Feeling guilty about not working now my child is in Reception

[WhiteDress86]

My husband and I are both in our late 30s and have a 4.5-year-old daughter. We live near Leeds, in a nice-ish village. My husband is considered a high earner — his income before tax, etc. is around £140k a year.
Our monthly outgoings are roughly £1,200 on the mortgage and £1,500–£2,000 on bills, groceries, gym, classes, etc. Everything else is saved or invested. We're debt-free apart from the mortgage. All our money are in a single account.

I had a pretty good career before I had our daughter. I stopped working to become a full-time mum, although I did some freelance work for a bit of fun money and, if I'm honest, for some sense of self-worth. Our daughter started nursery two mornings a week when she turned two, more for the socialisation than anything else.

When she turned three, I thought I'd have a go at getting a part-time job and landed a role at a regional organisation. The job was perfect: just three days a week, with the flexibility to work from home most of the time. It meant sending our daughter to nursery three days a week, but she really enjoyed it.

I took home around £1,500 a month. Half went to my husband to put into savings, and I spent the other half on groceries and fun things, days out, treats, etc. I absolutely loved my job. It gave me a sense of purpose and independence.

Unfortunately, due to a company-wide restructuring, I lost my job in July.
My husband said it was fine. He actually preferred me as a full-time mum anyway, as I was sometimes too busy to cook proper meals (maybe once a fortnight!), and he pointed out that we didn't need the extra money. I was also grumpier thanks to work!

However, now that our daughter has started Reception in September, I've found myself wondering: am I even still a "full-time mum"?
Worse still, we'd committed her to three days of after-school club because, at the time, we didn't know I'd be jobless! I initially wanted to take her out of it, but seeing how much she likes it, we might just continue. She only goes for an hour or an hour and a half — she doesn't stay until 6pm.

I know I sound like a brat, and, to be honest, I don't really know what the point of this post is. I know I'm incredibly lucky to be in a position where I don't have to work. I'll also be getting rental income from a flat I bought before I got married (my sister is living there rent-free until next year, when she moves out).

I've been applying for jobs, but the job market in the North is bleak. My freelance work has dried up, and my attempts at becoming my own boss (I tried to run my own consultancy) were, frankly, hopeless.
I guess I just feel like I'm not contributing much to the family.

I do the school runs, cook all the meals and do all the chores, but I still feel like I need to earn money. I don't have many hobbies apart from reading and gardening, and I don't really socialise much because most of my friends and fam live far away. Im introverted so I'm happy to just chat with my friends online anyway.

My husband is supportive and loving (although he can be a bit chauvinistic!), and he's a great dad.

Anyway, that's all. I just wanted an outlet to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening!

Totally understandable how you’re feeling. It’s not your choice to not be working and be solely a SAHM. Some people thrive on it, some don’t and I’m one of the latter. Money aside I’d always prefer to be working for all the other benefits of it. I don’t think you’re solely a sahm I think you’re someone who was made redundant and is looking for a position that works for you. Your DH should realise that working suits you and is what you want to do and should support you. Can you build your freelance work up again? Good luck, I hope the right job comes along soon.

I loved being a sahm even when dc started reception - school holidays seem to come around very fast! - but it sounds like you thrive better with something else outside of the home to bring other purpose. That's OK.

Continuing with job hunting seems obvious, but there are also many charities / pta etc which I'm sure are crying out for help!

Otherwise, you have time and money... Is there anything you've always wanted to do or learn? Do an OU degree? Train as a hairdresser?! Learn Mandarin?! Write that novel?!

I mean this nicely, if you feel so guilty just look for a job!

I wouldn’t feel guilty. You’ve done what you and your DH decided was best for your family and you’re now working on your next steps.

while you find the right role, why don’t you throw yourself into volunteering? PTA, reading with the kids at school, charity shop, charity admin, meals on wheels delivery or whatever floats your boat. You might even find that a volunteer role leads to something paid or introduces you to new skills.

Is it guilt, or more a sense of being unfulfilled? Keep looking. It's good you are not desperate to take anything so have choices.

