Very intense acquaintance - how do I let her down gently?

[theslowdown]

I live in a small town, where you can't avoid regularly bumping into people you know. When I first moved here, I rented a room from a woman who was away for most of the time I lived there. I've since moved into my own place, and she's returned full-time.

This woman is not a bad person – but she is very, very intense. I've never had a conversation with her, about anything, where she hasn't turned the chat (within a couple of minutes max) to her childhood trauma, how bad her mental health is, and what a struggle life is for her. I've also noticed she's very negative about people; I asked about her colleagues at her new job and she was incredibly patronising about them all, she complains about her neighbours and how useless they are (they're not; they were wonderful to me when I lived there), and she tells stories about her friends that cast her in a morally superior light and make them look a bit stupid.

On the flip side, she knows I've had a very hard run of things in my own life recently and always makes sure to say that if I ever need anything, she's happy to help, not to be scared to ask for errands to be run etc.

It feels like she's trying her best but finds life incredibly hard, and her trauma has become her whole personality, which means her kindness is drowned underneath it.

I always come away from our interactions completely drained and exhausted, so have very much kept her at arm's length since she returned to town. Of course I'll stop and chat for a bit if I see her in the street, and am always warm and friendly, but I never initiate conversation over whatsapp, or organise 1:1 time with her for anything.

On the other hand, I've also made some very good friends here, and we spend a lot of time together – out for walks in the park, cooking together, running errands together.

She's seen this, and has now sent me a long text message saying she feels 'left out' and 'ostracised' by us, and doesn't understand why we aren't friends when she thought we were.

How do I tackle this without a) hurting her feelings terribly, and b) making things incredibly awkward? I really don't want to be harsh or mean, but I'm also clear that I just can't have her in my life any more than she already is.

Oof. Tricky one.
A neutral non reply?

Sorry you feel that way. I will always have time for a quick chat but I don't extend invites where I am not the organiser and I am often spinning plates timewise.

Or if you think that will just cause more interaction, you might have to block/ghost but small town means likely to see again.

Oh God how difficult. Well, you need to avoid getting into a long back and forth with her. I'd suggest leaving it a few days to respond (say you've been busy).

She's going to be hurt whatever and it will be awkward (unless you start spending lots of time listening to her woes, which sounds like a bad idea). It is tempting just not to respond to her at all, but of course that would be hurtful too.

If you do respond, keep it short and vague. Maybe 'Hi X, sorry you feel like that! As you know, I've had a hard time recently and have been focusing on keeping it positive, and Y and Z have been great at helping me with that. Hope you're doing OK xxx"

@SummerNocturnal @JoanOgden thanks - it's a relief somehow that it feels tricky to you, too!

I'd hope that a breezy, vague reply would work, but every time I try to write one I'm finding myself analysing every word in case it gets misinterpreted somehow (as I expect it probably will) or sparks more questioning. On the other hand, being really frank and honest just feels cruel.

I do feel sad for her, as I know she carries a lot of negative thoughts about herself and I think she experiences people keeping her at arms length quite a lot, but I have to keep reminding myself that that doesn't make it my responsibility...

I would keep it neutral and not engaged with open ended questions. You are not her therapist, you don't owe her anything.

Go with this ⬆️

Unfortunately I've been on the receiving end of similar and I appreciate how draining it becomes.

You become torn between trying to make them feel 'better' at the same time as dealing with your own life. Then you start to feel obligated and responsible for them.

Having said this, she is obviously looking to 'fill a void' in her life.

One idea is to suggest she starts going to some local groups in the area? Or volunteering somewhere?

Does she have family?

I would say that you have lots of friends who you do different things with and leave it at that.

I wouldn't get into long explanations with her. It'll make things worse if you try to justify yourself (as if you've done something wrong, when you clearly haven't ".

You could just respond"ok"

Or "thanks for letting me know ".

Whatever you say, it'll not be"right" in her mind

That can be hard in a small town - impossible to just avoid her!

How about something like…..

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad. I’ve made a lot of friends since moving here, and I don’t invite everybody to every occasion. Sometimes smaller groups work better, or I need different dynamics for my own wellbeing. I’m always happy to stop for a quick chat, but I can’t offer you more than that so I would really encourage you to join more social groups and find the people that will be more able to give you the kind of close friendship I think you’re looking for.

She doesn't sound kind, she sounds like a bitch. She's using the trauma to gain sympathy whilst being downright nasty about others.

I agree with @Changeisstillpossible and pps. I wouldn’t get into a discussion. If she thinks you’re friends, and that therefore you ‘owe’ her invitations to activities with people who barely know her, she sounds quite deluded. Saying ‘Look, Angela, I barely know you’ is only going to invite more engagement.

Just bear in mind that if she's bad-mouthing about all and sundry to you, she's probably saying much the same to all and sundry about you.

