How to manage plans with a friend whose ADHD affects reliability

[NotPerfectlyAdverage]

My friend has got quite bad ADHD so I'm fairly used to this. They arranged a meet up with me. Suggested the date and said it would go into the diary. She is great fun and I enjoy her company. Quite scatty.

The only day I don't work we arrange to meet up. The day rolls around on Friday. No time has been set so I chase her up. She is busy. Hasn't thought to tell me she has had a emergency. It was my one day off and I had put it aside for her.

I know it's the ADHD. I should have confirmed a time with her on Thursday evening. Normally if she was just scatty I'd let the friendship slide but I know she can't help it.

What's best way of dealing with this going forward? My free time is precious

Knowing she might be like this with plans, maybe have a loose back up option that you can do on your own so you’re not wasting the day. However, this recent episode maybe was a genuine emergency and if she was stressed/ busy you possibly slipped her mind. Difficult to say depending on the emergency. If my child had been admitted to hospital, for example, I might be focused on that and forget everything else.

I used to have a policy with all friends that I’d get in touch a few days ahead just to check in if the plans were still on.

saved me a lot of hassle.

i’d suggest that. Emergencies obviously still happen but reminding in advance means either they remember and meet up or get back to you that can no longer do it and you can make plans a few days in advance.

I always confirm the day before with my scatty friends and relatives. Sometimes several days before and again that morning if it's important (like theatre tickets etc)

They mean to come, they honestly do. But 'Stuff' keeps getting in the way.

I have ADHD and you have to be very militant with your organisation. I don't understand why people who have these issues don't use their phone calendar for this very reason? Pretty much everyone has an electronic device in some form these days.

I used to be a mess up in my 20s but I soon learned you cannot treat people this way and started putting everything in with multiple alarms and multiple reminders leading up to any event or appointment or any task reminder.

I just think some people don't want to take any responsibility for themselves. I'd call her out on it tbh. Ask her to use her phone calendar in future.

If I ever have an emergency or am ill, I try to give people as much notice as possible otherwise it's just not fair.

I am this friend. All the reminders and calendar entries in the world don’t stop me from accidentally double booking myself or completely forgetting on the day of. I’ll remember every day leading up to it, and fully intend to keep my word, but there’s a block in my brain sometimes that just doesn’t make it over the final hurdle.

If it helps, she’ll be feeling mortified, ashamed and frustrated with herself, which may then prevent her from reaching out to rearrange. If you like her and value her friendship then please continue to give her some grace, let her know that you understand and that it will be lovely to see her when she’s next free. Maybe don’t reserve a whole day for her, so that it isn’t a waste when you end up doing something else? A couple of my friends are very similar and between the lot of us we can struggle to make any concrete plans, but lowering expectations and being flexible help a lot! I have vague plans to meet one of them today but I know there’s a fighting chance that she’ll have forgotten, double booked me or will be having a nap when I text to remind her! For me cancelled plans are a bonus so maybe reframe a cancelled plan as an opportunity to relax.

How does a calendar reminder not stop you from double booking? Don't you check that day first to see if you are free. Try get into the habit of putting it into your calendar as you are making the arrangement. Or text yourself it. I don't see how it can't stop you with multiple reminders?

Lol

i listened to all my daughters alarms yesterday, we both play at church in the band.

first alarm went off 7am, next alarm 7:30 next alarm 7:40 next alarm 7:50.

she slept through them all. Not unusual for her.

she has adhd.

a nuclear war would not wake her up.

I think this friendship would fizzle out to be honest. Sad but who has the time and energy to deal with this.

I forget in between picking up my phone and entering it in the calendar! I pick up my phone and I’ve forgotten before I can enter it. Or the reminder goes off and I have forgotten again in seconds.

I have adhd. I really struggle with day to day organisation. However, I bend over backwards to ensure that this doesn't affect other people, because it isn't their problem.

ADHD doesn't give anyone a free pass to be flakey or to let others down.

There are so many steps to entering the thing in the calendar. So much mental processing. Managing those steps whilst also having a conversation, and also remembering everything involved, is often beyond me

I also have ADHD. Also have to be extra vigilant to not double book or run late. Have friends with ADHD who constantly let me down with plans and showing up ridiculously late. I actually don’t think ADHD is an excuse for wasting other people’s time. It’s just rude. Yes, it will be harder for you than others to make sure you don’t double book or show up late, but you do it.

