Terrified to go into my own garden..

[TotallyTangerineGeum]

I just want to preface this by saying that I’ve name changed and MNHQ will be able to verify that I’ve been on here a long while. Just pointing this out, as I’ll inevitably get troll hunted on this one as it makes very little sense! I assure you I have not left anything out whatsoever and I’m sorry it’s such a long post.

I’m a widowed parent of one 11yr old DD. I have a small-ish dog who thankfully doesn’t bark much (which is relevant to this situation).

2 years ago, my usually always very friendly & chatty next door neighbour, randomly blocked me from texting her - which I rarely ever did anyway tbh, only ever if there was a parcel here for her etc. The last time I’d spoken to her, everything had been great. I was utterly mystified but figured it’d be sorted eventually and I’d ask her when I saw her next. With it being winter I didn’t see her for a while and when I did, I was ignored. Really odd but ok…. Maybe I or DD had made some noise? Although she has always assured me vehemently that she can’t hear anything from our side but even so, I don’t allow DD to make noise for my own sake as well as that of others!

Last summer, there were a few occasions when I was in my back garden (6ft fence with vertical planks with small gaps in between) and neighbour’s Dad who was there, shouted over at me. Once when I was taking a photo of a random plant which had popped up so I could identify it, he shouts “Come round if you want to take photos, you fat fuck!” Now, I should’ve asked WTF he was talking about and corrected him but I was too stunned to speak! Another time I got called a “sad pathetic loser” when I was cutting sweet pea flowers off my trellis on our adjoining fence. Followed by him saying to his daughter “Don’t worry she’s obviously got no life” Again, I hugely regret not saying something back and asking what on earth I’m meant to have said or done wrong. But having escaped extremely violent DV, I just don’t have the strength to confront any male and probably never will. It’s fight or flight and I flee. Until today, that is.

Around the end of last year, the neighbour got a dog of their own and despite my calling my dog in every single time, theirs still barks loudly every single time he sees my dog through the fence. I’ve tried putting tarpaulin up on the adjoining fence to prevent their dog seeing mine but nope, it still keeps happening. Thankfully my dog doesn’t usually bark back and if he does, it’s one singular woof to show his displeasure, then he comes in!
About 2 months ago, I wrote neighbour herself a letter (as she just blanks me when I try speaking to her face to face) explaining that I’ve absolutely zero clue what I’ve done to upset her, apologised if it’s noise (though I really don’t think it is, as DD & I are quiet people and when DD is at school, I’m often asleep or at hospital) and explaining that I only have about 12-14 months left to live due to an autoimmune disorder which she actually knows I have, that I want to spend what time I have left with my child in peace and just want to be left alone and politely requested that they stop slamming their front door as it was making us both jump a mile and was affecting DD at school when it happens during the night. I was very polite and promised to do what I can on my part to try and mitigate the situation with her dog seeing mine through the fence (which I have done, I put tarpaulin up but clearly I need to add more!)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and now her Dad is seemingly living there and is making mine & my daughter’s lives a living hell.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I open one of my French doors and either let my dog out for a wee or I dare to step out into my own garden, not only does their dog bark like mad at mine (who now just ignores theirs as he’s used to it!) I get “Oh for fuck’s sake!” or her little boy goes running inside shouting “Mum, Granddad, she’s in her garden again!!!” followed by “Oh for fuck’s sake! Fucking typical!” It’s got to the point where I’m genuinely anxious to go into my own garden and I’m not exaggerating and I’m a keen gardener! I can’t even nip to my greenhouse to get some lettuce without a “Oh for fuck’s sake, fat fuck is out again!” 😳
Last week, I had to mow the lawn as it was the first day I’d had in weeks where I was well enough to do it and they were having a BBQ (I don’t think there were any guests but I decided to be as quick as possible anyway) and well, he was fuming and they went storming inside, slamming the door. I don’t know what was said as I had the mower on but heard door slam. That one was probably my fault for mowing whilst they were having a BBQ but if I’d waited until the next time I was well enough, the grass would’ve been too long to mow!

Another thing which I’ve been ignoring in the hope that it naturally settles (and to avoid confrontation with him), is the fact that their dog barks the ENTIRE TIME he is left in the house alone. Barks loudly and howls. So bad that me making a phone call is nigh on impossible. It’s often overnight also, so that is hell for DD especially. This happened today and I’ve taken to recording clips of it just in case it’s needed in future. When it finally stopped, presumably as he came home, the first thing I did, was quietly let DDog out as I’d kept him in during the barking due to the noise coming from their side. Well, this was a mistake as their dog saw mine and erupted - as per usual! Mine didn’t bark back at all but DD grabbed the treat tub and told him to come in for obvious reasons and neighbour’s Dad shouts “FUCKING TWATS!!!!!” over the fence. Now I have never, ever responded to ANY of it but having just endured hours upon hours of their Alsation barking and howling I snapped and said, calmly, “Your dog has been barking all day!!!” to which he shouts “Because of you! YOU’RE CAUSING IT!!!” “Every fucking day you’re in your garden” I reply “And?!” At which point he slams their door and my DD bursts into tears and call me pathetic but so did I. I’m at my wits end. This is my home. My DD’s home and this is almost certainly the last summer of my life. My only hobby is quietly (& I do mean quietly) pottering around in my garden deadheading flowers or pruning roses etc.

