Was I wrong to borrow from my mum's account and repay it?

[Acaciagirl]

Hi,
im 46 divorced and spend a lot of time looking after my mum. She’s 80 and has some issues- mobility etc. she’s also getting confused over things- this being investigated.

I have power of attorney over her money and health. She has a property worth 300k ish mortgage free, about 200k saved and a very good monthly income,

I struggle financially and have, on occasions borrowed from mums account and then paid it back asap. I’ve not asked mum beforehand as she’d worry however I know that she would always help me.

I mentioned this to a friend who said that what I’ve done is terrible and that I should be ashamed. I feel awful now. I’ve never taken money with the intention of keeping it, I’ve only ever borrowed. How do I live with myself now.

I've seen too many cases of offspring of elderly parents using POA unethically. Often it starts with 'borrowing' small amounts of money but spirals from there into a free for all. Elderly parents with memory problems are very much a the mercy of people who help them. It's disgusting how they are taken advantage of. OP, it's good you've paid it all back. Please stick to the straight and narrow from here onward. Having POA for a love one is a sacred and important responsibility.

OP, you are not a suitable person to have POA over another person. As soon as you took the first loan without permission you became unsuitable. You should not continue to have POA. If there is no suitable family member or friend that can take over the role then the lawyer can do it.

No, that is allowed under the rules. What OP is doing is not allowed. She is using her mum's account for interest free loans.

I think if you pay it back its fine surely? I would not do so again and try to cope without(maybe you can speak to CAB or likewise for some help? I think if you write that you borrowed and paid back that would be acceptable .I used to have this for Mum ,one time I lost £100 from her pension(I think in the PO ) put this and it was never queried

I agree. I think we can use a little common sense here and see that this is totally different to actively stealing off an elderly person without paying it back. OP knows her mum would help her out if she was aware.

It’s not stealing as has been repaid.

It may technically be the wrong way to go about borrowing but it’s not stealing.

@Acaciagirl If your mum still has capacity and would have agreed to help you, then what you’ve done isn’t theft or fraud.

However, as her attorney you do have a legal duty to keep her money separate and only use it for her benefit unless she has explicitly authorised you to do otherwise.

The safest thing now is: • keep a clear record of every repayment • stop borrowing from her account going forward • talk to her (if she still has capacity) and get her permission in writing for any future help • if she no longer has capacity, then you must not borrow again
You’re not a terrible person, you’re someone under pressure who needs clearer boundaries, not shame.

I say this from someone who has lost an heritance twice by a family member abusing their Financial LPA.

But this to do with matters of law, not of culture.

OP, it doesn’t matter how honest or trustworthy you are, what you have been doing is abusing the PoA you have been granted.

Going forward, just to keep yourself right, don't do it. However no harm has been done, you've paid it all back.

I really wish people would take the time to understand their responsibilities when they agree to be a power of attorney, too many people use it as a power trip.

Well if your mom says take it, then at she has given you the permission to take it.
You can still repay her back into the account she won't stop you.

This way even if you are paying her back you dont have the permission to take it.

Do you have any siblings?

What's done is done, but just your mum for some help. If ever my children need help and I could help, I'd would in a heart beat.

Its abuse of POA. Its a terrible thing to do.

Unless of course your friend that you have confided in reports it.

This is wrong.
If your mum has mental capacity then you ask.
When i looked after my mum I asked before hand and also if I spent money id always have receipts for eg I spent over 500 at argos and that was to make downstairs into a room for her every penny had a receipt.
I could easily have taken money and repaid but as long as she has mental capacity you ask.... if she does not have mental capacity then you do not ask simple as!!

It isn’t a payment for being an attorney. It’s not an hourly rate, or in return for services.

It’s a payment from a mum to her daughter who is struggling to get by, with no commitment or requirement in return.

I'm very sorry to say this but Op should worry and it is an awful thing to have done. It's a breach of the fiduciary duties of an attorney and is a criminal matter and is a form of financial abuse along with it being moraly wrong.

For those saying ask your mum, Op cannot get permission from someone who does not have mental capacity.

To everyone saying "it's not stealing as it was repaid". So if someone stole your car from your driveway, then felt bad and came back and returned it - just to clarify, you wouldn't class it as theft because they returned the car?

And how does that alter the law? The mother does not have the capacity to gift and therefore cannot do so.

But she can't make that decision because she is not just her daughter, she is her attorney. She has to make decisions in her mother's best interests, and if she wants to receive gifts outside of the usual customary gift giving cycle, she has to get approval from the OPG. She has said that her mother did not customarily give her financial gifts, so she can't claim that this is her 'usual'.

Terrible person

You definitely shouldn't do that without asking her as it's abusing your power of attorney but if you just ask her then you could take it in good faith and just pay it back even if she says not to.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!!!

Has she said mum has lost capacity? She hadn’t at the point I commented.

Has she said mum has lost capacity? She hadn’t at the point I commented.