Feeling guilty about not working now my child is in Reception

[WhiteDress86]

My husband and I are both in our late 30s and have a 4.5-year-old daughter. We live near Leeds, in a nice-ish village. My husband is considered a high earner — his income before tax, etc. is around £140k a year.
Our monthly outgoings are roughly £1,200 on the mortgage and £1,500–£2,000 on bills, groceries, gym, classes, etc. Everything else is saved or invested. We're debt-free apart from the mortgage. All our money are in a single account.

I had a pretty good career before I had our daughter. I stopped working to become a full-time mum, although I did some freelance work for a bit of fun money and, if I'm honest, for some sense of self-worth. Our daughter started nursery two mornings a week when she turned two, more for the socialisation than anything else.

When she turned three, I thought I'd have a go at getting a part-time job and landed a role at a regional organisation. The job was perfect: just three days a week, with the flexibility to work from home most of the time. It meant sending our daughter to nursery three days a week, but she really enjoyed it.

I took home around £1,500 a month. Half went to my husband to put into savings, and I spent the other half on groceries and fun things, days out, treats, etc. I absolutely loved my job. It gave me a sense of purpose and independence.

Unfortunately, due to a company-wide restructuring, I lost my job in July.
My husband said it was fine. He actually preferred me as a full-time mum anyway, as I was sometimes too busy to cook proper meals (maybe once a fortnight!), and he pointed out that we didn't need the extra money. I was also grumpier thanks to work!

However, now that our daughter has started Reception in September, I've found myself wondering: am I even still a "full-time mum"?
Worse still, we'd committed her to three days of after-school club because, at the time, we didn't know I'd be jobless! I initially wanted to take her out of it, but seeing how much she likes it, we might just continue. She only goes for an hour or an hour and a half — she doesn't stay until 6pm.

I know I sound like a brat, and, to be honest, I don't really know what the point of this post is. I know I'm incredibly lucky to be in a position where I don't have to work. I'll also be getting rental income from a flat I bought before I got married (my sister is living there rent-free until next year, when she moves out).

I've been applying for jobs, but the job market in the North is bleak. My freelance work has dried up, and my attempts at becoming my own boss (I tried to run my own consultancy) were, frankly, hopeless.
I guess I just feel like I'm not contributing much to the family.

I do the school runs, cook all the meals and do all the chores, but I still feel like I need to earn money. I don't have many hobbies apart from reading and gardening, and I don't really socialise much because most of my friends and fam live far away. Im introverted so I'm happy to just chat with my friends online anyway.

My husband is supportive and loving (although he can be a bit chauvinistic!), and he's a great dad.

Anyway, that's all. I just wanted an outlet to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening!

I was at home until my youngest was 7 and if I were to go back and give myself something it would be the gift of NO GUILT. Your life is of worth because you as a person have intrinsic worth and are not simply an economic unit.

Honestly it sounds like you need something of your own because you are a bit bored and unfulfilled so you should think of doing something for that reason. You can spend some time thinking about what that is though as there is no need to rush back to work. Maybe that is a job, or maybe it's volunteering, retraining, or going back to Uni. You can afford to have it be something that aligns with your OWN WISHES though.

I'm kind of whispering this next bit because we have all decided that children don't need to have a parent at home/ everyone's value is that of an economic earner, but being at home with the kids has been the best thing I did for them quite honestly and now they are teenagers our relationship - formed during those years - is what keeps them on the straight and narrow. They don't want to piss me off because they know me.

You don't sound like a brat at all OP. Some women love being a SAHM but others prefer to work either full time or part time and there's nothing wrong with that. In your shoes I would keep looking for a job. I know the job market isn't good but you will probably find something eventually. It won't get any easier to find a job if you leave it for a few years!

Unfortunately, due to a company-wide restructuring, I lost my job in July.
My husband said it was fine. He actually preferred me as a full-time mum anyway, as I was sometimes too busy to cook proper meals (maybe once a fortnight!)

The 1950's have called and requested that your husband please give them back their attitude.

I worked all throughout the baby/toddler years/reception then we relocated for DH work and I didnt have a job lined up. We planned for me to be a SAHM for awhile until we settled DD in and for home renovations as we bought a do'er upper. Even with the home DIY and being involved in the PTA I felt like a glorified housewife, I lasted about a year before I returned to FT work, I probably returned earlier if DD was not struggling at school.

