Terrified to go into my own garden..

[TotallyTangerineGeum]

I just want to preface this by saying that I’ve name changed and MNHQ will be able to verify that I’ve been on here a long while. Just pointing this out, as I’ll inevitably get troll hunted on this one as it makes very little sense! I assure you I have not left anything out whatsoever and I’m sorry it’s such a long post.

I’m a widowed parent of one 11yr old DD. I have a small-ish dog who thankfully doesn’t bark much (which is relevant to this situation).

2 years ago, my usually always very friendly & chatty next door neighbour, randomly blocked me from texting her - which I rarely ever did anyway tbh, only ever if there was a parcel here for her etc. The last time I’d spoken to her, everything had been great. I was utterly mystified but figured it’d be sorted eventually and I’d ask her when I saw her next. With it being winter I didn’t see her for a while and when I did, I was ignored. Really odd but ok…. Maybe I or DD had made some noise? Although she has always assured me vehemently that she can’t hear anything from our side but even so, I don’t allow DD to make noise for my own sake as well as that of others!

Last summer, there were a few occasions when I was in my back garden (6ft fence with vertical planks with small gaps in between) and neighbour’s Dad who was there, shouted over at me. Once when I was taking a photo of a random plant which had popped up so I could identify it, he shouts “Come round if you want to take photos, you fat fuck!” Now, I should’ve asked WTF he was talking about and corrected him but I was too stunned to speak! Another time I got called a “sad pathetic loser” when I was cutting sweet pea flowers off my trellis on our adjoining fence. Followed by him saying to his daughter “Don’t worry she’s obviously got no life” Again, I hugely regret not saying something back and asking what on earth I’m meant to have said or done wrong. But having escaped extremely violent DV, I just don’t have the strength to confront any male and probably never will. It’s fight or flight and I flee. Until today, that is.

Around the end of last year, the neighbour got a dog of their own and despite my calling my dog in every single time, theirs still barks loudly every single time he sees my dog through the fence. I’ve tried putting tarpaulin up on the adjoining fence to prevent their dog seeing mine but nope, it still keeps happening. Thankfully my dog doesn’t usually bark back and if he does, it’s one singular woof to show his displeasure, then he comes in!
About 2 months ago, I wrote neighbour herself a letter (as she just blanks me when I try speaking to her face to face) explaining that I’ve absolutely zero clue what I’ve done to upset her, apologised if it’s noise (though I really don’t think it is, as DD & I are quiet people and when DD is at school, I’m often asleep or at hospital) and explaining that I only have about 12-14 months left to live due to an autoimmune disorder which she actually knows I have, that I want to spend what time I have left with my child in peace and just want to be left alone and politely requested that they stop slamming their front door as it was making us both jump a mile and was affecting DD at school when it happens during the night. I was very polite and promised to do what I can on my part to try and mitigate the situation with her dog seeing mine through the fence (which I have done, I put tarpaulin up but clearly I need to add more!)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and now her Dad is seemingly living there and is making mine & my daughter’s lives a living hell.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I open one of my French doors and either let my dog out for a wee or I dare to step out into my own garden, not only does their dog bark like mad at mine (who now just ignores theirs as he’s used to it!) I get “Oh for fuck’s sake!” or her little boy goes running inside shouting “Mum, Granddad, she’s in her garden again!!!” followed by “Oh for fuck’s sake! Fucking typical!” It’s got to the point where I’m genuinely anxious to go into my own garden and I’m not exaggerating and I’m a keen gardener! I can’t even nip to my greenhouse to get some lettuce without a “Oh for fuck’s sake, fat fuck is out again!” 😳
Last week, I had to mow the lawn as it was the first day I’d had in weeks where I was well enough to do it and they were having a BBQ (I don’t think there were any guests but I decided to be as quick as possible anyway) and well, he was fuming and they went storming inside, slamming the door. I don’t know what was said as I had the mower on but heard door slam. That one was probably my fault for mowing whilst they were having a BBQ but if I’d waited until the next time I was well enough, the grass would’ve been too long to mow!

Another thing which I’ve been ignoring in the hope that it naturally settles (and to avoid confrontation with him), is the fact that their dog barks the ENTIRE TIME he is left in the house alone. Barks loudly and howls. So bad that me making a phone call is nigh on impossible. It’s often overnight also, so that is hell for DD especially. This happened today and I’ve taken to recording clips of it just in case it’s needed in future. When it finally stopped, presumably as he came home, the first thing I did, was quietly let DDog out as I’d kept him in during the barking due to the noise coming from their side. Well, this was a mistake as their dog saw mine and erupted - as per usual! Mine didn’t bark back at all but DD grabbed the treat tub and told him to come in for obvious reasons and neighbour’s Dad shouts “FUCKING TWATS!!!!!” over the fence. Now I have never, ever responded to ANY of it but having just endured hours upon hours of their Alsation barking and howling I snapped and said, calmly, “Your dog has been barking all day!!!” to which he shouts “Because of you! YOU’RE CAUSING IT!!!” “Every fucking day you’re in your garden” I reply “And?!” At which point he slams their door and my DD bursts into tears and call me pathetic but so did I. I’m at my wits end. This is my home. My DD’s home and this is almost certainly the last summer of my life. My only hobby is quietly (& I do mean quietly) pottering around in my garden deadheading flowers or pruning roses etc.

