Was it unreasonable to turn my daughter’s old room into an office?

[StorageUnitdisageement]

Dsd moved in with her partner 7 months ago. She didn’t take much with her as wanted to get new things , she has popped back now and then to get bits and was still referring to it as her room.

Ive now found a wfh role and want the room as a home office. We told her this and asked her to come and sort her things out. She didn’t. So the old furniture is now gone and everything else in storage boxes / vacuum bags and I’ve rented a small storage unit.

She has gone absolutely crazy! Thinks we should have left her room ‘just in case’ and begging to have it put back suddenly saying she was planning to stay occasionally and ‘what about Christmas’ I said at Christmas or whenever if you need to stay we can get a mattress in there and that’s not acceptable to her.

I thought waiting 7 months was ages !!!

When I went to uni I left home as far as I was concerned (home life was miserable and I couldn't wait to escape). I rarely visited my parents. They boxed up my belongings but did keep the bed and wardrobe etc, partly for me and partly for guests. I didn't resent it or feel insecure about it.

Oh, that makes it even worse. Was it her Mum and Dad's house originally?

In any case, she's a young person who has dealt with a lot, and clearly felt the need to keep these family roots for the time being.

There's really no reason you couldn't have just put a desk in the room and used it as an office. Why did you need to remove all traces of her?

Of course when my children leave home we'll repurpose their rooms to a point. But one of the main purposes of their rooms will always remain that they will be a safe space they can come home to whenever they like with a bed etc they can use.

If she has bought somewhere then it is a permanent move out, however she might be feeling rejected or erased by her room being changed from being her room. She needs to understand that you still love and care, however have repurposed that room.

After I bought my first house, my mum repainted my room and got new furniture and it became a spare room. It later became my DD's bedroom when she stayed over there.

It is a natural progression, to redecorate etc, but it sounds like you need to have a really good chat with her about it all to reassure her.

Posts like this really highlight how the wealth demographic of the average mumsnetter is out of alignment with most people. Space is valuable. It cannot be allocated to people who don't live in properties indefinitely. The people who pay for the house and live there should have access to all spaces. There may be a transition period for young adults moving out but this woman is 21 and owns her own property!!
Many people will need to rent a room out to a lodger to make ends meet, many young adults never even had their own room having shared with siblings until adulthood, many people will need to downsize etc etc. the luxury of keeping an empty bedroom for someone who doesn't live in the house is a luxury most cannot afford. It's a bonkers entitlement.

This.

shes still very young and needs to know that ‘home’ is still there.

From a rational viewpoint houses are for using in the best way possible at any given time and right now that room is your office. If anything changes in her life she will be able to come back.

I would certainly make sure there was a bed for her to sleep in rather than a mattress on the floor. That feels very unwelcoming.

The day i left home when i was 18 to move hundreds of miles away with my Husband my mum moved into my old room. I didn't have a hissy fit because i understood it was her house and no longer my room. You are right to use the room and your daughter needs to grow up

Well, the less wealthy often have dual purpose office/spare rooms, whereas the more wealthy tend to have separate offices and spare bedrooms too.

In any case, OP could still have used the room as an office by simply putting a desk in there (perhaps moving out 1 piece of furniture to accommodate it). She didn't need to strip out every trace of DSD and get rid of the bed in order to be able to work in there.

It very much sends the message that DSD is no longer welcome and they actively don't want her to stay. I can see why DSD is hurt.

As you are her stepmother she probably feels like you're erasing her from the house. I kept a spare room at my house until my youngest child that had left home was in his late thirties.

The amount of people on MN who live in mansions big enough to forever more leave an intact shrine of every child and stepchilds room in place forever is astonishing. I had no idea the UK had so many large houses with so much spare room!

Back in the land of fucking reality, 7 months was very, very generous. My own mother waited less time to repurpose my old bedroom when I moved out - and I understood why. I'm quite sure if she does need to come back in an emergency they will figure shit out, but largely at 22 she will get used to her own space and is more likely to transition to her own place or a house share or something if it goes tits up. Renting storage for her shit was going way above and beyond given the notice she had.

With her mother dying when she was very young there will be a lot going on for her.

Maybe she feels you replaced her Mum in her father's affections? Maybe now she sees that you've taken her physical space. Maybe she has lots of strong emotions associated with that room and the contents (does she have memories of her Mum tucking her up in bed? was it a place she retreated to when the world outside got too tough?)