@SaraHoliday - she seems to be very busy, so I don't think she's lacking activities to take part in or friends 'per se'. None here in this town, though – which I think might have something to do with why she's feeling left out in this situation. She doesn't have family she's in touch with, no.

@Pootles34 that probably says more about the way I've written my post than about her, to be honest. You can never capture the entirety of a person in a post like this – so I've kept it to the facts most relevant to my situation. But you're right, a lot of her behaviour isn't pleasant, which is why I feel the way I feel. At the same time I understand why she's behaving the way she is, and I can see it's not driven by malice. 'Kind' or 'a bitch', I think it's more both-and rather than either-or, you know?

@PointedFirs ‘Look, Angela, I barely know you’ 😂that gave me a proper belly laugh 😂

Oh, very conscious of this – you're completely right.

This is a really tough situation, as people who are like this are impossible to be kind enough to - their kindness receptors are broken.

This woman is clearly very troubled, and life is hard for her precisely because she’s immune or numb to anything other people have to offer. No amount of kindness or care registers with her, so she keeps trying harder and harder to elicit more of it, feeling that the problem is that other people don’t realise the depth of her need, or they’re not giving enough, rather than a deficit in her own ability to take in and benefit from other people’s care.

This is a common problem for ND people who struggle with social communication, people with complex trauma arising from abuse or neglect, and people with ‘personality disorders’ (which is the diagnosis one often receives when one has hardwired deficits in social communication and theory of mind, combined with complex trauma).

There is not much point in expecting her to understand, sadly. Whatever you write back - however thoughtful and considered - will likely be experienced as a cruel rejection and a repetition of her life story of bad luck and ostracism.

Focus on doing the right thing by your own ethical standards, and let go of the hope that anything you do or say can reassure her or make her feel better.

It is very sad.

How does she see you ‘cooking together’ with other people?

I would be very vague and non-committal in your replies. Lots of friends/very busy etc

@VoltaireMittyDream that's a really thoughtful approach and way to understand the situation - there a couple of people in my life whose “kindness receptors are broken”, and that’s a really helpful way to look at it thank you.

Don't reply with any substance, just be sunny and brief.

"Of course we're friends Angela! It was lovely bumping into you in Tesco the other day. So good to see you looking well. Xx"

Don't promise anything, don't offer anything, just keep it light. The idea is to stop being a main character in her mind's story and become an extra. She'll move onto someone else.

I have an acquaintance like this that I am trying to shake off.

Digitally I just leave her on read for longer than I normally would and when I reply I make a joke at my own expense e.g. life busy/chaos/stress and keep it breezy (sometimes ignoring her questions)

In real life I do actively avoid her. If speaking is inevitable I say hello breezily and.have somewhere I need to be so can’t stop.

it has taken her 6 months to get the picture.

With regard to responding directly, I wouldn’t, just say it’s nothing personal, you just have a lot going on or something similar.

She didn't literally see us cooking with her eyes – she ran into one of my friends, who mentioned in passing that she'd just been at mine batch-cooking a curry.

She's seen that I spend a meaningful chunk of time with people other than her.

I’d reply oh I’m sorry to hear you feel that way. Have a good weekend.

nice and bland. I wouldn’t be explaining anything and if she replies anything other than you too to the above message if ignore her.

Just because you rented a room it doesn’t mean you need to be mates with this woman. It seems a bit intense.

I would just say you have different groups for different situations. Does she include you in all her plans?

She sounds exhausting however and the message she sent would make me less likely to involve her in plans.

Ugh, poor woman doesn't have the understanding to see what an awful thing that was to say. You can never tell the real problem is her because it seems too harsh. Some degree of honesty that shes overstepped feels needed too, I bet people just drop her the moment she behaves like this (why wouldn't they) and she never reslly understands why.

"Hi Mary, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling excluded. You haven't been actively excluded from anything - I have made plans with various people to do things on various occasions. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm always happy to bump into you and have a catch up, but really do not like the accusation that I've done something wrong by meeting friends of mine without you. Nonetheless, I hope things are well with you."

I would just say Hi As you know I have been through hard times recently, I have been advised to spend time with friends with a positive outlook on life for the sake of my mental health. At the moment I am actively avoiding stress.

Does she interact with your other friends in the town? If not that speaks volumes. Keep her at arms length, don’t share any more personal info with her than you have already . She sounds like the sort who thrives on using personal info as currency, feeding tittle tattle in the mistaken belief it will buy her friendship. Sad for her.

Absolutely agree with this. Friendly but entirely non-commital. I used something very similar with a yoga client (when I was a young, bendy yoga teacher!) who was clearly struggling and saw me as a full time port in the storm.

It’s a bit of a cliche but girls (and I’m assuming you’re female) really are brought up to be too amenable and helpful, and to feel guilty if we simply can’t provide the expected support. I suspect she would not be treating a male ex tenant/lodger in this way.