Should we leave London after burnout, or stay for my husband's career?

[ChickenChitty]

Help me with my life dilemma.

DH and I have been together for 15 years, we are late 30s with 2 kids at primary school. I work in a stressful job in the City, requiring extremely long hours (60-70hr weeks, weekend work most weekends and most holidays too). DH is in a creative career - his passion. I earn c.6x what he does. He is self-employed so does more with the kids and more around the house (I’d say he does 60% of the childcare and maybe 70% of household tasks).

I nearly died earlier this year with a ruptured appendix that was missed and negligent medical care. It came off the back of a period of very intense work - about 9 months of hell. I’m mentally traumatised from that experience and burnt out generally, and the whole thing has made me reassess my life.

Ive suddenly got clarity that I don’t want to continue doing my job anymore and I don’t even know what I’m doing it for as London is so expensive our quality of life is not great. We have enough equity in our small London terraced house that we could move back to my home town (up north) and buy somewhere large and detached and lovely mortgage free, near much better schools for the kids and near my family. DH really doesn’t want to leave London as he loves it, and his work is here (his family is up north too but nowhere near mine). He would want to continue commuting to London if we moved, which would probably involve overnight stays and impact family life.

Im starting to feel a bit of resentment as I increasingly feel like I’m killing myself and sacrificing my quality of life so that DH can live his dreams. But I love him, am proud of what he does, and would feel awful to effectively force him to move (which we would need to do if I quit my job, as he could never pay the mortgage alone). I knew when we got married that this would be his career. I’ve thought of middle grounds like downsizing in London or moving to a commuter area if I took a pay cut, but that would feel like a much worse outcome for the kids, to leave everything they know for something materially worse, and/or both parents travelling more than we do now . I don’t know whether I’m being unfair in wanting to do this or not, or what the right balance is, so thoughts from other people would be welcome!

Also consider places around Coventry, which is commutable to London at a pinch. Although I second Manchester, which someone mentioned above - it has a thriving world class arts/creative scene of its own.

@HotCrossBunplease no, that’s not right. Even if I moved to a less stressful job with less late night and weekend/holiday work, I’d still have standard office hours, which would mean I wouldn’t see the kids as much. Atm I can do drop off, come home and then be at my desk at 9.15; I can leave the office at 6/6.30 and be back to spend a good chunk with them before bed. If I’ve got a longer commute than I do now it materially cuts into that time which is really precious to me. Yes I’d be less tired and stressed but being present for the kids on a daily basis is huge for me, plus being able to get back quickly in an emergency, nip out for school events etc. I know others do it but I just don’t want to.

That makes perfect sense, and I heard you say that before, which is why I said a few posts ago that you had told us that there were no jobs available in London with shorter office hours or fewer days in the office! But you came back and said that such jobs were available…

Perhaps you read my “shorter hours” as meaning “less weekend and evening” whereas I was suggesting shorter hours being shorter core hours eg finish at 4pm and 1/2 days a week in the office.

Just found this thread and would like to contribute as we have been in a similar position. Have not read it all though. It is also good to see your post within the last hour @ChickenChitty

You have a mortgage problem and a health problem !!

There are two main positives: Your husband's professional successes and an option for you to spend more time with your children.

Your mortgage is indirectly killing you. Sell the London home and change your job. The West Coast mainline out of London is pretty quick and you should live near it, further north in a home you can enjoy with space for your kids. Change your job. Do something that isn't going to kill you.

Husband can join you weekends, but during the week he could rent or you could jointly buy a small property about 50 minutes or so outside London on the WCM (or GWR if moving westwards). There are places where good houses can cost no more than £300k or the rent is under £1k a month. And within 10 minutes walk of the station.

Your health will improve. You can garden. You can enjoy your home and not feel negative about it. Your DH can focus on his job during the week. He can focus on his DW and his DCs at the weekend. He can get back at weekends knowing his wife is healthy including her mental health too. His commute may be little longer than it is now. A late 30's professional can eat this up. He may be lonely at first, but you can facetime in the evenings. Over time you could make this work. Friday nights will have a meaning and you could make them special.

JDI !

Standard office hours finish at 5:30, change to a normal job and you could then commute for an hour and still get home each day before you currently do.

Have you fully investigated flexible working options, for jobs other than the insane one you currently do? I work 8am-4pm, full time with 3 days a week WFH. My colleague does 2 long days in the office (8am-6pm), then 3 days WFH finishing at 3pm for school pick up. Other colleagues do compressed hours (eg, 4 days in 3). All of these options would get you far more time with your children than you currently get, even with a commute. That public sector job with a 65% pay cut you mentioned, combined with reducing house costs by a commensurate amount, would work well for this, the public sector loves its flexitime.

When you say that you don't want to live in a commuter town, do you mean somewhere like Reading or St Albans, or do you include the outer London areas like Bromley in that category?

