How can I be sure I'm not his retirement plan?

[800wow]

As sure as anyone is?

I'm comfortably off in middle age, and have been seeing a man for nearly 2 years. He's lovely we have a great time together and also enjoy time doing our own thing. We don't live together and never will (been there done that, not doing it again).

He pays his way and we are able to do lots of nice things without worrying about money. Our finances are completely seperate, his money is none of my business beyond the fact that he pays his share, but I suspect he's much more live for today than I am. He doesn't own his own home for example, having never wanted to be a homeowner.

As we're starting to look like this is a long term thing, I've started to ponder what would happen if/when he can't work.

I've made it clear we won't live together and he's accepting (happy) with that but at the same time, we probably both know that if it came to it I'm not going to see him on the streets. It was supposed to be a bit of fun, but has gone beyond that now.

His finances are none of my business but it is starting to feel like they do affect me. That said, am I going to finish with him because he doesn't have adequate pension arrangements?!

I am a bit of a catastrophosizer. Is this a valid concern and what, if anything should I be doing avout it at this stage?

This!

Op, I get the protect your assets piece. I'm the women that in my 20's got legal agreements drawn up when a boyfriend moved into my house, I have always and will always be very careful to keep a clean line around my assets, regardless of being in a loving marriage. We must protect ourselves.

But you ignored me earlier, you're still writing your own story. And yes, maybe you are completely right, but you are not working from a place of facts.

So you have 2 options. Continue to write your own story and make a decision on the relationship based on that, OR actually have an adult conversation.

You're enjoying the time, you still have no plans to live with him ever, but in order to continue and to build a stronger bond, you need to understand and have some reassurance of what future financial planning he has in place, so that you can understand what retirement together might look like.

Use your words.

hmmm see to me If you are thinking these things...even if you are a catastrophizer, its a bit or a red flag. And if you don't feel that you can discuss the future with him, its another one.

He can’t rely on inheritance but it sounds like he might inherit a lot if it does happen? Maybe he’ll buy a property then? I think I’d be encouraging it.

Marketing is not a minimum wage job!!!

This

Then you are within a very privileged circle. I myself am a home owner but lots of people in our area aren’t. We live in a popular tourist area (South West) where house prices are eye watering compared to the income most families are on.
A lot of my DC friends are in rented houses, I only know because it came up in conversation at a party.
They will stay in rentals until their children leave home and then probably aim to buy somewhere small if they’ve managed to scrape together a deposit by downsizing their rental houses, but many will probably stay in rented accommodation unless they’ve managed receive a lump sum through inheritance etc
Some people are just not bothered about being homeowners because they don’t want the responsibility that goes with it.
If he is still in rented accommodation and entitled to a state pension, if he’s on a low income he will be entitled to pension credits and other benefits when the time comes.
He could be sat on a ton of savings and you don’t know about them, I certainly wouldn’t be worrying about where he might end up living in 10-20 years time if you are otherwise happy and you have no joint finances.

It is by my standards. Particularly if you are 'freelance' there is no guaranteed income at all!

Honestly.

No wonder women are screwed over time and again on here, you have only got to read this thread.
Romantic? If you have good sex life then ignore the red flags? Just live in the now? And all the other clap trap trotted out by those that should know better.
Jesus I despair sometimes.

Love makes us vulnerable - it is inevitable. Opening yourself up to love means opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt, or of having to make difficult emotional choices (like confronting the extent to which you might need to make sacrifices or potentially care for someone).

In a good, strong relationship that love and that vulnerability should really flow both ways. If your life turned upside down, would he be there for you, would he care for and support you?

If you don’t feel comfortable opening yourself up to the possibility of vulnerability, if you think that you don’t want to be in a position where you might have to take the rough as well as the smooth then perhaps this type of relationship isn’t right for you. Maybe what you really want is a bit more transactional, or has emotion removed so you can keep the other person more at arm’s length.

It can be a zero wage job if you are a freelancer.

Mm, freelance. That would ring bells for me, unless he’s obviously highly successful.

When you go out, who pays? Do you share, take turns, or do you end footing the bill?

Does he spend more time at your house or his?

