Was it unreasonable to turn my daughter’s old room into an office?

[StorageUnitdisageement]

Dsd moved in with her partner 7 months ago. She didn’t take much with her as wanted to get new things , she has popped back now and then to get bits and was still referring to it as her room.

Ive now found a wfh role and want the room as a home office. We told her this and asked her to come and sort her things out. She didn’t. So the old furniture is now gone and everything else in storage boxes / vacuum bags and I’ve rented a small storage unit.

She has gone absolutely crazy! Thinks we should have left her room ‘just in case’ and begging to have it put back suddenly saying she was planning to stay occasionally and ‘what about Christmas’ I said at Christmas or whenever if you need to stay we can get a mattress in there and that’s not acceptable to her.

I thought waiting 7 months was ages !!!

She'd not have like my parents much. My old room became my Dad's study about 3 days after I moved in with my OH 😬

Using the room - fine. Putting absolutely everything that’s hers in storage after 7 months and removing the bed? Pretty big statement!

My brother and I are in our thirties and haven’t lived at home for ages. My mum still makes sure we have somewhere to sleep when we visit. It’s important to her that we feel we can comfortably stay at Christmas, or if we ever needed to. Not saying it has to be for you. But I know I’ll always want my daughter to feel like she can come home, too.

Over dramatic response 🙄

'She has gone absolutely crazy!'
My mistake, textbook empathy demonstrated all along throughout the thread by OP.

People can go absolutely crazy and over react even when people have been empathetic and as considerate as possible. Why are you so set on the fact the OP (not her husband I notice) has done something wrong here?

Going to University is temporary and adult children will often return home after finishing Uni. OP's DSD has moved into the house that she and her boyfriend are buying with a mortgage.

OP is now working from home so needs an office so she is perfectly reasonable to use the room that her DSD no longer needs as she has her own permanent home.

My parents moved abroad when I was at university, so I had no home to come back to, let alone bedroom. I got married when I graduated and my husband and I settled down together. When they moved back to the UK a few years ago, I finally got back my stuff that had been put into storage when they moved.

There's no way I would go this with my similar aged kids rooms

Why could you not have just put a desk in there and had a multi-purpose office/bedroom? Potentially swapping out one piece of furniture, if necessary, not clearing out any trace of her and putting it in storage.

You've sent a very strong message that she's not welcome and she doesn't have a home with her dad. Presumably that was your intention.

7 months is quite quick, she's still young and may be back, and you're the evil stepmother 😉
My parents immediately threw all my things out as soon as I went to uni, but left me a bed for when I went home in the holidays.
Conversely, my in-laws kept their daughter's room more or less as it was for many years. She was back from time to time then after that it acted as a visitor room. But they didn't need an office space as they already had one.

Even as someone whose bedroom stayed at my parents until I was in my late 20s, I still think you're being entirely reasonable. She's bought a flat and you gave her plenty of notice.

My poor DH on the other hand - he was told when he left for uni that his house was no longer his home. Bear in mind his mother died while he was doing his A-levels, his Dad remarried within a year and brought his new wife into the home. He was allowed to stay during uni holidays on sufferance and moved in with his brother after uni finished. An unbelievably shitty way to treat a grieving teenager.

You've sent a very strong message that she's not welcome and she doesn't have a home with her dad. Presumably that was your intention.

She's bought her own home. She isn't a child who needs housing. It's perfectly normal for adults to live independently and staggeringly unnecessary for an adult to feel they should have ownership over a room in someone else's home when they own a house.

You’re entitled to do whatever you want with your own house and you definitely haven’t done anything wrong but, TBH, I’d be a bit hurt at this and I know my DM wouldn’t have done that until I had been moved out a bit longer/was a bit older (regardless of other potential uses for the space) because of the potential to come back and because she and DDad always said their house would always be our home. My DM also liked to have us to stay as much as possible, so that would be a factor.

Are you sure she’s totally settled with her partner and she’s not likely to need somewhere to stay in future? BTW, I didn’t notice the “s” in “DSD” on first reading so that hasn’t influenced my view.

I don't see why this is tied to a room.

I lived and worked abroad, travelled etc. I knew my parents would always make a space for me if I needed to return (even now, aged 46) but I didn't need a shrine bedroom kept just for me to be secure in that

I did wonder at this post. Millions of people do exactly the same travelling abroad, moving for jobs, doing post grad qualifications and so on all without their parents having their childhood bedroom waiting.

Nothing about what the OP has said indicates that she and her partner wouldn't make space or help financially with housing costs for her step daughter should the relationship break down to the best of their ability just as any caring loving parent would.

Leaving their childhood room untouched or shoving a desk in it instead of utalising the space properly is just daft.

You've sent a very strong message that she's not welcome and she doesn't have a home with her dad. Presumably that was your intention.

She has her own home, she diesnt need another. She made an informed choice as an adult to leave and get her own place. She wasn't forced out! Stop making young adults sound like choldren who cant make decisions for themselves.

She has gone absolutely crazy! Thinks we should have left her room ‘just in case’ and begging to have it put back suddenly saying she was planning to stay occasionally and ‘what about Christmas’ I said at Christmas or whenever if you need to stay we can get a mattress in there and that’s not acceptable to her.

She is bring ridiculous and trying to have her feet in two houses at the same time! I would have said ' what do you mean Christmas? We are coming to yours!!!

Maybe you should.ask her if you can turn one of her rooms at her flat into an office for you in exchange for keeping her old bedroom as a shrine!

Feelings come from thoughts. The underlying thought in your take is that she is being rejected. Where is the evidence for rejection? She has been told she can be provided with space if she needs it. i.e. she is still welcome.

A more rational, less self focused reality is that OP needs an office space because she has a new job.

This is the problem with the 'feelings are always valid' argument. Feelings are not always valid when they are based on disordered thinking.

She has always lived here her mum passed away when she was very young

My son is 23 and lives with his partner. Most of his stuff is now gone. We also bought a sofa bed and small desk for wfh. He's fine and knows that if things go wrong, he comes home, he gets the room back until he moves on again. His girlfriend still talks about 'her room' at her mum and dads. Maybe boys just arn't as focused on these things.

She was so excited to move out and we haven’t pushed at all in any way. She hasn’t even really been back that much at all despite being quite local still this seems to just be an issue over the room and she wanted it left how it was which doesn’t work out for us as the house isn’t very big!

Yanbu but I suspect the fact she's your step daughter and that she lost her mother when she was young are adding a layer of complexity to her feelings

Ah, that’s another level of complexity. No offence to you at all @StorageUnitdisageement but there is a thread that ran last year or the year before asking those who grew up without their birth mother for whatever reason what their life was like. Some of the comments on that thread tore at your heart.

It’s possible that DSD being upset comes from quite a deep place that she may not yet be able to recognise.

I don’t disagree with what you want to do. I’m just saying that her reasons for being upset may be more complex than one might normally think.

You've honestly done nothing wrong. Some of the posts on this thread are completely bonkers and I'm sure part of it is just because you happened to mention she was your step daughter.

She's a grown adult she doesn't need her childhood bedroom and if the worst happens and the relationship ends then she can discuss with you and her father as adults to work out a plan to help her.

However there's nothing to suggest the relationship won't go the distance any more than any other relationship and keeping the room as some sort of shine just in case is illogical.

I think if she is having unexpected feelings, there must be some insecurity going on that maybe even she doesn’t properly understand. Just reassure her she’ll always be able to come back if she needs to one way or another.

This!