Terrified to go into my own garden..

[TotallyTangerineGeum]

I just want to preface this by saying that I’ve name changed and MNHQ will be able to verify that I’ve been on here a long while. Just pointing this out, as I’ll inevitably get troll hunted on this one as it makes very little sense! I assure you I have not left anything out whatsoever and I’m sorry it’s such a long post.

I’m a widowed parent of one 11yr old DD. I have a small-ish dog who thankfully doesn’t bark much (which is relevant to this situation).

2 years ago, my usually always very friendly & chatty next door neighbour, randomly blocked me from texting her - which I rarely ever did anyway tbh, only ever if there was a parcel here for her etc. The last time I’d spoken to her, everything had been great. I was utterly mystified but figured it’d be sorted eventually and I’d ask her when I saw her next. With it being winter I didn’t see her for a while and when I did, I was ignored. Really odd but ok…. Maybe I or DD had made some noise? Although she has always assured me vehemently that she can’t hear anything from our side but even so, I don’t allow DD to make noise for my own sake as well as that of others!

Last summer, there were a few occasions when I was in my back garden (6ft fence with vertical planks with small gaps in between) and neighbour’s Dad who was there, shouted over at me. Once when I was taking a photo of a random plant which had popped up so I could identify it, he shouts “Come round if you want to take photos, you fat fuck!” Now, I should’ve asked WTF he was talking about and corrected him but I was too stunned to speak! Another time I got called a “sad pathetic loser” when I was cutting sweet pea flowers off my trellis on our adjoining fence. Followed by him saying to his daughter “Don’t worry she’s obviously got no life” Again, I hugely regret not saying something back and asking what on earth I’m meant to have said or done wrong. But having escaped extremely violent DV, I just don’t have the strength to confront any male and probably never will. It’s fight or flight and I flee. Until today, that is.

Around the end of last year, the neighbour got a dog of their own and despite my calling my dog in every single time, theirs still barks loudly every single time he sees my dog through the fence. I’ve tried putting tarpaulin up on the adjoining fence to prevent their dog seeing mine but nope, it still keeps happening. Thankfully my dog doesn’t usually bark back and if he does, it’s one singular woof to show his displeasure, then he comes in!
About 2 months ago, I wrote neighbour herself a letter (as she just blanks me when I try speaking to her face to face) explaining that I’ve absolutely zero clue what I’ve done to upset her, apologised if it’s noise (though I really don’t think it is, as DD & I are quiet people and when DD is at school, I’m often asleep or at hospital) and explaining that I only have about 12-14 months left to live due to an autoimmune disorder which she actually knows I have, that I want to spend what time I have left with my child in peace and just want to be left alone and politely requested that they stop slamming their front door as it was making us both jump a mile and was affecting DD at school when it happens during the night. I was very polite and promised to do what I can on my part to try and mitigate the situation with her dog seeing mine through the fence (which I have done, I put tarpaulin up but clearly I need to add more!)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and now her Dad is seemingly living there and is making mine & my daughter’s lives a living hell.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I open one of my French doors and either let my dog out for a wee or I dare to step out into my own garden, not only does their dog bark like mad at mine (who now just ignores theirs as he’s used to it!) I get “Oh for fuck’s sake!” or her little boy goes running inside shouting “Mum, Granddad, she’s in her garden again!!!” followed by “Oh for fuck’s sake! Fucking typical!” It’s got to the point where I’m genuinely anxious to go into my own garden and I’m not exaggerating and I’m a keen gardener! I can’t even nip to my greenhouse to get some lettuce without a “Oh for fuck’s sake, fat fuck is out again!” 😳
Last week, I had to mow the lawn as it was the first day I’d had in weeks where I was well enough to do it and they were having a BBQ (I don’t think there were any guests but I decided to be as quick as possible anyway) and well, he was fuming and they went storming inside, slamming the door. I don’t know what was said as I had the mower on but heard door slam. That one was probably my fault for mowing whilst they were having a BBQ but if I’d waited until the next time I was well enough, the grass would’ve been too long to mow!