• I don’t ever have visitors besides my 82yr old mother (she’s my only remaining family besides DD) and what friends do bother with me, I just have catch up coffees with in Costa!
• I don’t play music in my home or my garden. If I listen to a podcast or LBC, it’s on earphones.
• My dog rarely barks and if he does, it’s only a tiny bit if he is barked at! He did once bark at an Owl ornament I bought but in his defence, it did blink at night time!!
• I do not speak on the phone in the garden as everyone around me would hear and despite this massive long post, I am quite a quiet person usually!
• DD is rarely in the garden (more’s the pity!) she prefers gaming! She used to play out front on her scooter with some kids from up the street but she’s been too frightened to, since neighbour’s Dad aggressively told her to “Piss off” once about a year ago when he’d arrived about 5 mins after neighbour had left the house and so, being 9, she told him. Who tells a 9yr old to piss off?

I have reported today’s incident to non-emergency police. However a. Officer won’t be free to talk to me until the end of next week which I’m sad about tbh. I could’ve used the advice as right now, I’m terrified to even let my dog out for a wee, let alone step into my garden.
Again, having escaped extreme DV, it’s very difficult for me to not default to flight mode. I’m still shaking and this happened 2 hours ago. Pathetic, I know. I already struggle with anxiety.

Sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss anything out and have to correct people or be accused of drip feeding!

There’s nothing I can do, is there?

And here it is! I knew I’d get this. I can assure you I’m not missing out ANYTHING. This has had me wracking my brains for over 2 years now! Unless they think it was me who reported them for their driveway being in disarray but it wasn’t and I’ve told her this! Very clearly and firmly. Her driveway has zero effect on me and to be honest, just makes my own home look even tidier than it already is!
You clearly have never experienced people turn on you for no apparent reason and I’m glad for you, but I can assure you it does happen and has!

@AfterthefactYes I’ve already put tarpaulin up but I’m going to have to add more!

I cant believe what I'm reading here. You poor, poor thing.
What can we do to help here? Do you want some of us emailing your MP/Local Councillor too? Do you want us to try and contact some big grizzly biker group locally to come have a cuppa in your garden? Don't wanna overstep but in all seriousness, let me know what I can do from not very near, and I'll do it. I'm so sorry you're having to experience this.

The tarpaulin is not to stop them seeing me, it’s to stop the dogs seeing each other! However I didn’t put enough up, so they’re seeing each other next to the tarpaulin where some plants used to be covering the fence but they’ve died down now until next spring! So there’s now a gap where they can see each other. If I take the tarp down, it will 100% escalate the situation as both dogs won’t be able to be in their gardens at the same at all! Trust me, that would be catastrophic as he would lose his mind, as he is getting angry at my dog ‘causing’ their dog to bark by simply being in the garden! I agree it’s batshit logic & utterly ridiculous! But when they bark at each other, I HAVE to bring my dog in, because their dog is so SO bloody loud! Obviously he has absolutely zero basis to lose his mind at me for simply being in my own garden or for my dog being in my garden but for me to purposely remove preventative measures would just antagonise matters and I’ve not only my own health to consider but more importantly, my daughter’s wellbeing as well.

Sadly not, I’m up in North Yorkshire

Oh bless your lovely soul! Thank you. I’ve had some brilliant advice on here which I’m planning on putting into action on Monday morning! (Emailing MP!) and I’ve put up a 360° WiFi Tapo camera in my back garden. Not facing their property but close enough to pick up raised voices and if something kicked off, I could log on and move turn the camera towards the fence if I realllllly needed to. He’s going to be fuming if he spots it but it’s not facing them or capturing their garden, so 🤷🏼‍♀️ Nearly fell off my chair putting it up in my nightie earlier though! Not my finest moment.

Anyway, if you feel the urge to email Tom Gordon MP about it, I wouldn’t stop you! 😚 But please be nice to him, he’s a lovely young man who is doing good things. Astonishing for an MP, I know!

Thank you 😘 Just wish I could stop thinking about it long enough to sleep 💤

Thanks. I’m so sorry you had to endure that. I’m glad you’re free of them now. It’s a horribly invasive feeling isn’t it? My home and my garden are both my small & disorganised sanctuary and I feel like I can no longer fully relax here now. Gutted.

I wish we could all get together and have a massive, rowdy party in your garden until the early hours just to piss off these vile neighbors of yours op! Is anyone up in North Yorks? X

Little bit irrelevant, but is the dad even supposed to live there ? Granted it’s a minor issue in the scheme of things , but he may not even be on the tenancy.

Can you speak with other neighbours? Perhaps inform them of how vile this man and woman are to you , perhaps they can also be a listening ear?

Your neighbours are causing you alarm , harassment and distress . Your MP, will respond to your emails , letters. If they are a good MP, they’ll help. It’s their job and what they are elected for. Particularly regarding everything else your’e going through.

As said many time log everything to the council but also call the police non emergency number every time your abused.

