Terrified to go into my own garden..

[TotallyTangerineGeum]

I just want to preface this by saying that I’ve name changed and MNHQ will be able to verify that I’ve been on here a long while. Just pointing this out, as I’ll inevitably get troll hunted on this one as it makes very little sense! I assure you I have not left anything out whatsoever and I’m sorry it’s such a long post.

I’m a widowed parent of one 11yr old DD. I have a small-ish dog who thankfully doesn’t bark much (which is relevant to this situation).

2 years ago, my usually always very friendly & chatty next door neighbour, randomly blocked me from texting her - which I rarely ever did anyway tbh, only ever if there was a parcel here for her etc. The last time I’d spoken to her, everything had been great. I was utterly mystified but figured it’d be sorted eventually and I’d ask her when I saw her next. With it being winter I didn’t see her for a while and when I did, I was ignored. Really odd but ok…. Maybe I or DD had made some noise? Although she has always assured me vehemently that she can’t hear anything from our side but even so, I don’t allow DD to make noise for my own sake as well as that of others!

Last summer, there were a few occasions when I was in my back garden (6ft fence with vertical planks with small gaps in between) and neighbour’s Dad who was there, shouted over at me. Once when I was taking a photo of a random plant which had popped up so I could identify it, he shouts “Come round if you want to take photos, you fat fuck!” Now, I should’ve asked WTF he was talking about and corrected him but I was too stunned to speak! Another time I got called a “sad pathetic loser” when I was cutting sweet pea flowers off my trellis on our adjoining fence. Followed by him saying to his daughter “Don’t worry she’s obviously got no life” Again, I hugely regret not saying something back and asking what on earth I’m meant to have said or done wrong. But having escaped extremely violent DV, I just don’t have the strength to confront any male and probably never will. It’s fight or flight and I flee. Until today, that is.

Around the end of last year, the neighbour got a dog of their own and despite my calling my dog in every single time, theirs still barks loudly every single time he sees my dog through the fence. I’ve tried putting tarpaulin up on the adjoining fence to prevent their dog seeing mine but nope, it still keeps happening. Thankfully my dog doesn’t usually bark back and if he does, it’s one singular woof to show his displeasure, then he comes in!
About 2 months ago, I wrote neighbour herself a letter (as she just blanks me when I try speaking to her face to face) explaining that I’ve absolutely zero clue what I’ve done to upset her, apologised if it’s noise (though I really don’t think it is, as DD & I are quiet people and when DD is at school, I’m often asleep or at hospital) and explaining that I only have about 12-14 months left to live due to an autoimmune disorder which she actually knows I have, that I want to spend what time I have left with my child in peace and just want to be left alone and politely requested that they stop slamming their front door as it was making us both jump a mile and was affecting DD at school when it happens during the night. I was very polite and promised to do what I can on my part to try and mitigate the situation with her dog seeing mine through the fence (which I have done, I put tarpaulin up but clearly I need to add more!)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and now her Dad is seemingly living there and is making mine & my daughter’s lives a living hell.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I open one of my French doors and either let my dog out for a wee or I dare to step out into my own garden, not only does their dog bark like mad at mine (who now just ignores theirs as he’s used to it!) I get “Oh for fuck’s sake!” or her little boy goes running inside shouting “Mum, Granddad, she’s in her garden again!!!” followed by “Oh for fuck’s sake! Fucking typical!” It’s got to the point where I’m genuinely anxious to go into my own garden and I’m not exaggerating and I’m a keen gardener! I can’t even nip to my greenhouse to get some lettuce without a “Oh for fuck’s sake, fat fuck is out again!” 😳
Last week, I had to mow the lawn as it was the first day I’d had in weeks where I was well enough to do it and they were having a BBQ (I don’t think there were any guests but I decided to be as quick as possible anyway) and well, he was fuming and they went storming inside, slamming the door. I don’t know what was said as I had the mower on but heard door slam. That one was probably my fault for mowing whilst they were having a BBQ but if I’d waited until the next time I was well enough, the grass would’ve been too long to mow!

