Is it worth trying to prove cheating in a divorce?

[IRememberWhenThisWasAllFieldsAndCakePunching]

It’s a long one, so buckle up…

80 year old FIL disappeared overnight this year, leaving 75 year old MIL, their son and grandson very distressed. It became apparent over the following month of limited communication that he was leaving her. All sorts of lies started coming out of the woodwork, and I mean ALL sorts.

we have discovered that he is living with MIL’s best friend around three hours away. They have been spotted holding hands etc. he has been on holiday with her twice. He will not tell us where he is living or who with, but we know he is with her.

he wishes to sell their house, divorce and move on. MIL is frantic because, once various things have been taken in to account, a 50/50 split will leave her with less than £100k, meaning she will not be able to buy somewhere and renting is very difficult with the three big dogs they bought together but he has left her with.

We know adultery isn’t a thing for divorces anymore, but her solicitor has told her it isn’t worth trying to prove it at all. She can’t afford a solicitor really, and has taken advice from a couple over the last few months with their free consultations and has found that their advice on the same topic can vary.

What I am asking is - is it worth gathering evidence that he is living in a relationship? Will it affect the financial split if it goes before a judge? MIL needs 60/40 really, or 70/30, but it would involved regular travel on a six hour round trip.

I would happily do it, he’s repulsed me, damaged my son and my partner and really disrupted our lives because MIL relies heavily on us now. I would love to wreak havoc and see him lose out financially, but if it isn’t going to make a material difference, I can’t really warrant the diesel expense!

Most likely not. Why should it matter?

Seek legal advice

I am not a legal expert.

But there is no law in separating and starting a relationship with someone else.

I guess she may be able to claim more if she could prove he had an affair - but how would you prove this and how much would it cost?

I wonder if the cost would end up eating away her money and there’s no guarantee that it would end in her having any more than 50/50.

I would ask for more because he’s chosen to move out etc and already has somewhere to live etc but I don’t know if they’ll accept it.

Often people only get more in a divorce if they have dependents to house.

The short answer is- no.

An affair makes no difference to the financial settlement, it is all no fault divorce now and so she is not going to get any extra money for being cheated on.

Living in a relationship wouldn’t impact the finances either UNLESS he has bought into a house with this woman for example because otherwise he could be kicked out any time so would also need enough to house himself.

No.

it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever

not worth doing

I wouldn't bother. Your MIL has no dependents so it's likely to be a 50/50 split unless there was any ring fencing of assets when they bought the house.

Sadly it's going to be very difficult for her to rehouse herself if she wants to keep the dogs. Can she even manage them alone?

Proving adultery will make no difference. The fact that he is living with someone may make a difference to the respective ‘needs’ that are considered in the financial settlement, as his new household may have two (or more) pensions coming and the court may rule that MIL’s needs mean she is entitled to more than 50%.

I think that is more what I mean, I know the adultery doesn’t make a difference, but the financial need thing. The house he is living in, for example, has no mortgage.

I know it probably doesn’t really make a difference, I just feel so sorry for her.

I'd refuse to leave and refuse a divorce by just doing nothing, let him and his fancy lady do all the hard work out of their own time and pockets, , let them stew.

I think this is the best advice. She should delay and delay for as long as possible at every stage. Say Yes Dear and then do nothing.

Let Karma takes it's course but get all hers and his paperwork together so you've got an idea of all the debts and assets. If they have any joint bank accounts she needs to withdraw her share and open her own account.

It may have no mortgage but presumably it is also not his house, he has no right to it or money in it, he could be sent packing tomorrow. That’s the argument I’d be making in court if I was his solicitor, the reality of the situation is no different to if he were sleeping at a male friend’s house- it could change any time and he has no security, he needs to be capable of housing himself just the same as she does.

No, it won’t make a difference but if he is seen as housed it may make a difference to the financial split.

No it makes no difference. And unless he part owns the new home he’s living in that makes no difference either.

She wouldn’t get a bigger split if he’s living in a house owned by someone else.

what other things are in his name that are marital assets? Does he have money in a pension, car, any other property, shares, Ernie bonds etc anything of value that can be used to make walking away without the house feasible

all marital assets are added up then split according to what the judge deems necessary

A judge wants to make sure each party has a roof over their head and enough money to pay bills.
If FIL is moving in with other woman then it could be argued that he has a roof over his head and it could be argued that renting at your mothers age if the property had to be split could be hard given that there are dogs to consider.
The house could be split 50/50 60/40 on paper but mil lives out her days there and the property is only sold and fil receives his share if he outlives her. Although judges now like a clean break. Or he gets to keep his pension in exchange for a lesser percentage of the house

Whilst cheating won’t make much of a difference to the financials. Him having a ready made roof over his head after divorce might swing the extra percentage mil needs,

I wish her good luck and a good solicitor or someone who reads the laws and interprets them in her favour (friends now exh thought it was so simple.
He owned everything. Friend owned nothing therefore friend would leave with nothing.
He forgot that marriage was a legal contract that meant it didn’t matter whose name was on the deeds of the house or the ownership of the car or business or pension account. It was all considered marital assets

Has he started the Divorce proceedings yet OP?

Has he actually moved out and taken all his stuff, has he still got keys to the house

The financial part is relevant. He'll be asked if he's planning on living with a partner in the next 6 months. So if you can prove he is, if he won't admit it, then that will help. But it's no fault divorce these days.

what a shitty man.

80 years old! They just never stop, do they? Disgusting. Your poor MiL.

ime that last paragraph is incorrect.

as long as he is housed, then a court won’t force her to sell if it leaves her with no way to house herself.

when dh split with his ex the court ordered him to sign the house over to her, because he had somewhere to live (with his parents) and she couldn’t afford to buy him out. She also couldn’t afford to sell and rent/buy anywhere else.

there was absolutely no consideration given to whether his housing was permanent or not. If they did, then that would mean women having to give up family homes as most will not sell to provide enough equity for two people to buy.

No, my ex tried accusing me of an affair. It soon petered out when he learned it wouldn’t swing things in his favour. Then he switched to accusing me of alienation instead.

He will be asked but he can quite easily say he is currently staying with partner pending financial settlement to enable him to house himself. Lots and lots of people end up staying with family, friends, even new partners etc while going through divorce and awaiting financial settlement to allow them to once again house themselves.

The distinct difference is in your post “family homes”, it is absolutely a different situation where there are children & dependents involved and being housed.

he has applied for divorce and MIL is currently filling in her finance forms for mediation. It was one of the questions on that, mentioned above, about whether you are living with someone or planning on living with someone in the next six months that made us think it could be important. you’re right though, he could just be living with her until the divorce.

in terms of assets, neither has any savings, pensions are less than £1500 a month each. No fancy cars, no bonds, no investments, just a £300k house worth £200k after they’ve paid off the equity release, then split 50/50, and three dogs she adores but he abandoned, too. He cheated on her with her best friend and gets to walk away Scot free, living in his new ready made family, who he is currently on holiday here with (we live in a tourist hotspot that his new missus lives.) him, her, her sister and her sisters kids and grandchildren.

I am ranting a bit, but he is a grade A dickhead.

Definitely have a few mediation sessions too…that’ll add some time to it.

And visits to the GP for stress, anxiety, disturbed sleep, fear for the future. Does her "friend" know you all know.