I might not want to help .. What can I respond to "are you busy on Friday?"

[YouDefinitelyShouldNotDoThat]

The mum of one of my daughter's friends often texts to asks me for some help, and I'm often more than happy to. However I like to know what her request is before I answer messages like today's "Hey, are you busy on Friday?". In this particular instance I do have a bit of free time but want to be selective about what I fill that with, as it's my half day off work with the kids. What can I reply so that I can find out her request without revealing what my 'free' time is?

Just be cautious though OP. Just because you have more help than she does, does not mean that you always have to be available to her.

Unfortunately that saying give the finger, take the whole hand is quite apt, as people do get used to a certain level of help and it can quickly become a case of just taking advantage.

The way she is wording things comes across as it might be going into that territory.

Oh my!!! I cannot imagine looking at someone's calendar - it feels like something private. And a whole weekend! I don't think there are many people in my life who would dare ask for a whole weekend of my time 🤣

I'd simply say:

"Not around Friday I'm afraid."

If she cant be arsed to tell you why she needs YOUR time, then you don't need to explain why you are not available either.

Also, her single parent struggles are hers to deal with - you shouldn't feel guilty about that. Everyone has challenges in life and you are not responsible for what she faces any more than she is responsible for yours 👍

Don’t ask what do you need! That suggests OP could be available to help. I would say “Fairly, what were you going to suggest?”

My sister used to do this when her kids were young. "oh you up to anything nice this weekend?" "Oh not much!" "Great, can you watch the kids?" People like to think they're very clever but they can only do what you allow them to.

Even now her kids are much older but she's trying to get me to commit to a date in August when I can have them come to stay with me for a week. I don't need to plan my life meticulously anymore. Yes I want them to stay but my sister was asking my August availability in January!

It took me decades to get to this stage, but if people are going to treat me cheekily, then I can retaliate in a similar way. I have always been a people pleaser, and was always the one to help out all my life - and got absolutely nothing back. Now I just don't care. I've raised my son and he's grown up now - I am happy to help others on occasion, but like hell anyone is going to hijack my time every Friday night.

Even if your friend tricks you in a similar way, you can always turn around and say "yeah that doesn't work". She seems overly reliant on you. Don't say "how high?" when she asks you to jump. Don't tie yourself in knots to please other people.

How did you respond in the end Op?

When someone wants to meet up socially, they'll say 'do you want to go for lunch on Friday?' They will be specific. When they want a favour they'll couch it as 'are you busy/what are your plans for Friday?'
Its obvious she's lining you up for childcare.
You have a day off and plans with your own children. They might not want someone else's kid there. You aren't obliged to always help.

I don't feel guilty. I'm glad she can ask for help. Single parenting is tough! I'm so grateful to all those who have helped me out when i've needed it. I am just aware of my own need to maintain boundaries and make sure I don't commit beyond where I'm comfortable.

Oh gosh yes, parenting full stop is hard.

As you say, need to maintain boundaries - you say she is not a CF, I beg to differ otherwise she would have been upfront about why she needs your time.

But she hasn't, ergo, I'd say you aren't available and see what, if anything she comes back with.

I just let her know I'm pretty busy and with work, then said "what are you thinking?"

I'm not going to share her reply in case it's outing, but it was fine and I've been able to accommodate a request within my own boundaries.

Grateful for the responses on this thread!

Not necessarily. It might be something interesting.

Having kids at home IS having something on! You don't need to invent anything else.

I prefer being direct because it makes it explicit that I know what she is doing ie asking me for something she needs and communicates that I prefer her to just ask up front before letting her know what my plans are. I agree with you that it wouldn't work with a CF but op says her friend is not one. If she says 'I need someone to have the kids for an hour Friday morning' the reply is 'ah sorry can't help with that, hope you find someone'. If she says 'I need someone to share a voucher for lunch at a nice restaurant' the answer is 'great, what time?'

Think it's ok to not have plans and to not want to do anything. But I agree with the others that putting the question back to her with 'Why do you ask? What you thinking?' will get you more information before committing.

Sorry already got plans!

I'd have no problem saying "Depends what you want" and "No I don't want to do that"

It's gets easy when you're knocking on 70. I have no Fucks left.

My response to these types of ambiguous requests is usually I’m in and out all day, what’s up?

“I’m working Friday. What were you thinking?”

My thoughts entirely.

Just answer " it depends what you want me for"

It might be shovelling shit, it might be an all day drinking bender.

I think you are hoping for friendship, she just sees you as childcare options op. Stop allowing her to use your kindness like this. Does she ever take you out - cook you dinner? Help you? Or are you just designated babysitter?

Does she ever suggest anything nice to do together? Or does she only text asking for favours?

also if someone actually sent a message saying yes I am that would be the last text they would have from me. Who in real life actually talks to their friends like that?!

Good result - I have a friend like this and always reply 'not sure, why?'.

Sometimes it's asking me for help, sometimes it's asking me to do something together with our kids, sometimes it's asking me to do something when we haven't got the kids.

I just wish she'd say I need help with X/want to do Y, are you/you and the kids free on Z day.

"Ooh, I'm glad you mentioned that actually, as I was going to ask you about Friday. I've got a lot on that day, and I might need to ask you for some help. Sorry, I'm assuming you were going to suggest something fun that we could both do; but at least it's handy to know that you're available then if I do need a favour."

This is like the 'friend' equivalent of when you get persistent salespeople who make it their MO to convince you (often in your own home) that you need what they're selling, and refuse to give you the (buttock-clenchingly high) price until right at the end - when they make it sound like a done deal that you were leading them on all along.