Another thing which I’ve been ignoring in the hope that it naturally settles (and to avoid confrontation with him), is the fact that their dog barks the ENTIRE TIME he is left in the house alone. Barks loudly and howls. So bad that me making a phone call is nigh on impossible. It’s often overnight also, so that is hell for DD especially. This happened today and I’ve taken to recording clips of it just in case it’s needed in future. When it finally stopped, presumably as he came home, the first thing I did, was quietly let DDog out as I’d kept him in during the barking due to the noise coming from their side. Well, this was a mistake as their dog saw mine and erupted - as per usual! Mine didn’t bark back at all but DD grabbed the treat tub and told him to come in for obvious reasons and neighbour’s Dad shouts “FUCKING TWATS!!!!!” over the fence. Now I have never, ever responded to ANY of it but having just endured hours upon hours of their Alsation barking and howling I snapped and said, calmly, “Your dog has been barking all day!!!” to which he shouts “Because of you! YOU’RE CAUSING IT!!!” “Every fucking day you’re in your garden” I reply “And?!” At which point he slams their door and my DD bursts into tears and call me pathetic but so did I. I’m at my wits end. This is my home. My DD’s home and this is almost certainly the last summer of my life. My only hobby is quietly (& I do mean quietly) pottering around in my garden deadheading flowers or pruning roses etc.

• I don’t ever have visitors besides my 82yr old mother (she’s my only remaining family besides DD) and what friends do bother with me, I just have catch up coffees with in Costa!
• I don’t play music in my home or my garden. If I listen to a podcast or LBC, it’s on earphones.
• My dog rarely barks and if he does, it’s only a tiny bit if he is barked at! He did once bark at an Owl ornament I bought but in his defence, it did blink at night time!!
• I do not speak on the phone in the garden as everyone around me would hear and despite this massive long post, I am quite a quiet person usually!
• DD is rarely in the garden (more’s the pity!) she prefers gaming! She used to play out front on her scooter with some kids from up the street but she’s been too frightened to, since neighbour’s Dad aggressively told her to “Piss off” once about a year ago when he’d arrived about 5 mins after neighbour had left the house and so, being 9, she told him. Who tells a 9yr old to piss off?

I have reported today’s incident to non-emergency police. However a. Officer won’t be free to talk to me until the end of next week which I’m sad about tbh. I could’ve used the advice as right now, I’m terrified to even let my dog out for a wee, let alone step into my garden.
Again, having escaped extreme DV, it’s very difficult for me to not default to flight mode. I’m still shaking and this happened 2 hours ago. Pathetic, I know. I already struggle with anxiety.

Sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss anything out and have to correct people or be accused of drip feeding!

There’s nothing I can do, is there?

Also get support from palliative care specialist team/social services with your illness - they are excellent support for such situations.

if some has friends round in garden don’t cut the grass - just let it grow - not worth the additional aggro

I hope you have had a relaxing day

Sending you lots of hugs as I’ve been in this exact situation. A mother and son screaming all kinds of obscenities at me just for being in my own garden, and a dog who howled for hours while I worked from home.

I’m disabled and at home 99% of the time, so I know how awful it is to be stuck in a home that makes you miserable. I also shake terribly after these interactions, so I get it.

After 5 years of it, I moved 6 months ago and it is an absolute joy. You forget how liberating it is to have peace in your own home.

My only advice is move as soon as you possibly can and shout back if you ever feel up to it. After 4 years of staying quiet, something tipped me over the edge and I went banging on the neighbours’ door and shouted at them (very out of character for me). Shortly afterwards, they put their house on the market and they moved not long before I did. That made me wish I’d told them off much sooner!

Definitely go to the papers and anyone else who will listen - not sure if jeremy vine is still on the radio but he would be more than happy to help! Do not hold back in describing what an effect this is having on you and your poor daughter, or the dog. If the waterworks start, let them emphasise your situation! I can't begin to imagine how hard all this is for you both and I am so, so sorry these bastards are making what time you have left such a nightmare

Please buy yourself some good quality noise cancelling earphones for when you go into the garden in the first instance. They can be as foul as they like but you won't hear them. Put your phone onto audio record or get a little voice recorder that you can vlick on each and every time. Make a real nuisance of yourself at the housing association. Email them constantly over every little incident. Get your MP involved or your local councillor - make an appointment with them at their surgery. Can you get some back up from Women's Aid or doctor's letters saying your nerves are shot to pueces to help strengthen your case with the police and housing assoc?

I'm wondering if you have a close friend who would be happy to stay with you for a while? You need someone on your side (And daughter of course) You'd feel better I'm sure & you would feel more confident if you had someone backing you up. I'm so sorry you're not well, god bless you. I wish I could help. I don't speak to my neighbours & they can go to hell.