I would probably stop arranging things with a friend like that if they continually cancelled on/forgot about me as I'd assume they didn't actually want to hang out.

I have AuDHD and limited sympathy for your friend here. Yes it can be harder as a neurodivergent person to keep appointments but it’s perfectly possible if you care enough to create a system that works for you.

This. Or I enter it for the following week, or I get notification fatigue where I have so many reminders that I dismiss them thinking I know what it’s for and then only later when the actual notification goes off so I realise that was for something else.

I have 3 different medications that have to be taken at different times of day, a job that has different shift times on a Sunday, Monday and Friday, another job Friday & Saturday, a partner who has his DC every other weekend and some weeknights, so my “routines” are not routine at all.

Throw in a few deliveries (must be home at 6pm for the shopping delivery) etc a reminder to buy, write and then post a birthday card, which I’ll set for a week before the persons birthday, texts or WhatsApps coming in, and my phone notifications could be dinging at me all day long. It just doesn’t work as I just cannot pay attention to all of them.

Do you have your calendar app as a widget on your phone? Mine is on the front screen and I click the big + button then you just add in the details and click save and it's done. The widget also shows upcoming events and I will look at the calendar periodically to remind myself what I've got coming up that week/next week.

TBF, I do manage not to inconvenience others. If I do, it is very rare and I would be hugely apologetic

Wasting other people’s time, turning up late or continually forgetting a meet up is just rude and gives the impression that the person who you have let down’s time isn’t as valuable as yours. I wouldn’t continue to make any further arrangements, friendship is a two way street and both parties have to make equal effort to maintain it.

I don’t do well with technology and don’t know what a widget is. But I can probably get my dc to do this. I’m not old! Just have a bit of a mental block with it! Plus my storage and cloud are full so can’t currently enter things in the calendar!

Not derailing the thread though!

Difficult to say never having met your friend, no two people with ADHD are the same and it affects different people differently so a strategy that works perfectly for one might not help another.

I have ADHD and am now medicated. Does she work?
I had a friend like this who would leave me sitting in a cafe for 40 minutes before I chased her up and I’d get some excuse. She never missed anything for other people. The friendship drifted as a result.
I always message the day before and then on the morning to check they are still coming. If it was a genuine emergrncy I’d met it go but if it keeps happening I’d ask what she’s adding to your life. We wouldn’t accept it from our dentist, GP, hairdresser, dog walker or anyone else so I don’t accept it from others unless there’s a very good reason and is rare.
I’m meeting my ADHD friend tomorrow. I’ll message her tomorrow evening to ask if she still wants to meet up then check in the morning and confirm the place.
ADHD requires finding a system that works. My 17yo and 19yo haven’t found it yet but a fully fledged adult should have found a way even if it’s asking you to remind her. If she’s the same with everything and everyone I might be more lenient but I have a low tolerance and autism that makes me very rule bound so I’d probably not make further plans.
Time is precious and people who don’t respect my time don’t get any of it.

The alarms and reminders don’t work for everyone hence finding a way that does. An old fashioned bell alarm clock isn’t going to be slept through, or unlikely. Phone alarms are too musical to get through. A gong is my recommendation for teenagers 😂

Sorry but all the calendars etc don't work for me either tried and failed..I'm good with an hour's notice and will be there...ask me days or weeks before and nah no chance lol

She needs louder alarms! 😆 I can hear mine through my ear plugs.

But I actually meant alarms as in calendar reminders with noise alerts.

I just think this part of the disability stresses me out so much if everything goes to shit, I have no choice but to make sure I do it. Because my life isn't worth living if I don't. I arent medicated so I have to utilise the things I do have. And it works very well.

How on earth do you make plans or stick to appointments? Do most people want to do things with an hours notice? I'm lucky to get people to get people to meet up in a couple of weeks, everyone is busy now!

What I do is (and my friends and family know I will do this as I've explained why I need to do) is I will just say can I just put that in my calendar before we resume the conversation and it only takes me less than
20 seconds really. I have a default reminders of 1 week ahead, 1 day ahead, 1 hour ahead and ten mins ahead which helps. They don't mind me doing this because now it means I don't eff up all my meet ups or appointments. 🤣🤣🤣