I also stopped working to become a full time mum and when my youngest started reception I was bored, lonely and unfulfilled. Depressingly, my career had disappeared away from me.

I retrained and did something different. But I’m still a fairly low earner compared to where I would have been if I hadn’t given up. Sometimes that makes me feel rubbish!

So how about retraining to do something else? Is there anything you’ve always wanted to “be”? This could be your time!

Or perhaps you could do some volunteering to meet people and feel good. I think I read somewhere that it’s one of the things that makes people the happiest.

First, ditch any guilt about being a SAHM. You still have to pick her up from school at 3pm, care for her in the holidays, be around if she is sick and on inset days etc. Someone is needed more often than not, when DC are tiny.

But your sense of self matters, as does your ability to earn your own money. Look at what you did freelance - are there any transferrable skills that you could use to create a new self-employed WFH PT job? You say it dried up, but can you promote it more widely or target a slightly different, lucrative, client group?

Don't be scared to start small. I did about four hours a week when DC were in infant school. That grew gradually and by the time they were in late teens I was working FT away from home for weeks on end, with DH taking over as main parent after he was made redundant (which you should both also consider - if DH is made redundant, you will need a secondary income from somewhere.)

Go back to self employment from home - hours to suit you. Start small - very small, learn what works and what doesn't, what earns and what is more trouble than it's worth, what fits around school and what intrudes on family time. Streamline what you do to suit you and then start to develop that strand of work as widely as you can. I started literally with clients in my village. I now regularly work with clients all over the world.

I'd be bloody annoyed at your husbands attitude, high earner or not it's not a wife's jobs to remove all domestic issues from his life.

Do something that fulfills you because his attitude will wear down your self esteem darn fast.

Why not just carry on as you are for say a couple of years and then get a job.

Keep looking for a job and try volunteering e.g in school, library or something that uses your skills knowledge or experience. Consider adult education in person if possible.

As my username suggests I didn't go back to work when my children started school. School holidays are one of the hardest things to juggle so you need to consider that because it rolls round every 6-7 weeks and then there are the summer holidays to cover. In total about 13 weeks plus inset days. Look into what is available, the after school club might cover holidays but it might also get completely booked up.

I thrived as a SAHM but not everyone wants it or loves it. The house ran really well because I had time and Dh's attitude was always great. He loves cooking so happily made dinners and lunches on weekends. He was a full hands on Dad, never shirked any responsibility and did not see parenting as only something I did. He was up in the mornings, we did the breakfast stuff together.

The biggest things to consider are, savings in your own name rather than wherever your Dh put them and pension, pension, pension. You can get a SIPP that the government tops up so even if you are intending to return to work get that ball rolling now in case it doesn't pan out for a bit. Access to all finances too, you are not a child putting your hand out for an allowance. You are an adult, just like your Dh and he won't ask you about spending money when he spends it.

But stop feeling guilty about being a SAHM. You may not contribute financially right now but you are contributing to the house in a lot of ways. People happily pay for a cleaner, that is considered normal.

Your DH attitude sounds awful, I don't know how you can be with someone like that. Such a lack of respect. You don't have to feel guilty about being a SAHM but do consider what you want from the rest of your life outside of being a parent, doesn't have to be work but could be volunteering or something creative.

I enjoyed the early years at home as a SAHM but then we moved house and I worked hard at meeting people and building a social life. DH isn’t a high earner by any stretch.

DC is 17 now and I’m still unemployed but taking my tiny works pension. I’m probably unemployable as my IT skills are massively out of date and I’m too old to start afresh.

With the benefit of hindsight, I should have made more effort to get a job when DC started school. We’re really struggling financially as DH is retired and on a minimum pension. There’s no way we can financially support DC to go to Uni (housing costs alone are ridiculous) so I’m hoping they’ll choose to get a job instead. I’ll have to have that conversation with them soon. 😢

If you really want to work, keep up the job applications and widening your network. The employment market is tough but something will come up. Consider using your free time for relevant courses and volunteering. You could also get your daughter into some extracurriculars rather than after school care - this is a good opportunity for her to develop more specific skills like swimming, dance and ball skills, while you have the time to do the ferrying around.