OP I'm interested in your response to this post. Because to me it looks like a template for misery. You would be a single parent during the week, every week, you would still have to find £1k a month rent for your husband (plus council tax, utilities and transport), he would be living alone in some random place away from both his work and his family, and your marriage would be reduced to facetime.

That’s significant progress - just knowing there is an off ramp / exit strategy is a huge relief and frees up some mental capacity to be able to objectively research options. Congratulations 🥂

Can your DH get stuck in to scope out options - so you have a short list to work through.

Is the aim to be a full time SAHP? Or go directly to another much less stressed job or have a sabbatical and then get a much less stressful job?

You would make a great journalist for the tabloids!

For me it's the fixed costs involved - if OP loses her job, becomes disabled in this northern town, this would be such an impossible amount to cover on what he earns.

I am retired now, so older than most on here. I have seen so many friends and relatives lose jobs, become disabled, some in their 40s even. One developed narcolepsy out of the blue for example and has never worked again.

I just wouldn't go for a set up with such high fixed costs. I would try to work as local to where I live to keep costs down. That would mean everyone moving up north and husband getting a new job there, or a move to a cheaper part of London.

But the alternative is she can’t work in a commuter town she has no link with and they still can’t afford to live there

the DH doesn’t earn enough to support the family of OP stops working wherever they are. If they moved to another city and she had to stop work then he would have to reassess anyway and most likely find a job that is local and pays more

but why are we talking about OP having to give up work? That’s the doomsday scenario

Really? Are tabloid journalists known for thinking it wise to live with one's spouse?

I think that the terminology used on this thread to describe the DH as “commuting” from the North is unhelpful and masks the realities of the arrangement, and its impact on family life when he is away for 3 nights in every 7.

Not saying OP doesn’t get this, I think you are only too aware of this OP. You say he is away quite a lot at the moment anyway. But please understand that anyone suggesting a solution that allows him to come home every night to a cheaper home is coming from place of concern for your mental wellbeing and marriage.

Why is it 3 nights every 7?

OP doesn’t mention his hours so there’s no suggestion he would need to be in London late - so it could just be 1 night and home for dinner time

plus he is already away 3/4 nights a month plus the time in London is only 30 weeks and he would be around more in the school holidays

Not at all. They are mostly known for picking up some facts and spinning them into a very bad news story.

Chill out, I am only making the point that having a regular need to be away from home is not a small thing. Only OP and her DH know the precise logistics.

Ive lost count of the number of women ive met who eg used tk be a fashion designer in London, now teaches textiles at the local polytechnic because they had kids or their partner had to move for work.

Why is this man any different? It shouldn't be about him finding ways to "commute" to his old job half way down the country, he should be getting a new job. And chances are if hes had such a prestigious job in London, he will be able to get a much higher paid/more substantial job "in the provinces" with his profile. Ironically while you end up making less outside London, he could make more

"He may be lonely at first, but you can facetime in the evenings"

No need for any spin. You can put all the pastoral gardening veneer you want on it, it is an utterly grim way to live.

That’s great !

This is all just going round and round in circles. I don’t want to live outside London and commute in!!! As I’ve said a few times, all of the current jobs in my sector are moving to 4 days in office if they aren’t there already, INCLUDING public sector. So it doesn’t work for me, even if I swap jobs. I need to find somewhere where I can work locally.

DH could squeeze his work into 2 full days termtime plus his ad hoc travel. I wouldn’t contemplate a regular arrangement where he was away more than this as I think too hard on the family (not my ability to be primary parent, but us not seeing each other).

I don’t want to be a SAHM - I’d ideally like to work 4 days a week in something that didn’t mean I also had to work evenings, weekends and holidays. We have enough savings to cover a bit of a break for me and enough in my pension not to need to contribute to it again before retirement.

I agree entirely

Bluntly it is pretty selfish if he chooses to be away from his family for much of the week for the sake of a job that doesn’t even support the family financially but just has “higher prestige” than what he could do locally.

But the aim is to be mortgage free or have a tiny mortgage with a move to a north town. That’s one thing. Second they aren’t planning to rent a flat in London for DH, he could stay in a Travelodge etc

Bath and Bristol give DH as long a commute into London for DH as York does (2h) and are obviously much less desirable for you. If he'll take a 2h commute into London (& stay overnight 1 day a week in term time) then go for it and move to York (which probably has the best train times to London for genuinely being in the north).

If 2 hours is a bit long for DH, would Cambridge have jobs for you? Terrific connections to London (for DH, not you!!) and not too far from the east coast mainline. Secondary schools variable, some perfectly good, and hands down the best state 6th form college in the country.

You might still need a small mortgage even with all your equity but surely the two of you can manage a small mortgage between you.

Just a thought. If DH can squeeze his usual job into 2 days a week term time, would that mean he was not contractually obliged to work on the other 3 days? In which case could he pick up other work locally or remotely, perhaps less directly related to his “creative” job?

Or would he be doing lesson prep, rehearsing, creating etc around the school runs?

(I am talking about the above being from the North by the way, before you assume this is another attempt to dissuade you from moving).