Bloke 2 doors down-he’s 80-made no plans for his retirement and in fact retired early. He lives in an extremely small HA flat. He told me he’d never made provision for his old age. He runs a car, buys tobacco, manages. Point being, your dp is still working, I’m not sure why you’re even worried! Edit, just seen he’s freelance.

I agree. How would he get a mortgage based on freelance marketing? That's a job that AI could easily see off in the next few years.

And this from @EnglishRose26 He could try and make a claim op, despite what he says now and these legal battles are very costly and take years. In that time, he lives in your house rent free whilst the case is decided. If he is living in your house, and you die, he can most definitely stake a claim even if it is eventually refused by the courts. Then there is the small issue of actually having him removed. Squatters rights etc.

You're being naive OP if you think you can have him live with you and then if you die first he won't have a claim on your home or at least a life interest in it. He could, and I suspect would make that claim and if he tried I suspect that it would be upheld and he'd be allowed to stay and probably inherit your pension and deprive your DC of their inheritance, at least until he dies. FGS get legal advice first if you ever contemplate inviting him to live in your home.

Plus there’s the move to recognise common-In-law partners…

He’s never flirted with you? How did you get together??

I think you're entirely sensible to be thinking about this. From what you say, you've known him for a long time and he's consistently had this approach to life, so it's unlikely that he will change. One of my friends (also mid 50s) has taken on someone like this, nice enough guy, eternal optimist that things will work out. He's now living in her (beautiful) home while her children are off at uni, and she's bankrolling him because his sector has genuinely fallen apart (niche skilled work). He's always been self employed, no pension, no savings, no home... "It'll work out". If he had an accident she'd become his carer. If my friend had an accident I'm not sure whether he'd be much real help to her. He'd probably live there but her kids would do the heavy lifting or bring in carers. If she died in an accident her young adult children would have the legal mess of getting him out of her home. These things happen. If you're one of life's planners then you think about it.

Relationships don't come with insurance policies OP.

You love someone and you take on all that comes/ may come with that, or you don't.

You can't really have one without the other.

I'd say that's because when the tables are turned there's a good chance that the man will be able to use his leverage to subordinate the woman, make her feel beholden to him, do all the domestic work etc.
When the woman has the leverage she tends not to use it, the man gets in first and is able to disempower her, she becomes his golden goose who pays for everything & does the cooking & cleaning for him

I think you do have to be careful, especially with the age gap and especially with his attitude that his parents will bail him out.

Why not say to him that he has 20 yrs to save for his pension. You won't be in any way subsidising him or letting him live with you. And stick to that.

It’s his problem. He obviously expects his future inheritance will provide the money in his retirement. You’ve made it clear you do not want to share your home. Maybe he can’t retire if he can’t fund it, certainly people work longer. And if fur whatever resin he doesn’t get an inheritance is gain it’s not your problem. Yes you say you love him but he won’t be homeless will he. He’ll get social housing or whatever.
And as pointed out this is decades in the future. You’ve only been together a couple years. Stop finding things to worry about that will most likely not happen.

You deliberately haven’t told him of your financial situation. Presumably he hasn’t been trying to weedle it out of you?
He hasn’t discussed his either. Maybe he’s had a huge inheritance in the past, maybe a lottery win, maybe he’s in huge debt.

Talk about your pension in general terms. Ask him if he’s got one. You don’t need to go into specifics. Ask him what his plans are for retirement and if he’s on plan for his retirement. Will he be in a position to retire early or will he have to work to state etc? You don’t have to talk actual numbers but you might get more of an idea.

Find the figures for a modest, comfortable and luxurious retirement (which are wildly unrealistic for most people) and use that as a conversation starter. Joke “if only” and see where it leads you.

If not for her he'd have to find whatever work he could, wouldn't he!

I think your concern is very valid, you may feel guilted into inviting him to live with you if he a) can't afford rent, or b) becomes ill.
I know of someone irl who was in your exact position and he moved in due to lack of finances. She saw a solicitor to make sure he had no claim to the house. She would have preferred to live separately but felt guilty when he had no means to pay rent. I felt sorry for her, it's not an easy situation.

It is a valid concern, but I suspect he will be on benefits or working until he’s in ill health.

I personally think this requires some discussion. Why would t you talk to him?