Was I wrong to borrow from my mum's account and repay it?

[Acaciagirl]

Hi,
im 46 divorced and spend a lot of time looking after my mum. She’s 80 and has some issues- mobility etc. she’s also getting confused over things- this being investigated.

I have power of attorney over her money and health. She has a property worth 300k ish mortgage free, about 200k saved and a very good monthly income,

I struggle financially and have, on occasions borrowed from mums account and then paid it back asap. I’ve not asked mum beforehand as she’d worry however I know that she would always help me.

I mentioned this to a friend who said that what I’ve done is terrible and that I should be ashamed. I feel awful now. I’ve never taken money with the intention of keeping it, I’ve only ever borrowed. How do I live with myself now.

I have poa for my Mum and I wouldn’t dream of borrowing anything from her. It’s wrong. I think you know that.
I get that it’s tempting but I’d never do it.

Be very careful. My friend was helping her dad sort his finances and was just helping him move money between accounts. The bank got overly suspicious that she was taking advantage of her dad (she wasn't) and she had the police arrive on her doorstep.

she isn’t asking for help?! She is literally taking from someone who doesn’t have capacity to consent to it hence the POA being in place.

its financial abuse. Just cos she is paying back what she stole doesn’t make the original act of theft right.

That’s great. Still doesn’t mean 2 things can’t be true at the same time. I don’t doubt op really cares for her mum, but what she did was also illegal.

To me it is stealing and I would never do this. If you were in a particularly tight spot you could and should ask instead. If at 46 you aren't in a great place financially you need to look at ways to improve your situation.

My dad used to regularly give my sibling & I money.

We didn't take it when we had poa.

He would of course have said yes as he had always done it.

That defence won't work in Court.

It is an abuse of the Power of Attorney position.
This is how it starts - small, pay it back, etc
Then next time it will be a bit more, etc
Dont be tempted to do it again

You are abusing your mum and putting yourself and her at risk. If someone found out, thought it was abuse and reported you, you could be punished for a serious crime. This would be bad for you and for your mum. Just get her permission to borrow/take it and then pay it back. There's nothing wrong with taking it with her knowledge and then paying it back even if she doesn't particularly want you to.

Also should your mum need to go into care, her finances could be checked. In this case, you would be found out and might be reported for your abuse.

I'll be in the minority but I don't think you should feel bad at all. If it really is true that your mum won't miss the money, that she has income to cover her needs, a roof over her head and there's no siblings or other beneficiaries then no one is getting hurt.

Yes, I know it's her money but by the sounds of it she won;t ever know or understand. Meanwhile, you are struggling and caring for her.

Let go of the guilt and ignore what others here are saying.

You knew you were doing something shady - that is why you didn't tell her. If you have siblings, you had better hope they don't find out.

You're acting criminally & abusing your PoA.

Stop it, or face the consequences.

It would not be theft if could show that you intended to pay it back - ie you had taken it previously and had done that. If it was the first time you may have a job to convince the court you didn’t intend to permanently deprive and they could draw an inference. There is tons of case law in this very subject.
You would however, be wide open to disciplinary action from your employer for acting without authority and would probably sacked.

The office of the public guardian would very much see it as a problem. It is an abuse of the POA and against the rules. It is not done in the persons best interest. Keeping a notebook in case she gets asked just wont cut it.

Legally it’s wrong. But the PGO don’t get involved, from my experience, unless something is reported.

It is very much a problem. It is an abuse of the POA.

It's not a matter of something being right or wrong culturally. It is against the law and is an abuse of POA.

It is illegal. It is an abuse of the POA. OP is no longer a suitable person to hold POA for her mother.

This ⬆️.
PoA isn't an opportunity for interest free loans from the person's bank account.
That is an abuse of the role.

The fact you're even asking, shocks me.

I'm sure you had good intentions, OP and I believe that you have always paid your mum back.

But this is a slippery slope and the human brain can start to justify to keep the money rather than pay it back, so I think you are right to stop borrowing the money.

What I would do is look at how much it's costing you to look after your mum. Are you losing out on wages? Transport? Food costs?

You might want to speak to a solicitor as POAs are allowed to recover legitimate expenses they incur while carrying out their duties.

It’s wrong, but you repaid it. It’s not the huge deal people are making it out to be. My friend’s dad is in a nursing home as he has dementia. She takes a few hundred out of his account every birthday and Christmas to buy herself a present ‘from him’. He has no idea.

Now that’s awful, imo.

Of course it’s financial abuse!

You have got to stop doing that immediately. Ask her if you can borrow, when you need to. If she gets worried and tells you to keep it, say okay, thanks mum, and repay it anyway. You really cannot be borrowing without consent.

You know it's wrong which is why you're asking. You're hoping people will tell you it's ok,carry on 😔 It's really not 😔