Was it unreasonable to turn my daughter’s old room into an office?

[StorageUnitdisageement]

Dsd moved in with her partner 7 months ago. She didn’t take much with her as wanted to get new things , she has popped back now and then to get bits and was still referring to it as her room.

Ive now found a wfh role and want the room as a home office. We told her this and asked her to come and sort her things out. She didn’t. So the old furniture is now gone and everything else in storage boxes / vacuum bags and I’ve rented a small storage unit.

She has gone absolutely crazy! Thinks we should have left her room ‘just in case’ and begging to have it put back suddenly saying she was planning to stay occasionally and ‘what about Christmas’ I said at Christmas or whenever if you need to stay we can get a mattress in there and that’s not acceptable to her.

I thought waiting 7 months was ages !!!

If the office room, with the desk and whatever you’ve put in there, still has enough room for an air mattress or a roll mat then YANBU. If her relationship broke down she’d still be able to come back.

I do worry that “taking away the option” could lead to her putting up with a bad relationship because she doesn’t feel she’d have anywhere to go. They may have been together for 2 years but they’re young and they haven’t lived together for even a year. Abuse often starts once a partner feels they’ve got you trapped, so I would be very careful to make sure everything is genuinely going ok and to let her know what you will do practically if she ever needs it.

As in, “If you needed to come back, on your own or with your DP, the room is big enough for a double air mattress and you’d have that space until 9am every day and all day at the weekend.” Or even “If you needed to come back, I could set my laptop up in my own room and you could have that space back.”

She is now a homeowner herself but expects her childhood bedroom to be kept free for her? Seriously?

Just for a bit of perspective one of my sons friends went to Uni and his parents immediately got a lodger in his room so now he sleeps on the sofa etc when home.

One of the oldest of 8 children, once I left home at 18 a younger sibling moved in! You needed an office so your step daughter could not expect it to be kept empty. That’s life. She needs to grow up.

I think yabu. At 21, with a boyfriend she's been with since 19, it is extremely unlikely that this relationship is 'the one' and having lived with him for 7 months she might well be thinking it has run its course. The human brain changes significantly between age 18 and age 25 during the last stages of "growing up" and not many relationships last throughout it. This is obviously totally ok but a safety net of being able to move back home if it all goes pear shaped is a very valuable security. I think there should have been a lot more careful thought before taking this step.

Are feelings rational?
I don't think they always are.

That is almost certainly what underlies the intensity of her reaction.

My DD moved in with her boyfriend at 20. She had a larger bedroom than her brother who was in the box room and won't be moving out any time soon. I left her room as it was for a whole year just in case. We then redecorated and moved her brother in. She knows she'll always have a bed with us if she ever needs one ......just won't be that one! 😁

So the OP is supposed to pander to the irrational feelings and just leave the room as a bedroom indefinitely in case she upsets her step daughter?

We're talking about an adult here not a teenager. The OP has offered a fair solution that means she always has a bed at their house and waited months to make any changes she's been very understanding.

Of course we're all a bit irked when our parents refuse to keep our childhood bedroom as a shrine but life moves on. My DD has moved out and I'm turning her room into a dressing room. Every time she comes to visit I find more of her possessions to take with her!

Did you leave her bed in the room? I don't think you are unreasonable to use the room as an office, but I would make sure it could still work as a bedroom too (Or is it a 'box room?) At 21 it's not that unlikely that the relationship won't last for ever and she might need to move back if she needs to sell their shared flat. I love the way (not) that MN sees very young adults as totally mature who can immediately walk out of home and deal independently with all that life throws at them. Sure some have to, but it isn't ideal. Especially now we know brain development continues until at least mid 20s.

It makes a huge difference to wfh to have a proper office space, meaning work doesn't take over the relaxing areas of the house. Is there room for a sofa bed (or armchair bed)? If so I would get one so the room can become a comfy guest room when needed

Tell her if she wants to stay over at Christmas or whenever she can sleep on the blow up bed in what was her bedroom.