• I don’t ever have visitors besides my 82yr old mother (she’s my only remaining family besides DD) and what friends do bother with me, I just have catch up coffees with in Costa!
• I don’t play music in my home or my garden. If I listen to a podcast or LBC, it’s on earphones.
• My dog rarely barks and if he does, it’s only a tiny bit if he is barked at! He did once bark at an Owl ornament I bought but in his defence, it did blink at night time!!
• I do not speak on the phone in the garden as everyone around me would hear and despite this massive long post, I am quite a quiet person usually!
• DD is rarely in the garden (more’s the pity!) she prefers gaming! She used to play out front on her scooter with some kids from up the street but she’s been too frightened to, since neighbour’s Dad aggressively told her to “Piss off” once about a year ago when he’d arrived about 5 mins after neighbour had left the house and so, being 9, she told him. Who tells a 9yr old to piss off?

I have reported today’s incident to non-emergency police. However a. Officer won’t be free to talk to me until the end of next week which I’m sad about tbh. I could’ve used the advice as right now, I’m terrified to even let my dog out for a wee, let alone step into my garden.
Again, having escaped extreme DV, it’s very difficult for me to not default to flight mode. I’m still shaking and this happened 2 hours ago. Pathetic, I know. I already struggle with anxiety.

Sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss anything out and have to correct people or be accused of drip feeding!

There’s nothing I can do, is there?

Ring doorbell is good. Its hard to remember to film when you are frightened so an instant record ring doorbell is fabulous. Place it up high so they cannot reach it. And point it directly at the bastards!!!

You need to reclaim the yard with the dog. The more the dog is outside the more it can claim its territory and the other dog knows its there

Obsessed with all these MNs nearby. Who’s got a bbq and a bigger lawnmower? I’m in london so can’t join but will send up the wine for a garden party!

Easy For me to say when I don’t live with this vileness, but hopefully having some new friends and people in your life can bring some moments of joy (or moments to talk crap like someone else offered) to balance the gross unfairness of the world.

@TotallyTangerineGeum you’ve said a few times how weak you feel. You sound the utter fucking opposite. Yes you’re not a lunatic who insults people over a fence, but I know who I’d rather be. Or have as my mother. You are utterly fabulous. As I’m sure are your tomatoes. ✨

So you still don't know why all of a sudden your neighbour blocked you?! It does sound like they think you've complained about the dog. Don't try and appease them again, you haven't done anything wrong and you sent a letter asking if you did. They can see an easy target.

do you know the neighbours on the other side?

I know it's so easy for me to say, but I think you should go in your garden as much as you can. You're not doing anything wrong. They're nothing but idiotic bullies.

Your daughter should be able to go into her garden as much as she wants, and as you said enjoy the summer holidays ❤

it's absolutely ridiculous they've got their kid so involved in this rubbish that he runs and tells them if you go into your garden!

If they shout at you again for "setting the dog off" tell them to try training it if you feel brave enough.
If not, just completely ignore them and the dog, and pretend you haven't heard them. You could pretend you're on your phone, just try and stay out for a bit longer in your garden each time before going in.

Don't stand for this, you need to find your anger, and if you can't get angry, could you reply calmly the next time he calls you a fat fuck and ask what it is you've done. I bet he won't reply.

Fuck em! How dare they upset your daughter like that?!

Go to Citizens Advice or a Solicitor and see if they can send a cease and desist letter to your neighbours. This is a first warning to them and will advise further civil action will follow if they continue to harass you. The letter may be enough to stop them in their tracks once they know you have reported it. Behaviour that causes alarm and distress on at least two occasions constitutes harassment under UK law so given they only have to do it twice, it’s surprising that the police and HA are not doing more to help you. Definitely go to your local MP and see if they can give the police/HA/Council a kick up the arse, especially given your health issues and the effect it’s having on your DD. I second putting it out to your local FB group and see if you can get some support from the community. Your HA housing officer should really be paying you a home visit to discuss your concerns (and visiting your neighbour), their response is woeful. Good luck. x

What a horrendous situation to be in. I really feel for you and your daughter. Contact victimsupport.org.uk. The have a department that deals specifically with neighbours and a helpline. Xxx

I really feel for you, @TotallyTangerineGeum you're lots getting of really excellent advice here. I’m really struck by how strong you are seemingly with no outside support from family and friends. So my suggestions are about ways you could gather moral support around you in person. MN is great but you need people around you IRL.

I wondered about an adult social worker, to help you navigate the system, and offer you and your DD some in-person support?

