Was it unreasonable to turn my daughter’s old room into an office?

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Dsd moved in with her partner 7 months ago. She didn’t take much with her as wanted to get new things , she has popped back now and then to get bits and was still referring to it as her room.

Ive now found a wfh role and want the room as a home office. We told her this and asked her to come and sort her things out. She didn’t. So the old furniture is now gone and everything else in storage boxes / vacuum bags and I’ve rented a small storage unit.

She has gone absolutely crazy! Thinks we should have left her room ‘just in case’ and begging to have it put back suddenly saying she was planning to stay occasionally and ‘what about Christmas’ I said at Christmas or whenever if you need to stay we can get a mattress in there and that’s not acceptable to her.

I thought waiting 7 months was ages !!!

I packed up DSs belongings and took them round. He told me I had ‘messed up his new house’.

I had to move back home briefly twice in my twenties, it's not unusual. I also went home every Christmas for quite a few years, so I can kind of see her point. When you're that young is very reassuring to know you always have somewhere to go if everything goes tits up

Oh my, was she always expecting to have a room?! Personally I think whether she’s your step daughter or bio daughter it’s irrelevant and doesn’t change the fact that she’s moved out and it’s your home. She’s 21 not 16. I moved out at 20. My dad was in the army and parents moved from uk to his last posting in Germany I no longer had a bedroom that was just my own. But they always made room for me when I visited. When they bought a home when they returned to uk I didn’t have a room that was ‘mine’. I had moved out however I know that if I ever did need to move back home they would always make room for me again.

She needs to get over it, it really is that simples

When DS1 finally graduated (long story, took an inordinately long time) he told us that he was never moving back home, that he was staying in his university town with his girlfriend, that they were getting married and that was it…. So, DH decided to move his office from the box room with a view onto next door’s wall up to ds1’s old room as it was a much nicer space - ds1’s stuff was moved into the box room. He was furious … we didn’t relent .. on a couple of the many occasions he temporarily split up with his girlfriend he moved back home for a few days and then moved out again … but we stayed firm!

Spoilt brat. As soon as my son moved out, he absolutely insisted I turn his room into what I want, and to throw any clothes he left.

It's still sitting as a junk room but that's me being lazy / not having enough time to transform it as I work 50 hours a week.

The reality is that different families cope with the “my old bedroom” concept differently.

A friend and I compared notes. I had kept the rooms as museums for a few years. Eventually I wanted a dining room so eldest was told to take out anything she wanted. It could go to her own bought house or into my attic. Youngest’s bedroom still is much the same because it is the spare bedroom. She has had to do a declutter though.

Friend said that she was cleaning out the rooms when the boys went to Uni - before the first reading week😳. I think part of the difference is that she had moved multiple times, remarried, their Dad had several new partners (he is a POS), her kids have step siblings who need to be accommodated.

Both versions of leaving home were reasonable for us. In the OPs case the girl was given a warning and nothing has been thrown away. Her dad might have to reassure her that if she wants to move back her room will be reinstated.

🤣

I downsized about a year ago and have one spare room that is used as a guest bedroom. My eldest child, who has lived in rented accommodation in another city for about 5 years, talks about 'coming home' when he visits for a weekend or Christmas even though I sold the house that had 'his' room in it and he has never had is own room in the new house. My other son has bought a house with his GF in the same city and that is now his home.
I'd like to think that 'home' is where your family who love you and welcome you is, not a room you slept in as a child.

My mum turned my room into her sewing room within 48 hours of me moving out. Your child is being a brat.

But she has still left and bought a home with her partner. It's not like she left for uni and will be back in the holidays.

"Darling, you can always come home, but you have your own flat now and I need an office. How are things with you and Barry?"

Are there still younger DC at home? Maybe she's jealous.

Yes, 3. One just graduated, one at university, one about to go. The oldest has more or less left home permanently. I love him very, very much but we won't be keeping his room on stand by for him. DH wants it to be his home office.
Obviously oldest will always have a bed here but it would be a ridiculous waste of space not to use the room.

I’m another who thinks perhaps things aren’t going very well with her partner if she feels she needs 5is easy escape route back to your house.

I think when your children reach the point of becoming home owners themselves, it is reasonable to expect them to vacate their rooms, taking everything they want with them and leaving you to repurpose the room in any way you wish

No joke - my mum was stripping the walls of my bedroom as I was leaving with my suitcase.

She's being ridiculous. But where is her father in this?

Now because I'm old I think you are entirely reasonable. But when I was at uni I went home one holiday to find that my mum, without mentioning it, had turned my bedroom into a guest room. All my stuff gone. I was livid. The fact I still remember it 40 years later tells me I was pretty peeved at the time. 🙂

Is she keeping a bedroom at her Mother’s house as well?

That's really off. When you're at uni you're still living at home really and most people expect to come back for weekends and uni holidays.

7 months!! My mum waited all of a week before anything Id left was boxed up and delivered to my doorstep and my old room was filled with junk. She made it quite clear that out was out.

At Christmas she made me a little gap in the junk to sleep in!

I understand how she feels, she’s only 21. I’d also tell her it can be put back whenever needed.

I would imagine she's feeling pretty displaced and unimportant as if she no longer has any place with your family. You are not intending it this way but this is how it will come across.

As a child of presumably marital breakdown, those feelings of displacement and lack of belonging will be amplified.

Minimise her feelings at your own risk.

YANBU at all. She's bought her own flat, she was told to get her stuff and she didn't.
But it's just that shock of not living at home anymore. It's probably still felt like pretending or practising adulthood until now. She's always had an out and could just go back home but now she can't. She's really moved out and her home is now solely this flat with her boyfriend.

And maybe she didn't feel ready for that or wanted to do that milestone herself. But that's not how life goes. I moved to uni at 18 and by the time I came back at break my mum had redecorated my bedroom and turned it into the "guest room". The only person she ever had over was my slightly younger cousin.

She 21.

Not 15.

Your post reads like she was thrown out the family home. Shes an adult who saved to buy her own house and moved into the home she purchased. Why would she be feeling displaced or unimportant...