I might not want to help .. What can I respond to "are you busy on Friday?"

[YouDefinitelyShouldNotDoThat]

The mum of one of my daughter's friends often texts to asks me for some help, and I'm often more than happy to. However I like to know what her request is before I answer messages like today's "Hey, are you busy on Friday?". In this particular instance I do have a bit of free time but want to be selective about what I fill that with, as it's my half day off work with the kids. What can I reply so that I can find out her request without revealing what my 'free' time is?

So you reply with, “ I do have a bit of free time but want to be selective about what I fill that with, as it's my half day off work with the kids”

Why not just say this as you have to us, I don’t understand?

Just as long as this is a two way friendship OP.

Two way means each party does their bit.

This problem will keep repeating itself if you're not honest. So using words similar to the ones you used here would be fine, eg " No, I'm free, but I want to be selective what I fill my time with as it's my half day off with the kids" will hopefully do the trick. It might have to be followed up with a simple "No" if she's particularly obtuse.

Yes, this reminds me of the other thread about the OP who drove for 40 minutes each way with her DD to and from a club every week, and was being heavily pressured to give up their precious special time together in order to give free lifts to an obnoxious woman who couldn't drive but didn't want to go on the bus that went the same way.

You aren't a thing that's automatically available to be used if nobody else is already using it; you're a human being, and your own time is extremely valuable - whether you choose to use that time to broker multi-million pound deals, find a solution to end all world wars, go out for a drive, paint your house, play UNO with your kids, enjoy the peace of doing nothing or absolutely anything. It is YOUR time; not somebody else's to fill for their convenience.

Your money is also a valuable resource, but you would hope that nobody would nonchalantly ask you if you have some notes in your purse/wallet, as there's something they've decided that they'd really like to use your money to buy for themselves... so why would your time be any different?

Yes very.Its all go at the moment! U?

Just say you are busy that day- you can say it's something you're doing with the kids.

Again, like with the other thread about the hobby woman who wanted a free lift rather than having to get the bus and pay for it, some people have a way of centring their own wants/needs and then putting the guilt on you as though you are their only possible solution; so if you say no, they have to go without.

Just because they've decided that you helping them for free is much more preferable to them than any other solution - many of which might involve them paying somebody - doesn't entitle them to it in any way. It's different if you have genuine give and take in your relationship; but not when you get life's takers who constantly announce what they want from you and then expect you to stop everything else and jump to their tune.

I’m guessing your boundaries incorporate most of her requests.

Presumably you don’t get paid to look after your own kids, not someone else’s!

Say no sometimes.

I have literally fallen for this with a particular friend, the sheer cheek of that day {10 years ago 😂} still makes me think WTF .now I reply very differently to her 😝

Just say ‘Fridays aren’t good for me’ or ‘I don’t plan anything for Fridays, it’s my quiet day’

I am usually very honest with friends and they are with me- we don't text each other things like 'are you free?' because that's quite rude, and implies the person will definitely want to see you if they are free!

I'd say the truth, I've got a half day but I'm not sure what I'm up to yet, and leave it to her to ask what she wants.

I couldn't be arsed with all this, in my world it's fine to be tired, move something to a better day or to do something spontaneous if the other person wants to, and none of this has to be achieved by telling white lies or any other types of lies, I know my friends want to see me, but they also don't take the piss and ask for favours for no reason either, I completely don't get any of these types of friendships!

If she said can you take my child, I'd say no, it's my half day and I want to chill out when mine aren't around, but I could do a playdate next week at X time. Or if she wants you to run her to the tip, she can ask that.

The onus isn't on you to make up excuses, its for her to explain her vague request which is obviously cheeky or she would just ask it straight out- coffee, favour, childcare and then let you judge.

If you have an OH, they're a great way to postpone your answer (I do this all the time for the same reason you mention). "Not sure, I think John might have said we would do bla bla".

"Depends what you want 😁"

'Yes I am, we'll have to catch up another time soon'.

I have a friend who does this. Sometimes I want to do what she's asking about but not always - so I hedge my bets.

'I might be free - just need to check on something. Why do you ask?'

If it's something I want to do I wait a bit and then go 'great, have confirmed I'm free'. If it's not something I want to do, I wait a few hours and go - 'sorry, I've checked and I'm not free, hope it goes well'.

I have quite a bit on. How about you?

I think she wants to retain the option of hearing the proposal in case she likes it.

This underhand method is so brazen, it reminds me of that old text joke that did the rounds many years ago. It started with somebody asking if you were available on X week, because the sender had just won an amazing competition prize of 30 all-inclusive free tickets to Disneyland for an unforgettable once-in-a-lifetime holiday for all their family and friends... so if you are available, they'll need somebody to put their bins out for them!

I'm very disorganised so would say not sure yet...

Why can’t you just be honest??? “Spending some time off with my kids”. Absolutely no need to make anything up!

Fairly, what do you need?
Then if what she needs doesn't fit with your plans you tell her
if it does but sounds like an awful chore, you pretend it doesn't
It if does and it sounds do-able or fun do it

I have a neighbour is exactly the same so I’m screening shotting half of these!! I think she might want me to go for a coffee, but it’s always she wants a favour of walking two energetic dogs in my lunch break

I usually say 'not sure, I'd have to check the calendar' in case they've chartered a yacht for me in Monaco. Hasn't happened yet but I live in hope.

I'm with you OP I hate when people do this.

A simple 'why?' would suffice.

I simply can't imagine not asking that.