Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

If you pick somewhere technically greater London (IE Bromley and some parts near Orpington) you just tap in at the train stations and it's no more expensive than any train in London. It's also 25min or less into Cannon Street/The City

Where on earth did you move that there’s no food delivery, uber eats etc??

Even in rural parts of North Yorkshire, Lancashire etc there are supermarket deliveries, food drivers, online orders with same or next day delivery!

The OP is talking about moving near to a northern city like Leeds or Manchester. I can assure you they are not some uncivilised hinterlands. It’s so offensive when people generalise about ‘The North’ without having experience of living there.

I was in Leeds the other week. The shops and Uber rides were wonderful. I'm going back for a good mooch with sons partner. She loves shopping.

Yes indeed -areas like this and also lots of other areas within the TFL zones , give you maximum flexibility on jobs, if you can get a local ish one great, if you can’t it’s easy for a hybrid job, even if looking for something a lot less stressful or less hours and it of course makes the partners job a lot easier if London based - I don’t think this is what OP wants though , I think she’s thinking a really nice big house in a nice but much cheaper area, but not factoring in her OP - it may be however her OP is fully ok and on board now- I think though it’s important to maybe think about flexibility If moving up north , it doesn’t automatically mean there will be suitable jobs on the doorstep and plenty will still have 30 minutes plus commuting .- even if not every day .i think OP gave specific reasons and they are ones that can be worked around , but the reality may be that her heart is no longer in it in the south east - on the other hand she might be busy buying that lovely house I suggested in Guildford- lol!!

This was a tiny market town that had 1 supermarket. It was constantly closed because health and safety would come round and shut it because of hygiene issues.
I went the first time and saw green chicken in the freezer cabinets and a floor that I don’t think had seen a mop in years

I ended up driving miles each week to get food

We have lived on the outskirts of London where they didn’t have supermarket or takeaway delivery services.

Uber eats or the equivalent said it was too far

Supermarket delivery services said they couldn’t park on the road because it was an unlit single lane with passing spaces and parking on the road to unload the van would block traffic if anyone came up or down the road

Couldn’t use the driveways because of a combination of the road camber and small hill that you went up to get to the property that normal Luton vans that the delivery services use would scrape the front and the back of the van on the hill or the road as they came into or left the property

Once saw a van get stuck coming out of one of the driveways. Workmen drove out of the driveway and the nose of the van hit the camber of the road and couldn’t move.

i havent read the whole thread OP, but household work and childcare is also exhausting. He is contributing in a different way. If you move - you may risk job security but also he may expect you to put in more hours of housework and childcare - which is also very tiring. Especially when the children are primary school age.

i have a similar relationship with my husband although he is 10 years older. I earn 6 times what he does but he now does far more of the childcare. However it is all getting easier as children are now older and my youngest is going into year 7 in September.

So you moved very rural then. Thats not what the OP is suggesting.

You would have known all these things before you moved.