You need to speak with the police and with the council. Start a log of every interaction. You’ve done right not to rise to it and respond. Let the authority deal with it. You need to record the behaviour if you can. So sorry you’re going through this x

If the neighbor is housing association that’s better for I’d suggest. Log all incidents and definitely build a case against the neighbor. She could be evicted with enough evidence.

Apart from reporting to all authorities, I’d look at cctva and if there’s no going back , I’d certainly post on social media and maybe send to the tabloids. The Daily Mail will definitely put online.

A man abusing a woman is not right, hopefully there will be a social media backlash from it.

Get cctv and report to the police online. A log is kept forever and the more you report the better. Surely he’s committing a public order offence at the very least.

Get her evicted !

I’d also be inclined to go to the police station in person. Contact womems charities too as you are being abused.

Women’s Aid ,Victim Support , Crimestoppers.

I’m so sorry that’s happening to you. I personally would log everything that’s happened with dates and times. Email it to the council so they can see their antisocial behaviour. Having a camera would help collect evidence too.

How awful for you, DD and dog. They sound vile! I'd ring the police for sure to report verbal abuse and harassment. Sending you best wishes and hope it's resolved soon! Go out into your garden with your earphones and hold your head high. They are relying on you being intimidated so you need try and brave it out and show you won't back down (I know it's much easier said than done given your previous experiences so fully understand if you can't do this but just my thoughts).

Do you feel comfortable disclosing your autoimmune illness? As depending on what it is, there may be specialist charities and again depending on what it is, they may be able to offer support and advice. Or a palliative care team. This situation will have a direct impact on your health and the teams involved in your care will be able to help. Perhaps someone could help direct you to the appropriate place as I know this isnt directly linked to your health but given a life limiting condition, they often will be able to help with other things that will impact your health and this certainly would. They may be able to help with explaining to the police your need for extra and faster support too.

There are some lovely offers of local support too, I would take those up if you feel too afraid to approach these people, they may be able to offer you some support and give you some confidence to be able to go in your garden. Perhaps if others are checking in on you, the neighbours may be less confident to approach you.

After a long illness once, when I couldn't do any gardening for about a year, I had a local lansdscaper come in to sort out my jungle of a garden. His offsider was a 6 foot tall & 5 foot wide at the shoulders ex-biker called Wolf, who also worked as a bouncer. He looked scary, but he was the sweetest kindest man, who read philosophy and talked about doing his job as a bouncer through principles of non-violence. I'd happily have him round to sit in my garden and chat. And use his 6 foot bulk to shut up nasty neighbours.

Stereotypes, eh?

Right first things first open your french doors and have music playing gently in the background of your home. This will prevent you from living in silence and listening out for horrid comments from the neighbours.

Take the tarpaulin down - I can imagine it's unsightly and would not compliment your garden in any way.
Buy yourself some more beautiful plants and enjoy days in your garden planting, watering, trimming, mowing and having cups of tea and snacks out there. Get yourself some lovely garden furniture and a nice parasol and enjoy spending time reading out there with your little dog.
Keep a notepad and pen near you to write every unsightly comment your neighbours make towards you. You'll feel empowered doing this. Later on you can upload this info to the police for their records. Keep doing it.
Eventually the neighbours will either get bored and find something else to do with their time instead of keeping their eye on your movement, or they will do something poloce-worthy, and all your police records will come to fruition.

Do not make any further contact with them and ignore any attempts of them trying to make communication with you - they've not only burned those bridges but they have insulted and abused you ever since.
Turn your music up a little louder if their dog is continuing to bark while you are in your garden. And ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

I would agree with recording his verbal abuse . It's an awful situation to be in especially as you aren't well . He sounds deranged . Could you contact womens aid for support as you are being terrified by this bully .

Start keeping a log
start ignorinf them and just live your life
you are not obliged to answer them they don’t live with you
if you can, record any tirade
if it becomes threatening then report them
therr are some nasty people on the planet and nice people.
invite church people over, they visit people when they are sick.
if you can, just talk to the Lord about things, he’s a good listener. I lost my husband a year ago and have cancer. I believe we will all be together in eternity and in the meantime it is therapeutic to just say it out loud
hugs and praying for you.

Hiya @TotallyTangerineGeum . I hope you’re ok? This is a brilliant thread for you, I hope it’s helpful.