My youngest has also just started reception and I'm very happy remaining as a sahm. But then I've always maintained my interests beyond work and family, so I have plenty of things outside of work to keep me busy and engaged (a performing role coming up next year, and an OU Masters). Work is not the only way to build your identity and self-esteem.

You are contributing - running a home is a necessary part of family life. But for your own self worth and frankly for the intellectual stimulation, I would keep looking for work. Work is not just about money or contribution.

I would be really annoyed at my husband for wanting me to stay at home so that he had his dinner made, though. I find that attitude sexist and old-fashioned.

I would be a bit worried that the combination of living with an adult who is ‘a bit chauvinistic’ and a woman he has outsourced all domestic and childcare chores to isn’t a great combo when it comes to showing your daughter what she should expect from relationships and life in general in future.

I understand others will disagree as in some ways it’s ’lucky’ you don’t have to work, but his reasoning for you remaining a SAHM feels sexist and about his life being made easier rather than someone making a joint decision with a partner they see as an equal.

That alone would make me want to get at least a part time job I think. You sound like a lovely and kind mum, just some things to think about.

I felt like this but the way things have turned out is that mine has loads of sports and extras. Me being at home means that I family time on weekends is protected, we aren’t doing loads of chores etc, DH would be happy either way and I think he’s just happy that we are happy. We are fine for money so thats not an issue. The one thing is though is if you need to work for yourself. I’ve been a SAHM for a while and I would say being out of work for so long has massive downsides for your own security, people talk about intellectual stimulation but a lot of people aren’t actually stretched at work, some people do extremely challenging things but you can absolutely achieve that when not working too.

I would say have a hard think about what your life looks like if you go back to work vs stay at home. Yes the family life is important but how you specifically will feel about it because how worthy your life feels to you is extremely important.

I would also say though, DH still shares the bathtimes, he does most bedtimes and on the weekends he makes breakfast. When he’s not here I do as much as I can BUT on weekends and holidays we share the load. If he pulls his weight on the weekends and evenings then yeah it’s fine, if he doesn’t you’ll start really resenting it.

Maybe you could volunteer? If you don’t need the money, worthy causes depend on people like you! 🤩

I don’t think you feel guilty, I think you feel unfulfilled. I’d ignore the DH’s comments which aren’t very supportive, of course he’d like you on hand at home…you’re at a new exciting stage, channel that into focussing on what you could do next.

Exactly this. Prioritise getting a job. Your DH will just have to learn to cook and to deal with you sometimes being preoccupied with work, the poor chauvinistic love.

It is frankly incredible to me how many SAHMs on here (not the OP) say ‘Oh, my Dave prefers me being a SAHM’ as though it’s a good thing, when it usually means ‘I can’t be arsed being an equal parent and doing housework.’

We’re at the other end of things now and facing retirement. I’ve mostly worked part time but I have massive regrets not saving more for a pension. The money invested early is what grows long term I’ve realised.
I would look for something.
Also although your DH is in a well paid job there is always a chance life can throw a massive curve ball and a second salary coming in can be a lifesaver (speaking from bitter experience)

I love being a SAHM. Absolutely love it. No guilt. But, I worked FT as a single parent for nearly a decade, now have 3, have elderly / disabled parents who need a lot, 4 pets and a couple of very time consuming hobbies. I’m nearly 50 and my youngest is 6, so perhaps I need the rest, too!

I also have a hands on DH who wfh, pulls his weight with the kids and would be just as happy with me working again - probably we’d outsource the stuff no one likes doing.

It doesn’t sound like guilt to me, it sounds like resentment at being expected to carry the entire weight of the family and boredom. In your shoes with one DC I’d get a job and use the income on making my life easier and more enjoyable.

Maybe you aren't a full-time mother any more, but you're still a full-time housekeeper, by the sound of it. I think that's of value to your household.

TBH I would hate being in this position. I have loved being part time and having time with young children but just drifting around defined by what I do for the family would feel aimless to me. Is there anything in the volunteering or retraining directions that you would enjoy?