She is being a bit precious.

But I would say, that you must have done a great job as a parent for her to feel so connected to you and 'home'. I think it's rather lovely actually!

I can't see that written anywhere in my posts. The OP is not understanding her stepdaughter's feelings. She is offering practical solutions but not understanding the intensity of the reaction.

Improving things won't be about being able to offer a bed at Christmas, it's about reassuring her DSD that she is part of her family and always has a place (emotionally almost more important than physically) with her family.

I moved out on a Saturday and by Sunday (when I was going home for a roast - I know!) my mum had already turned my room in to a sewing room. It didn’t occur to either of us that it should be kept as ‘my’ room.

This
I’d also deliver all her stuff to her - no way would I be “renting a storage unit” for a load of stuff she can’t be that bothered about that is madness!

At 21 she's an adult.

Presumably she made the decision herself to move out of the family home to set up her own home with her partner.

If she can afford to do that, then surely, if it does go wrong she's in a position to find herself a house share, rather than needing to return to the house she grew up in.

How long is her childhood bedroom supposed to be kept available in case she changes her mind about living as a couple.

When did we, as a society, start treating young adults like children.

Obviously, no one would leave their adult children to struggle if they were in need of support but at 21 there's no reason to keep 'her bedroom' available. It's not a shrine. It's an empty room that can be made use of.

So I would have found a half-way solution - kept her bed, wardrobe, packed away everything so that it could all be got out and set up if she was ever home for a visit, and then put a desk in it for your use? Then in a year - given she has actually bought her flat with her partner - discuss converting fully to an office and replacing her bed with a sofabed?

That said, you don’t mention her father - what is his view? Is the house owned by you both? Is it her childhood home that she shared with her father before you came on the scene? Those things might change things a little.

Nothing about the OPs posts suggest she and her husband have not been reassuring her she's always going to be part of the family. You seem determined to think she's some heartless step parent ignoring this womens feelings?

The step daughter chose to move out she explained they needed the room and using space in a house isn't unreasonable.

This thread is a real eye opener - I had no idea there were so many people out there that were keeping bedrooms for adult children who have bought their own homes! I've never come across this in my own life - among the people I know, once you've bought your own home that's where you live. And I don't know of anyone who thought that was a barrier to having a safety net if everything goes wrong - at that time accommodations are made rather than the bedroom sitting waiting

When I left home at 18 my mum did something similar, including getting rid of my carefully aged duffel coat 🙁. When my dd moved into the flat she bought it took nearly seven years for her to move all her stuff out of her old room, including Miss Arabella her dress form. In the end I packed it all up and the next time she came round it was waiting for her in the hall……

Does she still have a room at her mum's as well? Half a flat plus two bedrooms seems a little much. I guess the main question is what happens if the relationship fails and she wants to come home? Will you re-jig things at that point, or at least help out with flat rental if necessary?

I shared a bedroom until I went to uni. When I went to uni, it became my sister's room; I put all my stuff into one piece of furniture so she could ignore it.

Eh? She’s an adult. She lives with her partner. It’s your house. Ffs, of course you use the space as you want. If you have numerous spare rooms and don’t need the space to repurpose the room then fine. But you don’t, and you do.

I'm one of seven and when I left home at 18, my room was immediately taken by my brother. Once he left, the room went to our sister. If I stayed there after leaving, I just slept wherever there was space, sometimes in a bed and sometimes on the floor. I suppose it might have been nice if my room was mine forever, but it simply wasn't practical.

I guess it’s not going so well living with the partner? Have you asked her?

I have always known that my room is there for me, in my parents' house, in exactly the state I left is last time. This feeling of my room always being there for me gave me the freedom to travel and work abroad, do post-grad study and not rush into any idiotic relationship for the sake of a roof over my head. Even renting was jollier and happier, knowing that out there there is my room waiting for me.