Wedding gift etiquette

[WhatWeddingGift]

DH and I are off to the wedding of one of his good friends soon. We’re all late 30s. The invite has the fairly standard ‘we don’t need any gifts but you can contribute to our honeymoon if you’d like’ and then gives their bank details.

We have two kids and consider ourselves to be fairly comfortably off, with combined salaries of around £100k. We rarely go on holiday, and when we do it’s usually camping. The couple getting married earn approximately double this and have no dependents. They go on several holidays a year, so I’m sure they can comfortably afford a honeymoon.

What should we give for their gift? Not giving anything seems a bit mean, but giving money seems a bit ridiculous given the difference in finances. If money, then how much? I’m unsure of the etiquette here.

Miserable

That’s our baseline for non family/close friends. We haven’t given less than that in 30 odd years.

DD got married a few years ago, and I believe she said that was a pretty typical gift.

Then you must mix in extraordinarily privileged circles.

That's the norm for Irish weddings

Yes all my weddings are either Ireland or a major metropolitan city in the US.

We are normal working class people, as are all of our Irish relatives. Some of DH’s US family are very wealthy. So we’re not privileged at all.

I know. Whenever there is a wedding gift thread it’s always inundated with people explaining that people give hundreds of pounds as wedding gifts. It is ludicrous and I feel for the people who attend lots of weddings and don’t get married themselves. The madness should never have been allowed to take hold.

You are privileged if you can afford £200 minimum for wedding presents.

@Mathair2 My DDs invitations went out in June for a November wedding. No honeymoon organised and not asking for money for one. But it wouldn’t have been paid for in June. DD and partner have amalgamated their homes so have too much of nearly everything, so what’s the point of even more? They have asked guests to contribute to a gift if they wish and there’s a link to the list on the electronic invitation, as there is for food and drink choices. Various price points available for a present. However they don’t need any more “stuff”. I suspect most will get something off the list but I don’t want to scoop up gifts at the venue so hoping that doesn’t happen. Cash in a card would be a nightmare.

Yes I suppose, but I guess I meant that we don’t have fancy jobs or careers or inheritances! My husband worked on a construction job and I do childcare, so just regular people attending the weddings of similar people.

I never give money.
Depending on their style I buy a silver picture frame or if they like antiques/ vintage I buy a canteen of cutlery.

If I'm honest I like a wedding list at John Lewis.

That’s quite an American concept

But why would you do this if the couple had asked for contributions towards a honeymoon for example? I literally don’t know anyone who has silver picture frames or would use an antique canteen of cutlery. So why would you potentially waste your money on something that may sit in a cupboard or be donated to charity/given away? Not trying to be provocative, I’m genuinely curious!

£100 but I would transfer it rather than put in a card in case it gets lost.

@livvymc I think it's rude to ask for money.

If they don't like the gift they can eBay it.
I'm currently buying my sons friend's wedding gifts. He grew up with them all and they haven't asked for cash. They live in traditional houses.
Perhaps it's a public school thing but I've never had anything other than thanks (plus I know through their mother's if they would appreciate it). Our friends are still married or sworn off it forever!! I'm not going to the weddings, it's just a gift.

A canteen of cutlery??? God no! Also why would anyone be so rude as to give unwanted gifts and then be ok with the couple selling them on eBay ? And why should the couple go to all that faff because the guest is rude? I’d not bother to see anyone again that did that. Why isn’t gifting about pleasing the recipient? People giving a canteen of cutlery clearly don’t care and just do what they want. I’d probably leave it on their doorstep!

Cash is way too risky! I’m sure they would be happy with bank transfer then you can just bring a card to the wedding

Just give what you want and can comfortably afford

@Dorothyperky What are traditional houses? You mean they haven’t reached the 21st century yet? Or the have a Victorian house and have Victorian values?

Oh for gods sake 😂😂

I mean this genuinely, but why do you (the Irish) do it? Why do working class people gift such an insane amount of money as a gift, and if it not extremely harsh on those who attend weddings but don’t get married?

I don’t think I have ever considered it an insane amount of money. Maybe it’s just what people have become accustomed to over time. I’ve honestly never heard anyone lament about the cost of the gift. They’re more inclined to moan about the cost of drinking for 10 hours (in Ireland, in the US the drink is free but weddings are very short here).

I'm not going to the weddings.
It's just a gift. Please actually read the post before you comment!
Fwiw not everyone uses stainless steel!

This is ridiculous. Why are posters being so nasty ? I'm not going to the weddings!
If I give a gift I check first.
These are upper middle class families with money. They don't buy their home wares at IKEA.

Thanks all. I have no problem with giving wedding gifts usually, but there was just something that jarred with me about asking for money for something specific that they’d probably already booked and paid for and can clearly comfortably afford. If gifts hadn’t been mentioned I’d happily put £100 in the card, so will stick with that.

Usually give the coat of the dinner.

And lovely idea to the food bank.