Another thing which I’ve been ignoring in the hope that it naturally settles (and to avoid confrontation with him), is the fact that their dog barks the ENTIRE TIME he is left in the house alone. Barks loudly and howls. So bad that me making a phone call is nigh on impossible. It’s often overnight also, so that is hell for DD especially. This happened today and I’ve taken to recording clips of it just in case it’s needed in future. When it finally stopped, presumably as he came home, the first thing I did, was quietly let DDog out as I’d kept him in during the barking due to the noise coming from their side. Well, this was a mistake as their dog saw mine and erupted - as per usual! Mine didn’t bark back at all but DD grabbed the treat tub and told him to come in for obvious reasons and neighbour’s Dad shouts “FUCKING TWATS!!!!!” over the fence. Now I have never, ever responded to ANY of it but having just endured hours upon hours of their Alsation barking and howling I snapped and said, calmly, “Your dog has been barking all day!!!” to which he shouts “Because of you! YOU’RE CAUSING IT!!!” “Every fucking day you’re in your garden” I reply “And?!” At which point he slams their door and my DD bursts into tears and call me pathetic but so did I. I’m at my wits end. This is my home. My DD’s home and this is almost certainly the last summer of my life. My only hobby is quietly (& I do mean quietly) pottering around in my garden deadheading flowers or pruning roses etc.

• I don’t ever have visitors besides my 82yr old mother (she’s my only remaining family besides DD) and what friends do bother with me, I just have catch up coffees with in Costa!
• I don’t play music in my home or my garden. If I listen to a podcast or LBC, it’s on earphones.
• My dog rarely barks and if he does, it’s only a tiny bit if he is barked at! He did once bark at an Owl ornament I bought but in his defence, it did blink at night time!!
• I do not speak on the phone in the garden as everyone around me would hear and despite this massive long post, I am quite a quiet person usually!
• DD is rarely in the garden (more’s the pity!) she prefers gaming! She used to play out front on her scooter with some kids from up the street but she’s been too frightened to, since neighbour’s Dad aggressively told her to “Piss off” once about a year ago when he’d arrived about 5 mins after neighbour had left the house and so, being 9, she told him. Who tells a 9yr old to piss off?

I have reported today’s incident to non-emergency police. However a. Officer won’t be free to talk to me until the end of next week which I’m sad about tbh. I could’ve used the advice as right now, I’m terrified to even let my dog out for a wee, let alone step into my garden.
Again, having escaped extreme DV, it’s very difficult for me to not default to flight mode. I’m still shaking and this happened 2 hours ago. Pathetic, I know. I already struggle with anxiety.

Sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss anything out and have to correct people or be accused of drip feeding!

There’s nothing I can do, is there?

Invite your friends to your house! Sit in the garden with them with your dog. The neighbours might think twice about saying something and if they did, you have support. Sorry you’re going through this, they sound bloody awful.

I am so sorry you are experiencing all this. I have read all your posts, but not the entire thread so forgive me if I am saying what others may have.

1. Highly recommend Tapo cameras. VFM & easy to use/set up. Tons of options, various price brackets.
2. Try Victim Support for help. It is what they are there for. My own experience with them has been dreadful but that was/is a locally commissioned service. You should have better luck as you are not in my area. They should be able to offer both practical and emotional support.

Could you rent your house out and use the rent to rent elsewhere? Or live in Airbnbs.
Or sell up?

Hi
Install garden cameras.
Invite your friends and family round.
Report to the the council.
Write everything down.
Just get on with your life and try to ignore it.
Write a letter and copy it, post it, saying you will not put up with the swearing.