I think it*s called harassment
Intimidation. Bullying whatever. It's not on. Go to your local police station who should help you.

Hi.
Your HA is spouting absolute tosh. I have worked for a couple of HAs and a couple of housing departments at councils (remember them!).
The 3 month thing is total baloney, all them Monday and, if they spout the 3 month thing, make an official complaint. This has to be logged by HA and acknowledged within 5 working days, assuming this hasn’t changed sine my last HA stint. They then get 10 days to respond. If you are dissatisfied with outcome, you can take it to ‘stage 2’, as an escalation. Again, 5 working days to acknowledge and 20 working days to respond.
You can complain verbally, letter, email, or any other method, such as get a trusted person to complain on your behalf. Keep copies, replies and everything.

If after stage 2, you are still dissatisfied with the HA’s response, the Housing Ombudsman is your friend. However, their findings are final. The HA cannot pout and ignore their findings, but if they say there is no complaint to be upheld, that’s their final say. I cannot see that somehow, if you can get evidence of this hideous abuse.

Also, email your MP,and all the council regarding ASB. Call the police when the neighbours are abusive and you feel threatened by these lunatics who are a staggering waste of carbon.

Keep complaining every time they fob you off. Just out of curiosity, are your awful neighbours abusing anyone else in your street?

Sending you much love up the country.

Get headphones or earbuds and enjoy your garden. Just ignore them.

It's extremely difficult to live alongside these scumbags but please stop blaming yourself. You know you've done nothing wrong to her/them, quite the opposite, but they're behaving like you're the perpetrator.

Think back to conversations you had with your neighbour prior to the change in her behaviour - I suspect her dad's arrival wasn't out of choice and she had to put a barrier in the way to stop you asking awkward questions.

Can you get anything to cover the gaps in the fence to totally block their view of your garden so that you can use it and feel safe? We've had to do this, and the rest x

Your neighbours are to be frank vermin
I understand from your post that you have a serious health condition. For most such things there are not for profit support organisations, get in touch with them and get their help to find a lawyer to do pro bono work for you and get the help of local advice center or agency.
Keep a record of each and every occasion this happens as material if you can take legal action

Sorry to ask... but what are your plans for your daughter after you pass? If she's going to live with family, is it possible for you both to move there now?

It's clear that bikers are perceived as something other than support in court.

So why would they need to hang out in the garden?
For just a few days?
Be be visible to the neighbour?

Supporting in court doesn't require a visible presence in the garden.
Can you explain your reasoning?
What is it I'm meant to be keeping up with?

I went through this with horrible neighbours for almost ten years. Keeping a log was pointless. The Housing Officer totally ignored it. The guy next door was a cuckoo who abused the learning disabled old woman he moved in with. He and his friends made my life hell after I asked them to turn their music down. I'm a woman living alone so they thought they could just bully me till I left but it was my dream home. I too was scared of going out in my garden in case they heard me and started saying awful things. One was that I ought to hang myself. They were all druggies. I think what stopped the male lodger abusing me was when I had called the police because he was shouting at the poor old woman next door and I thought I heard him threatening her physically. Two special constables came round and I told them the hell I'd been going through and they went round and talked to the male. About the same time my councillor who I'd been in contact with arranged a meeting with me and the head of Housing. After that their abuse of me stopped but he carried on abusing the old lady and no one from safeguarding did anything about it. Then one night there was an almighty row and I saw her leave her house in the rain and him throwing her things out after her. Me and her other neighbour called the police and the came and arrested him and he was never allowed back and she was rehoused. I now have lovely new neighbours. My point is if you really can't move keep on complaining to whoever you can. Have a meeting with your councillor MP the police housing officer face to face. Busy people can easily ignore emails or logs. I'm one of those people bullies seem to pick on because I'm easily cowed and tend to think it must be my fault and to wonder what I did wrong. The truth is I did nothing wrong. They are just bullies. So don't waste any time wondering what you did wrong. I wish I'd had a big boyfriend or some biker mates at the time because bullies are cowards. It sounds as if the dad is happy just to abuse you verbally and not physically so there probably is nothing to fear from this lout. So don the noise cancelling headphones and go out and mow the lawn. Trim the hedge too and strim the borders and while your at it do a bit of carpentry or drilling. Good luck. I know it's terrifying but you have to stand up to this type of person or they'll just walk all over you.