Mums in a similar position at my school do an amazing job on the PTA. They are the reason that children have access to so many lovely events throughout the year and they are why no trip is ever cancelled due to parents not paying, why there is amazing playground and sports equipment. why there are decent resources for TAs to do speech and language interventions, and so much more. They make such a difference and the school would be a different place without them.

I would 100% get a job and make sure your husband starts doing his share. I assume that you do all the childcare, housework and cooking at the weekend too? This needs to change.

Your daughter will grow up thinking that’s normal and the woman is responsible for everything domestic.

Even though you whispered it, it is still quite insulting to suggest that children of working parents don’t know they. I am fortunate that I am able to work school hours but that doesn’t make me or my parenting superior to those who work 9-5.

I was talking about my relationship with my kids. I did not suggest anything about you or any other working parent.

My children know me very well because I spent so much time with them when they were very small. That is true whatever is the case for parents who spent less time with theirs. I don't claim to know anything about their children, parenting, or relationships but I can see and talk about my own experience thank you.

Yikes!! I sincerely hope at weekend the jobs and leisure time are shared equally. I wonder if your MCP of a husband will be as supportive and loving once you get your own life back and can’t be his personal maid. Sorry but it sounds a very restrictive life you lead.

I have very respectful teenagers “on the straight narrow”, I went back to work full time when my eldest was 9 months. They’re respectful because of the discipline we have instilled in them and the love we show them, nothing to do with the hours we worked.

I think you don’t need to feel guilt. But do you really wish to do all the chores. I could not be married to someone who said they prefered me at home so they could get their dinner, immediate ick,but we are all different, if you’re happy doing the chores then crack on, if not get a job.

I am not sure this all comes down to guilt, although that could be part of it. Some of it just feels like you are unfulfilled and lacking confidence. Some people and relationships are well suited to SAHM but it sounds like you would like to have a purpose outside the home and honestly, SAHM to only one DC is not that much work (and it sounds like you need more to do to occupy yourself). Personally I would try harder to get back into work particularly as your child is enrolled for and used to longer school days anyway. It will do you chauvinistic DH good to learn that you have a life outside the family! Unless you invest in some self development now you could find yourself very bored and lonely in the future I think.

I went back to work full time after maternity leave both times and am very glad for the financial independence and the shared work at home. My kids and I love each other and have a very close relationship - and we can afford to pay the mortgage so we are all winning. I was 'very' ready to get back to work after maternity leave!

There is nothing wrong with a more traditional setup if everyone wants that and the money works. Nothing wrong with spending your time volunteering and cooking and cleaning. Lots of value to be had in that and your child will certainly be used to this and quite comfortable.

There is a LOT wrong with being bullied into being at home every single day so you can put a hot meal on the table at x o'clock. That is a ridiculous standard and a ridiculous thing to say to anyone. Your 'job' is while he is at work, he gets to participate in home life when he's at home. If he's hungry, I'm sure he can figure out how to turn on an oven all by himself. That bit really infuriates me.

I am somewhat concerned about two things, one that your DH prefers it when you don't work, of course he does, means he can avoid all household duties. Whether you mind doing it all or not is up to you, but if you think you will start to resent it that's a concern.

You say all your money is in a single account, presumably you mean current account, but then that you were giving half your money to him to put in savings, I hope your savings are either joint or equally split between you.

Set aside guilt and social expectations and even what your DH wants. It’s all irrelevant.

What you need to focus on is long term financial security.

Not for now, for the long term.

You either need to work or you need to find another way to keep up your pension.

Most SAHM wives of high earning husbands are fine financially if their husbands die, but what would your financial position be if eg he survived a stroke with serious brain damage at 45?

What would your financial position be if you got divorced in your fifties?

I’m sure your DH is an excellent chap. But you never ever know what’s round the corner.

Never put yourself in a position where you can’t independently support yourself or your children.

Never ever put yourself in a position where you could be destitute in old age.

NB: the two examples I gave are from real life. If was hard enough for both women to manage as lower earners, if they had been SAHMs they’d have been screwed.

Could you become a child minder as you have a lot of experience with young children?

I wouldn't bother feeling guilty, I feel guilty for being a working mum, and it's generally a totally pointless feeling to waste energy on. I have to use before and after school clubs, and my son's only been in reception 2 weeks and I feel like I don't know what's going on in his life. There is laundry all over the house and I struggle to get dinner sorted for him every day (he was having it at nursery previously). 9-3 goes so quickly, even if you get time to relax in the day I'm sure you're also cooking, tidying, running errands and sorting shit out generally. You are contributing huge value to your family.