This may also be considered domestic abuse, as you are a prisoner in your own home. He is almost certainly breaking the law regardless.

I already said but get cctv cameras, they aren’t that expensive and someone willl put them up for you if you can’t . Contact the Daily Mail ,they’ll upload the footage online with an article ,also put on your local Facebook group if you are confident enough to do this.

Hopefully this vile man will become public enemy number one very soon. He will be names and shamed for the world to see.

OP I'd also post to the local neighborhood/village group on Facebook - just say neughbours are harassing and abusing you and that you're vulnerable (lone woman w child, terminal illness). You'll get a lot of local people contact you and wanring to help, I'm sure. People might offer to come over or know someone in police/local politician etc...or share something else useful.

She needs local people to help, hence my suggestion for posting on local Facebook page. I'm also wondering if this man is even the "dad" or some sort of older boyfriend of this woman?
She is heartless and a coward, happy to ignore OP and let him do her "dirty work" of senseless abuse 😢 And she has a child she is role modeling this type of crap to, WTH?!!!!

Report this is the police!!!!

Tapo cameras are great, get them cheap from Amazon or even Asda. You don’t need any subscription for them simply pop a micro and card in. We have them for our home security and they’re brilliant really clear picture and capture good sound too!

You mentioned that the HA weren't bothered by the fact that they have an extra adult living there.
Try reporting to the council Housing Benefit / Universal Credit department, if they are in receipt of benefits and a housing allowance, then the change in circumstances may affect a claim.
Also if the original tenant is claiming single occupancy for Council Tax.
This may hit them in the pocket and change the living arrangements.

This is awful in your own home and it seems like harassment rather than just noise.

The only thing that stuck out for me was tackling this from a slight side angle - that if you have a palliative diagnosis of 12 - 14 months and you have contact with a hospice (That’d be St Michael’s I think for Harrogate - I’m in yorkshire too) and you have a nurse with them then you have access to their family support team which includes social workers who could advocate for and advise you on this issue / housing especially if it gets exhausting / overwhelming or the stress makes you feel less well and your time could be better spent with DD and DDog in the hols.

If you didn't know that and it’s useful I really hope it it helps. x

I live no where near you unfortunately, but there must be someone from Harrogate who is on a local Facebook group and can post explaining you are experiencing verbal abuse at home and need some support from the community. We had a similar issue in our local town and about 15 local men turned up to help the person. There wasn’t any violence but gave the perpetrators a taste of their own medicine and as far as I’m aware, it stopped.

Fair enough. I thought you were implying only people born and brought up in Harrogate know how to behave. I am sorry.

I'm in Harrogate too, but not around for most of the summer, so can't come over in person. Sending unmumsnetty hugs. Good luck with Tom Gordon, he seems great from what I have seen.

Does your local police force have a community policing team or do meet and greet events? Ours set up a stand in the town centre once a month where you can go and chat to them. I would be explaining you are a victim of DV and this man has now moved into next to you and is verbally abusing you everytime you open your door, explain your condition and how this is making your life miserable. I’m sure they will happily go round and talk to them. They talked to my neighbour years ago when he turned on us - later found out it was because we disturbed his nap time by putting a mirror up in our bathroom that we didn’t tell him about.

Also, just read another comment about asking to meet face to face. With our neighbour his Housing Association offered to set up a mediation to get things resolved. We said yes, he refused so it never went ahead but it’s worth contacting them and seeing if they could do this for you. At the very least it maybe give you some insight into what their actual problem is. Good luck OP, i genuinely wish I lived nearby as I would absolutely come round to put them straight.

This is harassment, it’s not just a council matter contact your neighbourhood policing team. But yes record everything you can.

Would a Ring bell for the back garden help to make you feel more secure as it would record any offensive comments also?

I am about to shower and go out so it may have been suggested already but have your phone on record every. single. time you go out. Record the whole event as this sounds unbearable. I feel such rage at reading this and wish I still lived in York as is be over eating lettuce and tomatoes at yours every day. Keep us updated lovely.

He's 100% bullying you, & because you're retreating, he's feeling powerful & in control. He feels powerful & in control. You can not go on like this. The cost to your & your DD's mental & physical health is too much. Get the police involved. You've been far too compliant, & need to stand up to this horrendous man who is literally ruining your life. BIG GIRL PANT need to be put on. Stand your ground by using YOUR garden. Don't let the swearing stop you. Record the abuse on your phone, & keep a diary of this abuse, because that's what it is. It's nasty words from a nasty man, who's so pathetic he's decided he's going to bully two females. What a pathetic man. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Log every single incident with the police from here onwards. This is what they advise in these kind of situations. EVERY incident OP - no matter how small. It helps build a log, which will help them address the issue for you.

This sounds deeply unpleasant, I'm so sorry you're going through this. How tall is your fence, out of interest? Could you put a taller fence up, to give yourself a bit more privacy from them?

The dad sounds like he has mental health issues. Definitely a good idea to keep logging everything with the police. Also do you have any male friends that could pop round for a few hours here and there? If this odious old neighbour sees that you have a man in the house/garden he might back off a bit.