Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

Thank you. I know there are loads of creative things going on up north, but take it from me there’s really only London for what he does. For him it’s the equivalent of teaching in Cambridge - an incredibly prestigious dream role. So I could ask him to move to a polytechnic equivalent but he would see that as a massive step down (and it would be). It just doesn’t pay much annoyingly.

Depending on where you go in commuter land you may still pay a premium for a nice house in a nice area with a doable commute to London.

That’s the problem really - we’d have an awful commute or a much worse house, possibly both.

Whereas if we moved near my family we’d have massive lovely house, near my family, small commute for me as I’d get a job in the area….but huge commute for DH. Which I agree doesn’t seem fair.

I would move. You only get one life and working yourself literally to death sounds awful.

Can you not move somewhere with good links to London? The fast trains are only a few hours.

Also don’t underestimate the impact of helpful grandparents etc on family life. DH and I initially lived abroad when the kids were little, but now live near family. The difference is immense, especially for childcare. I used to dread DH working away (granted toddlers are so much harder work than primary age kids so that makes a huge difference) but now I don’t mind too much as I know my parents are so close and happy to help

Whats your job opportunities outside London? I’d look for some realistic options before making any serious plans

Does he have to continue teaching? Yes, I know that’s his passion but something may have to give longterm.

I know a lot more creatives and they’ve almost all had to think sideways especially if they have children. The ones I know where one is a creative and the other a high earner often have family money to buy in a nice London area and for both of them to continue working in London.

Seems as fair as you supporting the family and working yourself literally into the grave. I think. Him commuting is a fair price to pay for what your hard work allows him to do with his life.

I think it’s ok. Much of “the north” is 2 hours from London, eg Manchester, york, Sheffield.

can he work from home? Just commute for 2-3 days and stay over? I think the work life balance for the rest of you would be worth it. And not even that bad for him. He’s getting an easy deal right now, he can only do his role because YOU are paying for him to live close by. time to redress the balance.

This is another example of how “man shouldnt be inconvenienced for having children”.

we’ll shock horror, affording a nice house for multiple children in London does t come by magic and you are not able to provide it anymore.

so something has to change? The more I think about it the more I think he’s taking the piss. He chose to have a family and now he needs to support them… not force them to live in an area he can’t afford

Has your DH said anything about you nearly working yourself to death in order to fund his lifestyle? Lots of people have passions and talents, but they compromise once they have a family and responsibilities.

You've had a really tough year. I'm not surprised you feel like you need an end point to the stress of being the one who funds everything.

For me, you’ve worked hard all your life, almost killing yourself in the process. Your DH has had the luxury of having a creative job with less income. As you say you’ve paid the mortgage thus far. Of course if you hadn’t almost died and weren’t burned out then yes of course you’d carry on in your city job. The stress would probably get you in the end though. It’s why most city bankers retire at 50, the stress and long hours. But it’s not sustainable now. I would be sympathetic but realistic with your DH about what needs to change if you do move up north.

Well, if you move to a city where your London house buys you a big place, close to family, no mortgage, and you can find work that enables you to take the lion’s share of parenting and household responsibilities, why can’t your husband continue in his singular role in his dream job in London? The commute is not so terrible and if he’s away a couple of nights a week, so what? Lots of families manage like that. The thing is, you want things to be different, so things can’t stay the same. Everyone is going to have to give up a bit in the hope of getting more of what they want in the longer term.

Obviously you need to downsize what you do. But moving out of London isn't always the glorious solution.

People have posted on this thread saying how awesome it is. I'm older than you. The kids are mostly through school and I know of two families selling up big houses in the north to move back to central London as the opportunities for the parents are better.

I did it myself about 10 years ago too - I left as I was fed up of a small flat in a dog area of zone 2 and bought an amazing flat in a well respected city that regularly tops "quality of life" charts and then pined for London. So I'm back. Mega mortgage, one less bedroom albeit in a decent location and I'm really happy.

@ChickenChitty Well you are the breadwinner so therefore you get to decide. I think that's fair. In my family it's the opposite and I have no problem with that. He would be very uncaring if he would insist you stick in a job that makes you ill.

This! Would be amazing if we could all do our dream job, but we can’t- it’s called compromise and sacrifice

Most people can’t afford to do their low paid dream job in London with kids. What is DHs plan? Because you continuing in a job which is affecting your health isn’t a reasonable plan.

I’m in exactly your shoes but without kids. I earn 4x what DP earns who works in his dream job and does 8am-4pm if that. My immensely stressful career is the only reason we can afford to live where we live (a prime central neighbourhood in one of the world’s most expensive cities). Our solution has been to live in a small apartment minimalistically and avoid lifestyle creep - staying this way is going to hopefully allow me to pivot into a less intense role at my firm with better hours (but likely a pay cut).

Could you not downsize in your area of London or one close by? Why do you think it’s either London or a commuter town? Some areas of London are relatively affordable. This would then allow you to change job/career for a better work life balance.

When you tell him you’re desperately unhappy and your health is at risk and ask him what the solution to that is, what does he suggest?

Move. We did and haven't looked back. We specifically chose a town that has a train station so DH can still commute to London 2x a week. We have gone from a tiny 2 bedroom flat to a four bed home with a garden, it's nuts. Quality of life and time together is so much better and we are all much more relaxed. Can you compromise and find a location your DH can commute from - there are some fast trains nowadays..

Can you take some time off? You need some headspace to think through options and discuss with your husband. The choices you present are polar opposites. There will be workable middle ground but you need to define your non negotiables versus what you can honestly be flexible on and what options your husband has to increase income or reduce expenditure.

If it is what I think it is - what about Leeds?

Does DH have to be onsite 5 days a week or does he have a hybrid model? If it’s hybrid, say 2/3 days onsite. I’d be inclined to move and let him manage the travel. It’s his dream job, it’s worth it for him.

but burning yourself out in London is currently failing you.

Can you not change your job but stay where you are? Move to Zone 3 perhaps? I did move out of London when my DH passed away suddenly and yes I could afford a house twice the size, but I am happy to be back and wouldn’t leave again!

Reframe this - longer term, what would be best for your children?

A stressed out mother, a smaller home, less good schools, or a mum with a better work life balance, more space, a better education, family support…

If you’re earning 6 times what he’s earning then you either have a phenomenal salary or his ‘job’ isn’t much more than a hobby. As a family you need to make these decisions together, but why wouldn’t he want a better life for his kids, even if not for you. It’s very selfish of him to want you to continue working in a job that has caused so much distress and health issues just to find the lifestyle he wants but can’t afford on his own.

i noticed you mentioned moving within London and downsizing would make things make things materially worse for the kids, but would it really? I’m a Londoner and I guess it very much depends what area you live in and what you’d get for your house, and therefore what and where that means you’d have to downsize to. But children can adapt, a smaller property isn’t the end of the world. It’s possible to still be fairly close to the city and live in a large flat. Reducing your workload/stress levels is clearly very important, but I wonder if you push for the move up north you’d just replace your resentment for his. I wonder if making changes within London might answer both needs.

Just to put a spanner in the works, what do you do if your husband refuses to move and refuses to let the kids move? You could end up separated and still not in the north mortgage free. I think you both need a lot more discussion about how this works. Agree that if he can keep the job by working away some of the week it might be a workable compromise
Can he go part time?