pokemon and kpop. And recognising that fundamentally given that pokemon is generally more popular with 10 year olds than classical music, you are going to have more success with a peer by starting off with pokemon arent you.

My son who is much like this (but has lots of friends!) learnt quickly to save the classical music jokes/chat for the kids at orchestra, and chat about minecraft and roblox with school peers.

Its about having flexibility, having the patience to let someone else talk about their interest and show some interest in it, as well as expecting them to talk about yours.

At one point he and I happened to catch each other's eye and he broke into a smile. I knew exactly what that meant: how do they even find this interesting?

How old was the child? I couldn’t imagine relating to one of my children’s friends in this way.

No matter how bright the child, fascinating is not a word I would use to describe a conversation with a 10 year old. I agree with a pp that adults most definitely humour children. There is nothing a 10 year old could say that I would be fascinated by. And I know plenty of bright children.

OP, it’s not clear — have you or your DS actually issued invitations?

Well we don't actually know OP's son.

I am just saying I don't agree with blanket stigmatising of social skills as "poor" because they aren't in step with typical age behaviours.

Some children are quite mature and relate well with adults and it isn't because the adults are accommodating them out of pity.

I was that kid. I still am, to some degree.

Please don't push him to change/ ask him to fit in, dumb down and be interested in k-pop and what not. To some degree it will happen anyway, but in the long-run it will not necessarily benefit him.

Instead, I would suggest he tries to find his people. He can have deeper engagement wth classical music, or books/ young writers' club, join a theatre group or similar. He can really become someone quite extraordinary and lean into his interests and talents. If he connects with other similar kids, that could be really amazing for him.

I didn't find other similar kids until age 15 - but thankfully there was the internet :) And IRL adults like my mum's friends who wanted to chat classical music and books.

Let me tell you what happened to the 'weird kids' from my vicinity... One of them is one of the most famous popstars in Denmark who lives an extraordinary, wholesome life. Three of them are founders of unicorn startups. Another published several books and directed a Cannes film before age 30. Quite a few went to Oxbridge as the only one from their school year.

A lot of children who are like that tend to be kids of politicians or other public figures, so she isn't necessarily in bad company. When I finally found my people, their parents often had jobs like the mayor, telecoms founder, newspaper editor etc. I guess perhaps some of these kids have more balls and resources to remain themselves?

If you look at the stories of extraordinary individuals, hardly any of them have been 'normies'.

I think the key is to lean into who you really are, while still learning the skill of engaging with people who are a bit more mid-market and buy into what society tells us we should be. He doesn't need to do this at 10, he can learn and re-invent himself later in life.

Bad friends is also worse than no friends. Aged 10, he will pick up on that.

Just make sure he feels loved and valued at home, and that nobody makes him feel less-than because of his quirks. Praise achievements and allow him to grow his confidence in himself.

Look up Manny from Modern Family.

So what's become of me as an adult?

• Very academically driven and professionally successful. Very happy day to day, although it took me a while to get there
• Plenty of close friendships, but with 'my people', i.e. all my closest friends are people like inventors with a PhD background, entrepreneurs, writers, scientists, creatives - essentially nerdy, obsessive people that never cared much for being popular and instead found their thing
• Considered socially skilled and liked by people at first sight, chatty with shopkeepers, remembered by people I superficially interact with - but that was a skill I had to learn, a social script
• Tend to stay away from normative social occassions, e.g. parties, group socials, weddings etc - I just find them too emotionally draining in terms of having to fit in and feign interest in things I have none, and quite boring. However, if it is required to attend, I can function perfectly fine. I do better if there's people there that want to chat tech, philosophy, art or other topics many find boring and too deep 😃
• Really like my own company as it allows me to embrace my inner world and be creative
• Would have liked to have understood the significance of a social network earlier, as I initially expected everything to work on merit, whereas actually who you know and superficial friendships with the right people can help immensely in whatever you pursue

Hope some of this is helpful. Sounds like you're raising a brilliant kid! Just make sure he feels happy and valued.

Couldn’t agree more with this.

I find that sad.

He was discussing a trip he had been on and how the location measured up with a different city in that country - pros and cons. It was interesting, and well-articulated and pretty much the sort of run-down I'd have been interested to get from an adult.

Not pity - they are simply being polite.

It’s also really useful to know when someone is being polite, rather than actually being interested in what you are saying to them.

You have just demonstrated the exact example i referred to earlier of the arrogant adults who think other people are stupid because they dont share their intellectual interests - why exactly is an interest in kpop 'dumbing down'?

People interested in contemporary culture are not dumber/more stupid than you. It is a different, not lesser interest?

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