Rules for being old

[TheFamousSix]

This is a bit mean spirited but I am writing myself a list of rules for when I am old based on the things I am struggling with regarding my own parents.

My list so far

Your kids do not care about your friends' illnesses (unless it impacts you eg your friend is dying or you are caring for them)

If you wouldn't say it to your daughter in law then don't say it to your daughter (eg judgement of parenting things)

Only offer food once, or twice max. It is not generous to offer a dozen times, just annoying.

Any others?

I try to be kind to everyone, I lost both my parents quite young so my In Laws are like my parents now as they welcomed me into the family with such warmth & love.
They are lovely people that have worked hard all their lives, I might not agree on everything they say but that's their life experiences & I respect that.

Oh bloody hell, somebody dressed in a snow suit and carrying a club is at my door.

I've got someone with a big black hood and a sickle axe! I'm doomed! I may as well give up now!

Shove over mischance, i will join you in the queue!

Number 5: Childcare on tap. Kids dropped off at 7am and collected at 6pm. Could they also have been fed/homework done and put in their PJs?
Number 6: Share your money with us while you're alive. A lump sum to help with school fees will do nicely

Not lost your sense of humour tho! 😊

I love my DMs stories from the past and I care about her and therefore her visits to the GP.
Maybe the rule should be don't waste your precious time on people who patronise you and treat you and your health concerns with contempt. Surround yourself with people who genuinely love you and care about you.

Luckily I was able to locate my quill pen and sign a will.

I’m kind and put myself out for my 87 year old FIL for the very same reasons as yourself although I didn’t lose my parents- but had very disinterested ones-

Thank you to those who still care for us old biddies, we love you, but getting old isnt easy when you have been independent , its a pain in the butt.

So the message should be to keep independent for as long as possible rather than expecting others to do the thinks you can do for yourself. And when you can’t do them, pay for them to be done and spend the time with your family as quality time, not them doing your cleaning…

That is my personal view on it yes - certainly for those with resources to do so - my frustration is with some elderly people who run their family ragged and yet refuse to spend a penny on helping themselves when they have tons of cash and/or assets - I would personally much rather it was spent on their care or enjoyment

So do t be a pain in the butt . My father has just died and turns out had pots of money and a great pension . Yet he lived frugally and reused to get help with garden , use taxis etc and the house is in disrepair with my mum still living there . So much of our visits in the past few years she. Been gardening cleaning and maintained for them , at the expense of my annual leave and time with my kids . I’d rather have spent the time talking to my parents and enjoying their company , not to mention how much it cost me to fly in from another country . I’m actually really resentful as well as grieving

I am not a pain in anybodies butt, i maybe phrased my post incorrectly, by " care" i didnt mean physical care, just the odd text is lovely, dropping in for a cuppa, seeing grandkids, i know people have busy lives, but just a couple of minutes thought can make somebodies day.

Totally, as per my post below. It’s one reason I want the care system to work in a different way - I think it’s sent many older people to become very tight because they are aware of this possible drain on their assets.

Oh I agree with that too - I love it when my 28 year old calls just to say hi or I’ve bought these what do you think!!

Many old people , like myself maybe tight in your eyes, but i would rather my hard worked for money goes to my family and not to the government in care fees, i will not be going into a care home.

But what if there is no choice? No one can dictate how their health pans out.

And funnily enough this is an ongoing issue for my very special best friend. Her mother is 90, lives on her own, close to friend, but has had many falls and now a mini stroke. Up until now she has managed with constant medical appointments, she cooks for herself but still needs lots of input.
Should my friend give up her holidays, her life, to be a full time carer now she has deteriorated? Or should she suggest her mother sells her house so she can be well looked after somewhere she is comfortable with. I know which I would be going with.

Maybe she may qualify for care to help with daily tasks, thus reducing the care from your friend.
It is difficult these challenges, i would rather take myself off this mortal coil when i choose and keep some of my pride and dignity.

Very selfish attitude / my friend has s mother like that and spent 10 years -all her 60s, so possibly her own last really active years as full time carer -never a night off as the old cow wouldn’t accept any respite carers 😡. Died leaving lots of money t and paid bigger inheritance tax to ‘the government’.
Her daughter had lost 10 years of her life.
Despicable.

Maybe the daughter shouldhave been more assertive and said no,

Yes @Pabbel but friend's mother has to accept it!

She would far rather her daughter was running around after her. I have known her for decades, mum isn't a selfish woman, she's a nice person, but I can imagine she won't want help. It took a long time for her to agree to a cleaner! And as for going in a home, I can imagine she really really won't want to, but it's so unfair on my friend. She has missed one holiday this year already, and is due to go away in a few weeks (for a week) ... probably won't happen.

I have said to my adult DCs... I will NOT put you through this sort of thing, just stick me in a home of my choosing!

So you have said you won’t go into a care home, same as my my friend’s ghastly mother insisted.
If your children are ‘more assertive’ you will be going in then?😂😂

Rule number one, as outlined above - You Cannot Win.

If you spend all your money on cleaners, gardeners, taxis, care etc. you are spending your children's legacy and some will criticise you for that.
If you hang on to your money and as a consequence need some help from your family, that too is wrong.

I choose to buy in the help I need, to instal aids that make me safer with my disability, buy in private health appointments rather than wait - but the more I spend, the less I have to leave to my lovely family. But they respect my need for independence (I have been disabled a long time since a much younger age) and that I have the right to spend my money as I wish - "We don't need it Mum; you be happy." I almost never ask them for any help, but when they visit they always ask if there is anything they can do - I make sure that my requests are small ones - e.g. reach down a clock from the wall so I can change the battery. The big stuff I pay for.

It is a dilemma for retired people who in the main see their families struggling and wish they could help - and know that if they died the sale of their home would make a huge different to their children's lives.

Perhaps I had better go back to my cave and wait to be culled!

No i wont be going into a care home, i have my own plans which my children are aware of.
Life can be difficult, we all have our own views and preferences.