I might not want to help .. What can I respond to "are you busy on Friday?"

[YouDefinitelyShouldNotDoThat]

The mum of one of my daughter's friends often texts to asks me for some help, and I'm often more than happy to. However I like to know what her request is before I answer messages like today's "Hey, are you busy on Friday?". In this particular instance I do have a bit of free time but want to be selective about what I fill that with, as it's my half day off work with the kids. What can I reply so that I can find out her request without revealing what my 'free' time is?

This annoys me so much! People know what they're doing when they send messages like this. I'd be telling them I was busy just because of their message.

Oh, not too sure as yet … why, what’s up?

You have plans with your children, therefore you're not availiable. A simple 'I'm busy on Friday' will do, no explanation needed.

I'm willing to accept that I have done some serious overthinking on this one. But "why?" just feels too abrupt to me...

It depends, what do you have in mind?

What sort of things is she asking you to help with? Does she ever contact you to ask nice things, eg let’s go out for a drink!?

I’m remain amazed by how many people on here have no ability to stick up for themselves.

The vague requests are incredibly rude. She’s making sure you are free so you can’t say no.

Put an end to it for goodness sake! A simple, “I’ve got something planned” followed by a hard “no that won’t work for me this time”.

Or why not just say “if you need my help can you just ask directly, if I can I’ll let you know”.

Of course it's not.

It's no different to "What's the time?"

"It's 3pm."

'Why' is no more abrupt than 'What are you doing on Friday?'

As my old boss would say, just say no. You don’t need to make anything up. Just say sorry I’m not free

I resent people who talk / text like this! They know what they’re doing (ambushing you) it’s rude and desperate. Love these responses - thanks for this post!

No point resenting them. They don’t have you at gunpoint. Even if you have blithely said ‘Nope, no plans!’ it’s still perfectly possible, short of being the world’s wettest lettuce, to say ‘No, sorry, the whole point of having no plans is total downtime.’

Oh I get this one sometimes, an assumption that I can be available just because I'm not in work. I just keep it vague with "I'm not available" or "I have plans" or "I'll be busy until noon" even if that plan is a 2 hour dog walk or that "busy" is brunch or I'm not available because I'm at the beach. I don't lie, I just don't tell the whole truth.

It does depend who it is though. If my sister asks I'll be honest and vice versa. Sometimes it's us asking the other to something fun, sometimes it's a babysitting request. I don't mind either way for her.

"Quite busy, yes. Are you ok?"

Years and years ago, I had a ‘friend’ (a neighbour actually), who often knocked to ask if I was going out. If I said that I was, she would come back with a list of things for me to get for her. If I said no, she would then ask me to look after her DC’s, while she went out. I never managed to avoid the situation, sadly.

Why couldn't you say No Thanks to the second question?

Why not look after my kids?

Because I DON'T WANT TO

I always say I’m waiting to hear back about an appt, what were you thinking? Etc THEN I can lead with either I’ll let you know as soon as I know or yes it’ll be fine or no I won’t have time etc etc x

Well, it does depend a bit in the relationship.

I once mentioned to MIL that I was looking forwards to the afternoon free at home alone whilst my husband and FIL/BIL were out at the football.

She agreed, yes, it was such a treat - I should come and spend the afternoon with her and SIL!

Wanting to chill out alone does not compute to her, but I don't want to offend her. It's not like she wants to fill my time with a chore.

I’m not sorry I’m working in the morning then out in the afternoon

What sort of things does she need help with?

Whats the back story- is she ill? Lonely? Something that needs more than one person type thing

I go with "bits and bobs so it depends what you were thinking?"
That way if it's something fun you can fit it in but if it isn't you're definitely busy!

How about something vague but useful like “Plans uncertain. Why!”

I would reply

Everyday in my life is busy

This Friday? My sister's coming down.

For those who remember the scene from 'Extras' 😅

But maybe she’s offering something that You do want to do?

What I can never understand is why people feel they have to tie themselves into a pretzel over things like this.

all that's needed is a candid conversation.

"Sheila, we are both busy people aren't we. So can you please make sure when you text me asking if I'm free on such-and-such a day, that you tell me why you're asking. I have obligations most days, but I can sometimes shuffle things around to help you in an emergency. I need the information so I can make an informed decision."

said like this, Sheila will stop with the obtuse, ambiguous texts that involve an annoying ping pong back and forth, which is an irritating waste of time and instead get directly to the point. It sounds like you need to put those boundaries in place.

Are you not British ? We are masters of understatement and ambiguity. TBH it's half the fun. My response would be " Not sure yet I've got a few things to do"