If it's not actually guilt you're feeling, and more a sense of boredom/unfulfilment then that's a different kettle of fish, and if you want to get a job you should get a job. If you don't need the money then you can take the time to find the thing that's right for you, rather than accepting whatever because needs must.

So if your DH is happy for you to be a SAHM then you need to sort out paying into a pension for you. You need that regardless. I would say keep looking for work or volunteer somewhere. It is very hard to shrug off society’s attitudes to SAHM. I’m still a couple of years of having enough freedom to really work again but I’m looking into stuff now. Keep hunting. But remember you are keep the ship on course and making sure everyone’s lives are running smoothly. That is worth a great deal to some. Hopefully your husband values you for this. Mine certainly makes it clear to me when I fret about all the financial weight being on his shoulders that I am doing what needs to be done right now and he recognises that I have sacrificed my own ambitions because of it. I should say my pension is paid into monthly from our joint account and I have full and free access to the money.

Sorry @throwaway3749574 I didn't mean to quote you and can't remove it!

Although you shouldn't feel guilty, you should find a job because you will be utterly dependent on your chauvinistic (your word) husband if you don't.

He might value you as a SAHM to a child in reception, but do you think he'll value you as a housewife when she's grown up? It will be far harder to get back into work in your 50s.

You may think you'd be okay if he left you because your money is in a joint account, but men can and do empty the joint account, and once your daughter is 18 there won't be maintenance for you, hopefully half the house but things can always go pear shaped (remortgage without you knowing...). Or he leaves you when your daughter is a pre teen, moves in with a younger woman with several children and starts fathering more children, and therefore he has to support those children and doesn't have to pay much for yours...

Yes I know, all catastrophising, but such things happen, and are less catastrophic if you are financially independent.

Even if your marriage lasts forever, you won't have an income including pension in your own name - do you really want to have to run purchases past your chauvinistic husband in your 50s, 60s and 70s - forever in fact.

I'd keep job hunting.

Why were you giving your high earning DH half your salary to put into savings? Do you have your own savings?
July wasn't very long ago, just wait and see what comes your way. You dont need to make a permanent commitment one way or the other.

As long as you're happy with how your days goes and DH is happy, absolutely do not feel guilty.

Different situation, but DH worked away a lot when DD was little on minimal wage, it wasn't worth me trying to get a job around that as there wasn't so much free childcare. By the time she started school, he'd gone back to his previous job, but wanted to better himself so was out 7am-6.30pm working, he'd come home, takeover with DD bathtime/bedtime while I sorted things downstairs/finished his tea. 7.30pm he'd be studying.

Whilst he was at work, I cleaned the house, shopped, most of gardening, painting, made lunchboxes for next day, cooked evening meal, was available for emergency repairs. On top of which, I was available to go to school events (DD loved one or both of us being there), pick her up when she bumped her head, and I didn't have to worry when DD had to have an emergency operation, then two weeks off, then flexible hours for four weeks. There was no worry about cover for school holidays, and playdates after school soon kicked in after she started school, so I was available to easily let her little friends come back or pick her up. All this, meant that when DH wasn't working, studying, he had time for himself/us and could relax occasionally!

One thing I would say is to keep friendships up, have a hobby that gets you out, or at make an effort chatting to neighbours/local people more. Contact with others is good for your own well being.

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies! I guess it is true that sahms do alot more than they get credit for, and it's also a reality check for me that school holidays will be alot easier if I'm not working. I will continue to look for part time, hybrid or remote jobs, but will also volunteer my time with my daughter's school or the community garden.

One more thing... I feel oddly embarrassed that I am jobless. When another parent asked what I did professionally, my instinct was to lie that I was still gainfully employed :( my career was very much part of my identity when I was younger, and looks like it still is now!

I don't have my own savings but I trust my husband.. i know its risky but he's not at all bothered about money and if sh*t hits the fan i know he'll still give me my rightful share! (Hope these ain't famous last words, haha)

Thank you for this, it does sound like a similar situation and I'm sure I'll have her little mates come around soon enough! Did you go back to work when your DD grew older?

Is there a college or uni near you? You could do a course to get you back on track or change career - or, since money isn’t a driver for work - you could even go and do a PhD on an area where you’ve always had a burning interest. I don’t know what field you’re in but if you’re say, someone with expertise in HR or accounting or marketing or similar, a charity or two would love you have you on their boards.