Is this your property or are you a tenant? Did you speak to the housing officer if you're a tenant or community safety team if not? Reason In asking is because tenants and private housing are dealt with in different ways. Your neighbour knows about your health condition, therefore it would be reasonable to assume that anyone else staying in the house would know. Either way it's the tenant or homeowners responsibility to make them aware. I would wait for an officer to call but in the meantime record the abuse on your phone and play it back to the visiting officer. I think you're a victim of hate crime and if so, this is the best route to a solution. Don't be surprised if the officer decides to speak to them after speaking to you but please record everything you can and keep filling in the logs as best you can. Good luck.

Check if your home insurance has legal cover, there is usually a free helpline number to speak to a solicitor and some will provide you a free solicitor for situations such as this

@TotallyTangerineGeum Very sorry about your medical condition and I hope you are doing OK.

A few things (and sorry... I know others will have already mentioned some of these points...)

If their dog is barking constantly whenever you or your dog enter your garden, that's not your issue. That's an issue with their dog, and they need to sort their issue with their dog.

If they are making a lot of noise at night time, with banging doors and the dog barking, have you considered ear plugs for you and your daughter? There are many different types available and they are good for sleep.

Given they are acting completely unreasonably and irrationally (who knows why - some people really are weird as fuck, and are incapable of discussion), I think the best course of action is to end all dialogue with them. If they shout at you, don't respond or say anything back. Equally, don't give in to the temptation of doing something to aggravate them. Pacisifism is the best course of action.

When going into your garden, it would be a good idea to have your phone recording so you can get audio clips of them shouting abuse for future evidence if needed.

Contact environmental health about the noise/dog barking. They can give you a noise monitor for about 2 weeks to record it all and then if they are satisfied its noise pollution (which im pretty sure they will be) then they can take action.
You should report every incident of abuse and harassment to the police. Perhaps put up a camera into your back and front garden, ensure you use cctv in progress signage.

Where do you live?? I’ll go round and have a word!!! I’m fuming for you!!! You really don’t need this.

How dare they!?!?!!!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. They sound like nutcases all you can do is report to police and council. Do you have a friend or relative who can support you and sit in the garden as a witness and moral support

Hi OP, this is one of the most awful things I have read on Mumsnet. What nasty people. You deserve to live your life without having to worry about them. I absolutely would report them to the police. They are ruining your quality of life. If your housing is council or housing association I would also complain to them. I would also keep a diary with dates and times of antisocial behaviour so you have a log of it. And maybe a ring doorbell to record things. Absolutely awful. Hope you manage to get a resolution.

How horrible. You sound like a nice lady and in the last period of your life you dont need this hassle. Your neighbours are rude and they seem like they're taking advantage of your quiet nature.
Just live your life doing what you want in your own house and garden. The next time they say something just firmly and loudly tell them to f*ck off. Then completely ignore their bullying behaviour and carry on with your life without letting them intimidate you any further.

Your housing association do not have to wait 3 months before they take action. That is rubbish, especially as you have a life limiting condition. As others have said, get onto your MP immediately. It's amazing how much sway a call from his office will have on useless HA personnel. Also, let your GP kniw and get a letter from them to the HA to confirm the affect this abuse is having on you. It sounds like the tenant has moved someone into their property who is harassing you, this is completely unacceptable. As well as recording the bloody dog, make sure you record the abuse. Get out into your garden, do not let this pig intimidate you.

Report. Report. Report. Record it on your phone, it doesn't have to be video, audio would suffice so he can't see your phone. This is absolutely shocking and you need to be STRONG. Record everything, dates, times, language used. Good luck.

Let us know where you live and we will collectively come round and generally be obnoxious and spend all the time in the garden. Honestly, these types of people need to get a dose of their own medicine. Happy to spend a few weeks at yours slamming doors and having loud conversations in the garden. I’ll bring my dogs and some screeching parrots if it helps.

sounds like a horrible situation OP and I feel for you.

What an arse he is. Go out in your garden late at night shouting up yer bum ... up yer bummmm ... up yer bummmmm...
Fuck em mate. Carry on doing what you want.