Also, what about a local church? They might be able to help in giving you support and safety?

Also, their dog is clearly untrained and aggressive and the barking suggests it’s in distress. The Council and the RSPCA might be very interested in this - sounds like borderline animal neglect.

And you don’t have to answer what I’m going to ask, but you say you are in the last years of a terminal illness (although I hope that is not true). Are there guardianship arrangements for your DD? Could you call on those guardians early - again, to give you in person support.

I wish I could send my sister around to you - she knows people … she had a young man who assaulted her daughter warned off - no violence, but he was left in no doubt that any further assaults of young women and he’d be dealt with. I was aghast when she told me this, but she’d be quite useful to you!

Further to other suggestions, can you get away for a few days to relatives/friends? Bugger the tomatoes, your nerves must shredded.

Biker friends?
Why?
Assumptions of character or stereotyping.
How ignorant.

Have you tried knocking on the door to clear the air? I would demonstrate first that you’ve tried all forms of communication (writing notes is quite limiting I find). Go high before going low (revenge etc), even though they are clearly dumb as…

You haven't done anything wrong. They are unhinged and bullying you and intent on making you miserable. Are you able to purchase some noise cancelling headphones in the interim? These AND foam earplugs cuts out all noise and they can 'see' you cannot hear them and are ignoring them. Sing along to any tunes and sound un perturbed. I would not retaliate with these particular people. You shouldn't have to do any of this, but needs must. It has crossed my mind that they maybe trying to force you out to get someone they know in.

Not ignorant at all. Bikers have been known to support victims of bullying and harassment in court etc.
Try to keep up.

So sorry you are experiencing this.

I Would write a letter to them explaining your terminal illness and that you just want peace.

I would make a complaint in writing (have a look on your HA website for how to make a complaint).

I am also in a housing association property and vulnerable. The housing association have a duty of care towards you and your DD due to your vulnerabilities. I find if you make a complaint, the people that work in the complaints department have the knowledge around what they legally have to do and are able to access the right people.... Whereas, the call handler may not. They also have to respond to things within certain time frames, which can help speed things up.

You should have a housing officer who manages the properties in your area. You could ask who they are, if you do not know, and ask for them to contact you. Part of their job is to manage the tenants in the properties they oversee. The HA will likely also have people responsible for safeguarding tenants in your area and they could help move you, if necessary. You're being abused in your own property - it's unacceptable.

You can email your local councillor/s and ask for support. I've done this and found them helpful, as well as the MP. If you don't get anywhere, let the local press know about your situation. They are always looking for stories.

I also wish I lived near you as I'd come and sit in the garden with you just to piss these vile people off.

Or walk into the garden holding your Ring camera. They will know what it is then won't they?

Honestly this man is a nasty abusive twat. I’d also contact social services to explain that next doors child is at safeguarding risk from an abusive man.

Next time it happens stand in your garden and call the police and say his abuse is making you fear you are immediately at risk

Genius!

No it wouldn’t work like that to my knowledge. If I moved, it would be a swap with someone elsewhere. The only way he’d have a scrape of a chance would be if I gave up my tenancy. Even then, he’d have no more chance than anyone else and to be honest, bring a single man he wouldn’t be entitled to a 2 bed house anyway so no he wouldn’t get it. Single men/women are only entitled to a 1 bed flat/house

He’s got no chance. As I said to a PP, if I moved, it’d be a swap and even if I gave up my tenancy (no chance!), he’s a single man so he wouldn’t be entitled to a 2 bed house anyway! It would go to a parent/couple with either 1 child (or 2 children of the same sex who are deemed ok to share by social housing standards). Single people are only entitled to 1 bed properties. So it may well be his aim but it absolutely wouldn’t happen. My area is crying out for social housing, the homeless hostels are all full. They’d never allow a man to have a 2 bed house which could house a family of up to 4 people.

Also, the last I heard (2 years ago when he was all friendly and chatty) he owned a house and was appealing a planning decision for an extension or something. So not a clue why he’s living next door!

Honestly, if I called social services they would likely just categorise it as a malicious report for reasons pertaining to an ongoing neighbour dispute. I’ve heard that the bar is so so high for social services to investigate these days. That’s why so many of these heinous cases we hear about, are happening.

Absolutely not! Not a chance. He’s a very volatile man and as I mentioned several times, having survived extremely violent domestic abuse, my nerves wouldn’t allow me the strength to do this. I’m glad for your sake, if you don’t know what this feels like.

It's against the law to point a camera directly at a neighbouring property.

I wish! Sadly I only have my elderly mum who wouldn’t cope with visitors for one overnight, never mind multiple and I only have one friend who I’m not close enough with, to stay with. If I had the money I’d take us to a dog friendly hotel on the coast or hire a camper van for a week!

What approximate area are you in? I'd be happy to come around and make sure you're ok in your garden. How dare these people!!

Aww thank you. ☺️