How do I face my family after this? How do I live with the shame?

[Pizzie]

Last year, I did something towards an extended family member that I am deeply ashamed of. There is no excuse for what I did and I have spent a long time regretting it and hurting her the way I did. It wasn't physical abuse from me but still. I eventually admitted what I done to the person involved and apologised sincerely.

My family, however, did not know the truth. At the time, I wasn't emotionally ready to tell them. I was working towards being honest with them in my own time, when I felt capable of having that conversation myself.

Unfortunately, someone who is an ex friend for more than a decade, identified me from online on a different site, found a vulnerable post I had written online while trying to work through the situation. This is someone with whom there has been a very long and painful history and someone I believe has remained extremely bitter towards me. Our falling out was different to the situation above. This person is just a drama queen and she can't cope with anything beyond herself and her own emotions and ego.
She identified me from the post, printed it, and sent it to members of my family.

So now the conversation I had been trying to prepare myself for has effectively been forced upon me.

What I am struggling with is the fact that I wanted to tell my family myself, after having time to process what I had done and find the courage to be honest.
Instead, someone else took something I had written when I was vulnerable and exposed it to them.

I am now facing a very difficult conversation with my family, and I am absolutely terrified.

I feel ashamed, overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.

I suppose what I am looking for is some perspective from people who have had to admit something they deeply regret to their family. How did you find the courage to have that conversation? How did you cope with the shame afterwards?

I know I cannot undo what I did. I just want to find a way through this honestly and hopefully eventually find some peace.

It really does depend on what you did.

It depends what you did.

As above, did you defraud her, steal from her, lie about her?

As above, it really depends on what you actually did. So many variables.

You’re going to have to face up to your actions whether you now regret them or not.

As pp said, it really does depend on what you did.

You sound very sincere. I’m sure your family, as they love you, will eventually get over it after processing it and their disappointment/ shock at you actions. Just accept full accountability and don’t make excuses. It’s time to face the music.

I find getting things into perspective in private helps when I feel really bad about something which is going on. The world is still turning with its seasons and its huge events and will continue to do so. Your bad feeling won’t last forever.

What did you do?

This is all very cryptic OP - it’s hard to advise without knowing what you did.

Does your family now know what you did, having received a copy of your vulnerable post from your bitter ex friend?

It was last year. When exactly were you planning to come clean?

So you did X thing which hurt a relative. You apologised to her, but you didn’t tell your closer family what you’d done, and neither did she.

Is that right?

Someone else has told them, using your own words which presumably show how troubled you were about the situation.

It’s faster than you were ready for, but is it that bad? It’s honest, were you planning on trying to spin it to look better?

Yep it depends on what you did.

I remember seeing something with Jimmy Carr on when he was being asked about the financial irregularities/tax mess scandal. He had an episode of 8 out of 10 cats to film a few days later and he said his agent gave him the best advice, told him not to try to defend himself or justify his actions. Just take the insults and say “yep, fair enough.” I remember seeing that programme and he said something like “well in my defence, actually, I’ve not got anything.” Which I remember being a great way to handle it.

Obviously your situation is very different, but without knowing what you did, the general advice stands- don’t try to defend the indefensible. Just accept the insults and the comments. Don’t try to justify. Say you are sorry.

(edited to deal with the mountain of typos)

Has the person been able to recover from what you did, or was there lasting detrimental impact like losing a significant relationship or job or house?

Be truthful. Be open to answering questions. There's nothing on earth that hasn't been done before. One day this will be a distant memory but you have to show your family that you truly are ashamed and contrite.

Is there someone in your family who you trust, is calm and level headed and who is trusted / respected by other family members too? If so, talk to them and say you want to address it with everyone but don’t know the best way.

Otherwise, write to them all, say yes, what they say is true, you did a horrible thing, you are very ashamed and very sorry.

Say you know you cannot repair the hurt but that you had already admitted your actions and apologised to the victim … xx months ago, and was preparing to tell the rest of the family.

Just be honest. Say you are sorry they have been caught up in the drama of this other person sending them the letter, but that it is true, and you are damaged and sorry.

Don’t include any ‘’But’ this or that .

I hope it all works out.

I was deliberately not giving details for anonymonity and I was asking people to respond more to topic of confession and shame.

I sent a massive insult that was utterly utterly utterly dark anonymously and it was traced to me. The relationship is that the other person cut all contact.

You sent an insult? Are you over reacting?

Whateve you've done, if someone is stalking you to the extent the person who 'spilled the beans' seems to be, you need to deal with that as a priority.

I was deliberately not giving details for anonymonity and I was asking people to respond more to topic of confession and shame.

Don't think that is a reasonable ask, TBH, especially when you are reluctant to share what you did.

You obviously haven't learned anything from it

How did ex friend recognise the situation you wrote about online if you hadn't had contact for 10 years?

i think with these things it’s better to own it and face it head on. It will hurt and be difficult and you will feel all your feelings but it’s the only way to move forwards and you might in the slightly longer run feel better. Good luck op.

My guess is you tweeted something to them, or some other form of social media like reddit. Your enemy recognised your nickname on something like reddit, found your post on twitter and then outed you. Pretty shit thing to do.

It's better to front it now and rip the plaster off.

That was horrible if you OP. Which you know.

in a strange way, your ex friend may have done you a favour - giving them the heads up and giving you the push to speak with them (it’s pretty awful that you’ve left this a year).

all I can suggest is a message to say you realise they’ve received the note and that you’re ashamed to admit it’s true. You’d like to visit to chat it through and clear the air if they are prepared to forgive you.

by taking this long, you’ve made it harder for yourself. Don’t delay any more.

Look, you were going to ‘fess up anyway, weren’t you? I think you have to just get on with it - tell your family members that you have been screwing up your courage to tell them, but that someone else unkindly broadcast your actions before you had the chance. That you feel so very embarrassed and ashamed of what you did, and that was why it had taken you so long to speak up. But you are doing so now.

if your family love you and care about you, they will no doubt be surprised, maybe shocked etc but they will get over it.

You call the other friend a drama queen, yet she backed away from you because of how you are.

I think your the drama queen but have come to see that now and want to change it.
I dont know what you have done but it must have bloody hurt that person.
Sometimes sorry just dosnt do it, what others say about us dont really matter but when its said by someone we care about, it hurts more.

Ive been where your friend is and i cut all contact because i just knew all the sorrys just did not cut what she had done.

You cant even be honest on here about it no point in hiding the truth when the truth is already out.