Sorry, it might not be best etiquette but you are well within your rights to mow your lawn whenever the fancy takes you as long as it's not like 11pm or some ridiculous time like that. And also you can be in your garden however much you like, if his dog barks as a reaction, that's their problem, not yours. Tbh even though the female neighbour is not nice, it seems like it's the dad that's the real problem. Maybe the police or council can demand that he moves out? I'm not sure, but he can defo be reported for harassment. Ive got a horrible neighbour, when he shouts, I don't respond much, but I do record because if I report to the council, I want them to see that I took the high road, while he acts like a juvenile.

Why don’t people wcwn bother reading the ops comments, she’s said where she lives several times.

I would too. Those b**ds would be getting a piece of my mind for sure. No way would I stand for that 🤬

So sorry to hear about all the trouble you’re having. Your neighbour sounds like a bully and I imagine in the sort of man that wouldn’t say a peep to a bloke! He’s the pathetic one!

have you considered a ring outdoor camera? It would trigger recording when you go out into your garden and should capture any verbal abuse that follows. We have one in our back garden. They have better visibility than a ring doorbell too.

so sorry you're going through this. I often read posts on Mumsnet but very rarely reply; however, I felt compelled to respond to yours.I really feel for you because it's easy for people to say, "Stand up to them," or "Don't put up with it," but some of us find confrontation and conflict incredibly difficult for all sorts of reasons. You also mentioned a history of domestic abuse, which can make situations like this even harder to navigate.On top of that, you have a child to care for and a serious illness to contend with. I'm also sorry to hear that you don't have close friends nearby for support. That must feel very isolating.I noticed that you're in North Yorkshire, and I genuinely hope you're able to find a resolution to this situation. It's incredibly difficult, and nobody should be made to feel intimidated or bullied in their own home. That's exactly what these people are doing—they're bullying you.Do you have any other sources of support available to you? Given your health issues, I wondered whether there might be some form of additional support through social services, adult social care, or another local service. I know being a tenant can make things more complicated, but if the situation becomes unbearable, is there any possibility of getting support with a move?I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. I hope things improve for you soon, and I hope you're able to access the support and help that you deserve. Take care of yourself

OP you are being bullied by your neighbours and gaslit by the council. You don't need to record/report noise for 3 months. Contact Sanctum Consultants - they have a website with their Noise Direct service advertised on it - who will give you inexpensive and helpful advice on how to deal with your council and the neighbours. They saved my bacon in a very similar situation to yours, more than once.

This sounds awful I really feel for you, I’m glad posting on here has made you feel a little bit better. I understand you’ve had a bad history so confronting the guy may not be possible for you as I know it’s caused a lot of anxiety this time. Get on to the MP, tell the police everything you have written in this post when they do call and keep your records. If something happens again then post again as we will all help you as much as possible from afar. If it gets worse for you then I would come up I’m in Manchester, bully men really don’t faze me but I would be going round and going IN on this guy if that’s the sort of help you need just let me know x

@CaptainMyCaptain sorry if you thought my post about being a local was racist, its just that its a small town and people will know the neighbour if she went to school there.
What she needs is a few willing volunteers to stand in the back garden pretending to be house swappers, mention that the children are very keen on learning new musical instruments, the newest being the drums and the violin. That their own two massive dogs will soon see off the alasation, so much fun could be had winding up next door that they will be begging you to stay put

No. No. No. I am fuming for you. This is not ok. So annoyed for you after seeing this post on Facebook so I created an account on here to hopefully see you update soon..

Contact your local MP, please.. some are actually helpful and will do everything to help.

Do your HA know about you not having long left? Surely they cannot expect you to spend a quarter of your remaining life recording things before they even action 😭 that makes me want to cry.

Have you mentioned all of this to your GP? Surely they can help and offer some advice.. I know someone who had a baby and became really depressed with her neighbours noise and they wrote a letter to her HA / Council.

If I think of anything else I will edit and I really hope you are able to read this. I don’t hear a mums net account.