I might not want to help .. What can I respond to "are you busy on Friday?"

[YouDefinitelyShouldNotDoThat]

The mum of one of my daughter's friends often texts to asks me for some help, and I'm often more than happy to. However I like to know what her request is before I answer messages like today's "Hey, are you busy on Friday?". In this particular instance I do have a bit of free time but want to be selective about what I fill that with, as it's my half day off work with the kids. What can I reply so that I can find out her request without revealing what my 'free' time is?

How is this direct? 😂

Although I'm thinking you are taking the piss a bit.

Oh my, I was not expecting such a response to this!! I'm just making my way through the replies now. Thank you all for responding. 😊😊

Yes, exactly! I would always lead with what I'm asking for. I'm not sure why she doesn't do that....

Yes, me too! And I recognise that just because someone may not be busy doesn't mean they are 'free', so I wouldn't even ask about that.

The other thing for me in these situations are, if I’m actually not doing something that day then that’s a precious, rare day for me. Why would I want to commit to random favours for other people?

I would write “Honestly, I’m knackered and worried I’m coming down with something. I’m planning on sleeping in and doing as little as possible.”
My mother was notorious for this shit. Not just needing me to do random things for her but also volunteering me to her friends. I ended up writing a list of valid reasons why I was busy and ticking them off so I didnt repeat them. Things like Pap smear, dentist, work colleague’s going away do - lots of borings that she couldn’t verify.

"I'm not sure yet - loads to do but haven't got my week pinned down. What are you up to?'

That leaves room for her to say what she wants and you can either say 'sorry, I don't have 3 hours spare...' or 'I'll juggle stuff around and block out Friday morning'.

Only cheeky fuckers do this in my experience to swindle you into doing something that likely would have been a no!

I would put money on it being watch their child for free for them so they can do something else. So pre-empt and say I’ve got work on that day, sorry were you hoping to meet for lunch? Maybe a different day. Make her either leave you alone or squirm 🤣

THIS! It’s OPs time with her children that she isn’t getting paid for so she can spend that time with them and I bet she’s about to be asked to watch someone else’s child for free or give someone a lift.

You have plans OP!

Just say yes you are. Don’t let her command it dictate your time.

Just to say, I honestly don't think she is a CF. I think she just has an odd way of communicating. We're both single mums but she has no co-parent and does have it tougher than me. I like to help when I can.

I'd probably say I was waiting for something else to be firmed up and you don't know yet whether it will be Friday, so you can't commit to anything until that's confirmed..

Can you just say, why, what are you thinking? And when she describes her request or plan, you can answer accordingly.

Then I’d put money on her asking you to watch her child. You don’t work and so don’t get paid for that Friday to spend time with your own children. So you’re effectively paying her childcare in a sense if she gets you to watch her child for free instead of a babysitter.

It’s nice you want to help her as another single parent but as someone that often parents alone, as do a lot of my friends, we still aren’t cheeky when asking for help. She should have text directly so you’d know what she wants rather than getting locked in/feeling pressured. My friends also return the favour! Does she? Does she ever help you out?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I think she'd help if I asked. I'm mindful not to put too much onto her because I know I have the stronger support network.

It could be worse, OP, we have a relative who'll stand in the kitchen next to the calendar and say, "right, when do you have a weekend free?".

We stave it off with, "oh, hahaha, that thing is never up to date, what were you thinking?" to fight off being expected to spend a whole weekend on a second cousin's cat's bah mitzvah.

I'd say, 'well, it's my rather precious half day off work with the kids, that I use for a lot of things, why do you ask?'

I've got a few things on, what do you need?

I'd guess childcare too, so be careful how you reply, unless you don't mind child sitting on your day off.

Luckily, I doubt that she is asking about Friday because she's hoping you'll donate a kidney or a piece of your liver. 😇🙃😉

"Yes" is also a complete sentence.

Either ‘what did you have in mind?’ Sounds like you assume something nice. Or ‘No, thank God’ says I’m looking forward to peace.

I have someone who did this and I felt like you. I just asked them to lead in with the request.

It might sound a bit blunt but they were the one wanting my help and that style of asking made me feel a bit backed into a corner. Assuming good intentions, I assumed this wasnt what they wanted and they’d take the feedback on board, which they did.

(If they hadn’t, id have been pleased I stated a boundary).

But that's not what OP was asking. She wants to give a vague response so she can see what she would be giving up her time for. Then she can decide if she wants to do it or not. It's not about being a "wet lettuce".

I am not sure if she is just thoughtless or is aware of how rude she is being. I think something like "why?" or "why do you ask?" is quite a reasonable response.