Maybe none of these, but it was a bit harsh to say she can have a mattress on the floor if she comes back at Christmas. Cut her some slack.

I moved out of my mum’s at 19 and my younger sister moved into my old room. I had my daughter when I was 20. She’s being a brat. I never spent another night at my mum’s after I left.

As someone who went to uni at 18 and was immediately told 'you don't live here any more, you are an adult so dont come home in the holidays' I have always been certain that my kids will always feel they can come home whenever they want!

DS1 and not DD are at uni (come Sep) and their rooms will stay their rooms whilst at uni. Once they have properly moved out as your DD has done then yes, we will reallocate rooms eg DH can have one for all his climbing and hiking stuff and I want one as a craft room, however I will always make sure the rooms still have a bed in as want all 3 of my kids to be able to come and visit, stay at christmas etc.

I married straight after finishing university and my younger sister immediately moved into my bedroom, having had to share with the baby of the family until then. We were 4 sisters in a 3 bedroomed house so had always had to share. If your DSD has actually bought a flat with her partner, she's behaving unreasonably in expecting "her" room to be kept as it always was.

Seven months is absolutely plenty of time. Once an adult child moves out and sets up home with a partner, their old bedroom stops being ‘their room’ and becomes part of the household again.

You did tell her, you asked her to sort her things, she didn’t. That’s on her. You’ve handled it kindly by boxing everything up and even paying for a storage unit, most parents wouldn’t go that far.

It’s completely normal to repurpose a room when someone has moved out. Wanting a WFH space is reasonable, and offering a mattress when she visits is also reasonable. She doesn’t get to dictate that a whole room stays frozen in time “just in case”, especially when she’s living elsewhere with her partner.

It sounds like she’s having a wobble about the symbolism of it rather than the practicalities, but that doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. She’s an adult with her own home now. You’re allowed to use yours.

But I think you need to take it as a compliment as weird as it may sound. She obviously still feels connected to you and her childhood home and is worried that her safe place is gone. Just reassure her that if ever she needs a place, there will be one for her, but in the meantime the room is being repurposed because your life has to move forward just as her's has.

I'm on your side OP, so YANBU

I left home at 18, my brother moved straight into my room before moving out a year or so late. My room was then permanently known as DB's room until DP's moved on.

I didn't get upset or have tantrums as I had my own flat which beats your own room imo

The ones who parents changed the room when they left for uni, what did you do in the holidays?

I think it depends on how it was handled. My own children have always known that our house needs to work for the people who live in it. If you leave and need to come back, there will always be a space for you … it just might not be the same space you left behind.
I can understand that it might have been a shock to her, if you didn’t tell her that you were going to clear the room. I wouldn’t have disposed of anything.

To all of you saying OP is mean, or unreasonable, utter tosh.... they are well within their right to use their room how they see fit... if she had left it as a room incase things didn't work out you'd all be on her back for wishing the relationship to end. Daughter moved out, she is within her right to do so and set up her own home how she sees fit, just like op can do...

OP YANBU

I would suggest that someone who is angry that her room wasnt kept "just in case it doesnt work out" doesnt have the emotional maturity to be buying a property and living with someone. She clearly doesnt understand what a huge undertaking that is and that she can't just shrug her shoulders and move back with no ramifications.

They kept it as a spare room so I had somewhere to stay. They just threw out all my stuff and redecorated.

This is fairly normal I think, but not the same as taking away the bed and therefore the ability for you to stay if you ever needed to.

(eta, this is what my and most of my friends’ parents did).

Poor you.
Does her Father support you?
How many belongings does she have?
Are you paying for the unit?
Will she take over the payment?
Is the room large enough for your office and a bed settee?
I wish you all the best.

I suspect she feels she has been cast adrift from the family home and needs to be reassured that it is not the case. 7 months is not a long time and I have some sympathy for her. Could the room have the desk that you require for your work and a sofa bed in it.

She has CHOSEN to move out, she hasn’t been rejected or thrown out!

Why would she feel cast adrift from the family home if she actively chose to buy a house with her partner and to move in together?

I'm sure that if her DSD's relationship broke down, OP would be happy for her to come home and would make adjustments to her DSD's former bedroom to accommodate a sofa bed or a fold-away bed, but she doesn't need to do that now as DSD has her own home.